Open Thread

by epi on February 8, 2013

Welcome to the Etiquette Daily

This open thread is your space to use as you like. We invite you to discuss current and traditional etiquette. Feel free to ask questions of each other and the community moderators here.

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

Deborah Ross February 8, 2013 at 11:21 am

I was wondering how you guys get on people good sides? Like there are those certain people who just have the presence and everyone is drawn to them. How do you get that presence? Personally I do not have a presence like that but I would still like to get on people’s good sides. Any ideas? or suggestions?
Thank you very much!
Deborah Ross

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Alicia February 8, 2013 at 12:52 pm

Getting on someones good side is a complex thing. It is not just about being nice but also about creating that presence and aura. It depends in part on who you naturally are and then on who the other person is. I can strongly recommend the book “>The Art of Seduction by Robert Green as one of the more informative books on the subject ( plus a really entertaining read).
Also the classic “>How to win friends and influence people

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Deborah Ross February 8, 2013 at 7:46 pm

Thanks you so much Alicia!

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Rev. Svend la Rose February 11, 2013 at 4:54 pm

You get on someone’s good side by starting off on their good side and staying that way thereafter.

You get presence by reading Presence, by Patsy Rodenburg, or by taking years of acting classes.

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Remedios S. Loberiza February 9, 2013 at 3:29 am

I was looking for a rule about looking at your watch.

Here’s the scenario. My officemate asks me to help her fix the ribbon of a typewriter. I try to fix it. It takes time. She looks at her watch. I feel pressured. What is the right thing to do for the two of us?

I also talk to the same person. After 5 minutes she looks at her watch. I feel she is in a hurry. I stop talking to her. What is the right thing to do for the two of us?

Thanks a lot. I really need an answer. I feel annoyed when a person looks at her watch. I feel she does not want me to talk or she is in a hurry.

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Elizabeth February 10, 2013 at 10:47 pm

Someone looking at their watch does not necessarily mean that they are bored or impatient. Perhaps they are simply curious as to what time it is? In the first scenario, I think it is natural to get a bit impatient, but since you offered to fix the thing, I think you must follow through and simply ignore any signs of impatience. In the second scenario, if you feel like the person is in a hurry, the right thing to do is to stop talking and let them go. So I think you did the right thing.

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Alicia February 11, 2013 at 9:05 am

Marvel at the idea that people are still using typewriters? Well ok maybe that would not be nice but I really did not know people still used them. I have never seen one other then the out of use one in my grandmas attic. That said, interpreting someone to be in a hurry for a glace of a watch is a bit much. If other actions also make her seem impatient. Perhaps you can suggest that a true repair person may be faster but really you are doing her a favor take however much time you need.

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Rachel February 12, 2013 at 11:55 am

Typewriters are frequently used in law offices, as many forms are not yet available online. I have one on my desk, and while I don’t use it daily, I use it most weeks.

I also get edgy when people are looking at their watches. I’d let someone go if I’m talking to them, usually saying, “Oh, I didn’t realize we had chatted for so long!” or something like that. If I’m helping someone and they are looking at their watch, I’d apologize for this taking longer than expected, and ask if she needed me to come back later or something along those lines. Gently, of course. I tend to over-apologize, though.

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melissa perner February 10, 2013 at 12:09 pm

I posted a quote on my facebook page last night. In one of the comments below the quote, a friend invited me to lunch. This then started a chain reaction with other friends asking if they can come to lunch as well. The friend that did the inviting is saying ok to all the requests. I’m not really ok with all this but how do I avoid this in the future?

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Winifred Rosenburg February 10, 2013 at 9:06 pm

As you seem to already know, your friend should not have posted this where others could see it, but that is out of your control. Did you respond on the public post? I would send a private message responding and delete the post.

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Elizabeth February 10, 2013 at 10:51 pm

I think the best thing to do is to respond to her public invitation with: “I’m not sure. Let’s talk over PM (private message).” That way people don’t know the specifics of your lunch, and if they do try to invite themselves you can just ignore it. Your friend is the one on the hook, though, for both posting a public invitation and then making it worse by responding to the self-inviters. When it comes time for you to actually set up your lunch, just say that you would prefer if it was just you two. She can either ignore the thread, or she can post and say that the original plans didn’t work out.

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up coming wedding February 11, 2013 at 2:38 pm

I am struggling to find any advice for the proper way to mention the ‘attire’ for my upcoming wedding invitations. Black Tie is the typical formal wording in the US (which is our wedding location) but my groom is English and the wedding party will be in Morning Attire. I feel that the invitation for Tuxedoes may clash with Morning suits. Any recommendations?

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Alicia February 11, 2013 at 6:34 pm

Time of day makes a big difference. Tuxedos are not worn at the same time of day as Morning Attire. Morning attire is only worn before sunset and tuxedos and black tie is an night time attire. So Formal attire for men would never include both. At least technically, so yes they would look odd. For a formal daytime wedding normal suits would be more appropriate for the men. For a very formal evening wedding Morning attire is not appropriate for anyone including the groom. What time of day is your wedding.

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Annette February 14, 2013 at 1:08 pm

My daughter lives out-of-town (MN), but is having a bridal shower in her home town (KC) and Minneapolis. A relative of ours also lives in Minneapolis. She is invited to the bridal shower that is being held in MN. The Kansas City shower includes all of my local friends, local relatives, and local friends of my daughter’s. This relative now says she wants to be invited to the KC shower also. No other out-of-towners are being invited. Do we need to invite her to the KC shower even though she is being invited to the one in MN?

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Jody February 14, 2013 at 2:23 pm

It’s rather forward of this relative to invite herself to a shower. I’d suggest that, in the interests of family harmony, you invite her to the KC shower as well. She may or may not attend, but feelings won’t be hurt. If she hints at your hosting her at your home, that’s when I’d put my foot down. Politely say that unfortunately you won’t be able to host her and suggest a few local motels.

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Winifred Rosenburg February 14, 2013 at 6:26 pm

Generally out-of-towners are not invited to showers. Also when there are multiple showers, each person should only be invited to one, with the exeption of immediate family and bridal party. It is rather forward of her to demand to be invited. I would tell her “we wouldn’t want to impose on you to come to two showers! One is certainly enough!”

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