20 Comments

  1. Pam

    I was a bridesmaid last month. All the pictures came out really nice, including the ones of us getting ready. The bride just texted me and asked if it was okay to include one of me in rollers in a dvd of all the photos. I don’t love the photo and wish she wouldn’t. I don’t know how to politely answer her question without seeming petty, yet I know her parents will be showing ALL their friends and family these photos.

    • Elizabeth

      Hi Pam,
      There were a couple of things about the photo and the DVD that weren’t clear to me that would cause me to react differently depending on the answer. First, is the photo just of you, or are you in the background while the bride or someone else is in the foreground? Second, is the DVD like a slideshow or is it a data DVD with every photo that was taken on it? So, if you are not the one featured in the photo, or if the DVD is a data DVD with all of the photos on it, I would let it go, as there are bound to be bad photos of everyone when hundreds are taken during a day. However, if the photo does feature you, and she’s asking to include it in a slideshow that will likely be viewed all the way through, I think your objection is very warranted. The bride was kind enough to ask you, so you can feel free to respond honestly: “You know, I would actually rather that photo not be included, I think it’s pretty unflattering. How about X photo in its place?”

      • Pam

        Elizabeth, thank you for your response. I am sorry I was not more clear. The photo is a close up shot of just me in the rollers. She stated that she is putting the DVD together, so this is not a DVD provided to her by the photographer of all the shots he took. Her brother is my significant other, so it’s not like it’s a bunch of strangers who will see this DVD, I know most of the people who will view it and feel a little embarrassed by it.

        • Elizabeth

          Right, so just say no, then. I mean, the photo must have given her pause to begin with, or she wouldn’t have asked whether you minded. Just say that you appreciate her asking, and that you would rather it not be included. You really don’t even have to give a reason.

  2. Country Girl

    Hi friends!

    I am just going through the process if writing or thank yous for our wedding which took place last weekend. We received a lovely gift with no card or name attached. I’ve asked all our close friends and family on both sides if they knew the giver and no one does. it is such a wonderful (and expensive) gift and I really want to thank the person who gave it. of course short of contacting all those who have not given us something, what can we do to solve this mystery and thank the giver?

    • Pam

      Congratulations Country Girl! Have you been able to at least narrow it down by the process of elimination? You know who gave you the rest of the gifts, so who is left? And then at least try to take it from there?

    • Elizabeth

      Was it purchased off of a registry? You may be able to contact the store to inquire who bought it.

      If you don’t want to contact the guests directly, you could enlist a good friend or close family member to contact portions of the list of people who didn’t give gifts. For instance, if the possible givees include some cousins, perhaps your mom or aunt could be asked to call them. If you have a lot of friends who could have given it, perhaps asking a mutual friend whether they know if they gave it could work.

      Otherwise, you really will just have to call those people and figure out a tactful way to ask. Perhaps: “Hey John, it was great to see you at our wedding last weekend. The funniest thing happened: we receive the most beautiful crystal bowl as a gift, but we have no idea who gave it. Do you happen to know who it was?”

      • Country Girl

        Thanks ladies, yes I had already contacted the store and they don’t keep track of the purchasers. Darn! guess its more secret detective work for me!

    • Alicia

      Congratulations Country Girl on your wedding !
      After you have sent all the other thank you notes out you should have a small list of folks you did not get a wedding gifts from. Some of those folks wil give you a wedding gift in the next few weeks further narrowing the list. At this point you should have a small list of suspects. I would do one of the following get close friends or family to get discussing weddings and wedding gifts with each in the context of some other weddings and deciding what to give and have them ask what they gave you. Or if they are of the facebook generations I would be blunt and open. I would post on facebook so generally seen by everyone that is a likely suspect and say something like “Wondering if ninjas came to my wedding? We recieved a lovely ceremic chip and dip tray for our wedding and there was no names attached. Humm mystery gift…” The giver will admit it or someone else will know.

  3. Jesse

    Hi, my fiance and I are planning our wedding and we both are previously divorced. She has two kids and I have three. Combining our families we have pretty much what we need and we are thinking of doing a honeymoon registry. I think this would be perfectly appropriate as long as we explain on our wedding sight our reasoning. What are your thoughts?

    • Alicia

      Honeymoon registries are basically asking for money and thus tacky. There is no explination on a wedding site that changes this. Second weddings get smaller gifts or no gifts anyway. Besides either skip the registry if there is nothing you wan and people will either get you cash or what they think you could use or register for the stuff you need . For example new sheets for new marriage or who could not use a new set of towels for the bath or kitchen.

      Take a honeymoon you can affford on your own or skip the honeymoon.

      • Katie K

        Jesse, Alicia makes good points and many people agree with her. And really, there’s nothing worse (socially) than being seen as “tacky”. But I seem to remember that the EPI folks ran a question about this some time ago and that their position was that honeymoon registries, if done with discretion, are becoming more acceptable. Perhaps the moderators of this site can find that question.

        As an aside, the ad that I see at the top of this page is often for honeymoon registries, but I don’t know if those ads are approved by the EPI.

        So, if you have a wedding website, and if you have a section where you are listing registries, listing a honeymoon doesn’t seem any more greedy than registering for household goods (although I understand that the registry sites charge quite a premium for their services so you might do better sticking to traditional gifts. Many people give cash anyway.).

        But be aware that some, if not many of your guests will be offended by the inclusion of a honeymoon registry. Just as many of us are offended when we attend a bridal or wedding shower and are asked to address our own thank-you notes. I find that practice to be particularly irksome :-)

        Best wishes for your upcoming marriage.

        • In the Wall Street Journal (2008), Peter Post mentions that “a honeymoon is a perfectly appropriate gift to request.” Guests, of course, may not like the idea and are free to give something else.

          I absolutely despise having to address my own thank-you note. If I take time out of my date to shop, purchase, wrap and bring a present, then the recipient can at least take that extra 40 seconds to write my address (or print a label) on the envelope.

      • Chocobo

        I agree with Alicia. Honeymoon registries are false in that gift givers are lead to believe that they are physically purchasing something nice for you, but really they are just getting scammed into giving you money.

        In short, if you already have everything you need, why are you asking for more from your guests? My advice is to skip the registry, take the honeymoon you can afford, and appreciate whatever your guests give you.

    • Elizabeth

      Jesse,
      I don’t have a strong feeling either way about honeymoon registries. Since one doesn’t mention registries on the invitation, but may on a wedding website, it seems within the bounds of etiquette to have one if you must. My argument against them is, rather, financial. Most people will give you money as a gift anyway, and why should you pay the company a percentage? Instead, I would just not register at ALL. When people go to your site to look for registry info and find none, they may ask you (or your parents, etc) what you might like – and then you can feel free to say that while you’ve got the kitchen equipment all taken care of, you plan on putting any cash gifts towards a honeymoon. People will catch the drift for the most part, and others may give you beautiful things that you didn’t even know you wanted.

      • Pam

        They should just use the money they receive from guests for any honeymoon they choose to take…why does it have to be from a registry? When people have a household item registry, it’s so that people may choose to purchase exactly what the bride and groom wants and give it to them for a shower (at least in New York, where items are given at a shower and not at the actual wedding). It seems silly and unnecessary.

  4. Winifred Rosenburg

    My husband just got a job as a park ranger. He starts training next week and was sent an email with details about where and when to go for training (in a park). The email stated that he should dress “comfortably but professionally.” What does that mean?

    • Alicia

      Tan slacks , polo shirt, shoes or boots he could walk around outside in but that could also be worn to a resturant, temp/weather dependant something like solid color sweater, windbreaker,raincoat. Basically think civillian version of park services uniform.

      • Michelle

        I agree with Alicia wholehartedly. I would also include a short-sleeved button-down shirt, as it may be hot there. But definitely tan slacks, or dockers. I always like dockers pants, as they are pretty good for all occasions, and as an added bonus, they are tough, and come out of the dryer without needing to be pressed. Always nice!

    • Chocobo

      I think they really mean please do not wear tee-shirts and cargo shorts. You would be surprised how many people apply dressing “comfortably” a bit too liberally. My husband does a lot of work outside, and the first day he was there they specifically mentioned to please not show up “under the influence.” I think tan or khaki slacks, a polo shirt, and boots or hiking footwear would be appropriate, something you might wear to someone’s backyard cookout.

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