Open Thread

by epi on March 23, 2012

Welcome to the Etiquette Daily

This open thread is your space to use as you like. We invite you to discuss current and traditional etiquette. Feel free to ask questions of each other and the community moderators here.

{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

KLucas March 23, 2012 at 2:11 pm

We received a wedding invitation this week from 2 friends. We have been married for almost 9 years. This couple have only known us since we’ve been married. The wedding invitation was addressed to Mr. Ken Smith and Ms. Karen Lucas, instead of Mr. and Mrs. Ken Smith. Lucas is my maiden name. Do I say anything to either the bride or the groom or write a note on the RSVP card. The invitation was sent from the bride’s family but the invitation wording came from the bride & groom as they are the one paying for the wedding.

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Elizabeth March 26, 2012 at 10:37 am

For some reason, your friends are under the impression that you’ve kept your maiden name. It is surely an honest mistake. I would just RSVP “Mr. & Mrs. Ken Smith” or “Ken Smith and Karen Smith,” and leave it at that.

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d March 24, 2012 at 8:55 am

i am having the toughest time trying to convince my daughter’s dance company that it is improper to require the cast to pay to enter the cast party. the dance company is a small financially struggling non-profit organization so they use the party as a revenue stream. the majority of the cast don’t attend because of the entrance fee. after speaking with the cast, most leave feeling under-appreciated. i have suggested having each cast member bring a covered dish so the organization doesn’t have to cater the event. let me know if it is, in fact, an improper gesture. if so, how can, i convince the powers-that-be to implement a different practice. help!

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Alicia March 26, 2012 at 10:21 am

There is nothing rude about not giving free tickets to the members of a organization at a fundraiser which this is. Yes as they call it a cast party perhaps that gives the impression of honoring the cast but that does not seem to be the function of this party/fundraiser. Instead of being sad that the cast are not getting free tickets perhaps you should be organizeing more of teh cast to attend and support the organization that they clearly care about and are working on their thesbian talents with.

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Elizabeth March 26, 2012 at 10:27 am

I think you could take a two-pronged approach: first, (depending on the dancers’ ages) either their parents or the dancers themselves could take it upon themselves to suggest or eve organize some kind of fundraiser. Then, they could make the argument that while they support the organization, they prefer to have a genuine cast party and not a fundraiser. They would then organize this cast party themselves and not rely on the company for funding, food, etc. If the cast simply stops coming to the ‘sanctioned’ cast party and simply throws their own, that would be a strong message as well.

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Jerry March 26, 2012 at 7:24 pm

I really like this approach.

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Annie Beck March 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm

One of my best friends from childhood is getting married in May. We have been good friends since kindergarden and share a lot of mutual friends. In fact, two of those friends are in the bridal party. I was not invited to be in it because they wanted to keep it small, and I completely understand, so no hard feelings there. The part of the wedding I have an issue with is that when the invite came 3 weeks ago, it was addressed to my parents only (I’m a recent grad and still live at home). My name wasn’t on anything at all! The inner envelope was completely blank so no help there. I was invited to the bachelorette party and my mom and I were invited to the shower. I have asked my two friends in the bridal party about this and they said “don’t worry, you’re totally invited” and don’t see what the problem is. I think it’s rude and thoughtless on the bride’s part.
Should I RSVP on my parent’s invite? Should I ask the bride about this? Am I making a big deal over nothing?? Help please!

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Alicia March 26, 2012 at 8:05 am

At this point a couple of things coule be true
1. You are not invited
2. You are invited and your invite got lost in the mail.
In either case asking the bride is not the solution as that puts her on the spot. Not is RSVPing on an invite when you have not been invited. Wait. If she notices your lack of RSVP and asks you about it you can then say that you never got the invite. Until you get an invite you are not invited. Your parents may make the choice to deline on the reason of your lack of invite.
Since you were invited to the bachlorette you may decline that invite and tell the person organizing that you feel wierd gouing to the bachlorette having not been invited to the wedding. It will get back to the bride and if she mean to invite you she will correct the mail issue then.

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Elizabeth March 26, 2012 at 10:33 am

I think Alicia’s advice would be the proper route if the the bride was someone you knew less well. However, given your very long history with her, and given that you are invited to both the bachelorette and the shower, the most likely scenario is that whoever addressed the envelopes were not well-versed in how to do so. That, or they sent you a separate invitation and it got lost. Does it even make sense that your parents would be invited and not you?? I think that if you were to do the ostensibly proper things Alicia has suggested, it would come across as being very passive aggressive. The bride will think “of course this was a misunderstanding, why didn’t she just ask me??” I’m only saying this, of course, based on the fact that you have been friends for so long and because you are invited to the ancillary functions. One doesn’t usually invite people to the shower that one doesn’t intend to invite to the wedding itself, so that’s a big tip-off as well.

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Just Laura March 26, 2012 at 10:44 am

I definitely agree with both ladies above. Asking if one is invited to an event is usually frowned upon (very awkward for the bride/groom), but invitations do get lost in the mail and you do have a long history with this person (plus, who invites Dear Friend’s parents, but not Dear Friend?)

A girl friend of mine got married last fall, and sent out invites. ONE THIRD of them were returned to her about two weeks prior to the wedding for “insufficient postage” (why 2/3 were perfectly fine confuses us). There were a lot of upset friends and family until the bride managed to call them all and explain what happened.

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Vanna Keiler March 26, 2012 at 12:49 pm

How about having the parents call and inquire, before they decided to accept/decline? They could call the other parents or the bride and simply confirm who was invited. This keeps the non-invited friend from “confronting” her friend and everyone saves face if the bride had intentionally decided to not invite the friend to the wedding. The question is, if the friends are still close, would not they be in more regular contact so that these misunderstandings would not occur? If not, this may lead to some of the answers of why the friend was not invited, unfortunately.

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Nina March 25, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Hi Friends,

There were some problems at my job last week–not my fault but my responsibility–that required weekend work. My boss said she would work Saturday and I said I’d work Sunday. This morning she called and said she felt bad since I have to travel quite far to work, and since there wasn’t much left to do, she’d do it for me!

So nice of her! Are homemade cookies and a warm email appropriate thanks? I know you aren’t supposed to give presents to your boss, but I was hoping homemade stuff could be an exception…true?

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Alicia March 26, 2012 at 8:01 am

I’d feel wierd if one of my employees did that. I’d also do exactly what your boss did. I would view the best thank you making sure you are 110% on your game at work and make sure things do not slip up again.

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Elizabeth March 26, 2012 at 10:35 am

Sorry, I guess this is my day to disagree with Alicia! There’s nothing wrong with thanking your boss for something nice that she did for you. If I were to bring in cookies, I might say, “I made a batch over the weekend, and thought you might like some, just as a little thank you for this weekend.” Don’t make it a big deal, but I’m sure she’d appreciate your acknowledging her generosity.

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Jerry March 26, 2012 at 7:41 pm

I’d do the homemade cookies absolutely. (Contrary to what some people say, there is no absolute prohibition on giving a gift to the boss so long as it doesn’t run into the realm of brown nosing.) I would not, at all, put anything in writing as that could come back if it gets to your review time.

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Embarrassed Guest August 4, 2012 at 11:09 pm

We attended a wedding recently for the son of friends. We had sent in the RSVP about a week after recieving the invitation. We attended the wedding ceremony and when we went in for dinner our names were no where to be found on the guest list. No call was made to us prior by the bride or groom asking if we were attending since they had not received our RSVP. Needless to say we were totally embarrassed as we were invited and had replied that we were attending and what menu choice we selected. Seats were found for us and a sit down dinner was served but we felt very out of place after that. I would have left but my husband insisted we stay. We didn’t say anything to either of the bride’s or groom’s parents (as we know both of them). She we have said something or should we have done what we did and made the best of it?

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Country Girl August 5, 2012 at 2:52 am

It sounds like you handled an awkward situation very gracefully. the most likely scenarios are that either your rsvp was lost in the mail or that there was simply an error in the seating arrangements. You were thoughtful in not making the situation dramatic by saying anything to the couple or their parents. While it was likely a little embarrassing/confusing for you, you did the classy and polite thing by making do and continuing to have a great time.

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Embarrassed Guest August 5, 2012 at 9:55 am

Thank you for your reply.

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