Open Thread

by epi on April 18, 2013

Welcome to the Etiquette Daily

This open thread is your space to use as you like. We invite you to discuss current and traditional etiquette. Feel free to ask questions of each other and the community moderators here.

{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

Jody April 18, 2013 at 11:22 am

I gave a young bride a nice card with a check in it for her wedding last June.
I never heard from her and the check was never cashed so I just contacted her and turns out, she never received the card or check.
What does proper etiquette dictate in this circumstance?

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Cyra April 18, 2013 at 3:08 pm

Well, since she now knows about it, I think you should probably send her a new card and check (but make sure you call the bank to cancel the old one!)

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Anne April 18, 2013 at 3:45 pm

Hello all! My husband’s great uncle who was mentally challenged and highly dependent on his sister (my husband’s grandmother) just passed away. He was elderly and it did not come as a shock, but apparently my grandmother-in-law is really not taking it well. We will be attending the funeral tomorrow, and I was thinking of bringing flowers–but she is very elderly and has trouble walking (let alone carrying things), and I almost think that flowers would be more of a burden for her to deal with than a kind gesture. The after-funeral lunch will be held at my husband’s parents’ house–so if I take any flowers there, the gesture will most likely go unnoticed by the grandmother. Any thoughts on how to show our condolences other than just showing up?

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Alicia April 18, 2013 at 6:10 pm

I’d just be supportive at the funeral and skip the flowers but grandma will probably be lonely after losing he brother who she spent a lot of time with. If you and your husband made and effort to have some time with grandma in the coming weeks that would be the kindest option.

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Cyra April 18, 2013 at 5:13 pm

Hi Anne,

I would suggest just offering your love and sympathy at the funeral, and sending flowers to her home.

My condolences to you and your family.

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Margie April 18, 2013 at 9:34 pm

I recently sent save the dates six months ahead of time for my semi-destination October wedding. My 92 year old great aunt who cannot travel sent a formal written decline (she has always been a stickler for etiquette). She might have been under the impression that this was the official invitation. Should I still send her an invitation closer to the wedding? I had originally intended to but I don’t want to confuse her or force her to send a second regret.

On the same note, I received a wedding gift from a family friend after they received the save the date with a note that mentioned they also could not attend. Do I still send them a formal invitation?

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Jody April 19, 2013 at 6:12 am

Margie — Technically you probably don’t have to send each an invitation but it might be kind to do so since these people seem to be close family/friends. Maybe you could include a handwritten note saying that you had received their earlier regrets but thought they might like a copy of the invitation to enjoy. Make sure you thank them for the wedding gift they’ve already sent.

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Becky April 20, 2013 at 9:28 am

I have a question. My husband was diagnosed in december with stage 4 non-hodgkins lymphoma. He has been receiving aggressive chemo & has to have a bone marrow transplant next month. He has been off work since November & won’t return until this November at the earlies. Some close friends & family decicded to do a benefit/fundraiser for my husband. The benefit was a italian dinner & we had 50/50 raffle, silent auction & chinese raffle.

We had a guest book & only about 50 people signed it & we had about 500 people show up to the dinner. Are we supposed to send out thank you cards. We had so many people show up we aren’t sure who was there & who wasn’t. We don’t want to send a thank you to some people & not others. I told my husband people don’t come to benefits to get a thank you in the mail. What do you think???

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Candylynn Marie April 20, 2013 at 12:28 pm

I have a question , if a person says hello and you do not say hello , does that constitute rudeness?

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Elizabeth April 20, 2013 at 12:47 pm

I would say so, yes. It is impolite to ignore a greeting.

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Sam April 20, 2013 at 9:55 pm

My family and I travel to my sister and brother-in-law’s to celebrate Thanksgiving on an annual basis. We have also enjoyed a weekend day in the summer at their home, which has become an annual event. They live about 135 miles away along a heavily travel route and except for several occasions when we stayed in a hotel, we do the trip in one day. We are encouraged by my sister to come for holiday celebrations and the summer visit and feel warmly welcome.

Since having two children, I can recall staying over at their home only two times. Once was when we asked to stay so they could watch the kids, while we attended a wedding in a neighboring city. When we inquired about the kids’ behavior, we heard they were well behaved.

Two summers ago when we were planning a visit to my sister’s, I indicated in an email that the one-day trip was becoming taxing as we got older and asked if we might be able to stay overnight. I don’t recall the exact response, but the gist was a day visit would work best.

While my brother-in-law has an adult son from a previous marriage, my sister and brother-in-law have no children from their marriage.

Other family members who don’t have children stay as their house guests, often for several days. The issue is not about the space, because my sister and brother-in-law have a house that is large enough to house all of us, including grandparents, comfortably for a night. My wife and I are wondering if we did something wrong and if it is acceptable to inquire why we are not invited to stay overnight. What do you suggest we say or do?

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Winifred Rosenburg April 21, 2013 at 9:28 am

It is not acceptable to ask why not as it might put them in an uncomfortable position depending on what the reason is. They are free to decline to offer you to stay with them for any reason or for no reason.

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Sam April 21, 2013 at 9:05 pm

thanks for the reply. I guess we just decide whether or not we go and visit and under what circumstances.

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Sue April 22, 2013 at 12:06 am

I am working on my invitations. I have a close group of friends. I am inviting their parents too, but one of my friend’s parents I am not close to and they have an awkward divorce. Should I still invite her parents since I am inviting our group of friends parents. If I invite her parents, do I invite their significant others whom they live with? She will know that I did not invite her family, but did invite everyone else. What should I do since I am not very close to her parents?

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Winifred Rosenburg April 22, 2013 at 8:55 am

If you are not close to them, you do not have to invite them. If you do invite them, you should invite their significant others as well.

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