Q: What should I do if I’m invited to a birthday or anniversary party and the invitation says “no gifts”? I feel awkward going to a party or sit-down dinner and not bringing something for the guest of honor. Would a bottle of wine or champagne be appropriate?
A: Invitations to celebrations often specify “No Gifts Please.” This is especially true of business functions, but it’s common in social situations as well. Either way, your action should be the same: Don’t buy or bring a gift. I’ve been to parties where I’ve honored the host’s request and not brought a gift, only to feel a bit awkward upon seeing that some people ignored the request and brought a gift anyway. By bringing a gift, the other guests were not only ignoring the host’s wishes, but were also making others (like me) feel uncomfortable. When a host requests no gifts, this indicates that your presence itself is what honors the host and is all that he or she wants. So go with a clear conscience and make your participation your gift.
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Is it right that a lemon slice or wedge is NOT to be used when using a fingerbowl?
…not even if hands are greasy? ….and what if one has been eating Indian food with hands?
When I host even a casual dinner for friends, I often say, “no need to bring anything”. Usually everyone still asks, “may I bring something?” and I’ll repeat, “no, thank you. I have it covered.” Without fail, everyone ends up bringing something. I appreciate the bottle of wine or flowers, as I can choose to add it to the bar or table or just set it aside for later. But, there is always someone who brings a course (dessert or an appetizer, usually). This is a gesture I appreciate, but is it wrong for me to be a little resentful at the same time? I have thought out my menu (whether it’s steak au poivre or burgers and dogs on the grill) and spent time/money making my items. So, when guests arrive with appetizers, I have to find room for it on the table AND then I think to myself, “why did I bother with making appetizers if Suzy Q was going to bring a veggie tray?” I’ve also been “upstaged” by a guest who decides (without telling me) to bring a 3-layer beautiful store-bought cake that makes my homemade brownies look pedestrian… and everyone eats the pretty store-bought cake and I’m left with enough brownies to feed an army that I made from scratch. Another guest called me the afternoon of my cookout (after clearly telling her already that she should just bring herself) and asked if she should bring the fresh asparagus she just picked up at the farmers market. I thought, “just a handful of uncooked asparagus? Does she want me to add this to my things I need to cook or make a dip to go with it?” I had enough to prepare without looking up some recipe for asparagus or finding room on the grill. I told her she could bring it but I had nothing to put with it, such as dip, etc. Thankfully, she brought wine, instead. Am I a rude host or is this a broader problem?
You are not a rude host. I get irritated by this sort of thing too. I suggest filling the food table up so there isn’t room for extra dishes. Use decorative items to fill space if necessary. When they show up with food you can say “Thank you! This will be good if we run out of food!” Put the dish away in the kitchen, and don’t put it out unless you actually do run low on food.
I agree with Winifred and Jodi. It is rude, but very difficult to cure your friends of.
My suggestion: Since you know your friends are likely to feel awkward about coming empty handed, and in the absence of direction will feel obliged to bring something that you will later resent, why don’t you just ask them to bring wine or some other non-perishable. That way you can direct what they bring without it interfering with your carefully-considered menu. You could also ask them to bring a baguette, some fruit to go with dessert, or something else that if it is leftover will make a nice breakfast.
Most of the time I’ll tell my friends: “I’ll have beer and wine, but if there’s anything special you want to drink, feel free to bring that.” That way, they usually end up bringing a bottle of wine (which we drink that night or don’t, and no one ever cares), or they bring and drink some kind of expensive hoppy bitter beer, which I would never buy anyway. Win-win.
I think it’s more a sense of people feeling awkward at showing up empty-handed. Still, if you (as host) say not to bring anything the guests should abide by that decision. If guests bring some food anyway, and you have the meal completely planned, I would not feel guilty about not putting out the guest’s contribution. I don’t think you’re a rude host at all; you’ve taken care to plan a good menu and plan your table and shouldn’t be expected to alter your arrangements at the last minute. It might seem like a small thing to some people but it really isn’t.
are email invitations….. for anniversary party….. acceptable?
are emails acceptable as invitations now a days?
They can be. Usually people try to match the formality of the invitation with the formality of the event. So, an emailed invitation might signal a relatively informal party. Or, it could mean a number of other things: they didn’t want to spend money on paper invitations, they wanted to to utilize the RSVP feature of an Evite-type website (for their convenience, or for their guests’ convenience), or they believe that the response rate will be better with an emailed invitation (because its easier to respond electronically). But I don’t know that there’s anything rude per se about an emailed invitation. You should reply to it as you would any other invitation – promptly and in the same medium as you received it.