Q: What is the proper way to wear your wedding rings – I have my engagement ring on first and then my band – but I have noticed most people wear it just the opposite the band is on first and then the engagement ring? Is is okay to wear either way?

A: Just before the ceremony, the bride switches her engagement ring from her left hand to her right. At the ceremony, the wedding band is placed by on the bride’s left hand. After the ceremony, the engagement ring is returned to the bride’s left hand on top of the wedding band. Therefore, it is considered more appropriate to wear the engagement ring on “top” of the wedding band. However, it is still your choice as to the order of your rings.

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Q: I recently received an invitation to my cousin (Tom)’s wedding. Tom and I are first cousins, although we are not particularly close. We spent time together as kids when our families all lived in NJ together, but we now live in different states. I have seen him only once or twice in the past 20 years. I will not be able to attend Tom’s wedding and I know the etiquette is to send a gift anyway. However, Tom was invited to my wedding 5 years ago, and he did not attend. He also did not send a gift or even a card. He has also never sent a card of congratulations for the birth of either of my two children. I have been angry about his rudeness, and I wonder now if the obligation to send a wedding gift still applies.

A: It is expected that a gift be sent in response to a wedding invitation, whether you attend or not. However, if your sense is that Tom doesn’t recognize or realize this and wish to respond in kind, that is certainly your choice. An alternative might be to send a card of best wishes. You can hope that now that he is marrying he will pay more attention to family matters and be more involved. Sometimes people just don’t “get it” until they experience something themselves. It may seem late in the game, but if it would be nice to resume a closer relationship you wouldn’t want to be the one to cut it off before there is a chance to see if that can happen.

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Q: We received an invitation to an out of town wedding that included our child’s name, but the reception card says ‘Adults Only.’ What is the appropriate way to handle this situation?

A: Many brides who elect to have adults only weddings never think about the impossibility of parents from out of town being able to bring a child to the ceremony and then have any sort of responsible child care for them. It is of course impossible for you to arrange for this, not knowing anyone you could hire as a child caregiver. When the child is in the wedding party and then excluded from the majority of the reception, you are in the same bind with no one who can assume responsibility for your child. If this is the case and it is simply impossible, you will have to send your regrets, even if the child is being counted on as an attendant. You apparently didn’t know he/she would be excluded or you might not have accepted the invitation for her/him to be in the wedding. The alternative is to tell the bride that you can’t be there unless she can screen and vet a responsible babysitter who can take care of your child for you can hardly leave a child alone in a hotel room!

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Q: What are the responsibilities of the mother of the groom in planning a wedding?

A: If the bride’s parents or the couple is paying for the wedding and reception, traditionally the mother of the groom and the grooms family are responsible for purchasing her dress and planning the rehearsal dinner.  Of course, depending on the circumstances, she may offer to help out in other areas but isn’t obligated to do so.

However, below is a list of the traditional expenses for the groom and/or his family, which may be helpful.

• Bride’s engagement and wedding rings
• Groom’s gift to his bride
• Groom’s gifts to his groom’s attendants
• Marriage license fee
• Officiant’s fee or donation
• All costs of the rehearsal dinner
• Expenses of the honeymoon
• Ties and gloves for groom’s attendants, if not part of their clothing rental package
• Flowers:
  • Bride’s bouquet (only in those regions where it is a local custom for the groom to pay for it)
  • Boutonnieres for groom’s attendants
  • Bride’s going away corsage
  • Corsages for immediate family members, unless the bride has included them in her floral order
• Lodging and transportation for:
  • Officiant, if from out of town and invited to officiate by the groom’s family
  • Groom’s immediate family
  • Groom’s attendants
• Transportation for groom and best man to the ceremony and reception site
• Bachelor dinner, if the groom wishes to host one

It should be noted that these are traditional expenses — not written in granite. Any number of arrangements can be made, and often the bride and groom cover a great deal of their own wedding expenses these days. Open and continuous communication about wedding responsibilities will go far in easing tensions throughout the entire process.

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Wedding planning can be a lot of fun. The wedding etiquette begins right after you get that beautiful

Diamond Engagement Ring

Q: I sent an e-mail to friends requesting their addresses for my daughter’s wedding invitations, but she wants to cut a few of them from the guest list.  Do I disinvite them?

A: No.  There’s not a polite way to disinvite someone to a wedding.  Talk to your daughter about why she needs to make the cuts.  If it’s financial, offer to cover the expense of accommodating your friends.  Few wedding-planning tasks are more stressful than negotiating the size of the guest list.  That’s why it’s best to wait to talk to family and friends until the details are final.  Remember that some invitees will decline the invitation, creating wiggle room on the final guest list.

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Q: What is an appropriate gift for a soon to be bride to give her groom and vice versa?

A: Common gifts are a watch, a personal organizer, or a book which may be engraved with the date of the wedding.  It is also not unusual for the couple to buy themselves gifts for their new life together – matching mountain bikes, for example, or a hammock for the backyard.

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Q: I’m going to a wedding shower for my friend’s daughter, who has a gift registry.  But I had another present in mind.  Should I buy her what I want to give or choose something from the registry?

A: There are benefits to registries.  They help couples suggest gift ideas, avoid duplicate gifts, and simplify gift giving for their guests.  However, selecting your own gift is perfectly fine – often the most memorable gifts are those that guests select themselves.  So if you’ve chosen a gift you think the bride will enjoy, go ahead and give it.  The surprise of your gift adds to the fun.

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Q: Yesterday we received a wedding invitation from my friend from high school. On the RSVP we have to check either a chicken or steak entrée, but my husband and I are both vegetarians. Do I write on the RSVP that we are vegetarians and ask if a vegetarian option is available? I’m sure they would honor our request, I just don’t know if our request is rude.

A: How nice of you to show such concern about the appropriate response to your friend’s wedding invitation. It may be best for you and your husband to select from the two options provided, and then, at the reception, quietly ask your server whether there is a vegetarian option, or if you could have your dinner with extra vegetables and no meat. If not, be gracious in accepting the meal you ordered and eat what you can. It seems the most important thing in this case is to avoid causing stress prior to or on the day of the wedding. The bride’s and groom’s chosen menu is clear, and it would be best to order from it.

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Q: I recently heard that the “one-year-to-send-a-wedding-gift” rule is a total myth.  Is this true?

A: Although “better late than never” still holds true, it’s a myth that you have a year.  Within three months is ideal.  Gift giving is a happy tradition that rides the wave of the wedding excitement.  Whatever you send- something off their registry, that heart-shaped waffle iron, or a simple picture frame- is better sent sooner rather than later.

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