Q: My boyfriend and I just bought our first house together and some of our friends/relatives are telling us we should have a housewarming party. I always thought that someone else was supposed to plan and throw the party for you at the new house and that you’re not supposed to throw it for yourself. Is it proper? Who is right?

A: A housewarming party is hosted by the new homeowners (or renters) to welcome friends and family to their new home, to give tours and receive compliments, and to serve food and have friends help “warm” their residence with their caring and affection.

Q: What should you do when a dinner guest arrives with a prepared dessert that you’d rather not serve that evening? This happened to me recently, and although I didn’t want to hurt my guest’s feelings, the surprise upset my plans. I told her I’d serve her dessert another time.

A: If the unexpected gift doesn’t complement your dinner, you’re not obligated to serve it unless you want to. Whatever you decide, make sure you enthusiastically thank your guest for her thoughtfulness. If you choose not to serve the dessert, explain that you’ve already prepared one but that you look forward to enjoying hers tomorrow.

Q: My siblings and I are throwing an anniversary party for our parents. To keep costs down, we’d like to invite unattached relatives who are in their 20s without guests. Is that acceptable?

A: You’re having an anniversary party, not a dating event. It’s commendable to consider your guests’ feelings, but I wouldn’t worry. It’s not as if they wont know anyone – the party will be filled with their cousins and other relatives. To prevent any misunderstandings, be upfront when inviting those young, single guests (if they were married, engaged, or living with someone, they would be invited as a couple). While conveying how much you want them to attend, also mention that you they realize that you’re able to invite only your parents’ family members and friends to this celebration.

Q: We recently bought a swing set for our four-year-old, but now neighborhood kids come over to play at all hours. How can we limit these visits? And should we be talking to the kids or their parents?

A: Start with the parents. Discuss the issue in a friendly way, on the phone or face-to-face. Say, “We love having the children over to enjoy the swing set. But we also want to establish guidelines for safety’s sake and so that we can have our own family time in the yard.” Specify hours during which children are welcome and can be supervised. (Or, install a flagpole in the yard and tell neighbors that kids can play when the flag is raised.) Reinforce your message with the children, who can learn about respect for privacy.

Q: My sister and I are both pregnant for the first time. Since our due dates are only one and a half months apart, we’d like to combine our baby showers if that’s appropriate. If so, should we draw up separate invitation lists? And how do we word the invitations so guests will know it’s a double shower, but they’re expected to bring a gift for only one of us?

A: A double shower would be perfectly appropriate – and could be a lot of fun. Since a baby shower is supposed to be an intimate gathering of friends and relatives, though, I’d try not to let the celebration become too huge a bash. You and your sister should each make up your own invitation lists (of equal length) for the host or cohosts. It might be a good idea for only one of you to be mentioned as honoree on each invitation. Then, when each guest calls to RSVP, the host can say that the party is a double shower but the guest need bring only one gift – for the sister named on her invitation.

Some guests who know both of you may insist on bringing two gifts anyway. They should be asked to give the extra gift either before or after the shower so the other guests won’t feel embarrassed.

Q: Last year, we let some friends use our beach house – but they ate everything in sight and left the place a mess! They’ve asked for a weekend this year. Can we say no without hurting the friendship?

A: You have every right to ban these sloppy folks from using your home. Be diplomatic and it won’t be a friendship-ender. Politely say “We’re not able to have people use our place this year, but we can give you the number of a nice B&B nearby.” This approach won’t single them out, but they’ll get the hint and maybe think twice about their manners.

Q: At a friend’s dinner party last month, I got into an intense political debate with a few other guests I barely knew. Our exchange did not derail the party, but the hostess seemed uncomfortable, and later I wondered if we’d all been rude to have come out swinging.

A: Intelligent discussion of an important, interesting topic can be terrific at a dinner party – assuming no one uses offensive language or descends into full-scale arguing. Most subjects – world events, sports, the stock market, even politics – should be fair game, as long as you express yourself in a rational way, listen with an open mind, and don’t insist too vehemently on your own views. Before introducing a possibly controversial subject, first gather some information about your dinner partners. If anyone’s family members are overseas on dangerous assignments, asking what people think about the war on terror might be upsetting. Confronted by someone else’s emotionalism, you may avoid a blowup by calmly saying, “I’ve heard that situation explained differently,” instead of “You’re wrong!” or “That’s not so!” You might move on from an awkward moment by saying something like, “Poor Catherine – I bet she didn’t expect all these fireworks when she invited us over for cassoulet.”

Q: My bathrooms are being renovated, and the workers are here all day long. I don’t want to start serving them, but I find myself sneaking around and feeling guilty when I make myself coffee or lunch. Should I be offering them drinks or food when I’m having some?

A: Here’s a way to think about it that’ll get you off your guilt trip: When you’re at work, your boss doesn’t put out a lunch spread for you. By the same token, contractors don’t expect to be served refreshments, especially lunch. They usually bring their own, and they generally take a break at midday. As a courtesy, you might offer them coffee on occasion, but you don’t have to do even that. Above all, you should feel comfortable functioning in your own house as you normally do.

Q: I’m planning to throw a fancy Fourth of July barbecue, and I hope to keep it an adult affair. How do I diplomatically let friends know that children aren’t invited?

A: Start by addressing your invitations only to adults. You could also call invitees who have kids and say, “We thought it would be fun for just the grown-ups to have a night out. We hope you’ll be able to arrange for a sitter and join us.” Keep in mind, this may mean that some friends will be unable to attend – finding child care over a holiday weekend can be tough, and some parents may prefer to spend the Fourth with their kids. Accept regrets graciously, but don’t let guests guilt-trip you into including their kids. If you make one exception, you’ll be certain to offend others who abided by your request and left their children at home.

Q: After a recent potluck dinner, I took the remains of my dish home. Later, I learned that the hostess – a friend – complained that she should have gotten the leftovers. Who’s right?

A: To the victor belong the spoils, and to the potluck chef belong the leftovers – so you did no wrong by reclaiming your contribution. And since many hostesses prefer not to deal with storing loads of food and returning guests’ containers, you probably thought you were being helpful. Still, it was her house and her hard work getting people together – so it would have been nice if you’d inquired about her leftover policy, then parted ways with your tasty dish had she asked for it. Your friend, for her part, should have raised the issue with you directly; since she didn’t, why don’t you clear the air? There’s no sense in ruining a friendship over a little potluck protocol.