1. Country Girl

    Dear friends, I have a bit of a unique situation. As I have said before here, I am so excited to be getting married this summer. The unique part is that I am adopted. Since a few years ago when I turned 18, I have met and maintained really great relationships with each of my birth parents (who are no longer together) and their families. They have each also had a chance to meet and get to know my fiance. I have, however, decided not to invite either birth parent to our wedding. There are a few very specific reasons for this including not wanting undue stress for my actual parents, not wanting focus of the day to switch to my friends and family meeting my birth parents for the first time, as well as the fact that my birth parents have a lot of tension between them. I don’t want any added stress or awkwardness for anyone on our wedding and I am sure that not inviting them is the only way for that to happen.

    My question is this… I care about my both of my birth parents and their children and I feel that, though they may be understanding of not being invited, they will still likely be hurt that they are not made a part of our day. I want to know if it would be acceptable to arrange perhaps a dinner a bit after the wedding to celebrate with each family individually? I am not sure how I would even begin to word an invitation to an after-wedding celebration. In this case, would I not owe them an explanation for why they weren’t invited to the actual wedding? Is there a better way to celebrate with them or should I just send them a wedding announcement instead? I want to make them feel included in the celebration, I just feel a little flustered about the whole situation and would really appreciate some feedback from my level-headed friends here.

    • Alicia

      Well I would not call it an after wedding celbration simply a Family dinner party. Go ahead and host you first married dinner party for your biological family. But simply call it a dinner party not a post wedding dinner party.
      Nobody ever gets an explination of why they are not invited that is putting into words all the hurtful things that are best left as alkward. Unless they are very socially clueless they must know on some level that birth family and raised family is an alkward group get together. So they wilol liekly understand even if slightly disappointed.

      So go ahead with the guest list.
      Go ahead and host your first married dinner parties in the honor of your birth families.

    • Elizabeth

      I agree to a large extent with Alicia, however, if you’ve introduced them to your fiance and discussed your wedding with them, it is understandable that they know about the wedding and may feel disappointed at not being invited. I don’t think you should go out of your way to call them to say “hey, sorry you’re not invited!” But if you find yourself talking to your bio-mom about the wedding and she makes so comment which makes you think she expects to be invited, you could “confide” in her that you wish you could invite her and the rest of your bio-family, but for obvious reasons, it’s just too complicated and you hope she understands. Say that you’re looking forward to having them over for one of your very first post-wedding dinner parties.

      You really don’t owe an explanation, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t sometimes kind to offer one.

  2. Tru_Believer

    You are so kind and thoughtful to consider any of this, your family (all of them) is very lucky!

    I think a Marriage Celebration dinner or a Mr & Mrs Dinner is a great idea. Any one who has ever had a wedding understands about not being invited. I am certain your Bio parents get it. It sounds like you hosting a dinner that celebrates them and your relationship to them along with your new husband is delightful.

    Keep it fun, keep breathing, and be grateful to have so many people that love you.

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