Open Thread

by epi on August 8, 2014

Welcome to the Etiquette Daily

This open thread is your space to use as you like. We invite you to discuss current and traditional etiquette. Feel free to ask questions of each other and the community moderators here.

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Marie August 8, 2014 at 8:50 am

My husband ex is a very nice person. She’s a lawyer and she helps us in many many ways. I tried to help in everything I can. However, one thing I cannot accept. We just bought a summer house and she would like to spend a few days with us. My husband agreed not me. I think it’s a lack of etiquette, manners and disrespect toward me for her to ask and for my husband to agree to it. I will continue to help her to my capabilities but I cannot accept her to stay in my house with or without me there. I do not think it’s proper. She’s his ex, they are friends but I think there should be a limit. My husband thinks I’m being petty, selfish, ingrate. I do not think so. Am I wrong?


Alicia August 8, 2014 at 8:53 am

You and your husband are a unit. He agreed to host. That obligated you to hostess or to leave them for the time and allow him to host. It is half his home too.


Elizabeth August 8, 2014 at 9:28 am

I can understand why you would not want to have your husband’s ex-wife as a vacation house guest for days at a time. I agree with Alicia that your husband’s invitation obligates you, though. One option would be to allow her to use the house for her own vacation while you two are elsewhere. That would also be a very nice “gift”. But your husband should never extend invitations like this without checking with you first, that is very disrespectful to you and your comfort level. Not many women would be comfortable with this.


Destination Bride To Be August 8, 2014 at 1:53 pm

Destination Bride To Be

Hi there! We are planning a destination wedding for next year and we both have an extremely large circle of family and friends; if we held a wedding in the US there would easily be over 500 people and we simply cannot afford that! We know many people will not be able to attend…so what would be the best way to formally invite the guests we know will definitely be able to join us? My thought was an electronic RSVP which links to the hotel for guests to make their reservations and based on the people who make their deposits for their rooms and/or book flights send formal invitations to them along with a nice destination wedding package. Otherwise it seems wasteful to send 500 invitations, response cards, and stamps for people to keep as souvenirs and or trash! We do not want to turn anyone away or make anyone feel slighted so this seems like a happy medium (come if you can and if not fear not we plan to have a big party a month or so after we come back from the honeymoon). Acceptable? *Fingers crossed* :-)


Alicia August 8, 2014 at 5:32 pm

Send the invite be it paper or electronic that you wish to invite. Expecting an rsvp before sending an invite is backwards.


Winifred Rosenburg August 9, 2014 at 12:10 am

It depends how formal your wedding will be. Evites indicate that the event is informal. If you are having a more formal wedding, paper invitations are the way to go but maybe leave out some of the extras like hotel information to cut down on the weight for people you know won’t be attending.


Elizabeth August 10, 2014 at 3:50 pm

It would be better to invite your closest friends and family (those you can reasonably expect to make it, and those you really want there) to the destination wedding, and then invite the larger group of people to the in-town party later. I find it hard to imagine having 500 close friends and family that would travel for a destination wedding, but if you really do have this kind of circle, then you should print invitations and mail them. Or, conversely, you can do the whole thing online and skip the paper invitations. But having a virtual invite then a paper invite doesn’t really make sense. People will not book flights and hotels before they receive a “real” invitation, whether its online or paper. Most invitations to destination weddings are sent out as printed mailed invitations which list the general information and have an rsvp card, and they usually direct the recipient to check out a website where the full details are listed, with the links to hotel reservations, etc. It sounds like you’ll be spending a lot of money on this wedding plus an in-town reception, so the invitations would not be the place to penny-pinch.


Theresa August 8, 2014 at 2:42 pm

My family and I just moved back to our home state after several years away. Our respective families are close in proximity, but have not invited us over nor have we seen them. Should we invite them over first or is it proper for them to have us over first?


Alicia August 8, 2014 at 5:30 pm

Whomever wishes to may invite the other.


Joyce August 11, 2014 at 2:31 pm

A group of us are contributing to a honeymoon for the new couple. People are contributing different amounts ranging from $100 to $1000. Is it correct ettiquette to identify what each person contributed or just provide the names of the contributors?


Elizabeth August 11, 2014 at 3:59 pm

Usually group gifts are given without a break-down of who gave what. However, there is such a disparity in the gift amounts, I think the bride and groom should know how the gifts amounts broke down. A $100 gift is very nice and generous, but a $1000 is a major gift and should be acknowledged as such. If you are the organizer of the gift, you could provide a discreet list to the couple. If the gift is to be given in a public way, the amounts need not be announced publicly. But the couple should know.


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