Exclusionary Events: When you’re not invited to the bachelor party

by epi on November 28, 2012

Q: My boyfriend and I are going to a black tie wedding in a month- the groom is from my boyfriend’s circle of friends of the past 8 years. In fact my boyfriend introduced the bride to his friend as she was his co worker at the time 2 years ago. The groom did not include my boyfriend in the bridal party which is fine since he has 3 brothers and included just one friend of the circle. A month ago the groom did ask my boyfriend to do a reading at the ceremony so now we are included in the rehearsal dinner too. In February the groom mentioned thoughts for a bachelor’s party to my boyfriend who would naturally be a part of it but now we found out through the one friend in the wedding party that the groom has been sending out emails regarding the bachelors party but my boyfriend is not on the list.  Granted my boyfriend would rather not go but I know his feelings are hurt a bit. Perhaps the groom decided to just include groomsmen? Is it possible the groom forgot him? Do I have to let this go or is there some subtle thing I can say to someone? He might be lucky not to have to go but I think it is the sentiment that matters. I did mention it to the mutual friend in the wedding party to just say hey isn’t this weird?, but he live overseas so isn’t attending the b party but agreed it was weird and a surprise but I have no idea if he’ll mention it to the groom though I did not want to ask him to do it. Maybe its better left alone- but etiquette wise is it wrong to be kind of offended?

A: It is best to leave it be and not worry about it. Ordinarily, the groom does not plan his own bachelor party and it may be a group comprised of family and a few closer friends than your boyfriend might be. If he would really prefer not to go then he will be relieved not to be included, and shouldn’t take it as a slap or slight, since you have no idea what the circumstances are. You also would not want to try to wangle him an invitation any more than you have done because that could make things awkward, even though your intentions are most honorable.

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Country Girl November 28, 2012 at 3:17 am

I can say from personal experience that it is near impossible to hold a wedding and all its functions and festivities without hurting someone from exclusion. At my bachelorette party, my mom offered to be our designated driver and my husband’s step mother ended up being very offended that my mom was “included” and she wasn’t. Who knew. In the case of a bachelor party though, your boyfriend should not be terribly offended. Typically groomsmen are the only surefires on the list.

As EPI also mentioned, the groom does not typically plan his own bachelor party. Even if he has, perhaps there are events planned that he knows your boyfriend will not enjoy/approve of? (strip club or heavy drinking come to mind.) Perhaps he or the planning party are trying to avoid putting your bf in an uncomfortable situation.

Hard as it may be, it is better to comfort your boyfriend and let this slide. Making any kind of fuss will put you both in a bad light… and could land your bf a forced invitation; one which he would have to uncomfortably turn down since you say he does not want to go in the first place.


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