Q: We just recently purchased a new home. It has hardwood entry/kitchen and carpet throughout. Is it rude to ask people to remove their shoes when coming into the house? We have place a chair on the front porch to assist those when removing their shoes. We both find it very comfortable to make the request and have actually received some negative responses from ‘guests’ and some have pushed the issue. We feel very torn with a small discreet ‘sign’ making the request (we still have construction people returning who actually are the most compliant). I want to keep my home clean and protect the flooring as long as possible. I have actually declined on hosting a housewarming party because we don’t want some high heel shoes marring up the flooring. How do we handle this?

A: Well, it is your home, and if you don’t want guests to wear shoes, it is your choice. However, it is most thoughtful to tell invited guests that this is your rule so that they bring slippers or indoor shoes with them. No one likes, at all, being told to take their shoes off if they are unprepared to do so; they may have holes in their socks, or runs in their stockings, or feel they have a foot odor problem; and you might put them in an embarrassing situation. If the visitors are drop-in guests, it is thoughtful to have several pairs of disposable, paper slippers by the door so that when they remove their shoes, and may also be unprepared to do so, you have something for them to slip into.

Q: We were recently at a dinner party for six. My husband broke two pieces off the back of one of the expensive dining room chairs accidentally. He was telling a story and moved his elbows back quickly. We were all surprised. The force was not that great. We feel we owe them more than an apology. Any suggestions?

A: It would be appropriate to offer to pay to have the chair repaired or replaced. Even though the force of your husband’s elbows was not that great, he is still responsible for the damage. Of course, your hosts could decline your offer but, in all likelihood, will appreciate the gesture.

Q: At times in the supermarket, a grocery cart is blocking the aisle and its owner is usually oblivious.  In situations like this, can I move it out of my way?

A: If there’s no one in sight, gently push the cart aside enough to allow others to get by.  If the cart’s owner is contemplating the cereal selection, offer a polite, “Excuse me, do you mind if I move your cart?”  In all likelihood they will take the cue and move it themselves.

Q: I am a mother of five (17, 11, 10, 7, 1) and whenever I take my children anywhere all together people; total strangers, always ask me ‘how old I am’ or ‘are they all mine’. Both of these questions infuriate me, how should I answer?

A: It is understandable that you are insulted . Questions of this nature are both personal and none of those people’s business. Nonetheless, if you are asked these questions again, you might consider responding with something like “Why do you ask?” or with a bit of humor, “As far as I know!” You cannot control the poor etiquette of others but you can control your reaction to it. Your polite actions and levelheadedness will be an example and a reminder for others.

Q: My neighbor borrowed my air mattress last summer.  When I took it out for the holidays, I noticed a hole.  Should I ask the neighbor to replace it or say nothing?

A: The neighbor may have ruined the air bed, but unfortunately you can’t be sure, so don’t point fingers.  If you had noticed the damage when it was returned, asking for compensation would have been fine.  But in this case, you just need to write it off as a loss. Borrowing and lending between neighbors can be a source of great tensions so in the future try not to lend out anything that you cannot afford to lose.

Q: I hit a cup of coffee with my hand and it spilled it on the table and onto a friends lap. I helped to clean it up and apologized but it stained her jeans. Should I pay for the dry cleaning? Am I responsible to replace them if they are damaged? Is there anything else that I should do?

A: Yes, it would be appropriate to offer to pay to have her jeans cleaned. Since presumably you both immediately blotted up the excess liquid, her jeans should not be ruined or need to be replaced, cleaning should be adequate. If you feel comfortable, it may also to nice to reassure her that if in fact her jeans are ruined you would be happy to pay for them. But remember to only make this offer if you are comfortable following through on it. Aside from this, your help to clean up and your apologies, you shouldn’t be expected to do anything more.

Q: When are standing ovations a proper expression of appreciation? Are they meant to express appreciation for the musical composition itself or for the musicians performance of it? Standing ovations seem to have become the norm at recitals and chamber music performances, etc. and no longer seem to be reserved for truly exceptional performances.

A: When audiences are moved by a performance, they applaud it, often rising to their feet to show their true appreciation. You would have to interview each to find out what he or she is applauding. Usually, it is for the performance of the music, although compelling music, when performed well, is part of the appreciation. There is no accounting for what an audience considers exceptional, so if you are on the receiving end, simply be happy if an ovation is sent your way.

Q: How long do you have after you receive a present do you have to send a thank you note.

A: You should write promptly, especially if the gift was mailed or delivered, so the giver of the gift knows you received it — and appreciated it!  Within a week of receipt is a good guideline, two weeks at the very outside. The exception to this is a thank you note for a wedding gift when the bride and groom have up to three months to write, although as with any other thank you, sooner is better than later.

Q: If I receive a gift from someone but I haven’t gotten anything for her, do I need to run out and buy a present?

A: Don’t panic.  The most important thing is offering her your sincere thanks, and it’s fine to leave it at that.  But you can certainly get her something if you wish.  (One way to prepare for such emergencies: Keep a few wrapped items on hand during the holidays- a current best-seller, a box of fine note cards, some decorative candles.)  If you do reciprocate, you’ll likely be establishing a gift-giving tradition with your friend- so think about whether that’s something you want.

This post originally appeared at my parenting blog The Gift of Good Manners. I will be cross posting some of my favorite content from that blog here at the Etiquette Daily periodically. I hope you enjoy these posts as much as I enjoyed writing them.

Table Conversation

The art of dining includes several things: the table setting which brings order and beauty, the menu which delights the taste buds, and the conversation that brightens the day! The following tips will help your children learn the art of table conversation.

• Talk to people on both sides of you and across the table.
• Volume: Not too loud; not too soft.
• Don’t talk with your mouth full! (If it’s a problem, try putting a mirror in front of your child during a meal, so she can see how it looks.)
• The art of small talk: Suggest topics like the weather, sports, local events, school and then practice. Avoid questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Instead use who, what, where, when, and how. Here are some practice questions. Help your kids make up their own:
  1. “What did you think of the ball game last night?”
  2. “What was the sledding like after that snow storm?”
  3. “I heard you won the state spelling bee last week! That is so cool…What comes next?”
  4. “Mom says you went to Spain last summer. Can you tell me about it?”
• Avoid talking about personal family issues.

Practice at each meal this week. Who knows? Maybe you’ll learn something about your children you didn’t know. And, better yet, maybe they’ll learn something about you!

Table Manners

Practice setting a simple table setting:  fork on the left, knife and spoon on the right (knife next to the plate), glass on the right above the knife and spoon. (The kids can help with the table decorations – make holiday place cards, ask the kids to make up a seating plan, create a special holiday centerpiece – not so high you can’t see over it!)

Then review the basics and practice, practice, practice:

1. Wash up.
2. Napkin in lap.
3. Wait until all are served or the hostess begins to eat.
4. Please and thank you.
5. Hold utensils properly.
6. Chew with your mouth closed.
7. Offer to help clear.
8. Thank you to the cook!