Open Thread

by epi on July 23, 2012

Welcome to the Etiquette Daily

This open thread is your space to use as you like. We invite you to discuss current and traditional etiquette. Feel free to ask questions of each other and the community moderators here.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Pam July 23, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Hi everyone, I’m trying to figure out the best way to find an old post I put up. I used the blog search but did not find my post. It was about a friend with depression calling me non stop and how to handle it. I wanted to read the wonderful responses I received as the calls have started up again. Thanks.

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Elizabeth July 23, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Here it is: http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2012/05/open-thread-849/

I’m sorry to hear that you’re having trouble…

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Pam July 23, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Elizabeth, thank you so very much! How were you able to retrieve it?

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Elizabeth July 23, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I’m a community moderator, so I was able to use a search box “behind the scenes” that is evidently different than the search box available on the regular page. I just searched “depression” and it came up. I’m not sure why they produce different results…

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Sheryl Mann July 24, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I just read and please correct me if I am wrong that it is proper etiquette to include the bridal party at the reception. My lovely brother inlaw and his soon to be wife do not want kids at the reception–which I totally get, but my kids are a part of the bridal party and I personally think that it is rude. It’s like hey yeah let me borrow your kids for the day so the pictures are cute and then see ya, all set with the kids. I’m livid that they didn’t at the very least ask us if we wanted the kids there or not as it’s my brother inlaws neice and nephew and my inlaws are paying for the majority of this wedding. They just assumed the kids would leave after cocktail hour…so my kids don’t get a meal and don’t get to stay yet we will be at the reception because my husband is in the bridal party as the best man.

Please let me know how to handle this as I am very upset, appalled and disgusted.

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Just Laura July 24, 2012 at 2:06 pm

I don’t know if feeling disgusted is necessary here, but I definitely understand your frustration and surprise.
Having a child-free wedding is fine.
Having children included in a wedding is fine.
Using a child for pictures then not allowing them to be a part of the rest of festivities seems very odd (and indeed, I wouldn’t advise it). Just as we wouldn’t exclude any of the bridesmaids or ushers from the reception, it seems unfair to exclude a flower girl or ring bearer. Did they at least coordinate a babysitter for your convenience?

This should probably be handled with a phone call along the lines of, “I noticed that my children can’t come to the reception, though they are needed for the wedding. This places a bit of a burden on us, as we have to be at the reception, and don’t have time to drive the children to another location/find a way to feed them, yet still fulfill our obligations to you.” Perhaps they have a babysitter lined up for all children (including a meal for them), and you won’t have to worry about it.

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Chocobo July 24, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I agree with Just Laura’s solution. I do believe that the bride and groom are in the wrong, they should either not have children in the wedding or include them in the reception as a part of the bridal party. However, it won’t help matters to bring up how angry you are about it, and I don’t suggest confronting them while you are still fuming. But after you’ve had a chance to cool, you do have an easy way out: say something like “I’m sorry, but this is not possible,” and focus on how you and your husband won’t be able to leave the children somewhere else when you are so busy with the wedding. Perhaps suggest to them that it might be easier if the children are not involved at all, offer to pull them from the bridal party (gently, without spite) and you’ll just grab a baby sitter for the whole day. Just Laura may be right, they may realize their mistake on their own, or may have an alternative plan for the children to keep them occupied during reception hours.

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Elizabeth July 24, 2012 at 4:24 pm

My sister was just married, and the daughter of a good friend was the flower girl. The good friend’s parents live in the area, so during the cocktail hour they drove her to her grandparents’ so that they could come back to the reception and enjoy it without having to attend to a small child. I’m positive this wasn’t something requested by my sister (the bride), but rather something they chose to do because they wanted to enjoy dinner, drinks dancing at an evening reception when their daughter would have been tired and cranky.

I think you should be given the option to have the kids there or not, but it is possible that the bride and groom suggested this for your own enjoyment??

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