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When a person has received the degree of Doctor, other than a medical Dodctr, is it permissable to sign DR. before your name when signing a guest register at a funeral, wedding or other outing?
Thanks for helping with this delimma.
It is absolutely permissable for someone to do this– it would actually be wrong for them not to. “Dr.” before a name is used to describe any sort of doctor; however, if someone want to list their specific degree, then they would write “John Doe, MD” or “Jane Doe, Ph.D.” and as far as I know, either is acceptable at any given moment. Although, in an academic setting, the latter may be preferred.
In my opinion, in the instances that are in question (funeral, wedding) signing your name with “Dr.” would have to do a little more with your relationship to the either the deceased or bride and groom. If you are/were a collegue or perhaps family dentist to the party in question, than yes I agree with Monsieur Olivier; by all means sign your name as such. But, as a personal preference, if I invited a relative or a close friend with that title to my wedding, I wouldn’t necessarily prefer they sign their name Dr. Abby Smith to the guest register. That title has nothing to do with our personal relationship. Granted I wouldn’t be terribly insulted… but I certainly don’t think it is wrong to leave the “Dr.” title out of one’s name the rather personal occasions that you mentioned.
I am trying to find an answer to an “advanced” etiquette question and have had no luck, I’m hoping you can help me. My husband and I were recently invited to dinner at a restaurant by our daughters boss. There were 5 adults, 3 men (the host, my husband and a male co-worker of our daughter) and 2 women (our daughter and me). The wife of the host was not able to attend. I was seated to the right of the host. Once the food was served, in this scenario, who is supposed to take the first bite?
The host, regardless of gender when only one is in attendance, is the one to take the first bite, thus signaling to the others present to begin eating. In the case of husband and wife hosts for a business dinner, he may defer to his wife.
My mother and I have an ongoing disagreement about tipping in a restaurant. I say that if you have a coupon for money off the final bill, you tip on the total bill before the coupon is applied. She says you tip on the total after the coupon is taken off. Please help us so we can settle this issue.
You always tip based on the price before coupon. The waiter did the same amount of work regardless of whether or not you are receiving a discount. You tip based on total bill, before taxes and coupons/discounts.
Coupons and tipping – I agree with you. Always tip on the amount (not including tax) before the coupon. Anything else punishes the waitstaff for your having a coupon. As Alex K stated, they’re doing the same amount of work. If the service is exceptional, you’ll have a little extra to add to their tip.
I am loving Etipedia. Very creative!
My sister is having a destination wedding. How could I tell her that I can’t afford to go? I have not worked in 2 years, and we have a child in college. I feel that it is alot to ask someone to attend and feel obligated to go to a destination wedding!
I agree with you, Laura. “We are so happy for you and Tom, but we simply cannot afford to come. We will be thinking of you on your day and look forward to celebrating with you when you get back.” If she wants you there, she’ll pay your way. It is insensitive in these times to foist this expectation on anyone.
Although the truth is ,that you can not afford to attend an out of town wedding, including that information in a written note of Congratulations, might be considered crass. Most people save cards from their wedding. Whouldn’t it be terrible if ,years later, the couple pick up a card to reminisce, and find that unfortunate information.
It’s not important to mention it at all, unless she asks. Whether she asks or you feel the need to tell her, a personal conversation whould be the best way to do it.
Often, people plan out of town weddings to spare themselves the Circus that comes with a big wedding. They also understand that they will lose a few guests to inflated expense.
Don’t even hint, that you’d be willing to accept her financial help. If she is willing/able to accept the additional expense of your travel, she will let you know.
I have the honor of being invited to an Eagle Scout Court of Honor Ceremony for the Grandson of my best freinds. Do I take a gift, if so Please give an idea.
If you know the grandson, take a small gift to commemorate the occassion… and engraved key chain, photo frame, or pen. He’s worked very hard for his Eagle rank. If you don’t know him, a card would be appropriate. Hallmark sells some specifically for Eagle Scouts. Congratulations to the new Eagle!!
I tried to find on your website about addressing a couple in this situation, the mother is remarried but is keeping the ex-husband’s name because of the children but hyphenating it with the new husband’s name. When I am making out an address label, how do I list the names? Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Jones-Smith or Mr. John and Jane Jones-Smith?
Help!
Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Jones-Smith.
We were having a discussion at dinner regarding dinner plates. While eating a meal, is it appropriate to turn your plate so that the food you want to eat is on the side of the plate nearest you? This is assuming the plate is round with no “right side up” pattern or odd shape where turning it would make it look out of place with the other plates on the table.
The plate should be served with the main food or entree, i.e. meat, at the six o’clock position. It is impolite to “dial” the plate, unless it was set before you with the entree not in the correct position. The meat is at six o’clock to facilitate cutting it without having to arch your arms over the plate to avoid cuffs dragging in the plate. If there is something you’d rather eat instead, simply eat it from its position in relation to six o’clock.
It seems there is a difference of opinions regarding where to put your napkin if you must leave the dinner table during dinner to go to the ladies’ room. I say on the chair, but my friends say folded on the left of the plate. Please help.
Grace, I have misspoken on this subject in the past. The correct place is to leave it folded next to your plate. It should not be left on the chair, and I believe this is because it is less sanitary or may deposit food particles on the chair upholstery. Your friends are correct.
How do I respond to a charity event invitation when I cannot attend and I’d rather not donate? The response card only offers the choice “I cannot attend, but please accept my donation”. Thanks, Marianne
Simply cross through “but please accept my donation.” One shouldn’t feel held up by a charity.
While I know that one should never respond to rudeness with rudeness, I think that if I ever got an invitation like that, I would simply ignore it. To give no other option for declining except with “please accept my donation”?? WOW.
What do you say to a relative that rspv’d “yes” to your daughter’s wedding, goes to the church ceremony, and then has some sort of argument with wife, then decides not to go the reception, wife attends with 2 daughters for about 2 hours or less?
It sometimes takes awhile before anyone can respond to a posting. Please look for my response to your initial query in the December 3rd thread.
Nothing. Two wrongs don’t make a right. It whould be inappropriate to “confront” your guest. Besides, stating the obvious, is always obnoxious.
You might however, not include them in your next event. If you are obligated too, you might mention quietly that you hope the past does not repeat itself.
My spouse and I have a question regarding attire. He works on board a cruise ship and is a manager and considered an officer. He is not required to attend formal night but on occasion is invited personally by guests to dine with them. When he does attend he is only required to wear his evening uniform which consists of a dress slacks (blue), dress jacket (blue), long sleeve white shirt, and blue tie. Here is our question. I am occasionally on board with him and attend formal night with him when he is asked. I tend to wear long evening gowns, jewel tones in winter, pastels in summer and gowns that have plunging necklines or gowns that show cleavage but by no means showing nipples or skimpy thin coverage. I am a 38C so I am a little busty. Is it appropriate to show cleavage or should I be covered up, what is the proper attire to wear amongst other guests or if we were dinning with the Captain or other company executives like the CEO etc?
On three occasions (twice at the same restaurant) I have had waitstaff return my change without including the coins. Please know what bothers me has nothing to do with the amount of change. It is the principle of it. Is this a new trend? I think it’s presumptuous and very bad manners. This takes “do you need change” to a whole new level. I think supervisors need to talk to their staff. The first time it happened, I included what the waitress kept as part of her tip. The irony of this is I am told I’m an overly generous tipper. The first time it happened at a favorite restaurant, I wrote an e-mail to the manager and received an immediate response. He said he’d take it as an opportunity to counsel the staff and he promised it never would happen again. He was bothered very much by what happened. It recently happened again – only with a new twist. The waitress returned with my change, put the paper money on the table and then looked at me and asked, “do you want your change.” I said, yes I do. I have noticed that on all three occasions, the staff person was very young and perhaps inexperienced. I need to come up with a snappy response next time it happens. What is happening out there?
You are right. When purchasing anything correct change should be given back to you no questions asked. Also, as a server in the past, I always recognized how rude it was when other servers would ask patrons “would you like your change?” it puts the buyer in the awkward position in front of the whole table to sound cheap by saying “Why yes I do!”
The only thing I can say in playing devil’s advocate is that often at the restaurant where I served we wouldn’t be given very little change to start our shift and if everyone paid with cards or used up all of the change that night, many times it would make for an embarrassing “Umm sorry I have to pay you in all nickels”/”If you’ll be so kind to wait for just another 5 minutes while I chase someone down who can give me the correct change” conversation. I would always try to make it clear to management that this is not acceptable to many customers, but usually got a reply “Well..sometimes we just run out”
If it happens again, I would continue to do what you have done in reporting it to management. Like I said, you are right in being unhappy due to principle alone. Not giving correct change is a form of stealing whether the fault of the server or the establishment.
My husband recently passed away after being sick for a short period of time. I have had people tell me that I should stop waring my wedding band. I have two, the original in white gold and a yellow gold that was given to me for an anniversary when I had my diamond reset. Is it proper to put each of them on chains and ware them around my neck or can I continue to ware them on my hand?
I’m sorry to read of your loss. You have fulfilled your obligation “Until death do we part,” and no one can tell you what to do with your wedding bands. I couldn’t find what the Emily Post Institute says, but Miss Manners says the following:
“Can you tell me how long I should wear my wedding band, or can I continue to wear it?”
“Gentle Reader: No, and neither can anyone else.Whether you remove your wedding ring is entirely up to you. The only thing the Victorians had to say was that it should absolutely be done by the morning of a wedding ceremony with a subsequent gentleman.”
Don’t let people tell you how to honor your departed partner. That is 100% your business.
Wearing or not wearing your wedding band is entirely up to you . Do as you wish be that to wear all the rings, wear some but not others, wear them around a necklace or not at all. The only point at which you need to remove your current wedding bands is if you become engaged to another. I’m sorry for your loss of your husband.
When my husband passed away suddenly, I continued to wear my rings until I was engaged to my new husband, I actually had my new husband remove my rings and replace them with the new rings! It is 100% up to you, and I know how hard it is to remove your rings! I still have mine and keep them dear to my heart!
My best friend also lost her husband and left hers on until she remarried, and simply moved her first rings to her right hand! Which would depend on your new husband I suppose!
I recently attended a school board meeting to receive an award from the school board in the district that I teach in. My family was there, including my 9 year old daughter. Since we arrived only a few minutes before the meeting started, we took our places quickly. I recieved my award, and we left. The next day, the superintendent visited my daughter’s classroom, and she mentioned that she saw him at the meeting the night before. He asked her why she didn’t come up and shake his hand or wave to him at the meeting. She did ask me and my husband, but we told her that it was not an appropriate time, since this was a business meeting and not a social gathering. When my daughter tried to tell him that, he stopped her and instead asked her to do a report on proper manners to present to the class, and then he had her stand up to demonstrate shaking hands. (She felt humiliated and embarrassed in front of her class and teacher.) Was I wrong to tell her not to greet him at the meeting?
Being a teacher’s kid myself, I can see the different sides to this situation. First off I don’t think it would have been an “inappropriate time” for your daughter to greet or shake hands with the superintendant after the meeting had concluded. Doing so is good manners and will help her learn how to converse with adults in a business setting. *This is assuming your family didn’t sneak out in the middle of the meeting, which unless done very discretely during a break or for an emergency wouldn’t be very courteous since you were one of the guests of honor it seems.
Secondly I don’t find it appropriate for the superintendant to address and single out your daughter in her classroom either. He isn’t her teacher, nor did what take place have anything to do with the classroom, so asking her to stand and present a report on manners was completely out of line. I’m not sure how strongly you felt about this, but if it were me I would get my pen started on a letter to him to the tune of
Mr. Superintendant,
I wanted to sincerely thank you for the part you played in my receiving the x award. It was a great honor to be recognized for the work I do. I would like to apologize that our family had to leave before Alice or myself could come shake your hand. As you know it is hard to find a sitter on a school night, so our family had to leave a little earlier than usual. Alice mentioned that she had been singled out in class for my mistake. I’m sure that was a misunderstanding, but Alice and I will be happy to come meet with you privately to discuss the matter on Wednesday at 4pm if that works for you. At that time perhaps you can give her some of your great tips and tricks for conversing with adults in the business world. I am sure she would welcome some friendly advice.
I beleive a note like that clears up any misunderstandings and hopefully gives him the hint that these matters are better dealt with person to person than in the classroom.
My sister in law returned two baby gift dresses I sent to her -before the babies were even born to try them on! ( I did include a gift receipt) but, I was insulted that she would return them from family. Is that correct etiquette or in poor taste? I found out because the return came thru to my computer acct.
You sent a present to your sister in law, and included the gift receipt, but are now angry that they were returned?
If you didn’t want them returned, perhaps the gift receipt shouldn’t have been included. Personally, I doubt I would have returned them, but perhaps they weren’t her taste.
What is the proper etiquette for sending sympathy cards to family/friends who have lost a family member? Is there a specific time you wait before sending a card?
Someone told me it is improper to send a card prior to the funeral.
Thanks,
G H
Send the card the day you hear the sad news. It will take a day to leave your mailbox and another day or a few to get to the bereaved.
My question is the proper order of passing food at a dinner and if it would be different at a tea???
I, with another individual, am giving a baby shower for a friend. We have rented a local coffee shop and eatery for the location and they are also catering. The expense for this will be upwards of $300. Are we also obligated to give a gift a the shower or is the shower our gift?
Obligated is a pretty harsh word. =) You are not obligated to give a gift, but yes it would be nice to do so. It is very kind to offer to host thus pay for the expense of the party, but if that cost weighs heavily on you I would consider giving a small thoughtful gift instead of large costly one. You could make her something lovely for the baby, or perhaps buy an inexpensive, plain diary and embellish it for the mother to keep track of baby’s firsts etc.
My wife and i have had constant clashes over manners, i was raised to be considerate and thoughtful with everyone and show respect where as she (told me)wasn’t even taught to say thank you. Now that we have a 5 & a 6yr, she fully supports me in raising them towards my south american culture. Her mom and two sisters are ok with their manners(they could use a class,though) but they don’t care much for it when it comes to their kids (2 daughters each 12-17 yrs.) or mine. Please, excuse me, thank you,consideration are also missing from their daughter’s lives. I understand they are at the age that it is all about them but what really gets to me is when they ignore my two boys, especially my 6 yr who is really tall for his age and has a little bit of a speech problem but my 5 yr gets their attention, i guess because he is smaller so, my 6 yr. asks me why his cousins don’t play with him sometimes and i have witness the bias. They do exclude him at times and this angers me because, they have no sense of family and the parents don’t anything about it. I feel they don’t talk to their kids. My wife and I have confronted them before and when it happens in front of their parents but it falls on deaf ears. I have even gone as far to say to the older ones that it would be nice for them to sacrifice at least 5 minutes of their time for their little cousins. Is it wrong for me to do that in front of the parents and what is the best advice to give my 6 yr on the matter? He is such a caring boy who wants friends and when his cousins ignore him it breaks my heart.
At the ages of 12-17, young women at times will start to develop that “nuture” gene that can cause them to naturally gravitate towards the smallest/cutest/most helpless creatures (Think puppies and bunnies). Unforunately this is just somewhat natural. But doesn’t excuse excluding their cousin.
Why don’t you do a little prep-work before your gatherings with them and arrange some specific activites that include all of the children? You can teach them how to all play a game together for example. Maybe even partner games/activities where each of your boys is partnered with one of your nieces and each team has to find all of the items on a scavenger hunt list before the other team.
This way you aren’t hurting anyone’s feelings or coming across in an accusing manner. Also perhaps you can teach your 6 yr old to be a little more interactive and teach him what to do when someone is ignoring him. Maybe he can learn to politely inject himself into their fun, in which case he will learn a skill for what to do if this should happen at school or elsewhere. Having him try “Oh this looks fun, do you mind if I join you?” might be just the ticket. Then he will start to gain a little more self confidence when he realizes he is in charge of where he wants to play and who he wants to play with.
Thank you very much for the advice Country Girl, my wife’s nieces have been great with the my boys,playing together, talking, all four of them even called my 6 yr old for his birthday.(lets see if this happens next yr. as they are inconsistent in their behavior but it was nice ) They greeted him over the phone and that put an unbelieveable smile on his face. Thanks again
I am so glad to hear! =) Any step in the right direction is a start! I would definately continue to reinforce the nieces’ good behavior with lots of praise. It sounds like this may just be the beginning of a great cousin relationship. Best wishes to you and your family!
I believe invitations are supposed to be sent out 8 – 6 weeks prior to the wedding. Is this correct? When should the response cards be returned?
8 weeks is usually best. Response cards should be return 2-3 weeks before the event.
Who should pay for a renewal of vow ceremony?
The people who are renewing their vows. If this is you, congratulations!
No, once was enough for a me! LOL!
Last year we were invited to dinner by some friends we love. The husband prepared “his famous dish” for us. It was something that we did not like. Especially our daughter, but she, to our surprise, ate her entire meal. Later she told us that she was almost sick from the thought of eating the dish. They just invited us over again…and told us that they would be making the very same meal for us. They do not entertain often, and we do not want to hurt their feelings. He dish he makes is a variation of eggs Benedict, but with almost raw eggs and salmon spread…can we suggest, at least for our daughter, who does not eat eggs, that she be served something else?
Pearl,
I would accept the invite but then say that you really do not want the husband going to al the trouble of making his signatuire dish and wouldn;t something easier like pancakes be better. Say that you love the thought but that the signature dish is wasted on your family as you do not appreciate it to it’s full measure and would be just as happy with something more plebian like pancakes or toast or doughnuts or whatever. And then gush a bit about how much you like their company and any other dish served.
I foresee it possibly being a little insulting to ask that this host not make their signature dish. Perhaps you could say something like “That sounds lovely, I’m afraid poor Lizzy’s stomach can’t take runny eggs, so we were wondering if we might be able to bring a breakfast casserole (or dish you all like) for everyone to enjoy in addition to Tom’s signature dish.”
Then you and your husband can try to eat around the runny egg (If that is the part you both dislike as well) and fill up on the remaining parts of the eggs benedict and your own dish.
I really want to send my former husband a birthday card. I’m not sure what to say due to the situation he was diagnosed with CA and isn’t real healthy. It is terminal unfornuately. I’m not looking to rekindle anything but I’m looking for the proper words for a card.
we have been divorced for 8 years and have two adult children ages 30 and 31. Please help
How about “Happy Birthday!! I hope it is a great one!”
No need to say anything about death or it may be your last ect. Just say simply happy birthday.
Wasn’t sure where to direct this question, but I would love to know if there’s an Emily Post iPhone application? If not, I think it would be something really great for the Emily Post Institute to consider. It would be so handy! Thank you!
Every Q&A pertaining to second marriage deals with divorce. I was married to my first husband 38 years and did not expect to fall in love again, but I did to a wonderful man who was married to his wife for 34 years. We are not falling apart at the seams, are in good health, live active lifestyles, have careers. While I find my fiance very sexy, I find a lot of younger women do, too. I’m going to assume that since he picked me, he finds me not too unappealing either.
Now, for my question. Not divorced, how do you word the invitation? We have grown children, parents, etc., but we’re going to foot the bill for the wedding. I was fortunate to be married once to the most wonderful man and do not want to slight him. We don’t have to get married, we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together.
Emily Post has some great examples here of how to word an invitation where the bride and groom host. If you are uncomfortable slighting your former husband (not that I believe it would be a slight), use the last name you gained when you married him as your last name on the invitation. I wish you many more happy years with another wonderful man.
One option would be the invite that goes
Bridefirst bridemiddle
Daughter of
Mother and father of bride
and
Groom first groom middle groom last
Son of
Mother and father of groom
Cordially invite you to witness
their marriage
on date
at venue
This avoids the brides last name thus avoiding your difficulty with your last name.
Is it acceptable to wear a black dress to a daytime (2:00) wedding?
Black dresses are appropriate for funerals (or other mourning rituals) and cocktail parties. The daytime wedding commands a less somber color. Perhaps a lavender, blue, beige or pale grey dress/pantsuit?
Generally one avoids wearing white, ivory, black or bright red to weddings. Black has become increasingly common on evening weddings. A 2pm wedding is not an evening wedding nor is black ( which implies that you are sad about the marriage of the couple) generally wedding appropriate. 2pm is still mid afternoon pick your favorite color and wear a dress in that color. ( My go to afternoon wedding dress is green)
Is it acceptable to wear a black dress to an afternoon/daytime (2:00) wedding?
How would I word on the bridal shower invitations that we are requesting donations to buy furniture??? I know you can’t say cash but there has to be some type of wording.
Thanks,
Tiffany
Tiffany, there is no suitable wording at all for this purpose. If a guest inquires of someone, they can say you are saving to buy furniture and money for that would be appreciated. Don’t try to put anything regarding gifts on or with invitations, or you’ll end up on the faux pas hotseat, and we know that isn’t the kind of perch you have in mind.
My questions is, how do you let your neighbor know you would like to help them out by donating $100 or $200 to help them buy food, etc. without insulting them?
I’m not sure this answers the question exactly but if I was worried about my neighbors being able to buy food I would ask them to help me out with something and then the next day put a thank you note for their help and inside the thank you note I would put a gift card for the local grocery store. That way they will not be sure how much it is until they take it to the store and there is at least the pretense that it is just a thank you gift which would moolify the pride a smidge.
Devious admitedly but that is what I would do.
Or, you could just send it anonymously. The problem with approaching them directly is the potential to make them feel embarrassed or humiliated about their circumstances. They may have too much pride to accept such a gift. An anonymous gift can help them keep their self-esteem in a difficult time.
Yeah do this Elizabeth has the better idea.
As a few more options:
1) If you are able, you may want to bring over some fruits/veggies/herbs/bread/lasagna that you have grown or baked yourself. It is never insulting to receive a gift such as that, and would probably be greatly appreciated.
2) If you are the type of person/family who buys in bulk you could always give them a few of the extra cans or items that come in the package insisting that it was such a great deal, but your family could never eat/use that many.
2) If you are close, you may also choose to invite them over for dinner once and while.
Just a few more suggestions
Thank you all for the great suggestions. I have actually thought of sending a gift card anonymously. My husband was actually thinking to let them borrow money and repay us when they get back on their feet. I would personally feel uncomfortable to take it and repay it.
My mother in law was invited to a wedding in NYC.. She is coming from New Jersey. This wedding is a very expensive wedding. She called to find out if the bride and grrom supplied parking. They aren’t… The nearest parking lot is 2 blocks away… Do you think a Bride and Groom should supply parking for a New York City wedding… She is so upset she has to walk in her dress 3 blocks away.. What are your thoughts?
As someone who lived in both NYC and Jersey (Summit, if anyone is asking), I can tell you that I am extremely jealous that your mother-in-law only has to walk two or three blocks in city to reach the venue of the wedding. I’m not joking – it sounds like such a great deal. The reason I think the Bride and Groom are off the hook for parking at their wedding is because many of the guests won’t take cars. Most people in NYC (even some of my friends in Queens) don’t drive at all, and don’t even have cars. They take subways/trains/taxis where ever they need to go. In addition, renting a parking facility in the city could be prohibitively expensive – if it’s even allowed. As you know, parking can $20/hr and up, unless there’s a street spot available.
Fortunately, there are trains, ferries and the PATH system available from Jersey – has your mother considered a park and ride? It may be cheaper for her. If walking is the issue, then perhaps a cab?
I recently was invited to a wedding in which I have been invited to the dance only, not the wedding. My son is best friends with the brides brother and we have known the family for over 15 years. Frankly when I got the invitation what it stated to me was we’re too cheap to invite you to the wedding or feed you at the reception but please come to the dance and by the way bring a gift. I am extremely insulted. Do you go and if so do you need to give them anything in the way of a gift or money and is $20 or less being too cheap. thanks for the advice.
I’ve always heard that if a wedding invitation is received, then one must give a gift. In your case, it sounds as if no wedding invitation was received, so you don’t have to give anything except your good wishes for their future.
You go only if you want to and you can be happy about the dance only portion of the invite. I agree it is not ideal but RSVP yes only if this is something you can get past. RSVP NO if you can not get beyond the half invite. If you attend give a gift. as always gifts should be in keeping with your budget, your closeness to the couple, and your joy at the event.
I have always followed this rule:
“The person who arrives is greeted and the one who leaves says goodbye”
I am right? Would appreciate your clarification.
This note is for Daniel Post Senning. I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed the article you wrote in the Costco Connection magazine concerning the obligations of sending a thank you note. I agree with you totally. I will be 60 in Feb and have been called old fashioned, but the way you described a handwritten note as “a treasure in a sealed packet, full of promise and potential” and a “visceral reminder of someone far away” gave me a warm spot in my heart. My mother always taught me to send a handwritten note and it does my heart good to know it is still the best way to say thank you. Sincerely, Valarie Brownewell
My daughter is remarrying her ex husband. I want to make sure of the dos and don’ts of this special ocassion….again. We are planning a small event at our church. Can you give me some direction please? Lori-Mother of the Bride
What are you wondering about?
It is a second wedding so traditionally smaller. This is expecially so for the second wedding of the exact same couple.
No bridal showers as the guests who would normally would have attended a bridal shower have already done so once for this couple. Pleaple are under no obligation to give wedding gifts even if they attend the wedding as they have already done so once for this couple. Large bridal parties are not done. Bachlorette and Bachlor parties are a smidge hipocritical as well. Religious traditions vary by religion.
Beyond this the bride and groom are welcome to have a lovely wedding and a lovely reception with whatever flourishes they can afford and would like.
Best wishes to them on their remarriage.
One of my good friends daughter is getting married. We have been friends for 20+ years. My friend told me that her daughter did not want her inviting her friends that she was not close to. I am not close to her daughter although I know her and the whole family and of course hear all about her through her mom . The daughter wants more of her friends. She asked me what I thought, knowing I would probably not be invited. I told her it didn’t feel good but I would not be devastated. I also said I believe the wedding is a special day for her as well and that she should be able to share it with special people in her life too. My friend is paying for a significant portion of the wedding. It seems a little selfish on the part of the daughter. What do you think?
Of course the wedding should be about the bride and the groom and those whom are close to the bride and groom.If in 20 years of friendship with the mother of the bride you have not developed a close relationship with the bride you are unlikely to do so between now and the wedding. The mother of the bride will also be surrounded by her family (which are also the brides family) and those friends whom have forged a relationship with the bride over the years. the ettiquette lapses I see are 1. The mother of the bride discussing the party extensivbely with someone whom is not invited. 2. You making the mother of the bride feel guilty for not inviting you when you are not closely tied to her daughter the bride.
Yes the wedding is a big deal to the mother of the bride but the wedding is about the bride and groom and thus the mother of the bride should be celbrating with her friends and family who are close to the bride as well as her new in laws in the form of the grooms family .
I agree with Alicia. To put it simply; regardless of who is paying, a wedding is a celebration for the couple and their relationship. There is absolutely nothing selfish about the couple wanting a level of intimacy on this most special day of their lives.
Even though I’ve agreed to invite a couple of my mom’s friends (whom I’ve not met) to our wedding this summer, it is still slightly uncomfortable for me. Here are the reasons why: On my wedding day I want to feel relaxed and surrounded by my closest loved ones, not worrying about trying to remember names and faces of my own guests. I’m guessing my mom will be stressed out enough as it is without feeling the need to “entertain” or converse exclusively with these friends who won’t know anyone else at the wedding. And though my parents are paying for a portion of the wedding, my fiance and I are paying for other portions and adding guests does put a strain on our budget. Lastly I feel completely uncomfortable accepting a wedding gift from someone I’ve never met.
Though I can certainly understand your desire to share in this special day with your friend, it is a celebration of the bride and her groom, not the bride’s mother and her friends. If you would like a chance to get to know your friend’s daughter more, perhaps you can throw a congratulations luncheon after the wedding? That would be a lovely gesture.
I do like the manner in which you have framed this situation plus it does indeed offer me personally some fodder for consideration. Nevertheless, through everything that I have seen, I simply just trust as the actual feed-back pack on that people today continue to be on issue and not embark on a soap box involving some other news du jour. Anyway, thank you for this superb piece and even though I do not necessarily concur with the idea in totality, I value your standpoint.
My sister’s husband died tragically a few months ago. He was a very well liked person and 500+ people attended his funeral and visitation. Two months later the community held a fundraising event for the future college needs of his 4 children. My sister, mother and I are diligently writing thank you cards and are wondering at what point do we draw the line? We are thanking people who provided meals, helped in a special way, sent in donations, and personalized sympathy cards. Do we also need to send out thank yous to all of the people who attended any of these events? It is becoming very overwhelming.
My mother is having a party for her 90th birthday, but she doesn’t want any gifts, she would like people to make a donation towards the works to be carried in her church. How do we say it in the invitations?
You do not. You do not mention gifts on an invite. If you or mom is quereied directly then you can say that she has everything she needs but if they would like to donate to her church that she would love that.
But gifts or the lack never get mentioned on invites. Info about gifts should only be given when people ask.
Hi ,
I am 25 year old married woman, and my husband keeps telling me I lack manners and ettiquettes. Can you please suggest me a book which would teach and guide me .
Thanks
Well the 18th Edition Emily post book is the obvious starting place.
http://www.emilypost.com/bookstore
But the then you may consider getting the essential manners for men or the essential manners gfor couples for your husband as telling someone that they are rude is also rude. So he may have some brushing up to do as well.
I am going to attend a black tie dinner and awards presentation honoring a man my husband works with for his community service. The hosting charity group is asking for donations with separate card included in the invitation. It asks the amount of our donation but does not tell how or when we are suppose to give the money. I was going to write a formal RSVP so do I include the donation check with the RSVP or do we pay up at the event. It doesn’t say anything about it in the invitation or reply card?
Well I would think that you could enclose a check in the envelope of the RSVP or give money at the event or on their website or by mailing a check to their office.
Most reputable charities have a director of giving or similar. That person is often identified on the charity’s website. Find him and call him.
Hi,
Offlate I have been finding my communication skills and tactfulness is not good. May I know a book which would guide me to learn these skills. I need to learn to be an adult, and I am finding it difficult without proper help.
Thanks
I would say a general manners guide is the best place to start, and then if needed buy additional ones that deal with the nitty-gritty of specific issues. Emily Post’s Etiquette is a good place to start, as is Miss Manner’s Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. Of all the etiquette experts out there, those two are the most reliable.
Each of those volumes are fairly large and cover a huge amount of topics, but always focus on the cultivation of the mindset that informs the tact and communication skills you seek.
I hope this helps you a bit, do remember to be patient and kind with yourself as you try to improve. Good luck!
I am planning a destination wedding. I have come up with a guest list and am going to send out save the dates. I am going to have to reserve rooms well in advance and budget out money for the number of guest I think we are going to have. What is the proper etiquette on how to question people if they are going to come, 9 months before the wedding? Or is that too soon all together?
Congratulations! My daughter is having a destination wedding next July & the resort wants a firm number of guests by April, so I know what you’re going through. I’m not 100% sure on the etiquette, but we sent out Save-the-Dates 10 months in advance with the wedding website listed on it asking guests to click: “we’ll be there!” “maybe…” “sorry, can’t fly out.” About 25 of the 125 invitees responded to that.
For the most part, people close enough to you will be in touch somehow and give you an idea if they’re coming, otherwise you just have to send out the invitations 4 months in advance and hope they respond in time.
9 months out is too soon to expect RSVPs. You do not get the answer for sure from people until after you send out the invites 6-8 weeks prior to the wedding and then the RSVPs are generally due about 2 weeks prior to the wedding.
Yes with the save the dates many people will have to book flights prior to 8 weeks out but save the date does not require a response at all from the guests.
Budget either high and assume everyone is coming or think through your guest list. I bet you have a pretty good idea that some people would not miss it for the world and other simply have no chance of being able to afford it. You and FI can probably get a pretty good guess. Budget a bit higher then your guess and worst case you will have a little extra money. But 9 months out well people may not be able to find out if they can get vacation or know school or work things, ect and really you can not expect responses from people until after the real invites go out.
My cousin is getting married in a few weeks. There was a mistake in printing on the RSVP cards. It says 2 seats have been reserved for you. My daughter who is single, has three children. She asked the soon to be bride and groom if children were invited and was told that there was a printing error by all means they are welcome.A few days later my daughter got a phone call from one of the groomsmen (my son). He told her that the bride and groom asked him to call and inform her that is an adults only event. He also has children as well as another one of my sons. All of whom were told to bring the kids and now two weeks before the wedding, they have all received the message that it adults only. And none of them received the message from either the bride or groom? Question now is how to handle it? And furthermore my oldest son has 5 children, all of whom are welcome because their daughter is the flower girl. They all are very much insulted and hurt.
It sounds as if the bride and groom have really made a mess of things. I can understand your daughter’s confusion – if she’s single, who was the other seat for? Why did the bride and groom tell her one thing, only to have a groomsman call and tell them something else? And if they do have a no-kids policy (which would be fine), why is it being applied inconsistently? These are all good questions, and your daughter is right to be hurt and confused by it. It’s possible that they received more positive RSVPs than they could handle, and started to think that kids were the easiest place to cut? Or perhaps they went over their budget and are trying to save some pennies here and there? Unfortunately, you may never know. Your daughter has as choice – she can either decline the invitation, or she can accept despite all of the tomfoolery. It sounds as if the kids are not invited. It might be the better thing in the long-run to accept the invitation – who knows what’s going on, and it might be too embarrassing for the bride and groom to tell her the real reason. When she looks back 10 years from now, will she feel better if she goes or doesn’t? She has the choice, and she can politely go either way.
I would talk top the bride and groom whichever is family. This is coming second and third hand to the invited people. So I would either truswt the written communication or ask for clarification from the bride and groom.
Probably ask for clarification since this is coming from one of the groomsmen maybe he does not really know what he is talking about.
Should you date a thank you note? My sister and I disagree on this and have had no luck finding an answer.
I think that most people do not date them, but I can’t think of a reason why you couldn’t. I’d be that most people feel like their thank-you notes are “late,” so they might think that dating them calls attention to that. Another way to think of it is to compare it to letters. Letters are always dated. Hand-written letters were usually kept, and became a kind of historical document. Thank-you notes on the other hand seem (to me at least) quite disposable. There are usually nothing more than a brief expression of gratitude, and in my house they usually go straight into the recycling bin. I appreciate getting them, but there’s no reason to keep them around after the message has been delivered.
So, I would say – you don’t have to date them, most people don’t, but you certainly can if you’d like.
A thank you note is really a letter, and you always date a letter. I think Elizabeth is right that many people do not date them because they might be calling attention to the fact that their thank you is written belatedly, but in truth, you should include the date like any other letter.
Question: Some old friends of ours who moved out of state abotu 2 years ago sent us a wedding invitation to their daughters wedding, whom we’ve never met. Included with the invitation was a list of places the Bride is registered for gifts.
While we “were” good friends” with the parents (one of which passed away last year) we’ve never met their daughter or new son in-law.
We aren’t going to the wedding and don’t feel we should purchase a gift.
Are we obligated to purcahse a gift for their daughters wedding?
Thanks for some info.
No you are not. You are obligated to send a card with warm congratulations to the couple and best wishes. A gift although lovely is only if you are close to the couple enough to wish to send one or if you attend the wedding.
Thanks for the info. That is what we thought was appropriate so it caught us off guard to get a list of on-line registered locations to purchase wedding gifts with instructions on how to do so. We’ll send a card and call it appropriate and done! Thanks again for your advice. R.
A friend of mine is hosting my baby shower, but I wanted to be responsible for most of the costs so that it would not be a financial burden on her. Another great friend and his wife own a small catering business, and they have graciously offered to provide us with the food (for free). There will not be any servers, and the host of the shower and myself will be there early to help them set everything up. Since it is a gift, I’m unsure about whether I should give them tip money. To thank them, I bought them a gift card to a very nice local spice shop as a small token of appreciation. Should I tip them as well? I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to thank someone for their gift with cash.
My boyfriend and I are scheduled to attend a destination wedding this weekend. His grandmother is extremely ill and we may have to fly to his home if she passes away so that we can be at the funeral next weekend. When and how do I tell our friends whose wedding we are attending? Should I let them know now that it may be an issue so they have some warning, or should I wait and see what happens? If so, should I call or email? I know that they are in the last week of preparing for the wedding and want to cause as little disruption and inconvenience as is possible.
I think the answer depends wholly on the personality of your friends. If your friends are worriers but do well in a crunch, there’s an argument to be made not to tell them anything until there’s actionable information. If you find that you can’t make it at the last minute, that would be the time to call, explain the situation, and apologize for not being able to make it. If you notify them in advance but are able to come anyway, all of the anxiety and uncertainty will have been for naught. However, if your friends are planners who prefer to know things in advance, even if uncertain, then it may be best to give them forewarning, especially if some upset in your plans is likely.
In either case, it will be best if you know clearly what your plans are depending on what news you receive. If you learn that grandmother has passed away, will you leave the wedding mid-celebration? Will your boyfriend be struck with grief? Is it best that he skip the wedding to go and be with his family, while you could attend alone? I would think all of these things through (you probably have already) and relate only your conclusions, not the thought process.
Elizabeth,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful advice. I have been considering the many scenarios you’ve outlined and a few others. I will keep my counsel until we know more. As you point out, there is no sense adding to the bride and groom’s pre-wedding list of to-dos, anxieties and stresses unnecessarily. Hopefully, we will be able to be there to celebrate with them and to support my boyfriend’s family when the time comes. What a great forum and, again, your advice and quick response are greatly appreciated.
You’re very welcome. It seems strange to say in the same sentence, but my condolences to your boyfriend, and yet I hope you are able to celebrate with your friends. Such is life, isn’t it?
I have a daughter who got married last year and a younger daughter who has been dating someone for four years. When my oldest got married, her (now) husband did not ask the boyfriend of my youngest to be in the wedding. Now my youngest is engaged and her fiance is not going to ask his future brother-in-law to be in the wedding. I think this is wrong. Am I wrong to think this way?
I think your disapproval of the wedding party is not constructive and not founded in the rules of etiquette. People assemble their wedding parties in many different ways for many different reasons. Sometimes people do have their future in-laws stand up with them, others prefer to have their closest female family and friends. For some brides and grooms, it’s important that their wedding party be their peer group, others have people of very different ages. Your oldest sister’s fiancee was not at all required to have his girlfriend’s younger sister’s boyfriend in his wedding party – that’s absurd, actually – who knew if she would go on to marry him? And her fiance is perfectly within his rights to choose whoever he likes to stand with him. It is actually quite old fashioned to require all men to stand with the groom and all women to stand with the bride. If the bride feels close to her BIL, she’s welcome to ask him to stand with her as a bridesman. But more to the point of your concern, I think – not every family member needs to have a defined role in the wedding. Most people simply like to come and enjoy the festivities without having to buy a special dress or rent a special suit, pose for lots of photos, etc.
No you are not wrong to think whatever you think. However your son in law and future son in law are not wrong to not include their brothers in law. They could get along very well and still not want their future brother in laws as amoung their very cloest people. You would be wrong if you pressured anyone to include them and cause issues. Neither of my brothers in law were in either of my sisters weddings. It would actually strike me as odd if they included their future brother in law as a groomsman
When I married my husband, I had a career and credit history and for various reasons decided not to take his name. I went the hyphenated route. Even though I made it clear to many people that I found “Mr. and Mrs. Husband’s Name” to be demeaning, my family still insists on using these titles to address letters to us. In a few months, I will be graduating with my Phd, and I have been wondering what the correct, polite way to address letters will be? Will it be Mr. and Dr. Husband’s Name? Or should it be Dr. and Mr. Wife’s Name? You know, just in case my grandmother asks.
Because you will have earned a Ph.D., and presumably out-rank your husband, letters addressed to you should have your name first (Dr. Jane Smith and Mr. John Smith, or Dr. Jane Jones-Smith and Mr. John Smith). Because you are married, the names will be on the same line.
Refer to this excellent Emily Post article on the topic of titles for more.
My Grandson just got married and I was wondering about Christmas gifts. I have always given my Grandson $300 cash for Christmas ~~ but since I am on a fixed income, I cannot afford to give my Granddaughter-in-law that same amount. What would you suggest? I love them both.
That is exceedingly generous of you. Of course I am sure that your grandson and his new wife would be very pleased with whatever you can afford to give them. Just be sure that whatever you choose to do, give it in both of their names so that your grandson’s wife will feel included. An accompanying letter emphasizing their dearness to you will drive home the point of how much you care for them both, and what more could a grandchild want than the love and approval of their grandparent?
What a considerate grandma! They’re lucky to have you.
Personally I would be astonished if my significant other’s grandparents felt they had to give me money on any occasion. Simply addressing the card to both of them should be quite adequate – after all, a welcome into the family will prove far more valuable than any dollar amount.
If you will be spending the holidays together, a token gift would surely be a generous gesture, but this needn’t be expensive; the most appreciated gifts received around the time of my wedding were the Reader’s Digest DIY Manual (currently £3.50 on Amazon) and a toolkit with small tools for women’s hands (~£25). These together have saved me far more than $300!
You are also of course in a position to offer the benefit of your longer experience. Perhaps letting your new granddaughter know that she can ask for your advice when she needs it would be a nice way to show her your affection.
A friend purchased a table at a local fundraiser. She invited my husband, myself and 2 other couples. In lieu of having us pay for the seats, she has asked that we make a donation. Are there guidelines as to what amount the donation should be? The seats would have been $150 each.
I am in need of advice on attire for an early evening “of revelry”. This event will not extend past 10pm. Dress has been stated as “country club casual” but I am uncertain as to what to wear. The hostess is a decorator and normally very colorful, ecclectic, and trendy in her dress. There will be many people there from all walks of life. I would like to appear well dressed but not overly or underly so. One of my co-workers is going in a simple long black dress. How formal is “country club casual?” From what I have read online it is not that formal but another co-worker has said she was told by a dress shop that it is more formal than what we are reading. I would be more comfortable in trousers than a dress also. Can anyone clarify what “country club casual” is and offer a suggestion as to what would be appropriate to wear?
Thank you.
My first thought is to wear anything from this website: http://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/home.jsp
(No, I’m not affiliated with them in any way.)
Nice slacks with a cardigan and a colorful scarf, or a pants suit would be appropriate. I also found this image of nicely dressed women in a variety of outfits.
Thank you, Laura. My apologies for posting in two places. I have been looking at that very website. The photo helps a lot too.
No apologies are necessary.
Country club casual to me with a 10pm end time would be a nice but not formal dress something knee length in a casual but not too casual fabric. I would not wear a long dress as they are more formal nor would I wear all black as that is also more formal. Since you prefer pants in your case a very nice pair of trousers with a nice fabric shirt and a statement blazer would be fantastic.
My take would be (for women):
Mid-calf or knee-length skirt or dress, or slacks. No mini-skirts or full-length dresses.
Blouse, short-sleeved dress/top. No long-sleeved dresses (unless the style is clearly casual), t-shirts, spaghetti straps, strapless or backless dresses, mega cleavage or strange and elaborate necklines.
Cardigan or shawl for warmth – no hats or fascinators.
Open-toed sandals, Mary-Janes, brogues, courts (block- or low-heeled). No super-high heels or stillettos, boots.
Cotton, plain-weave silk, cashmere, light wool, linen. Not velvet, satin, lace, shot/watered silk, denim, jersey, leather, Lycra.
Sherbet colours, jewel tones, pastels, cream, florals or small prints. Not all black or all white.
Hi, I am marrying my best friend very soon and it’s time to send out invitations! My dilemma is that my parents are divorced and both remarried. I am sort of close to my moms husband, but not at all to my dads wife. We actually don’t get along at all. My mother thinks I should word the invitations as follows:
Mrs. & Mr. (step dads name)
Mr. & Mrs. (dads name)
I don’t Like this way at all. And, both of my parents and my fiancés Parents will most likely be paying for the wedding. I’ve been looking at different ideas of what to put, but haven’t found one the fits just right, yet. Also, my fiancé and I already have a 2 yr old son together. Not sure if that will change anything. Thanks!
How about “together with their families”
this avoids the very hard problem in your case of defining who you consider family.
question on etiquette,
it is not wrong to post a meesage on facebookj aboout a death of a fathe rof five children until they have atleast announced it.. shoukld th eperson not wait outof respect, as thr family needs time????
Yes, it is improper to announce a death when the family has not yet announced it, or possibly they don’t even know yet.
You should definitely wait. It’s the family’s prerogative to announce a death — and it’s possible they don’t want it announced on Facebook.
Even if you’re within the immediate family you should wait until all family members know of the death before posting. Last December my mom died, and my sisters and I knew before my nieces and nephew. I did want to inform my friends, but I waited until I knew my nieces and nephew had been told before posting a Facebook note, since one niece and my nephew are on Facebook.
I have just recently started dating ( for 3 weeks now) a man who I have been friends with for 3 years. the holidays are coming and I’d like to know what an appropriate gift would be for him. Although our dating relationship is new, we know each other pretty well and he likes nice things. We have never given gifts to one another before but I would like to give him something nice. Would love some suggestions that are not too expensive.
Thank you
It appears you know this man far better than we do, and I’m afraid I’m uncertain what your personal definition of “not too expensive” might be. That said, here are some gifts that have served me well over the years for men:
- A painting by a living artist in a genre he prefers (the living ones tend to be less expensive).
- An experience that he’d enjoy (swimming with dolphins, dinner cruise, backstage passes to a favorite band, tickets to a sporting event)
- Signed copy of a book he’d like, or first edition of one of his favorites
- Latest video game release, or (as with my husband last year), an adult gaming chair with wireless speakers (he’s a gamer nerd).
I’m sure you’ll pick the right gift, as long as you’ve considered his tastes!
My daughter became engaged on Sunday and she hates her engagement ring. She has called me asking for advice I’m so concerned how to respond correctly. She had given her fiance pictures of rings she would like. He and his mother went to the family jeweler presented a picture, the jeweler designed a ring. The problem is the stone she wanted was a princess cut the jeweler took several stones and placed them to resemble the princess stone. My daughter does not want to hurt his feelings she loves him very much but she would have rather had a small stone verses several to appear to be something it is not? What is the proper thing to do ?
Rhonda,
Your daughter should tread very carefully here. From your account, she gave her fiance a drawing of the ring she wanted, and he went so far as to have it made for her. As such, this is not really a ring that can be returned. Second, he bought the group of smaller diamonds because he could not afford the single larger diamond. If she goes back to him to express her dissatisfaction with the ring, can you imagine how he will feel? Despite all his best efforts, he still could not please her? My advice would be for your daughter to find a way to love the ring. It sounds to me as though she has the style she wants, the color gold she wants, etc. It’s only this arrangement of stones she doesn’t like. It’s a detail, she should think of it as such. Perhaps after they are married for a few years, and their financial fortunes turn up, she can ‘upgrade’ her stone. But for now she should say nothing other than how pleased she is with it.
I completely agree with Elizabeth. At first I thought you were going to tell us that your daughter picked one certain ring, but her fiance decided on something completely different. However, that’s not the case. Your daughter picked a style of ring, and the fiance got as close to it as he could afford. What a nice guy.
I am an appraiser. I notice things such as type of stone, cut, design, etc. I’ve learned that most people do not. They see something shiny and don’t wonder to themselves about if it’s white gold or silver, or whether there are multiple stones in a grouping achieving the effect of a single stone, or if the emerald is really a tsavorite. When most people view your daughter’s ring, they will notice the unique style of it, and she can proudly say that it was designed by a professional specifically for her. That will be impressive.
Whilst addressing my Christmas cards, I came across this dilemma: my cousin has recently become engaged, however I have yet to meet his fiance. I’m wondering if I address the card to only my cousin or to both parties?
If they are living together it would be gracious of you to do so.
Some people will tell you that the correct form is
Cool Cousin
Fantastic Fiance
1 Main Street
Anytown, Anystate 12345
I think that the better form is
Cool Cousin & Fantastic Fiance
1 Main Street
Anytown, Anystate 12345
But either will work
If they live together, you should definitely address it to both. If not, I would address the envelope to just him but say “Dear Cousin and Fiancee” inside the card.
I have a business and sometimes when a client asks me the progress on something I have to let them know I am waiting on a response from someone else.
What is a very polite way to let them know that I am on top of it and just waiting on someone else?
By telling them what you’ve done so far, that you’re waiting for a response from Person X, and that you’ll follow up with Person X if you haven’t heard from him in Y time period.
We have four children and 8 grandchildren ages 3 thru 17. We buy each of the grandchildren a gift. My question is must the cost of each gift be the same dollar amount, we usually set an amount to spend on each and if I get a gift at a discount and it is of an higher value is this bad of me or should I pass up the “deal”?
Absolutely you should not pass up the deal. The eight grandkids do not need to get exactly the same dollar value of items. If you budget say $20 per kid and find a $30 dollar item on sale for $15 that would make one kid very happy go buy that item. Then use the extra $5 to either go a little over other grandkids or to make yourself happy. Polite does not mean you have to get identical or identical worth items for all 8 kids. Instead go ahead and bargain shop. Over the years the bargains you will find will vary from kid to kid and will even out. What matters more then the gifts in every case is the affection from their grandparents.
Irma — Getting a gift at a discount is being a good shopper, not a bad person. I do something similar for my nieces and nephew. I have a set amount to spend on each person in my family (nieces, nephew, siblings). If I find one of their preferred items for a lower price, I use the extra money to buy a gift card for one of their favorite stores. If their preferred item takes all that I’ve allocated for that person, well that’s the way it goes. I’ve never had any sense that one person feels unfairly treated because another got a gift that was “worth more” than his/hers.
My question pertains to letter-writing etiquette of a hundred years ago. If you receive a letter that is disagreeable, is returning it to sender a standard form of stating that you are displeased?
Contrary, if you keep it, would that indicate to the sender that you are fine with its contents?
This has to do with a series of letters sent to the Kaiser (yes, really) whose Aide de camp returned them to the sender, with the excuse that they had been sent to the wrong place. They had not.
As today not everyone 100 years ago was polite and sometimes a point was made in a way that was not precisely polite. No returning a letter was not standard. Nor is keeping a letter agreeing with it’s contents. It was a rude thing to do 100 years ago but not the rudest thing the Kaiser or his aide de camp ever did likely. For someone like that saying the wrong address was on them is like saying you are not in the know and should not be sending letters without explicitly saying such.
I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 months and his grandmother (mom’s mom) just passed away last night. He has met my family, but I have yet to meet his (we were actually supposed to this weekend, but plans will change). He and his family have been expecting her death for a while, but regardless and understandably are still very sad and upset by it. My question has two parts. One, would it be appropriate to go with him as a support to the wake and funeral despite having never met his family? I’m concerned that this may be an inappropriate circumstance to meet them under but I do want to be there for him. Two, would it be appropriate to send flowers and a sympathy card to his parents despite having never met them (but they know I exist)?
Neither of the two things you suggest are appropriate or inappropriate in and of themselves, but are highly dependent on how your boyfriend feels about them. If he wants you at the funeral for moral support, then by all means go. If he says that he’d rather you and his parents meet during happier circumstances, then gracefully accept that. Flowers seem like a nice gesture, seems like there’s no harm in sending an arrangement and a card.
Either would be fine. Ask your boyfriend what he wants and respect his wishes. In some cases your attending would be a comfort in others a burden. Same with flowers and arrangements ask him what he wants you to do with regards to this and do what he wishes.
Hello, I have an etiquette question concerning lending things to a neighbor. We have a neighboring family, who since they have moved in, have not hesitated to ask to borrow (what feels like) virtually everything in our home. Paint brushes, ladders, vacuum cleaner, clothes, even my husband’s personal hair trimmers, you name it. Up until now, we have either let them borrow whatever they ask for, or have just skirted the issue. How can we be up front and honest so this won’t continue but not be rude or hurt their feelings? Our kids play together, and we like to visit with them socially, so we don’t want to make things awkward. We are just tired of not having our things returned or the items returned in worse condition (hair trimmers filled with the husband’s hair, for example.) Help?
First off let me say, clothes and personal hair trimmers? Those are really excessive requests from a neighbor. The next time they ask to borrow something I would say “You know neighbor, our family has noticed issues with lending our belongings out to people and not having them returned or having them returned damaged, so we have made a new family rule not to lend our items out anymore. I’m terribly sorry. But I think the hardware store around the corner carries what you are looking for.” And if they come back with “Oh we promise we’ll return them” stand your ground and let them know again that you are sorry but you just won’t be able to lend the item. And don’t feel terribly bad. After all, these are your family’s items and you have a right to keep them safe in your home if you don’t feel they will be returned safely.
I have a question about sick etiquette. I am a full time graduate student and I work part time in a hospital. I burn the candle at both ends often and I get more than my share of colds. Due to alot of abuse of our companies sick policy we have strict enforcement of our hospitals sick policy- more than 7 sick days results in disciplinary actions. Unfortunately, I found myself feeling like I was coming down with the stomach flu- I had no more sick time and I could not switch with anyone. I felt forced to go to work.
Also unfortunately, one of my co-workers who acts as my assistant feels that I gave her that same stomach bug which resulted is her being hospitalized for several days. At a recent work social engagement, she let it be known that she blames me for her illness. I was intially defensive about it- stating we work in a place covered in germs etc. etc. But should I apologize- for something I might have done- but is impossible to prove?
Tarab,
I don’t think an apology is necessary. If anything is to blame, it’s the sick leave policy which required you to go to work while ill. I would speak to your supervisor and ask for clarification about the policy. If you were really too sick to leave your bed, would there really be disciplinary action? Or would it be possible to be excused with a doctor’s note? That would be my primary concern.
You may have made your coworker ill, you may not have – but all bugs have to come from somewhere and someone, and there’s no way you could have anticipated a hospitalization. If you find yourself in this position next time, though, I would stay home. If you work in a hospital, then you work around people whose immunities are compromised, and even worse than getting a coworker ill would be passing the bug on to someone already sick with something else.
I agree with Elizabeth that the sick policy is to blame. I also think this coworker is being rude and immature telling people it’s your fault. As someone with a weak immune system, I’m usually the first one to catch something when a sick person comes to work or any other place. I still have never blamed the person who “got me sick.” For one thing, you obviously didn’t do it on purpose. Also most bugs are contagious a few days before symptoms start so she could have caught it from you before you even knew you were sick.
I will be getting married next summer, and my fiance and I originally wanted our wedding in his hometown. Recently however, I have fallen in love with the idea of having our wedding in my own hometown. His mother wants the wedding in his hometown, and my mother wants the wedding in my hometown. He is ambivalent about the location, but I don’t want to offend my future Mother in law or hurt her feelings. How should I handle all of this?
You and your fiance should sit down and discuss the pros and cons of each location in terms of your own desires, that of family, convenience for guests, and cost. Then with all of those things in mind you two should reach a choice and present that choice as fait acompli to your family and guests. Discuss rationally, decide, and then present a united front.
I like Alicia’s advice, but want to add one point – it sounds like you already agreed to have the wedding in his hometown. His parents may have already told family/friends your plans. Changing the location on them could be inconvenient.
Concerning graduation announcements. Who is responsible for sending these out? and what length of time prior to graduation? who’s return address should be on the card?
I received one the day after Baccalaureate and 4 days before graduation. I live over 1000 miles away. The card had been sent by the stepmother with their address. The graduate lives in another state with the mother, her address was not included.
Had I not previously known I would not have been able to make travel arrangements. There is barely time to mail a gift. Is this bad planning or lack of manners? Wondering if all the announcements were this late.
Honestly they are out of date in this modern word. Information passes much faster and if you do not know through email, letters, facebook, phone ect it is probably not important for you to know. For a BA/BS either the student of their parent could send the announcement. announcements are not invites to the graduation nor are they a gift requiring thing. All that you need do is contact the graduate with best wishes.
Oh and mainly they are sent out after the graduation so it is not late but early if it arrived 4 days before graduation.