emilypost.com
Hello Friends,
While we love our question and answer blog and know that this is simply the best place to get a personal answer to your etiquette question (or have your voice heard), for a complete look at the full scope of The Emily Post Institute publishing and training programs…
Come visit us at emilypost.com!
As a signature new media project we have been building a database at emilypost.com of our most sought etiquette material and are so happy with the results. We call it Etipedia®!
Etiquette + Encyclopedia = Etipedia®
The Etipedia® is an online database filled with articles, advice and answers for any and all of your etiquette questions. You can search the Etipedia using keywords and phrases, or you can browse by subject area. The Etipedia is not only a comprehensive reference tool; it is a reliable source of information on business etiquette seminars and trainings, manners for children, wedding etiquette, and more–with a fresh look, increased accessibility, and a variety of content.
The Etipedia is designed to make finding a solution to the most common etiquette dilemmas quick and easy!
Loading ...
{ 81 comments… read them below or add one }
When a person has received the degree of Doctor, other than a medical Dodctr, is it permissable to sign DR. before your name when signing a guest register at a funeral, wedding or other outing?
Thanks for helping with this delimma.
It is absolutely permissable for someone to do this– it would actually be wrong for them not to. “Dr.” before a name is used to describe any sort of doctor; however, if someone want to list their specific degree, then they would write “John Doe, MD” or “Jane Doe, Ph.D.” and as far as I know, either is acceptable at any given moment. Although, in an academic setting, the latter may be preferred.
In my opinion, in the instances that are in question (funeral, wedding) signing your name with “Dr.” would have to do a little more with your relationship to the either the deceased or bride and groom. If you are/were a collegue or perhaps family dentist to the party in question, than yes I agree with Monsieur Olivier; by all means sign your name as such. But, as a personal preference, if I invited a relative or a close friend with that title to my wedding, I wouldn’t necessarily prefer they sign their name Dr. Abby Smith to the guest register. That title has nothing to do with our personal relationship. Granted I wouldn’t be terribly insulted… but I certainly don’t think it is wrong to leave the “Dr.” title out of one’s name the rather personal occasions that you mentioned.
I am trying to find an answer to an “advanced” etiquette question and have had no luck, I’m hoping you can help me. My husband and I were recently invited to dinner at a restaurant by our daughters boss. There were 5 adults, 3 men (the host, my husband and a male co-worker of our daughter) and 2 women (our daughter and me). The wife of the host was not able to attend. I was seated to the right of the host. Once the food was served, in this scenario, who is supposed to take the first bite?
The host, regardless of gender when only one is in attendance, is the one to take the first bite, thus signaling to the others present to begin eating. In the case of husband and wife hosts for a business dinner, he may defer to his wife.
My mother and I have an ongoing disagreement about tipping in a restaurant. I say that if you have a coupon for money off the final bill, you tip on the total bill before the coupon is applied. She says you tip on the total after the coupon is taken off. Please help us so we can settle this issue.
You always tip based on the price before coupon. The waiter did the same amount of work regardless of whether or not you are receiving a discount. You tip based on total bill, before taxes and coupons/discounts.
Coupons and tipping – I agree with you. Always tip on the amount (not including tax) before the coupon. Anything else punishes the waitstaff for your having a coupon. As Alex K stated, they’re doing the same amount of work. If the service is exceptional, you’ll have a little extra to add to their tip.
I am loving Etipedia. Very creative!
My sister is having a destination wedding. How could I tell her that I can’t afford to go? I have not worked in 2 years, and we have a child in college. I feel that it is alot to ask someone to attend and feel obligated to go to a destination wedding!
I agree with you, Laura. “We are so happy for you and Tom, but we simply cannot afford to come. We will be thinking of you on your day and look forward to celebrating with you when you get back.” If she wants you there, she’ll pay your way. It is insensitive in these times to foist this expectation on anyone.
I have the honor of being invited to an Eagle Scout Court of Honor Ceremony for the Grandson of my best freinds. Do I take a gift, if so Please give an idea.
If you know the grandson, take a small gift to commemorate the occassion… and engraved key chain, photo frame, or pen. He’s worked very hard for his Eagle rank. If you don’t know him, a card would be appropriate. Hallmark sells some specifically for Eagle Scouts. Congratulations to the new Eagle!!
I tried to find on your website about addressing a couple in this situation, the mother is remarried but is keeping the ex-husband’s name because of the children but hyphenating it with the new husband’s name. When I am making out an address label, how do I list the names? Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Jones-Smith or Mr. John and Jane Jones-Smith?
Help!
Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Jones-Smith.
We were having a discussion at dinner regarding dinner plates. While eating a meal, is it appropriate to turn your plate so that the food you want to eat is on the side of the plate nearest you? This is assuming the plate is round with no “right side up” pattern or odd shape where turning it would make it look out of place with the other plates on the table.
The plate should be served with the main food or entree, i.e. meat, at the six o’clock position. It is impolite to “dial” the plate, unless it was set before you with the entree not in the correct position. The meat is at six o’clock to facilitate cutting it without having to arch your arms over the plate to avoid cuffs dragging in the plate. If there is something you’d rather eat instead, simply eat it from its position in relation to six o’clock.
It seems there is a difference of opinions regarding where to put your napkin if you must leave the dinner table during dinner to go to the ladies’ room. I say on the chair, but my friends say folded on the left of the plate. Please help.
Grace, I have misspoken on this subject in the past. The correct place is to leave it folded next to your plate. It should not be left on the chair, and I believe this is because it is less sanitary or may deposit food particles on the chair upholstery. Your friends are correct.
How do I respond to a charity event invitation when I cannot attend and I’d rather not donate? The response card only offers the choice “I cannot attend, but please accept my donation”. Thanks, Marianne
Simply cross through “but please accept my donation.” One shouldn’t feel held up by a charity.
What do you say to a relative that rspv’d “yes” to your daughter’s wedding, goes to the church ceremony, and then has some sort of argument with wife, then decides not to go the reception, wife attends with 2 daughters for about 2 hours or less?
It sometimes takes awhile before anyone can respond to a posting. Please look for my response to your initial query in the December 3rd thread.
My spouse and I have a question regarding attire. He works on board a cruise ship and is a manager and considered an officer. He is not required to attend formal night but on occasion is invited personally by guests to dine with them. When he does attend he is only required to wear his evening uniform which consists of a dress slacks (blue), dress jacket (blue), long sleeve white shirt, and blue tie. Here is our question. I am occasionally on board with him and attend formal night with him when he is asked. I tend to wear long evening gowns, jewel tones in winter, pastels in summer and gowns that have plunging necklines or gowns that show cleavage but by no means showing nipples or skimpy thin coverage. I am a 38C so I am a little busty. Is it appropriate to show cleavage or should I be covered up, what is the proper attire to wear amongst other guests or if we were dinning with the Captain or other company executives like the CEO etc?
On three occasions (twice at the same restaurant) I have had waitstaff return my change without including the coins. Please know what bothers me has nothing to do with the amount of change. It is the principle of it. Is this a new trend? I think it’s presumptuous and very bad manners. This takes “do you need change” to a whole new level. I think supervisors need to talk to their staff. The first time it happened, I included what the waitress kept as part of her tip. The irony of this is I am told I’m an overly generous tipper. The first time it happened at a favorite restaurant, I wrote an e-mail to the manager and received an immediate response. He said he’d take it as an opportunity to counsel the staff and he promised it never would happen again. He was bothered very much by what happened. It recently happened again – only with a new twist. The waitress returned with my change, put the paper money on the table and then looked at me and asked, “do you want your change.” I said, yes I do. I have noticed that on all three occasions, the staff person was very young and perhaps inexperienced. I need to come up with a snappy response next time it happens. What is happening out there?
You are right. When purchasing anything correct change should be given back to you no questions asked. Also, as a server in the past, I always recognized how rude it was when other servers would ask patrons “would you like your change?” it puts the buyer in the awkward position in front of the whole table to sound cheap by saying “Why yes I do!”
The only thing I can say in playing devil’s advocate is that often at the restaurant where I served we wouldn’t be given very little change to start our shift and if everyone paid with cards or used up all of the change that night, many times it would make for an embarrassing “Umm sorry I have to pay you in all nickels”/”If you’ll be so kind to wait for just another 5 minutes while I chase someone down who can give me the correct change” conversation. I would always try to make it clear to management that this is not acceptable to many customers, but usually got a reply “Well..sometimes we just run out”
If it happens again, I would continue to do what you have done in reporting it to management. Like I said, you are right in being unhappy due to principle alone. Not giving correct change is a form of stealing whether the fault of the server or the establishment.
My husband recently passed away after being sick for a short period of time. I have had people tell me that I should stop waring my wedding band. I have two, the original in white gold and a yellow gold that was given to me for an anniversary when I had my diamond reset. Is it proper to put each of them on chains and ware them around my neck or can I continue to ware them on my hand?
I’m sorry to read of your loss. You have fulfilled your obligation “Until death do we part,” and no one can tell you what to do with your wedding bands. I couldn’t find what the Emily Post Institute says, but Miss Manners says the following:
“Can you tell me how long I should wear my wedding band, or can I continue to wear it?”
“Gentle Reader: No, and neither can anyone else.Whether you remove your wedding ring is entirely up to you. The only thing the Victorians had to say was that it should absolutely be done by the morning of a wedding ceremony with a subsequent gentleman.”
Don’t let people tell you how to honor your departed partner. That is 100% your business.
Wearing or not wearing your wedding band is entirely up to you . Do as you wish be that to wear all the rings, wear some but not others, wear them around a necklace or not at all. The only point at which you need to remove your current wedding bands is if you become engaged to another. I’m sorry for your loss of your husband.
I recently attended a school board meeting to receive an award from the school board in the district that I teach in. My family was there, including my 9 year old daughter. Since we arrived only a few minutes before the meeting started, we took our places quickly. I recieved my award, and we left. The next day, the superintendent visited my daughter’s classroom, and she mentioned that she saw him at the meeting the night before. He asked her why she didn’t come up and shake his hand or wave to him at the meeting. She did ask me and my husband, but we told her that it was not an appropriate time, since this was a business meeting and not a social gathering. When my daughter tried to tell him that, he stopped her and instead asked her to do a report on proper manners to present to the class, and then he had her stand up to demonstrate shaking hands. (She felt humiliated and embarrassed in front of her class and teacher.) Was I wrong to tell her not to greet him at the meeting?
Being a teacher’s kid myself, I can see the different sides to this situation. First off I don’t think it would have been an “inappropriate time” for your daughter to greet or shake hands with the superintendant after the meeting had concluded. Doing so is good manners and will help her learn how to converse with adults in a business setting. *This is assuming your family didn’t sneak out in the middle of the meeting, which unless done very discretely during a break or for an emergency wouldn’t be very courteous since you were one of the guests of honor it seems.
Secondly I don’t find it appropriate for the superintendant to address and single out your daughter in her classroom either. He isn’t her teacher, nor did what take place have anything to do with the classroom, so asking her to stand and present a report on manners was completely out of line. I’m not sure how strongly you felt about this, but if it were me I would get my pen started on a letter to him to the tune of
Mr. Superintendant,
I wanted to sincerely thank you for the part you played in my receiving the x award. It was a great honor to be recognized for the work I do. I would like to apologize that our family had to leave before Alice or myself could come shake your hand. As you know it is hard to find a sitter on a school night, so our family had to leave a little earlier than usual. Alice mentioned that she had been singled out in class for my mistake. I’m sure that was a misunderstanding, but Alice and I will be happy to come meet with you privately to discuss the matter on Wednesday at 4pm if that works for you. At that time perhaps you can give her some of your great tips and tricks for conversing with adults in the business world. I am sure she would welcome some friendly advice.
I beleive a note like that clears up any misunderstandings and hopefully gives him the hint that these matters are better dealt with person to person than in the classroom.
My sister in law returned two baby gift dresses I sent to her -before the babies were even born to try them on! ( I did include a gift receipt) but, I was insulted that she would return them from family. Is that correct etiquette or in poor taste? I found out because the return came thru to my computer acct.
You sent a present to your sister in law, and included the gift receipt, but are now angry that they were returned?
If you didn’t want them returned, perhaps the gift receipt shouldn’t have been included. Personally, I doubt I would have returned them, but perhaps they weren’t her taste.
What is the proper etiquette for sending sympathy cards to family/friends who have lost a family member? Is there a specific time you wait before sending a card?
Someone told me it is improper to send a card prior to the funeral.
Thanks,
G H
Send the card the day you hear the sad news. It will take a day to leave your mailbox and another day or a few to get to the bereaved.
My question is the proper order of passing food at a dinner and if it would be different at a tea???
I, with another individual, am giving a baby shower for a friend. We have rented a local coffee shop and eatery for the location and they are also catering. The expense for this will be upwards of $300. Are we also obligated to give a gift a the shower or is the shower our gift?
Obligated is a pretty harsh word. =) You are not obligated to give a gift, but yes it would be nice to do so. It is very kind to offer to host thus pay for the expense of the party, but if that cost weighs heavily on you I would consider giving a small thoughtful gift instead of large costly one. You could make her something lovely for the baby, or perhaps buy an inexpensive, plain diary and embellish it for the mother to keep track of baby’s firsts etc.
My wife and i have had constant clashes over manners, i was raised to be considerate and thoughtful with everyone and show respect where as she (told me)wasn’t even taught to say thank you. Now that we have a 5 & a 6yr, she fully supports me in raising them towards my south american culture. Her mom and two sisters are ok with their manners(they could use a class,though) but they don’t care much for it when it comes to their kids (2 daughters each 12-17 yrs.) or mine. Please, excuse me, thank you,consideration are also missing from their daughter’s lives. I understand they are at the age that it is all about them but what really gets to me is when they ignore my two boys, especially my 6 yr who is really tall for his age and has a little bit of a speech problem but my 5 yr gets their attention, i guess because he is smaller so, my 6 yr. asks me why his cousins don’t play with him sometimes and i have witness the bias. They do exclude him at times and this angers me because, they have no sense of family and the parents don’t anything about it. I feel they don’t talk to their kids. My wife and I have confronted them before and when it happens in front of their parents but it falls on deaf ears. I have even gone as far to say to the older ones that it would be nice for them to sacrifice at least 5 minutes of their time for their little cousins. Is it wrong for me to do that in front of the parents and what is the best advice to give my 6 yr on the matter? He is such a caring boy who wants friends and when his cousins ignore him it breaks my heart.
At the ages of 12-17, young women at times will start to develop that “nuture” gene that can cause them to naturally gravitate towards the smallest/cutest/most helpless creatures (Think puppies and bunnies). Unforunately this is just somewhat natural. But doesn’t excuse excluding their cousin.
Why don’t you do a little prep-work before your gatherings with them and arrange some specific activites that include all of the children? You can teach them how to all play a game together for example. Maybe even partner games/activities where each of your boys is partnered with one of your nieces and each team has to find all of the items on a scavenger hunt list before the other team.
This way you aren’t hurting anyone’s feelings or coming across in an accusing manner. Also perhaps you can teach your 6 yr old to be a little more interactive and teach him what to do when someone is ignoring him. Maybe he can learn to politely inject himself into their fun, in which case he will learn a skill for what to do if this should happen at school or elsewhere. Having him try “Oh this looks fun, do you mind if I join you?” might be just the ticket. Then he will start to gain a little more self confidence when he realizes he is in charge of where he wants to play and who he wants to play with.
Thank you very much for the advice Country Girl, my wife’s nieces have been great with the my boys,playing together, talking, all four of them even called my 6 yr old for his birthday.(lets see if this happens next yr. as they are inconsistent in their behavior but it was nice ) They greeted him over the phone and that put an unbelieveable smile on his face. Thanks again
I am so glad to hear! =) Any step in the right direction is a start! I would definately continue to reinforce the nieces’ good behavior with lots of praise. It sounds like this may just be the beginning of a great cousin relationship. Best wishes to you and your family!
I believe invitations are supposed to be sent out 8 – 6 weeks prior to the wedding. Is this correct? When should the response cards be returned?
8 weeks is usually best. Response cards should be return 2-3 weeks before the event.
Who should pay for a renewal of vow ceremony?
The people who are renewing their vows. If this is you, congratulations!
No, once was enough for a me! LOL!
Last year we were invited to dinner by some friends we love. The husband prepared “his famous dish” for us. It was something that we did not like. Especially our daughter, but she, to our surprise, ate her entire meal. Later she told us that she was almost sick from the thought of eating the dish. They just invited us over again…and told us that they would be making the very same meal for us. They do not entertain often, and we do not want to hurt their feelings. He dish he makes is a variation of eggs Benedict, but with almost raw eggs and salmon spread…can we suggest, at least for our daughter, who does not eat eggs, that she be served something else?
Pearl,
I would accept the invite but then say that you really do not want the husband going to al the trouble of making his signatuire dish and wouldn;t something easier like pancakes be better. Say that you love the thought but that the signature dish is wasted on your family as you do not appreciate it to it’s full measure and would be just as happy with something more plebian like pancakes or toast or doughnuts or whatever. And then gush a bit about how much you like their company and any other dish served.
I foresee it possibly being a little insulting to ask that this host not make their signature dish. Perhaps you could say something like “That sounds lovely, I’m afraid poor Lizzy’s stomach can’t take runny eggs, so we were wondering if we might be able to bring a breakfast casserole (or dish you all like) for everyone to enjoy in addition to Tom’s signature dish.”
Then you and your husband can try to eat around the runny egg (If that is the part you both dislike as well) and fill up on the remaining parts of the eggs benedict and your own dish.
I really want to send my former husband a birthday card. I’m not sure what to say due to the situation he was diagnosed with CA and isn’t real healthy. It is terminal unfornuately. I’m not looking to rekindle anything but I’m looking for the proper words for a card.
we have been divorced for 8 years and have two adult children ages 30 and 31. Please help
How about “Happy Birthday!! I hope it is a great one!”
No need to say anything about death or it may be your last ect. Just say simply happy birthday.
Wasn’t sure where to direct this question, but I would love to know if there’s an Emily Post iPhone application? If not, I think it would be something really great for the Emily Post Institute to consider. It would be so handy! Thank you!
Every Q&A pertaining to second marriage deals with divorce. I was married to my first husband 38 years and did not expect to fall in love again, but I did to a wonderful man who was married to his wife for 34 years. We are not falling apart at the seams, are in good health, live active lifestyles, have careers. While I find my fiance very sexy, I find a lot of younger women do, too. I’m going to assume that since he picked me, he finds me not too unappealing either.
Now, for my question. Not divorced, how do you word the invitation? We have grown children, parents, etc., but we’re going to foot the bill for the wedding. I was fortunate to be married once to the most wonderful man and do not want to slight him. We don’t have to get married, we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together.
Emily Post has some great examples here of how to word an invitation where the bride and groom host. If you are uncomfortable slighting your former husband (not that I believe it would be a slight), use the last name you gained when you married him as your last name on the invitation. I wish you many more happy years with another wonderful man.
One option would be the invite that goes
Bridefirst bridemiddle
Daughter of
Mother and father of bride
and
Groom first groom middle groom last
Son of
Mother and father of groom
Cordially invite you to witness
their marriage
on date
at venue
This avoids the brides last name thus avoiding your difficulty with your last name.
Is it acceptable to wear a black dress to a daytime (2:00) wedding?
Black dresses are appropriate for funerals (or other mourning rituals) and cocktail parties. The daytime wedding commands a less somber color. Perhaps a lavender, blue, beige or pale grey dress/pantsuit?
Generally one avoids wearing white, ivory, black or bright red to weddings. Black has become increasingly common on evening weddings. A 2pm wedding is not an evening wedding nor is black ( which implies that you are sad about the marriage of the couple) generally wedding appropriate. 2pm is still mid afternoon pick your favorite color and wear a dress in that color. ( My go to afternoon wedding dress is green)
Is it acceptable to wear a black dress to an afternoon/daytime (2:00) wedding?
How would I word on the bridal shower invitations that we are requesting donations to buy furniture??? I know you can’t say cash but there has to be some type of wording.
Thanks,
Tiffany
Tiffany, there is no suitable wording at all for this purpose. If a guest inquires of someone, they can say you are saving to buy furniture and money for that would be appreciated. Don’t try to put anything regarding gifts on or with invitations, or you’ll end up on the faux pas hotseat, and we know that isn’t the kind of perch you have in mind.
My questions is, how do you let your neighbor know you would like to help them out by donating $100 or $200 to help them buy food, etc. without insulting them?
I’m not sure this answers the question exactly but if I was worried about my neighbors being able to buy food I would ask them to help me out with something and then the next day put a thank you note for their help and inside the thank you note I would put a gift card for the local grocery store. That way they will not be sure how much it is until they take it to the store and there is at least the pretense that it is just a thank you gift which would moolify the pride a smidge.
Devious admitedly but that is what I would do.
Or, you could just send it anonymously. The problem with approaching them directly is the potential to make them feel embarrassed or humiliated about their circumstances. They may have too much pride to accept such a gift. An anonymous gift can help them keep their self-esteem in a difficult time.
Yeah do this Elizabeth has the better idea.
As a few more options:
1) If you are able, you may want to bring over some fruits/veggies/herbs/bread/lasagna that you have grown or baked yourself. It is never insulting to receive a gift such as that, and would probably be greatly appreciated.
2) If you are the type of person/family who buys in bulk you could always give them a few of the extra cans or items that come in the package insisting that it was such a great deal, but your family could never eat/use that many.
2) If you are close, you may also choose to invite them over for dinner once and while.
Just a few more suggestions
Thank you all for the great suggestions. I have actually thought of sending a gift card anonymously. My husband was actually thinking to let them borrow money and repay us when they get back on their feet. I would personally feel uncomfortable to take it and repay it.
My mother in law was invited to a wedding in NYC.. She is coming from New Jersey. This wedding is a very expensive wedding. She called to find out if the bride and grrom supplied parking. They aren’t… The nearest parking lot is 2 blocks away… Do you think a Bride and Groom should supply parking for a New York City wedding… She is so upset she has to walk in her dress 3 blocks away.. What are your thoughts?
As someone who lived in both NYC and Jersey (Summit, if anyone is asking), I can tell you that I am extremely jealous that your mother-in-law only has to walk two or three blocks in city to reach the venue of the wedding. I’m not joking – it sounds like such a great deal. The reason I think the Bride and Groom are off the hook for parking at their wedding is because many of the guests won’t take cars. Most people in NYC (even some of my friends in Queens) don’t drive at all, and don’t even have cars. They take subways/trains/taxis where ever they need to go. In addition, renting a parking facility in the city could be prohibitively expensive – if it’s even allowed. As you know, parking can $20/hr and up, unless there’s a street spot available.
Fortunately, there are trains, ferries and the PATH system available from Jersey – has your mother considered a park and ride? It may be cheaper for her. If walking is the issue, then perhaps a cab?
I recently was invited to a wedding in which I have been invited to the dance only, not the wedding. My son is best friends with the brides brother and we have known the family for over 15 years. Frankly when I got the invitation what it stated to me was we’re too cheap to invite you to the wedding or feed you at the reception but please come to the dance and by the way bring a gift. I am extremely insulted. Do you go and if so do you need to give them anything in the way of a gift or money and is $20 or less being too cheap. thanks for the advice.
I’ve always heard that if a wedding invitation is received, then one must give a gift. In your case, it sounds as if no wedding invitation was received, so you don’t have to give anything except your good wishes for their future.
You go only if you want to and you can be happy about the dance only portion of the invite. I agree it is not ideal but RSVP yes only if this is something you can get past. RSVP NO if you can not get beyond the half invite. If you attend give a gift. as always gifts should be in keeping with your budget, your closeness to the couple, and your joy at the event.
I have always followed this rule:
“The person who arrives is greeted and the one who leaves says goodbye”
I am right? Would appreciate your clarification.
This note is for Daniel Post Senning. I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed the article you wrote in the Costco Connection magazine concerning the obligations of sending a thank you note. I agree with you totally. I will be 60 in Feb and have been called old fashioned, but the way you described a handwritten note as “a treasure in a sealed packet, full of promise and potential” and a “visceral reminder of someone far away” gave me a warm spot in my heart. My mother always taught me to send a handwritten note and it does my heart good to know it is still the best way to say thank you. Sincerely, Valarie Brownewell
My daughter is remarrying her ex husband. I want to make sure of the dos and don’ts of this special ocassion….again. We are planning a small event at our church. Can you give me some direction please? Lori-Mother of the Bride
What are you wondering about?
It is a second wedding so traditionally smaller. This is expecially so for the second wedding of the exact same couple.
No bridal showers as the guests who would normally would have attended a bridal shower have already done so once for this couple. Pleaple are under no obligation to give wedding gifts even if they attend the wedding as they have already done so once for this couple. Large bridal parties are not done. Bachlorette and Bachlor parties are a smidge hipocritical as well. Religious traditions vary by religion.
Beyond this the bride and groom are welcome to have a lovely wedding and a lovely reception with whatever flourishes they can afford and would like.
Best wishes to them on their remarriage.
One of my good friends daughter is getting married. We have been friends for 20+ years. My friend told me that her daughter did not want her inviting her friends that she was not close to. I am not close to her daughter although I know her and the whole family and of course hear all about her through her mom . The daughter wants more of her friends. She asked me what I thought, knowing I would probably not be invited. I told her it didn’t feel good but I would not be devastated. I also said I believe the wedding is a special day for her as well and that she should be able to share it with special people in her life too. My friend is paying for a significant portion of the wedding. It seems a little selfish on the part of the daughter. What do you think?
Of course the wedding should be about the bride and the groom and those whom are close to the bride and groom.If in 20 years of friendship with the mother of the bride you have not developed a close relationship with the bride you are unlikely to do so between now and the wedding. The mother of the bride will also be surrounded by her family (which are also the brides family) and those friends whom have forged a relationship with the bride over the years. the ettiquette lapses I see are 1. The mother of the bride discussing the party extensivbely with someone whom is not invited. 2. You making the mother of the bride feel guilty for not inviting you when you are not closely tied to her daughter the bride.
Yes the wedding is a big deal to the mother of the bride but the wedding is about the bride and groom and thus the mother of the bride should be celbrating with her friends and family who are close to the bride as well as her new in laws in the form of the grooms family .
I agree with Alicia. To put it simply; regardless of who is paying, a wedding is a celebration for the couple and their relationship. There is absolutely nothing selfish about the couple wanting a level of intimacy on this most special day of their lives.
Even though I’ve agreed to invite a couple of my mom’s friends (whom I’ve not met) to our wedding this summer, it is still slightly uncomfortable for me. Here are the reasons why: On my wedding day I want to feel relaxed and surrounded by my closest loved ones, not worrying about trying to remember names and faces of my own guests. I’m guessing my mom will be stressed out enough as it is without feeling the need to “entertain” or converse exclusively with these friends who won’t know anyone else at the wedding. And though my parents are paying for a portion of the wedding, my fiance and I are paying for other portions and adding guests does put a strain on our budget. Lastly I feel completely uncomfortable accepting a wedding gift from someone I’ve never met.
Though I can certainly understand your desire to share in this special day with your friend, it is a celebration of the bride and her groom, not the bride’s mother and her friends. If you would like a chance to get to know your friend’s daughter more, perhaps you can throw a congratulations luncheon after the wedding? That would be a lovely gesture.
I do like the manner in which you have framed this situation plus it does indeed offer me personally some fodder for consideration. Nevertheless, through everything that I have seen, I simply just trust as the actual feed-back pack on that people today continue to be on issue and not embark on a soap box involving some other news du jour. Anyway, thank you for this superb piece and even though I do not necessarily concur with the idea in totality, I value your standpoint.