Q: I am worried about having an open bar at my wedding because there are a certain few members of my fiances family that we believe would take advantage of an open bar and get really drunk and embarrass us. We are also concerned about being liable if they choose to drink and drive. Do you have any suggestions about what we could do? I know that it is etiquette to have an open bar at a wedding and we have no problems with that, we are just afraid that some people might get out of control. Any suggestions that you might have would be greatly appreciated.
A: There is no “rule” that states you must have an open bar at your reception. It’s your choice whether to have an open or limited bar or none at all. However, if you decide to have an open bar, your fiancé and/or a close relative might speak beforehand to those members of his family that may overindulge or “assign” another person to monitor them at the reception. You may also check with your caterer that anyone who is on the verge of becoming intoxicated will not be served any more alcohol.
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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
You can do an “open bar up to a certain amount has been ordered” and then make it a cash bar. This way people have to regulate how much they can spend and, therefore how much they drink. A friend did this at her wedding and everyone still had a great time. Her limit was $500 and they hit that 15 minutes into the reception.
It is rude to have a cash bar. Any food or beverages offered to your guests should be free. What you can do is have a limited bar, as EPI suggested, and only offer, for example, beer, wine, and champagne. People tend not to get intoxicated as quickly with those drinks than with hard liquor.
I agree completely. What is the point of only paying for drinks for the first 50 people who could get to the bar??
Not only this, but what about those people who will drink as much as they can as quickly as they can, so as to get in under the $500 mark? If the bride and groom are already concerned that a couple people have drinking problems, only the limited bar (as has been mentioned) is going to work. I’ve been to several weddings with beer/wine only bars, and I made mine a beer/wine/bourbon only bar (more for cost than anything).
People typically aren’t doing shots of pinot grigio.
When I was waiting tables we had to have training in how to recognize when or if a patron was inebriated and on how to cut them off if we felt they’d had too much. I don’t know what the laws are in your state, but in TN, at that time, the restaurant that served the patron could be liable if they served them too much alcohol. My guess is that your caterer may have similar training for their bartender. Check with your caterer to see if or how they handle that type of situation. They may be liable (more so than you in particular) if a guest drinks and drives.
I just got Married December 16, 2011 in Ontario. I am Scottish so my family can drink so we decided to have an open bar that was all inclusive of any drink imaginable. Most people would argue that’s a bad idea because I’m Scottish which would go along with all the concerns you have. We have some serious drinkers on both sides of the wedding BUT everybody controlled there alcohol and had an amazing time. We also had a 6 course meal and late night buffet, so you would want to consider how much food will be served at your wedding as well..The more food, the better when it comes to drinking at the same time. As for liability, like the others have said check with the venue. I’m positive you wouldn’t be held responsible. Also the bartender no matter what event your at should be trained to know when someone has had enough and can simply cut them off and give them some water:) I hope your wedding is everything you have imagined:)
Yes to having enough food! I’ve definitely been at weddings where there was an open bar, but the amount of food was a bit limited. It didn’t turn out too well for some guests.
I agree that a limited bar is better than making guests pay for drinks. Depending on your guests it might be wise to ask your bartender to under-pour and/or make weak drinks right from the start rather than have to cut people off completely later in the night. When I waitressed we had an elderly lady who would become irrate when we cut her off after she drank too much; our solution was to only serve her one serving of alcohol but spread out over three mixers. She never noticed and she thought she was only charged for one drink because she was a beloved regular. Everyone was happy!
Another idea would be to simply have a cocktail hour. Guests could enjoy drinks from a select menu (ie. a couple of signature cocktails, no shots) to keep them happy before you and your fiance arrive/while you are taking pictures. When dinner begins, the bar could either begin to serve beer and wine only, or just soft drinks.
Previously a bartender myself, some other tricks you may also choose to use would be to either limit the number of bartenders or ask bartenders to really chat up each guest as they are serving. This means the line for the bar will be slightly longer which will both give guests an opportunity to socialize with each other and will space out the number of drinks they are able to obtain. Also make pitchers of water or fun non-alcoholic drinks plentiful and on each table to quench thirst. Guests should be happy to be able to have one or two drinks to get the party started, and by the end of the evening they should be fairly sobered up. =)
Although Winifred’s opinion is clear, I think the EPI skirted the question: Is a cash bar rude?
In outdoor weddings and other catered locations, then a limited selection seems only natural.
In a restaurant or country club venue, where there is a full bar, serving a limited selection courtesy of the hosts and other items at the guests’ expense sounds very sane to me. I would find it a little off-putting if I couldn’t get a crown & coke, even though I could see the bottle of bourbon.
I’m curious to hear more thoughts on the happy hour solution. I think free drinks for the first hour or two and then a cash bar makes enough people happy – gently discouraging drinking as the party winds down. I don’t find the argument that people will try to guzzle early on compelling, people tend to start slow through dinner.
I’m trying to decide if you simply made a typo when you classified Crown as a bourbon…
I am more in favor of free drinks for the first hour than I am of free drinks until a certain dollar amount is reached. If the bride and groom already know that some guests have drinking problems, then these are the guests who may “guzzle early” to get in under the dollar limit. Most people who do not have these issues would not do this.
I was recently at a wedding where each wedding guest was issued two drink tickets. After the two tickets were used up, a small fee was charged for each drink thereafter (much less than what one might be charged at a commercial establishment) and the proceeds from the bar were donated to a local charity. It was clear that, while the hosts were paying for the bar, the guests were expected to have some responsibility for the amount that they chose to drink – I thought it was a perfect solution to a tricky problem!
I know that cash bars are a huge etiquette no-no, not only with Emily Post, but with pretty well any other wedding planning guide/website/advisor you could ever think of… but here’s how my fiancé and I have chosen to proceed:
We have as many family members and friends who are irresponsible rambunctious drinkers as we do friends and family who are not. Now unless we paired them all in some sort of “buddy” system and made everyone feel like they were in kindergarten and not allowed to do certain things, it would be impossible to stop anyone from drinking the amount that they want to drink — especially on an open bar.
We are going to have nearly 150 guests attending our event, and we’re serving them a lovely 3 course meal, plus a massive wedding cake, a grand assortment of hors d’oeuvres before the reception even begins, and another order of hors d’oeuvres once the dance party portion of the evening goes underway. We are both very recent university graduates who don’t have a lot of money, and we feel that we’re spoiling our guests as it is. We are going to open a limited bar during cocktail hour (for literally 1 hour), so that people can enjoy a drink or two before the reception. We will have wine on every table to accompany the meal, and waiters circling constantly, ensuring that no one is thirsty.
After that, we are opening a cash bar, as a service, for anyone who wishes to continue to drink after the meal is said and done with. In our group of friends and in our families, people would be more offended by having no access to liquor at all, than to have to buy it. People would leave and go across the street to drink at the bar, and come back periodically. We don’t want people leaving our venue so that they can go get another drink. We just want to provide a service for anyone who wants to get sh*****d, and they can do it on their own dollar… because in my opinion, it’s more rude for them to take advantage of the open bar, just because it’s on our dollar, than it is for us to make them pay for drinks after they’ve consumed more than enough to impair them.
My question pertains to serving drinks to guests in our home:
My husband and I are having family over to video-chat with his cousins who are getting married on a cruise. We can’t seem to agree on how to serve refreshments. I suggested making iced tea and before I could suggest anything else (I have some great family recipes for homemade refreshments) he said that it wasn’t proper eriquette to serve drinks that are poured out of a pitcher. I have never heard this before. He said that we should provide soft drinks for our younger, school-aged guests and that they should be in cans. We are on a very limited budget and doing so would put quite a dent in our pocket book. That aside, from what I know about entertaining, guests are served in glasses or cups no matter what the drink. So my question is: What is the proper etiquette for serving drinks to house guests?
Some of the most beautiful serving ware I’ve seen are water pitchers and milk pitchers. There are lovely (and valuable) antique silver services out there for both coffee and hot tea. I’ve never heard (historically or recently) that serving out of a pitcher is frowned upon. What do they think of restaurants with a water pitcher?
Personally, my parents were always upset when only soft drinks were provided for my brother and I when we were younger. Soft drinks can be fun, but they are so unhealthy. That said, it is your home, so serve what you are able. A gracious guest will thank you.
Dear Emily,
My best friend is getting married and is currently planning her wedding. We are both 24 years old and have been inseparable best friends since we were 9 years old, attending family funerals, holiday celebrations, graduations, etc. together. This past summer when discussing a mutual friend’s wedding, the topic of our own future weddings arose casually over coffee. She stated that I would be in the wedding party, and then we pondered hypothetical dress options. She became engaged on New Year’s Eve, and is now two months into her summer wedding plans.
She has decided that she is not going to have bridesmaid because she “doesn’t want to include her crazy future-sister in law” and so she is just having a maid of honour (her sister) and her groom has chosen his best friend as his best man so that he didn’t have to choose between his two brothers. She stated that “I still want you to be involved though!” and has asked me to give the wedding toast.
It is her wedding and her decision, so regardless of the fact that I am hurt she didn’t stand up for our 15 year friendship against some future sister-in-law (that lives in another country, and only visits biannually), I still don’t know whether or not to accept the invitation to be the ‘Toaster.’ I am quite frankly nor sure what I will say to a room of guests about our close friendship when I am not even in the wedding. I feel that not accepting is the best way to go because if I’m not in the wedding, I don’t want to feel like some cling-on, but on the other hand, I might regret not being involved in years to come.
Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated,
Kjirstin
I would strongly suggest you accept this as your chance to be in the wedding party. Think of it was being in the wedding, but still getting to pick what you wear.
Please have some empathy about your best friend’s options of standing up to her new family. She is passively avoiding the issue and stressing your long lasting friendship a bit, rather than assertively addressing the real problem. In many cases that would be a bad call, but it is almost certain her new family would interpret this as aggressively cutting them out.
You might let her know you were really looking forward to being in the wedding party, and if she would actually like someone to help out behind the scenes before the big event, you’re happy to do that. Hopefully she will accept and include you in everything but the processional and standing during the ceremony.
My experience in the wedding party of a close friend had a lot to do with preparations and getting to know some of his family and friends, that experience would not have been diminished if I had been given a speaking role at the reception instead of a standing one at the chapel.
Dear Emily,
My best friend of 12 years recently became three months ago and is planning a wedding this summer. We have enjoyed planning out hypothetical weddings our entire lives, and the vision for each of us had always included each other in the bridal party. She surprised me by announcing that she doesn’t want to have a wedding party, and is simply having her sister as her maid of honour. She claims that she was either going to have a bridal party of 7 to include everyone she cared about, or just have a maid of honour, and decided to go with just a maid of honour because having a bridal party just became “too political.”
I was hurt by her decision but I put a smile on my face and accepted her decision. It is her wedding, not mine, and it is not my place to interfere with her wishes since it is her day.
The problem now is that I have recently become engaged and we are planning our wedding for the following summer. We have not announced our engagement yet, because we didn’t want to steal her thunder, and we have plenty of time to announce and plan for it. (We are both graduating from law school this spring, so we want to take the time to savour and enjoy engagement celebrations as well.)
My problem is that I would like a wedding party, and originally have planned on five bridesmaids, with her as the maid of honour. I now have absolutely no desire for her to be in the wedding if I am not a part of hers. How to I broach this gently when we do announce our engagement after her wedding?
~ Oksana
You don’t. She asks those who she wants to be bridemaids to be bridesmaids. You ask those who you wnat to be bridesmaids to be bridesmaids. You should not explain to anyone why they did not make the cut nor should you ask when you do not make the cut.
She is your best friend however and I get the impression that you want her to be a bridesmaid. You should not let her not wanting you to be a bridesmaid stop you from asking her to be a bridesmaid if that is what you want. Let her have the wedding she wants and be greatful you do not have to buy a bridemaids dress and instead can wear something flattering. You plan the wedding you and your FI would like and if that includes her as a bridesmaid then you shoudl ask her if she will do you the favor of being a bridesmaid.