A: Yes, a shower and a wedding are two separate events. Since you hosted the shower, you were not obligated to give her a gift. Hosting the shower would be considered a gift in itself. However, an invitation to wedding requires a gift whether or not you attend.

A: The decision is yours:  Think about which person you’re closer to.  If you choose your friend, reach out to your family immediately (and in person, if possible) to minimize hurt feelings, and try to set up another time to see the couple.  But whichever invitation you decline, send a note of thanks with an explanation and be sure to RSVP promptly to both.

A: No.  Those who gave gifts the first time have no obligation to give again.  But some family and friends of a remarrying bride or groom give anyway, simply because they want to celebrate the couple’s happiness.  Before you do anything, check in with other family members:  Many remarrying couples forgo gifts entirely.  If that’s the case, your cousin should let people know by word of mouth, since any mention of gifts on the invitation is an etiquette faux pas.

A: Guest lists for destination weddings are always tricky.  First, get the word out early to your top 30.  Consider just phoning people; some may tell you on the spot whether they can make it.  Mail invitations at least eight weeks before the wedding and ask for responses within two weeks (less time than usual but people will understand).  As the regrets come in, start inviting your second tier-as long as it’s six weeks before the big date, so no one should be offended.

A: Take your gift-giving cue from your niece and her parents.  If the couple is definitely waiting for the groom’s return for their big celebration, you can hold off on the gift.  However, if the larger wedding is a vague “maybe,” go ahead and send the present.  Either way is fine.  If you decide to wait, send the couple a personal note now, offering your warmest wishes.  Plus, suggest a fun get-together with your niece; she’ll probably appreciate the attention while her husband is abroad.

A: No.  Firing your future sister-in-law is out of the question.  But you can make it easy for her to quit.  Tell her you sense she’s unable to give you the time and help, and if she’d like to back out, you won’t be angry.  Should she opt for the escape hatch, emphasize that there are no ill feelings, then move on with another maid of honor.  But if she says she wants to take part in the wedding plans, start afresh.  Maybe this talk, even though it’s bound to be awkward, will bring you closer.

A: Don’t worry.  What you did is absolutely correct, given that your parents are the hosts.  Henry’s folks may have seen invitations issued jointly by two sets of parents, perhaps because both sides are paying or because there are stepparents involved.  Whatever their reason for being upset, all you need to do in response is be especially thoughtful of them in the months to come.

Q: My daughter wants a small wedding, so she didn’t invite any children.  But a few RSVP’s have arrived with kids’ names written in.  How can we tell parents to leave little ones at home?

A: An adults-only wedding is definitely the bride and groom’s prerogative.  Though parents may disagree, it’s impolite to add a child to the guest list.  So how do you stand firm?  Call the RSVPers and say you’re delighted they can make it, but they’ll need to make other arrangements for their kids.  If many out-of-towners are attending, perhaps you could hire a baby sitter.  But regardless of what you do, it’s important not to make any exceptions because parents who do comply will be upset if they see a fellow guest’s children running around.