20 Comments

  1. Dar

    Though its going on 2 years now that my younger sister did not invite my brother and myself to her son’s wedding, it still hurts. She had given two lame excuses why we were not invited , both of which sounds typical of her but I guess I expected more. She said I was not invited because I had not been in touch with Justin in several years and she fumbles through it trying to say the right thing, I guess I had not been in touch with Justin in many years. When my son got married, she was invited even though she had not seen her in several years…. As for my brother who has Chrohn’s, she said she didn’t want him to be uncomfortable, ya know, getting up and down. We have not heard from her in some time and then at Christmas I get this texted message inviting me to a Christmas boat party on the delta. I just wanted to laugh. I don’t know why she would do this as it was way too impersonable. Couldn’t call?
    She is a nurse and not only does she lack compassion, she has no class at all. When our mother was dying in a hospital many years ago, she decided to fly off to Hawaiil with one of her her online dating bozos. She had the nerve to call me several days later and ask how our mom was doing. My mom had passed away during the night. Not only did she not answer her cell phone, her kids never called me to ask how gramma was doing. I am thinking that she and her son need to check out “classes on wedding etiquette “??
    I appreciate input regarding this. Thank you

    • Elizabeth

      Dar, I’m sorry that your relationship with your sister is in such a bad state. It sounds frustrating and hurtful. I would counsel acceptance here. It sounds like your sister has not changed, but has always been this kind of self-involved person who does not value family ties. There’s nothing you can do to change her, and it doesn’t sound like there’s any way for you to improve your relationship. (It takes two to tango.) Rather than feeling bad about it, you should try to accept it and go forward in your life, investing in relationships that are mutual. You have a family and a brother, and great friends I’m sure. Don’t waste your time and energy wishing for something that is simply not available.

    • I am uncertain what input you’d like. Also, who is Justin?
      If your sister makes you unhappy, cut her out of your life and move on. If you can’t stand the thought of cutting your sister out of your life, then you must accept her for who she is, flaws and all (as Elizabeth suggests). She is an adult, as are you, and you cannot change another person who doesn’t wish to be changed. I wish you luck.

    • Alicia

      First it is not the mother of teh groom that controls the guest list it is the groom and bride. So your nephew did not invite you to his wedding. Sounds like you are not a close family and possibly that they had a small wedding. Stop blaming your sister for her sons choice.
      Text messages instead of calling for invuite. Sounds like you do not talk often. I would be happy at the invite at all not upset at the way it was delivered. Text messages convey info well and can be a nice thing in terms of letting you think about your calendar and answer not outting you on the spot. So maybe she felt alkward calling you up but still wanted to invite you. there is nothing wrong with responding tio text mesage with a phone call if you prefer that so I hope you called her back and greatfully accepted the invite.
      I think it sounds like a strained relationship and you are thus more inclined to find fault where you would not if you had a closer relationship. I would try and see the bright side and that is likely to improve your happiness and relationship

  2. Elizabeth

    I assumed Justin was Dar’s nephew, her sister’s son, to whose wedding she had not been invited – but it’s a good question.

  3. Adi

    Hi,
    I need to email my professor (as he is out of town) about my friend. My friend ‘Rish’ wants to apply to the same university as I am studying in. I want to introduce Rish to my professor. I would also like to inquire if his deadline for application can be extended or should he apply the following semester. I would also like to know about the funding opportunities for him. Rish can meet the professor himself as the professor is going to Rish’s town for some work. But, before he meets him, I think he needs an introduction by me.
    Will such an email be too rude? Please help me with what should i write in the email..
    Thanks!

    • Winifred Rosenburg

      I don’t think it would be rude to say that your friend is interested in applying and if it’s not too much trouble, would he mind meeting with him. You can also explain where the friend lives. At this point in the conversation, if the professor agrees you should withdraw from your middle-man position and allow your friend to deal directly with your professor. Allow your friend to ask questions about admissions deadlines and financial aid himself.

    • Good afternoon, Adi,
      I understand that every university is different (and I’m making an assumption you’re talking about one within the U.S.), but in my experience (which is with 3 different private colleges, and the public uni where I currently work), the faculty have nothing to do with application deadlines. This is something that is set by the Office of Admissions. Now, I think having your friend meet with a professor at the University is a wonderful idea, and an email from you as introduction would be a nice touch. Prospective students often meet with faculty to discuss program requirements and departmental scholarships. However, any other financial aid issues (FAFSA, other university-offered scholarships, grants, etc) will be handled by the financial aid office. These should all have contact information and other information (such as applications/deadlines) posted on the university’s website.

    • Elizabeth

      Adi, I recommend that you write an “e-introduction” to your friend and your professor. This is an email that you send to both of them. You can say something like this:

      “Dear Professor,
      I would like to e-introduce you to my friend Rish Lastname. He is a prospective student of Post University, and he was interested to speak with you about few topics before applying. I’ve included both of your email addresses here in the email, and I believe Rish will be in touch with you directly.
      Best Wishes,
      Adi”

      I would like to second Laura’s advice as well – your friend should do his homework before contacting the professor, and should not ask him questions that he is unlikely to be able to answer. Application deadlines and funding opportunities are often topics that American professors are totally uninvolved in.

  4. Bonnie

    I would like to work out a compromise for my daughters potential future wedding plans. My daughter has told me she wants me to help her plan her wedding when the time comes. Obviously, I would want to help her plan the wedding she wants and I am trying to save up money for it.

    The problem is my ex-husband, her father, molested my sister when she was 12 years old. My family does not want to be around him or his mother. My daughter had her feelings hurt when they refused to come to her graduation, because he was there. She is close with her grandmother, aunts and cousins. It would mean a lot to her to have them there when she gets married. They need to feel safe letting their children attend.

    Would it be horrible to not invite him, but suggest he have a separate reception in Florida where he and most of his family live? If it were just about differences between he and I, then I could just deal with it. I don’t want to take his moment away or put her in the middle.

    • Winifred Rosenburg

      I think your suggestion is an excellent compromise. It will ultimately be your daughter’s decision, but I think that is a good way to go. You and your daught will have a responsibility to create a reasonable amount of safety, and creating a situation where guests may be in fear of their children’s safety or experiencing psychological trauma is not acceptable.
      Just so you know, I empathize with your situation. My father-in-law was arrested in September and is currently out on bail. The nature of what he was arrested for caused the rest of the family to not want their children around him. We ended up having several Christmas celebrations to accomodate everyone and also timed when people were arriving and leaving to avoid overlap.

    • Elizabeth

      Your daughter and her future husband may invite (or not invite) anyone they like. It sounds like the extended family has made their feelings known, so she knows that if she invites dad, a bunch of other people will decline to attend. The choice is hers. It should be up to your daughter to have a discussion with dad, and let him know that she would prefer to celebrate at a separate event in his hometown in order to keep the peace. It would be best for you to stay out of it and let her handle it, since you are no longer married to him and he is still her dad.

    • Alicia

      AS sad as it is that your daughter needs to make teh choice she needs to make the choice.
      Options
      1. Invite everyone she wants and anyone who declines well that is their own choice. That way Dad can attend.
      2. Do not invite Dad thus making aunts and cousins more comfortable

      Because of Dads actions she will honestly always be a victim of this for teh rest of her life. She will need to make the choice which she prioritizes. You should not make the choice your daughter needs to.

  5. Libby

    At Christmas dinner at my home, my sister-in-law looked underneath one of the serving dishes and stated it was the same pattern she has. Then she indicated she would like to have it because she thinks it is part of the set of china her husband (my husband’s brother) received as a gift from his parents during his first marriage. This particular dish was given to my husband and I almost 30 years ago from his parents, 8 years before my current sister-in-law became part of the family. The issue of whether family things that were distributed during the first marriage are still up for grabs has come up before. I feel as though I will potentially be opening up a can of worms for dispute about other items, not to mention I would not really have the pleasure of giving the serving bowl as a gift. I’d be interested in the etiquette of this matter.

    • Winifred Rosenburg

      No, it is not polite to go into someone’s home and request to keep things you find that belong to your host, regardless of whether or not it matches your china pattern. You are free to tell her that you will be keeping the dish, look at her like you can’t believe she actually said that, or a combination of the two.

    • Elizabeth

      Just doing the math, it sounds your SIL has been in your family for 22 years – well passed the point of pussy-footing. If she had made the request of me, I would have said (with a smile): “That piece was a gift from (husband’s) parents and it’s been in our family for 30 years. It’s not going anywhere. (Or, you’ll have to pry it out of my cold dead fingers.)” Case closed. Why would you even entertain such a rude and obnoxious comment?? Just because your husband’s brother remarried doesn’t mean that his parents bequests are open to revisit. Things are distributed once, that’s it. If husband’s brother didn’t like the deal, he should have said something then, and his second wife has nothing to say about it.

      • Joanna

        Wow, SIL was incredibly rude! You should absolutely not worry about offending anyone or saying no in such a situation – your possessions are YOUR possessions! You don’t need to “defend” them, especially in your own home.

  6. Leslie

    For the Processional, Recessional, and seating at a wedding…the grandmother of the groom was divorced from his (now deceased) grandfather years ago. The grandfather’s widow and the grandmother will both be at the (formal) wedding. The widow is like a member of the family. The two are friendly, sort of! Thank you.

    • Alicia

      Both would go on the grooms side I’m assuming they are paternal grandparents in which case.
      Row1= parents of groom
      Row 2 Maternal grandparents of groom
      Row 3= grandmother of groom
      Row 4 = stepgrandma of groom

      For processional I would skip grandparents entirely but if you do it then the order would the the opposite of rows as later is higher honor in processional( closer to bride) and so would go stepgrandma of groom, other grandmother, maternal groom grandparents, paternal bride grandparents , maternal bride grandparents , parents of groom, mother of bride, father of bride and bride

  7. Brockwest

    Libby, doncha just LOVE in-laws. I’ve found in-laws can be a HUGE source of problems about family possessions, usually involving jewelry.
    I would simply tell her that she can google on-line for that pattern and buy whatever she wants, but that your china is personal and precious to you…and I would Count the darn plates after she leaves.

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