Q: We just recently purchased a new home. It has hardwood entry/kitchen and carpet throughout. Is it rude to ask people to remove their shoes when coming into the house? We have place a chair on the front porch to assist those when removing their shoes. We both find it very comfortable to make the request and have actually received some negative responses from ‘guests’ and some have pushed the issue. We feel very torn with a small discreet ‘sign’ making the request (we still have construction people returning who actually are the most compliant). I want to keep my home clean and protect the flooring as long as possible. I have actually declined on hosting a housewarming party because we don’t want some high heel shoes marring up the flooring. How do we handle this?

A: Well, it is your home, and if you don’t want guests to wear shoes, it is your choice. However, it is most thoughtful to tell invited guests that this is your rule so that they bring slippers or indoor shoes with them. No one likes, at all, being told to take their shoes off if they are unprepared to do so; they may have holes in their socks, or runs in their stockings, or feel they have a foot odor problem; and you might put them in an embarrassing situation. If the visitors are drop-in guests, it is thoughtful to have several pairs of disposable, paper slippers by the door so that when they remove their shoes, and may also be unprepared to do so, you have something for them to slip into.

This is a family favorite. We use it on Shrimp, Chicken, Pork Tenderloin and Steak. It goes great with Sweet Potatoes, Onions, Red, Yellow and Orange Peppers, Mushrooms, Cauliflower, Asparagus and Cherry Tomatoes. Mix and match your favorites.  You can skewer your meats and veggies for kebabs or keep them whole. The marinade is very forgiving so feel free to adjust amounts according to your taste.

The Marinade:

1 Medium to Large Yellow Onion
Juice from 1 Large Lemon
3 TBSP Curry Powder
1 TBSP Ground Ginger
1 TBSP Ground Corriander
1 tsp Kosher or Sea Salt
1 tsp Red Pepper Flakes – or to taste, leave out entirely for those who don’t like hot spice
¼ Cup Olive Oil

1. Using a Quizineart or Blender puree the onion and lemon juice together.
2. Add Curry Powder, Ground Ginger, Ground Corriander, Salt and Red Pepper Flakes and blend until thoroughly mixed.
3. You can either add the olive oil and pulse the blender once or twice to mix, or pour the onion, lemon and spice mix into a bowl and mix with a whisk or spoon. You DO NOT want to emulsify the mixture, so mix it gently.
4. Save a small amount of the marinade for brushing on while grilling. Use the rest on your meat, fish or poultry of choice with your favorite grilling vegetables.

NOTE: When you make this recipe with chicken, onions and peppers it can easily be turned into a GREAT curry chicken salad. Here’s how: Combine your already marinated and grilled chicken, peppers and onions into a large Tupperware container or bowl. Mix in 1 TBSP of Mayonnaise, 2 TBSP Sour Cream. I also add sliced almonds and Craisins. Increase the amount of Mayonnaise and Sour Cream as needed to keep the mixture moist.

Q: When you are invited to somebody’s home for the first time, which is most appropriate?

(1) Wait for an invitation to ‘tour’ the home.

(2) Ask to be taken on a tour of the home.

As a child, I was always taught to wait for an invitation and not invite oneself. That viewpoint has caused hurt feelings with family and friends twice this year. Am I wrong?

A: No, you’re not wrong. A guest invited to the host’s home should not expect to be given a tour of the home unless it is a housewarming party. If this is not the case, the host is under no obligation to give a tour. However, it is not unusual for a guest to compliment the host on the home. In this case, the host may simply thank the guest for the compliment and/or offer to give a tour of the home or to mention any renovations, redecorating, etc. that has been done.

Q: I’m holding a surprise birthday dinner next month for my husband at our favorite restaurant.  I invited three other couples — am I expected to foot the entire bill, or is it OK to ask everyone to split it?

A: When you’re the host, you pay the bill.  Since you’ve already invited the others to this birthday party, expect to pick up the tab for this.  Next time, try this: “Hi, Erik.  Would you and Jess like to meet us at Delicious Restaurant on Saturday night?  The Hillards are joining us, too.”  This way, it will be clear that you’re the coordinator, not the host, and each couple will expect to pay for their own meals.

Q: I invited my son’s girlfriend for Christmas.  They’re seniors in college and practically live together- but I want them in separate rooms.  What’s the best way to communicate this?

A: Talk about the sleeping arrangements before their visit.  Simply say, “We’re planning to have Sheila stay in the guest room.”  It’s unlikely your son’s girlfriend will want to make you feel uncomfortable in any way.  If he thinks you’re being unfair or old-fashioned, so be it- your house, your rules.

This post originally appeared at my parenting blog The Gift of Good Manners. I will be cross posting some of my favorite content from that blog here at the Etiquette Daily periodically. I hope you enjoy these posts as much as I enjoyed writing them.

Table Conversation

The art of dining includes several things: the table setting which brings order and beauty, the menu which delights the taste buds, and the conversation that brightens the day! The following tips will help your children learn the art of table conversation.

• Talk to people on both sides of you and across the table.
• Volume: Not too loud; not too soft.
• Don’t talk with your mouth full! (If it’s a problem, try putting a mirror in front of your child during a meal, so she can see how it looks.)
• The art of small talk: Suggest topics like the weather, sports, local events, school and then practice. Avoid questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Instead use who, what, where, when, and how. Here are some practice questions. Help your kids make up their own:
  1. “What did you think of the ball game last night?”
  2. “What was the sledding like after that snow storm?”
  3. “I heard you won the state spelling bee last week! That is so cool…What comes next?”
  4. “Mom says you went to Spain last summer. Can you tell me about it?”
• Avoid talking about personal family issues.

Practice at each meal this week. Who knows? Maybe you’ll learn something about your children you didn’t know. And, better yet, maybe they’ll learn something about you!

Table Manners

Practice setting a simple table setting:  fork on the left, knife and spoon on the right (knife next to the plate), glass on the right above the knife and spoon. (The kids can help with the table decorations – make holiday place cards, ask the kids to make up a seating plan, create a special holiday centerpiece – not so high you can’t see over it!)

Then review the basics and practice, practice, practice:

1. Wash up.
2. Napkin in lap.
3. Wait until all are served or the hostess begins to eat.
4. Please and thank you.
5. Hold utensils properly.
6. Chew with your mouth closed.
7. Offer to help clear.
8. Thank you to the cook!

This post originally appeared at my parenting blog The Gift of Good Manners. I will be cross posting some of my favorite content from that blog here at the Etiquette Daily periodically. I hope you enjoy these posts as much as I enjoyed writing them.

While celebrating Thanksgiving two weeks ago someone asked what to do when a someone brings an unexpected guest to a Holiday Dinner. Do you tell them there’s not enough? Do you always cook an extra portion or two just in case…? Do you serve skimpy portions to everyone? This dilemma is the source of the famous FHB. Never heard of it? Family Hold Back. That’s what we always did. If at any time for any reason, our mother realized we might be  a little short of food for the big meal. It might be just one item on the menu or the whole thing. In either case she would whisper, “This is an FHB moment for the beans (or whatever is short).” We knew that meant we were to take skimpy or no portion at all until ALL the guests (invited or otherwise) were served.

Many families practice the FHB tradition. However, this past Thanksgiving I learned a new one. We were sitting at our shared lunch table at The Emily Post Institute talking about these matters when someone mentioned the “No Thank You” portion. “What is that?” I asked! I always tell parents and kids that if there is a food they don’t like being served, they do not have to eat it. There is no manners rule in the world that says you HAVE to eat something that makes you gag. However, I do tell them they should at least try it. Who knows -  maybe the chef has found a way to make that particular food delicious. That’s what the “No Thank You” portion is all about. You put just a taste of the item that is not so appealing on your plate rather than saying “No thank you.” Whether it’s a food you’ve never tried or it’s a food you haven’t liked in the past, this gives you the option to try it and at the same time shows respect for the person who has taken time to prepare it. It’s much better than just saying, “No, thank you,” unless, of course, you have a food allergy – then you don’t even want to take that taste and a simple verbal “no, thank you” is just perfect.

I hope you all are having lovely holiday dinners without a need to FHB and finding that the “No Thank You” portion is leading to the discovery of new tastes that will enlarge the number of foods you can enjoy at holiday and all other meals. Yum!

Q: I am having a dinner party and am trying to find out the proper placement of my china, silver, and crystal.

A: Dinner plate:  This is the “hub of the wheel” and usually the first thing to be on the table.
Two forks:  The forks are placed to the left of the plate.  The dinner fork is used for the main course, the smaller fork for a salad or appetizer.  Because at an informal meal the salad is usually served first, the small fork is placed on the outside at the left.
Napkin: The napkin is folded or put in a napkin ring and placed either to the left of the forks or in the center of the dinner plate.  (A folded napkin is also sometimes placed under the forks, though this makes diners go to the trouble of removing the forks before opening their napkins.
Knife:  The dinner knife is set immediately to the right of the plate, cutting edge facing inward.  (If the main course is meat, a steak knife can take the place of a dinner knife.)  The dinner knife could also be used for a first-course dish.
Spoons:  Spoons go to the right of the knife.  A soup spoon (used first) goes farthest to the right, and a teaspoon (and sometimes a dessertspoon) between the  soup spoon and knife.
Glasses: Drinking glasses of any kind – wine, water, juice, iced tea  – are placed at the top right of the dinner plate, the water glass above the knife, and the wine glass directly to the right of the water glass.

Other dishes and utensils are optional, depending on what is being served:
Salad plate:  This is placed to the left of the forks.  If the salad is to be eaten with the meal rather than before or after, you can forgo this plate and serve salad directly on the dinner plate.  However, if the entrée contains gravy or other runny ingredients, a separate plate for the salad will keep things neater.
Bread plate with butter knife:  If used, the bread plate goes above the forks, with the butter knife resting on the edge.
Dessert spoon and fork:  These can be place either horizontally above the dinner plate (the spoon at the top and its handle to the right; the fork below and its handle to the left) or beside the plate.  If placed beside the plate, the fork goes on the left-hand side, closest to the plate; the spoon goes on the right-hand side of the plate, to the left of the soupspoon.
Coffee cup and saucer:  If coffee is to be served during the meal, the cup and saucer go just above and slightly to the right of the knife and spoons.  If it is served after dinner, the cups and saucers are brought to the table and placed in the same spot.

Another rule of thumb – silverware is organized so that the utensils you use first are on the outside and the diner works his way in towards the plate. The first course will use silverware farthest from the dinner plate, while the last course will utilize the silverware closest. So, if your salad was to be served AFTER the main course, the dinner fork would be on the outside (to be used first) and the salad fork would be next to the dinner plate.

Q: We’ve been invited to several holiday parties this year.  Is it okay to “double-book”?

A: This is one of those times when it’s fine to double-book and go from one holiday party to another.  The casual, drop-in nature of most holiday parties makes this okay.  Just be sure you do each event justice — a lightning quick drop by simply doesn’t cut it.  And don’t double book when you’ve been invited to a dinner party or a small gathering with a set time to arrive and a limited number of guests.

Q:We are invited to a holiday party. The invitations were sent out by email.  In the invitation/email , it states that the couple hosting the party would like all guests to bring specific items – such as specific food – and all liquor. They even state that the liquor and food are to picked up at a certain store.
Should this couple request everyone furnish their holiday party – especially telling people to pick up ‘cases’ of alcohol and lots of food (the store mentioned only sells BULK items)? It seems like the only thing they are handling is ‘having it at their home’ – everything else will be supplied.

Is this correct etiquette to request this of your guests?

A: No, it isn’t.  The couple issuing the invitations are the party’s hosts.  As such, they are expected to provide all food and beverages.  It would be fine for them to host a potluck dinner where guests are expected to provide a dish and also their preference in beverages aside from basic non-alcoholic beverages (such as water, soda, juice, coffee, and/or tea, etc.).  The hosts may even requested a certain type of dish such as an appetizer, salad, dessert, etc. but nothing more specific than that. However, it would be inappropriate for the hosts to specify where the food and/or beverages should be purchased.