31 Comments

  1. Sam

    When I stay at a hotel, I often leave my Do Not Disturb sign up on my door, and I bring my own bedding and towels that I use, as I’m allergic to alot of laundry detergents. I always feel bad that I don’t tip my housekeeper. When I leave, I put all the bedding and towels and other things to be washed in the bathtub (so they don’t have to strip the room, it’s already done), and put $10 in an envelope for the staff.

    Is this wrong?

    • Ashleigh

      You sound like the most considerate guest in the history of hotels!! Most people act as if the housekeepers should bow to them because they are gracing them with their god-like presence. If you are a complete slob and expect the waitstaff to clean up after your slovenly behavior, then you should absolutely tip them. Since you sound extremely clean and organized, I would say the absolute most you should do is tip a dollar or so for the last day when they come to collect everything from your stay. Also, keep in mind that the housekeeper might change day-to-day so if you’re leaving $10 to cover your whole trip, it is, in reality, probably just going to the person on the last day.

    • Chocobo

      It is certainly not wrong to tip the housekeepers. In fact, as I have read in various manners and etiquette books, in America you should always tip people who serve you: hairdressers, housekeepers, wait staff, shoe shiners, personal maids (when visiting another person), etc., unless they are the owner of the establishment. So please do tip, especially if they clean your room, even though no one does anymore for reasons beyond my comprehension. Your tip might be a little high given that you do not use their services as often as others, but please do still tip them.

      I think you sound very considerate. For goodness’ sake, please don’t apologize for it, there’s so little in the world already.

  2. Ruth Peltier

    What sort of dress is required on a trip from Nashville TN to Hawaii and back.. We change planes in Houston TX on the way there and Denver on the return trip. I had heard that dress can be really casual to and from Hawaii but what about the connecting flights. If it makes any difference, I am 70 and my companion is 55.

    • Katie K

      Hello Ruth, Airline travel to everywhere is much more casual these days. Although business travelers still wear business attire, everyone else dresses more comfortably. Many ladies wear loose fitting slacks with a nice blouse.

      You can expect to walk long distances, so wear comfortable shoes. You may be asked to remove your shoes at the security points, so something that slips on and off quickly will be easier. Unless you want to walk through security in your bare feet or stockings, wear socks.

      To avoid setting off the metal detectors, wear as little metal as possible. This can include belt buckles, jewelry, and even undergarments!

      Airports and the plane itself can be chilly or drafty. Bring a sweater or light wrap.

      I’m sure you and your companion will have a wonderful time!

  3. Beverly

    My 20- something daughters and I have a difference of opinion on invitations to wedding and baby showers. It seems to me that it is rude to send invitations to people who definitely can’t attend due to distance or disability – if these people want to send a gift for the actual wedding or birth, they should do so. I feel receiving an invite for an event that the invitee clearly can’t attend is an implied request for a gift. My daughters think it is being “sweet” to include people so they don’t feel left out.
    Thoughts?

    • Jody

      Beverly — I’m with your daughters on this one. Many years ago I was not invited to a close family friend’s wedding because “she lives so far away and we know she won’t be able to come.” (I was the only family member not invited). The hurt feelings stayed around for a long time, not so much on my part but my sister (a bridesmaid) was extremely irritated. On the other hand, several showers were held for my sister when she got married. I was invited to all of them even though the hostesses knew I couldn’t be there. I was touched by the gesture and in no way saw it as a “gift request.”

      • Beverly

        Thank you , Jody – It was very helpful for me to hear from an outside party. I guess people interpret these things in different ways!

        • Elizabeth

          I think the general rule, that one should not “count other people’s money” also goes the other way – don’t assume that people don’t have the means to do something. If you would want them to come to the wedding, go ahead and invite them. Who knows – they may surprise you and show up! Also, some people really just like to see the invitation and sometimes hand on to it as a keepsake. I heard from my parents that one of their old friends had kept my wedding invitation on display at his home long after my wedding, even though he had been too ill to attend.

          • Beverly

            I guess really my question is more about baby and wedding showers than a wedding invite itself. To invite someone 3,000 miles away to a shower is what seems to me like a message of “i know you cant come enjoy the fun, but hey, send me a present anyway”. Maybe, just maybe :), I’m being too harsh – I think it is deep southern roots of “manners” that get in my way as I know my Mom feels the same way. An invite to a wedding, I think is more of an announcement of a happy event that you are sharing with otheres no matter how far away they are. Does that give a different perspective on anybody’s thoughts? I really appreciate these comments!

          • Elizabeth

            Yes, I see that I mis-read your original post. Sorry about that! I agree with you, wedding invitations and shower invitations are different animals. I can’t see anyone being upset at not being invited to a shower many hours away, and I can see them resenting an invitation that comes with an implied gift request. I think this is partially why there is that rule against throwing your own shower, though it is becoming more accepted for parents to throw showers for their kids. The invitations to the shower should really come from the host and not the bride or expectant mother. That way any hurt feelings either way would be directed to the host and not the guest of honor. But yes, you are right – people who want to will send the baby a gift or will send a wedding present without being prompted by a shower invitation.

          • One time I received a wedding shower invite to an event over 1,000 miles away. Enclosed was the following message: Bride is registered at _____ and ____. For those who can’t make it, your gifts may be sent to this address: ___________.
            I attended the wedding with gift in hand, but declined this shower invite. And yes, I felt as you did about it.

          • Vanna Keiler

            Just Laura: How tacky for the invitation to read “For those who can’t make it, your gifts will be sent to this address:_______”. Who writes the invites for these wedding couples?? As we all know from this site, if you are not attending a wedding or shower (or even if you do) there is no compulsion to provide a gift. It’s certainly a nice gesture to do both, but for those who explicitly state it on their invites that they expect one, well….:)

          • I was particularly irritated since I planned to attend the wedding, so I was already footing the bill for plane tickets, a rental car, food, the hotel for three nights (since my significant other at the time was a groomsman and had pre-wedding things to do) and two wedding gifts off their registry. But it may have been the person who was throwing the shower who was to blame, rather than the bride. This was the same wedding where the mother-of-the-bride hovered around each table guilting us all in to the money dance. We didn’t have anything less than a $20 on us at the time, but she said things like, “Don’t you want to support Jane and John on their special day?

            You’re right, lady. I flew 1,000 miles here because I don’t support them.

          • Country Girl

            I recently saw the mother of a groom post pictures on facebook of her son and new daughter in law holding up their wedding checks and cash with the caption “We love money!” with a clear shot of the neglected pile of gifts in a heap in the background. (This same woman also proceded to tell my husband and I at our wedding a few weeks ago the exact dollar amount of the total of gifts/cash/checks that her son received at his wedding. The thought of them researching and calculating each gift amount literally almost made me throw up.)

            I don’t understand how some people have been able to turn what should be a significant and special celebration of their union into some kind of a money-making scheme. Like the best part of a wedding is getting “freebies”? Very disturbing and sad.

    • Winifred Rosenburg

      I agree with you Beverly. It’s okay to invite people who live far away to a wedding because it’s a big event so it’s the kind of thing they might want to travel for. Showers, on the other hand, are small events that you assume people who live far away would not make the trip for. I recently got an invitation to a shower that was a five-hour drive away, and I thought it was peculiar. I’m not sure about the disability part of your question. It might depend if it’s the an issue where they absolutely can’t go or an issue where it would be a lot of trouble to go.

    • Maydeen

      I was always led to believe that if you would like to have someone’s presence at your event, you invite them…even if they can’t come. I do this all the time specific to certain family mbrs for my children’s bday parties because my family live across the country & can’t afford to travel. I in NO WAY am seeking any gifts. I send them because I know my mother and grandmother for instance love to see the homemade invitations and the ideas I come up with each year. Later, I show pictures of the kids, the things I made, the things made for them etc. so that they feel they are apart of the event and their growing up. My grandmother has even mentioned how much she appreciates this! However, now that I’m older, the old rule is challenging. I have several children and bday parties now…well…see my new post of the issue. Sometimes…you just HAVE TO set limits b/c of monetary reasons. I did this at my wedding when I got a RSVP for 15 people from one family!

      • Good morning, Maydeen,
        I think when it comes to children, inviting far-away family isn’t unreasonable. Grandparents, aunts and uncles like to feel as if they are a part of the children’s lives, as you pointed out. However, when it comes to wedding showers and baby showers, sending invites to far-away unrelated people seems a bit more off-putting to some of us. The point of showers is to receive gifts, and odds are, I’m not going to be able to make multiple trips across the country; therefore, it appears as if the person is fishing for presents.

        • beverly

          Thanks, y’all! This is the first time I’ve used this site and it sure is helpful!

          Thanks, Maydeen, Laura and Winifred!

  4. John Van Wyk

    I have been asked to read a Scripture passage at a friend’s wedding. He and the groomsmen will wear tuxedos, but the guests will not be asked/required to do so. Although not a groomsman, is it appropriate for me to wear a tuxedo, as well? Thank you.

    • Elizabeth

      If you already own a tuxedo, you can certainly wear it. Otherwise, the suit you would normally wear to a wedding is just fine. As a reader, you are not technically part of the wedding party, so it makes sense that they would not ask you to rent a tux. If you were a woman, similarly they would not ask you to wear the same thing as the bridesmaids.

    • Zakafury

      I do not feel it is appropriate for you to wear a tuxedo. If there are other men giving readings, then the contrast will be strange.

      The tuxedo is a uniform more than it is a fashion choice. At formal, evening events all men are required to be uniformly dressed. Although this choice was made for the wedding party, it does not apply to guests.

      As a guest trying to look his best in the ceremony, a dark suit is the best option.

    • Chocobo

      I think it depends on what the invitation indicates the dress code is. Does it say black tie? In that case I think it is appropriate for you to wear a dinner jacket. Weddings nowadays are odd in that what applies to the bridal party does not always apply to the guests. To be honest, I disagree with this, but it seems to be common nonetheless: men and women alike are wearing dinner jackets and evening clothes at two in the afternoon for weddings, and guests are coming in sundresses while the bridal party dresses in gowns.

      It would be safest for you to see what the dress code is for guests to determine whether you should wear your dinner clothes. Even though you would not be incorrect to take your cue from the wedding party, people would probably still misinterpret your intentions if the rest of the guests are in light summer day suits.

      • Alicia

        I’d ask the bridal couple. Most likely you should not wear a tux but why not ask if the other readers are wearing tuxes. You do not want to be seen as trying to look like a groomsman when you are not as then it looks spiteful. I would default to a nice dark suit.

  5. Maydeen

    Have a 5 yr old bday party coming up themed western. We can only have 10 riders d/t facility regs, heat, stimulation, one hr time limit etc. I would like to address in advance (maybe an insert in the invite?) that there is a limit & will definitely have many other fun activities to partake in (kid versions of horseshoes, roping the pony, etc.). Many of our friends have multiple children of varying ages so we know to expect the family…
    Second, what is the best way to handle creating limits on the invites? I am in a small mommy group & I don’t know some moms or their kids so well.

    • Alicia

      You can only have 10 riders so you need to limit the number of kids to 10. You do not need to include siblings in a party invite for a 5 year old nor do you need to invite the parents. However all kids should be able to participate in the main fun activity. If you overbook your own kid/kids should skip their turns in order to give turns to their guests. But really if horseback ridding is the highlight of the day then either limit the invites to 10 kids or do something else.

  6. Colette

    When a relative has a large baby shower, and your invitation comes addressed to only you, can you take your 8 year old daughter along ?

    • Elizabeth

      Alicia is right. However, if in your family events such as these normally (or sometimes) include children of your daughter’s age, you might double check when you call to RSVP to the organizer (which is not the expectant mom), and just say “Hi Relative, I got the invitation to the baby shower and look forward attending. i just wanted to double check – kids aren’t invited, right?” She’ll either confirm this or say, “Oh no, bring Daughter!” This way you can be sure without assuming, and you can ask in a polite way that does not put the organizer on the spot.

      • Alicia

        I think that Elizabeths solution still puts the hostess in an awkward spot where they need to say no your kid is not invited.That from a hostess position is a hard thing to say sometimes particularly when it is perceived that the person asking is pushy and going to make a fuss about it. The kid was not invited so RSVP yes for yourself and do not bring the daughter unless when you RSVP yes for yourself they ask why your darling daughter is not attending.

    • Colette

      I’ll answer it myself for my daughter, today she’s calling many of her husbands relatives trying to explain how her sister could bring her grand daughter when their children were not invited. I was stunned when she walked in, while I’m no Emily Post I did try and teach my daughters the proper thing to do. ie: hand written thank you notes etc, the inside envelope will let you know who’s invited besides yourself. Some of the greed in todays weddings floor me. I personally wouldn’t attend nor would I send a gift (money) those people are nothing more than trash in my estimation. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
      Have a beautiful fall and winter

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