1. Jenny

    I would like to kmow how others see this situation.
    I was invited to an out of town wedding where all out of town guests were invited to a party after the rehersal dinner but only some of the out of town guests were invited to the rehersal dinner. There was no obvious dividing line as to who was included in the dinner and who was not. One couple who had a child in the wedding was not invited where all others parents of those in wedding were invited. Many included did not have a family member included in the wedding party. The couple felt it was a personal slight [which in fact it was] as they had known the groom’s parents forever and the groom had grown up in their home. As many do now there were pictures of childhood etc displayed. Several of those pictures were taken over the years by the excluded woman. The groom had told her this was to be the case.
    The couple left and drove 6 hours back home–skipping the wedding.
    What do you think of the situation—how would you have felt—would you have stayed or left. Do you see this as much of a social offense as I do??

    • Winifred Rosenburg

      It is strange to go about making a rehearsal dinner guest list this way. People who must be invited to the rehearsal dinner are: parents and grandparents of the bride and groom, bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls, ring bearers, parents of the flower girls and ring bearers, any other wedding guests that are participating in the ceremony (readers, ushers, etc.), and of course the bride and groom. Sometimes out-of-town guests are also invited, but they don’t have to be.

      Yes, they should have been consistent with whom was invited and whom wasn’t. I’m not quite sure what the pictures have to do with it though. Also please bear in mind that the slight was not necessarily from the bride and groom as many times the groom’s parents host the rehearsal dinner and may have come up with the guest list independently of the bride and groom. Conceding that this couple may have been slighted, that does not excuse their departure. When you RSVP that you will be attending an event (particularly a wedding) nothing other than sudden illness or emergency excuses your absence.

      • Vanna Keiler

        I agree with Winifred Rosenburg’s response. The focus is on the ceremony and wedding and the prerogative to invite someone to the rehearsal dinner is up to those hosting it. On the other hand, since weddings are intensely personal affairs, there is always a hierarchy of who is considered most important to the functioning of the wedding, and this opens the gateway for feelings to be hurt (“why wasn’t I a bridesmaid??”). What one must do in these situations, in my opinion, is put aside our hurt and realize that there are a lot of factors going into decision-making, from both the bride and groom’s sides, which are not known to us, and take it in good faith that if they were able to invite us to all events, they would have.

      • jenny

        Your answer was interesting and also enlightening. {Please excuse any mis-spelled words. Not a strong suit of mine.} I know all the people well and know of the increasingly hostile relationship between the excluded female and the Mother of the Groom. The exclusion was an intentional hurt and social slight. The referance to the pictures was only to say this was a through childhood friendship between the 2 boys. I feel that it was a cruel and mean thing to exclude the couple and expected you to comment accordingly. The fact that the departure of the excluded couple was a social misconduct and a selfish act was something I had not recognized. I do not want to agree with you but I must. You have given me the chance to look at and to learn something new. Thank you for the insight. I think we both agree that bringing this view to the attention of the hurt couple is best not done.

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