Open Thread

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This open thread is your space to use as you like. We invite you to discuss current and traditional etiquette. Feel free to ask questions of each other and the community moderators here.


  1. Holly


    I’m recently engaged with a September wedding date. My fiancé and I are planning a small outdoor ceremony and would like to have a big reception. I can’t decide how/whether to do Save the Date cards. If I do, do I get 2 cards, one with a ceremony and reception invite and one with a reception only invite? Or do I just send them to those invited to the ceremony? It’s a large group of people so it impacts costs significantly. I’m not sure what is appropriate. Thanks in advance for feedback

    • Elizabeth

      Most people who are invited to a wedding expect to be invited both to the ceremony and reception, at least in the US. Unless you have a really good reason to exclude the majority of your guests from your ceremony, I would encourage you to rethink it. Most consider the ceremony to be the most important part of the wedding, and would not feel good about being excluded from the main event.

      If you plan to go ahead with the different guests lists for each part, then I would suggest sending out a save-the-date only to those who are going to be invited to both portions. You can send out your actual invitations 6-8 weeks in advance and simply spread by word-of-mouth to those only invited to the reception if you wish.

  2. Danielle

    I recently attended a New Year’s Eve Luau. The host and hostess surprised everyone by announcing their recent engagement and with the news that they were getting married right then and there. Is it proper to send a card and a gift?

    • Danielle

      I should have also mentioned that this is a second marriage for both. If a gift is necessary, what would be appropriate?

    • Alicia

      Card absolutely!! Gift well in theory one is not obligated to give a gift for a second marriage. However if you express your joy in their union with a gift that would be lovely. As for what well an item or items within your budget that you think the couple would enjoy.

  3. Lilli


    Congrats! I’m getting married in October and I decided to skip them. Everyone I really care about being at my wedding already knows the date, so what’s the point of sending them a magnet to clutter up their fridge? If cost is a concern I think you’re better off using word of mouth or email to make sure people “save the date” and then spending that money towards what really matters to you for the reception. People are as likely to save that card as they are to save the wedding favors (which is very unlikely for both) so cut out the expensive little stuff and focus on the big memorable things. For me I was able to spring for a raw bar by cutting out save the dates, favors, and flowers (except bouquets). I know my guests would rather slurp down oysters than look at all that other little stuff.

  4. Shannon

    I would greatly appreciate anyone’s opinion on the following…

    I recently noticed on someone’s Twitter account that they started an online “fundraiser” asking people (even complete strangers) to donate to their dream wedding. The fundraiser page shows one picture of the couple, a brief love story and their goal of $20,000!!

    I know of couples who have requested money as a wedding gift (which I don’t have a problem with) but never to pay FOR the actual wedding itself. I find this extremely tacky. Am I right in my thinking or is this something new?

    Any input would greatly be appreciated.

    Thank you,

    • Alicia

      Of course it is rude, tacky,and greedy. However there are rude, tacky, and greedy people in the world. We who read this are endeavoring not to be among them.

    • Jody

      Definitely tacky, and not a trend I like to see. If a couple can’t afford their “dream wedding,” they should lower their expectations and plan something they can afford.

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