13 Comments

  1. Winifred Rosenburg

    A friend of mine ask my opinion on a difficult situation she’s in so I thought I would relay it and see what you all think. She is going to be a bridesmaid in her brother’s upcoming wedding. She was invited to her future sister-in-law’s bachelorette party and shower, both of which were planned by the bride’s sister, the maid of honor. Between the bachelorette party and the shower, my friend’s sister (who is also a bridesmaid) informed my friend that she had asked the maid of honor how much her share of the bachelorette party and the shower was. The maid of honor told her $200 so my friend’s sister gave her a check for $200. The maid of honor also told my friend’s sister that she’s not going to hunt people down to pay so my friend isn’t expecting her to ask her for the money but assumes she’s hoping she’ll pay anyway.

    My friend doesn’t make a lot of money so $200 is quite a lot for her and is actually more than she had budgeted for the shower and wedding presents combined. She also was never given an opportunity to help plan either event where she could have influenced the total cost. Should she pay up or not? Or as a compromise should she pay some but not the full $200?

    • Elizabeth

      It sounds as if the MOH knows that she planned something potentially out of the budgets of the bridesmaids, and this is why she isn’t pursuing payment. It would be a nice gesture for your friend to contribute what she can. She can say, “MOH, I know this isn’t the ideal amount, but it is what I can afford to contribute and I do want to do my part.” If the MOH protests, she can calmly say, “I understand how you feel. However, if you would have asked me prior to planning the events how much I could contribute, I would have told you. Unfortunately, we never had that discussion, so again this is what I can afford to give you.” I have a strong hunch that the MOH will appreciate any contribution because she knows that the price of total control (not asking others for input, budgetary or otherwise) is that you might have to cover it yourself.

  2. Jody

    This is an interesting question. I was reading it to mean that your friend was invited to the shower/bachelorette party as a guest, not invited to host them. In that case I’d say that she wouldn’t be obligated at all to pay for the expenses. It’s generous to offer to pitch in but I wouldn’t see it as a requirement.

    • Winifred Rosenburg

      Yes Jody, I think my friend was confused in the same manner. She thought she was a guest because the MOH had given her and all the other bridesmaids the impression that she didn’t want any help with planning and just wanted to host it by herself so she was taken aback by being indirectly handed a bill. My take on it was if the MOH wanted to host it by herself, she also had to pay for it by herself. If she wanted others to host it with her, she should have given them a say in planning. The whole thing seemed like a strange way to go about it.

      • Elizabeth

        I’m curious why your friend’s sister asked how much she owed, then? I think that showers are typically the responsibility of the people that host them, (and those hosts are acknowledged as such) but bachelorette parties are often split between bridesmaids (or even between all attendees) depending on what the costs are.

        • Winifred Rosenburg

          My friend doesn’t know why her sister asked either. I’m guessing she thought it was a bridesmaid’s responsibility and didn’t think about the concept of a host. The bachelorette party involved a chef coming to the MOH’s home and giving them all a cooking lesson so it isn’t as easy for someone not involved in the planning process to anticipate the costs as say going out to dinner when you could easily pay for what you order. I don’t know if it matters, but there were also some non-bridal party ladies in attendance at the bachelorette party and as far as my friend knows they didn’t contribute.

          • Elizabeth

            Interesting situation…and also interesting idea for a bachelorette party. I would love to do an intimate cooking lesson like that!

            It sounds as if your friend is in the clear if she just wants to keep her head down and not offer any reimbursement to the MOH. Again, I think it would be generous and nice of her to offer something, especially if she’s concerned about her relationship with the MOH, but if they aren’t good friends or she isn’t otherwise concerned, I think there is not an obligation here.

  3. Liz Bagsby

    I have a question about the proper etiquette of introducing the bride and groom at the reception when the bride is a doctor and not changing her name to that of the groom’s last name. My friend is getting married Sat. And trying to figure out how to be introduced by the DJ. Should she have them introduced as Dr. & Mr. Grooms last name? Thanks! Also, many of those in the bridal party are also physicians. Should they be introduced as Dr. as well?

    • Elizabeth

      I agree with Alicia in terms of how the bride and groom are introduced.

      With respect to the bridal party – if titles are to be used for everyone (Mr. James Wood, Dr Caroline Jones, etc) then yes, use Dr. But if they are introduced by their names only, it would be weird to distinguish the doctors and use nothing for others (Dr Caroline Jones, and James Wood).

    • Chocobo

      The bride should choose whichever name she wants to be called in her social life, as the DJ’s announcement serves as her married introduction to her social circles. If she wants to be called Dr. Bridesname, then she should stick with that, but if she wants to be called Ms. Bridesname or Mrs. Groomsname she should choose that for the introduction. What is legally her name is less important than what she wishes to be called socially.

      For what it is worth, Mr. and Mrs. Groomsname isn’t inaccurate to say regardless of the bride’s legal name. “Mrs.” literally means “wife of”, so one can be Dr. (or Ms.) Smith and Mrs. Brown at the same time. But if the bride feels strongly that she does not want to be called Mrs. Groomsname socially, then I would recommend speaking with the DJ about how to make introductions.

      • I have a friend who is a Captain in the Army, and she is also a doctor (veterinarian). She and her husband were introduced as Captain and Mr. Jones (she chose to take his name). I agree with Chocobo – find out how the bride would like to be addressed socially.

  4. Alicia

    Well if she is keeping her last name then she should absolutely let people know this by having the introduction of them include their real names.
    “Now here is the happy bride and groom!! All the happiest wishes for Dr. Julie Smith and Mr Mark Jones!!!!!”
    Or something along those lines.

  5. CC

    I concur with Alicia. Another idea: I bet your friend’s DJ has experience introducing brides who have chosen not to change her name. Why not shoot the DJ an email asking for his/her advice about what brides usually do?

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