Q: I am working on a project to define proper etiquette for urban use of technology as to not disturb others around you, yet maintain proper social behavior. What are your suggestions towards proper etiquette when using smart phones, PDAs, cell phones, MP3 players, game systems and others in the public and very urban environment?

A: The technologies you describe can be demons in two ways: either they disturb the public “peace” or they interrupt social interactions.

In an urban or social environment, it is important for people to be respectful of each other’s space and privacy. For example, no one would think of picking up a telephone in the middle of a crowded space and having a very loud conversation about one’s private life. The phone booth was brilliant – it made the technology and convenience of the telephone available publicly, but provided the caller with a private, enclosed space in which to use it.

Well, cell phones don’t have a phone booth equivalent. However, they do have many features that help make the cell phone less of an imposition on others. Using the vibrate mode and voicemail are one way to “tame” the technology when in a public space. Check messages and make calls privately. Make sure that you use a normal voice tone – people tend to speak louder when using cell phones.

The MP3 player may not disturb the public peace – unless the listener is singing along at the top of his voice – but it does pose a safety hazard. If the volume is turned up, the listener can’t hear other environmental sounds – such as warning sounds – horn beeps, a warning shout, sirens.

PDA’s, pagers and smart phones are more of a distraction and an interruption. Some people are constantly checking for messages, sending messages. That’s fine when you are on your own, but it is not considerate to be sending and receiving messages when in a meeting or when having a conversation with someone, just as you shouldn’t answer your cell phone if you are in the middle of a conversation.

Our philosophy is that etiquette is based on kindness, consideration, honesty and respect. When we apply these principles to our actions, we will generally choose to do the considerate thing. Right now our society is somewhat in thrall to these electronic devices. We need to learn to be masters of the technology – using it appropriately and considerately.

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Q: I’m the best man at my friend’s wedding and just got back from a bachelor party which I threw. What else do I need to do before the wedding next weekend? Is there a summary for best men?

A: The responsibilities of the groom’s honor attendant include serving as his official witness and signing the requisite papers, and keeping a checklist with or for him of the things that need to be done. If there is a head usher, and he is responsible, he can take care of making sure all the ushers have their attire and have transportation to be where they have to be on time. If there isn’t, this might be one of your jobs. You make sure the groom has all his attire together, safeguard the wedding ring, and serve as his best friend.

If the wedding is later in the day, you might make sure the groom has company and that he eats something, that his bags are packed and transportation arranged for his honeymoon, if he is taking one right after the wedding. At the reception you would be sure that he has something to eat and drink. Usually, the groom’s best man is the one who proposes the toast at the reception, so you would prepare a toast, and talk with the bride’s mother and the club manager or whomever is in charge about when you will give your toast, working it out with the DJ or band leader if there are either, to call everyone to attention while you propose your toast. Before your toast, you would read any messages that have been delivered. You might also be asked to introduce the clergyperson who would offer a blessing.

You would help the groom get ready to leave if he is changing before he leaves the reception, and then you would take charge of his wedding clothing, returning it for him if it is rented. There may be other things that the groom needs assistance with, so you should have a conversation with him a few days before the wedding to discuss his needs or expectations.

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Q: My daughter has been invited to an out of town graduation ceremony. The fellow’s parents are friends of our friends and our children met casually as a result of this. His parents are driving my daughter to the resort, which is about five hours away from our home. They are staying for three nights. During the stay, they will inevitably be going out for meals. What is the appropriate way for my daughter to handle the bills at the restaurants?

A: Traditionally the parents who are hosting your daughter’s stay should pay for her meal expenses. If she feels comfortable in stating ahead of time that she would like to pay for her own meal, the waitstaff can make up a separate bill for her expenses for her to pay separately.

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Q: We have a new manager in my department that is attempting to bring back together a 12 person team that had lost its cohesiveness and concept of a ‘team’ effort during the 2-year reign of an incompetent manager that was terminated a few months ago.

In the attempt to restore friendship amongst team members, the new manager is inviting team members out on a ‘casual’ basis to happy hours at a nearby bar after work one night per week.

I’m not a large drinker and don’t want to be perceived as a party-pooper but I prefer not to interact with my co-workers on a social level. I don’t particularly dislike my co-workers but I don’t particularly care for them either.

Most of them are single and do not have children so they are free for these after-hours outings. If I were coming home to a husband and/or children it might be easier to make excuses, but my husband works second shift and my co-workers all know I’m otherwise coming home to an empty house.

How do I politely decline the weekly invitations to these happy hour outings and still retain the appearance of a team player?

A: Your best course of action is to simply talk to your manager privately, and tell him/her that while you are very enthusiastic about the idea of team-building within your department, you don’t feel comfortable in the bar atmosphere. You should use the utmost tact and diplomacy in your discussion, and take care not to offend your manager in his/her admirable efforts to boost team morale.

While I can’t specifically comment on ways in which you can dedicate yourself to being a team player during work hours, I can suggest that you base your solution on the underlying principles of etiquette: respect for others and yourself, honesty in your examination of the problem and in your communications, and consideration of and kindness towards others.

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Q: Can you tell me the reasoning behind a man taking his hat off, for example, when he meets someone or taking it off when in a restaurant? Today I noticed that neither are done and wonder if the rules of etiquette have changed on this.

A: Basically, hats are removed when going indoors as a measure of respect. Therefore, caps and hats should be removed when entering a home (which includes while eating at the table), when entering a place of religion, or when going to a restaurant (a sign of respect toward the other diners at the restaurant). When entering a store or other public area like a train station, the hat or cap may remain on. This applies to baseball caps worn by men or by women. Hats and caps are always removed for the Pledge of Allegiance or the National Anthem.

Women’s hats that are part of their ensembles and therefore fashion accessories may be worn indoors, including at a restaurant table, etc. If they are large-brimmed, they should be removed in a theater or other place where they block the vision of the person behind. Aside from garden parties and formal teas where hats are often left on, women generally remove their hats when dining in someone’s home. The guidelines for the wearing of hats by men and women is still an important part of our manners today.

Hat traditions and manners may have originated in medieval times when knights lifted their face guard to show who they were, or in the days of the cowboys when a hat was lifted and removed to show there was no weapon hidden underneath. It became a sign of respect to others that has always remained.

Welcome to the Etiquette Daily

This open thread is your space to use as you like. We invite you to discuss current and traditional etiquette. Feel free to ask questions of each other and the community moderators here.