There are many foods that present a classic dilemma for diners young and old. The question is, “fork or fingers?” The answer is sometimes definitive – you definitely eat your peas and mashed potatoes with a fork. That’s a no-brainer. But how about french fries? It’s a sometimes fingers/sometimes forks answer: If the food the french fries are served with is a finger food – a sandwich or a hot dog on a bun – you can eat the french fries with your fingers also. If the food is a fork food – steak or a broiled chicken cutlet, for instance – then you eat the french fries with a fork.

One other basic rule of thumb has to do with ketchup and gravy. If you’ve smothered your french fries with either, you should use a fork to eat them.

However you manage them, french fries can be pretty delicious. Enjoy!

Q: My son has been having some issues at school that we have been working on with his teacher and principal. My husband and I are very private with our son’s struggles, keeping his self esteem and what’s best for him foremost in our priorities. One of the latest ideas for him to try is to use a keyboard at school in place of writing some assignments. This has been wonderful for him, boosting self esteem while getting his work done. I stand with my neighbor at the bus stop every day. Her son is also in my son’s class. She has always been quite the gossip about other people and is nosy. I’m just waiting for the day that she asks me why my son is using a keyboard instead of writing. What response would you recommend? I don’t want to be rude but I want her to know that her question is inappropriate.

A: It is a difficult situation. However, you might say that the principal and the teacher suggested that it would be helpful for your son to use the keyboard in place of writing. If your neighbor persists and asks why, you may simply say it’s a private matter and you prefer (or see no need) to discuss it further.

From the left: sitting - Cindy and Nancy; standing - Lisa, Olivia, Staci, Heather, Suzanne, Meredith

Meet our newest “etiquette experts” heading out to teach children, parents, and teachers essential social skills necessary to building a truly civil society. At our Train the Trainers – Children’s Program at the end of March seven vibrant, committed women (I’m still waiting for the first man to come to a training) completed the Emily Post Institute’s program developed to train folks to teach etiquette classes for children. In 2009 I wrote a post celebrating a commitment to courtesy.

“Over the past two years I’ve had the distinct privilege of working with women (men could come but they haven’t) who think it’s important to teach etiquette in their communities. We call it our Children’s Etiquette Train the Trainer program and it’s one of my favorite things to do. Women from San Diego, Los Angeles, Scottsdale, Annapolis, Chicago, Hartford, Greenwich, Detroit, New Jersey, Atlanta, New Orleans, Birmingham, Orlando, Jacksonville, Dallas, Houston, Washington DC, the Bahamas, Bahrain(!) and more want to teach parents, teachers, and kids of all ages the manners that can help them get along at home, school, and in the community.”

Now it’s been another two years and I have continued to train women to teach etiquette to children and youth. We’ve added North Carolina, Virginia, New York, Missouri, Maryland, Alabama, and Tennessee to the list of states represented by our trainees. The backgrounds and motivations are as diverse as the women: teachers, social workers, counselors, parents, coaches, editors, and business people looking for a change or planning to enhance what they are already doing. My admiration for them all grows by leaps and bounds. I may have a lot to teach but equally exciting for me is what I learn. And when the training is complete, we’ve expanded the family of people committed to courtesy. I look at the pictures of the graduate trainees with pride and hope for them great success in their endeavors. For every one of them there is the potential of a gang of children and youth who will be exposed to the way of civility and graciousness.

What I said two years ago still stands!

“I want to express my appreciation to all of you who have spent your time and money to follow through on your commitment. Not only will you enrich the lives of youngsters in cities and neighborhoods across this country, but you have enriched my life. For both, I say, “Thank you!”

Q: Apparently, it has become fashionable among some groups to wear pajamas in public. An example would be ‘Pajamas Day’ at a public school. My natural inclination is to be shocked by this completely unbelievable lapse in judgment by school officials. Am I wrong?

A: Some schools believe having “theme” days promote school spirit. However, since it’s likely some students would wear inappropriate (too revealing or skimpy) pajamas, it would probably be best not to promote this particular theme. There are better ways for students to show their school spirit. Nonetheless, it would probably be best to ask the principal or another administrator for the reason for this particular theme.

Have you ever had your cell phone ring when you’re at a concert or in church? Oh my gosh – how embarrassing!

Have you ever checked to see who just sent you a text when you were in a conversation with someone at a social event? How rude could that be?

I wonder who's calling!

It is so hard to ignore the signal that you have a call or a text. Who could it be? What important message might you miss? The temptation to answer or, at least , look is great. I was talking with a friend about this very temptation and she said, “I know – that’s why I just leave my phone in the car!” What a great solution. Remove the temptation! Now if I don’t want to be interrupted or don’t want to risk forgetting to shut it off, I leave my phone in the car.

If I had teenagers at home, I could set a good example. They might get the message that the person or the event of the moment is more important than a phone call or a text message. Those will wait. That’s why we have voice mail.

So the next time you’re heading into a concert, a movie, or a social event, try leaving your phone in the car. You won’t miss it, I promise!

One of my favorite activities is talking to middle school kids about etiquette. I always start with the King Louis story, then together we think about what makes magic words magic, we usually do some sort of meet and greet etiquette, and finally I give the kids an opportunity to ask any etiquette questions they may have. Asking middle school kids if they have etiquette questions always prompts a great discussion.

The first time I ever did it was in Brooklyn with a group of fifth graders. I had done a talk about etiquette with about seventy students and then I asked if they had any questions. I did not expect them to have any (middle schoolers with etiquette questions?) so I had actually given them a series of cards with tricky situations that would provide material for this question and answer time.

When I asked for questions one little hand in the middle of the crowd went up. “My best friend’s father died a year ago and I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything. Now I feel bad. Is it too late and what should I say?” At first I was almost speechless. It was so poignant and unexpected. I was able to comfort him and told him “It’s never too late. And you can just tell him how sorry you are and that you didn’t know what to say then but you want to say something now.” He nodded his head and said he would do that.

Another middle schooler (sixth grade this time) wanted to know how she could “disinvite” someone who had accepted her invitation to her birthday party. Her best friend had said “No” and then discovered she could come after all. In the interim the girl had invited someone else who had accepted. Her mother told her she could not have more than a certain number. She wanted to “disinvite” the second girl and have her best friend come. Of course I told her she could not do that. You never “disinvite” someone who you have invited and they have accepted. I also suggested she let her best friend know and plan something special with her on another day.

Many of the questions involve relationship issues. A kid you don’t like keeps asking you over. What can you say? Someone you have been friends with doesn’t like the same things you do anymore. What should you do? You go to your friends house for dinner and don’t like the food. What should you say? The list is endless and clearly shows that kids care about these things. Once they realize this is what etiquette is about, it’s like turning on the faucet. The questions do keep coming. And if they don’t have their own, they love to use the ones I suggest. I call them So You cards:

So you… “borrowed” your sister’s sweater without asking and now you’ve spilled grape juice all over it. You would…?

So you… are caught at the dining room table with your crazy Aunt Ellie who is boring you to death. You would…?

So you … notice that the new kid in your class always sits alone at lunch. You would…?

So you … are going to visit your grandmother in the hospital. You are nervous about what you will say and do. You would…?

I have pages of these. I give them out to the kids and ask if anyone has one they would like to read. They always do. I have had the best conversations with kids using these So You cards. Come up with some on your own and engage your own kids in the discussion. For teens I just pick situations they might encounter. Sometimes there are clear answers – you never “disinvite” someone – but many don’t have a clear right or wrong answer and the conversation gets kids thinking about interactions and what you might want the outcome to look like. Try it!

Q: My daughter was invited to a birthday party and the day of the party she was sick and did not attend. Does she still give the birthday child the present?

A: Sure. It is a shame your daughter missed the party but that is no reason not to give the the gift you got for her friend.

All the recent talk about civil discourse got me thinking. Certainly improving the civil discourse in politics is so important. And bringing civil discourse to the business table will surely improve things in the business world. But how do we get there? What needs to happen in order to change the nature of our discourse – wherever it is?

I wish I had all the answers, but I don’t. However, I know one answer for sure. If we introduce our children to civil discourse at home, in our schools, and in the community, they will, be more likely to bring it to the table in their adult life.

Listen:

Mother to father: “You say the dumbest things.”

Father to son: “I was so embarrassed by that move you made in the game. What’s the matter with you anyway?”

Teacher to student: “Take this report to the office.”

No magic here – no magic words, no respect, no kindness, no civility. Those are essential ingredients to civil discourse and they change the nature of the dialogue.

Now listen:

Mother to father: “What was that you just said? I didn’t quite get it.”

Father to son: “That was an unusual move you made in the game. What were you hoping it would do?”

Teacher to student: “Please take this report to the office. Thanks.”

It’s up to us – parents. teachers, and everyone in society – to show our kids how the discourse changes with just a little extra thought. Use those “magic” words that change a demand to a request and show appreciation for a job well done. Re-frame a comment to the positive rather than the negative. Create a culture of civility and respect in the home, school, and community. I do know that’s one way we begin to improve the level of civil discourse in our country and we would all benefit.

This post originally appeared at my parenting blog The Gift of Good Manners. I will be cross posting some of my favorite content from that blog here at the Etiquette Daily periodically. I hope you enjoy these posts as much as I enjoyed writing them.

Two  years ago during the holiday season HarperCollins Children’s Video put up a video of Peggy and me talking about teaching etiquette to children.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-TOGWW0Iaw

I thought some of you might enjoy seeing it. You’ll note that the publication dates are a couple years old but all the books mentioned are still available. I hope you enjoy it.

Q: If a friend has just had a baby and you go to the hospital to see them and you have already gone to the baby shower and given a gift, do you buy something else to take to the hospital?

A: No, you don’t have to, although you might want to take flowers to the mom, or a little something for the baby. It is not expected when you already have given a gift, but you may if you would like to.