Q: I recently received an invitation to my cousin (Tom)’s wedding. Tom and I are first cousins, although we are not particularly close. We spent time together as kids when our families all lived in NJ together, but we now live in different states. I have seen him only once or twice in the past 20 years. I will not be able to attend Tom’s wedding and I know the etiquette is to send a gift anyway. However, Tom was invited to my wedding 5 years ago, and he did not attend. He also did not send a gift or even a card. He has also never sent a card of congratulations for the birth of either of my two children. I have been angry about his rudeness, and I wonder now if the obligation to send a wedding gift still applies.
A: It is expected that a gift be sent in response to a wedding invitation, whether you attend or not. However, if your sense is that Tom doesn’t recognize or realize this and wish to respond in kind, that is certainly your choice. An alternative might be to send a card of best wishes. You can hope that now that he is marrying he will pay more attention to family matters and be more involved. Sometimes people just don’t “get it” until they experience something themselves. It may seem late in the game, but if it would be nice to resume a closer relationship you wouldn’t want to be the one to cut it off before there is a chance to see if that can happen.
This post is brought to you by Photobook Press. Take a look at the new line of Emily Post Wedding Photobooks. FINE CUSTOM PHOTOBOOKS
Loading ...
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Since there has been very little contact over the past several years, I would not feel guilty at all about not sending a gift. Be sure to respond to the invitation as soon as possible though; all you have to say is that you’re unable to attend. If you’d like to re-establish contact with your cousin it would be nice to send a wedding gift. If you don’t get a thank-you note, or your cousin doesn’t respond in any way, you’ll know that he probably doesn’t want to re-establish contact and you can leave things be.
I have always disagreed with the notion that being invited to a wedding obliges one to give a gift. It wasn’t this person’s choice to be invited, so why should he or she be obligated to give anything? This “rule” also encourages the disturbing trend of couples inviting people they barely know, knowing they won’t attend but will give a gift.
Attending a wedding involves giving a gift. If people don’t want to give a gift, they should have the option of declining the invitation thereby removing the gift-giving obligation.
Winifred: I agree with you 100%. Indeed, I had never heard of the you-have-to-get-a-gift rule until someone directed me to this site. Miss Manners has articulated the much better rule — there is no obligation to send a gift upon receipt of a wedding invitations but one can send a gift if he feels close to the bride or groom and so desires to send that gift.
Tom prob had very little to do with the invite as it is generally the bride that does all that foo-foo stuff. If you are offended by his lack of manners, send him a small gift. But dont stoop to his level and send nothing.
Assuming the groom is not aware of and involved in deciding which of his own relatives is invited to the wedding is unfair and sexist.
Send a card with congrats at the very least but think about sending something small but meaningful as a gift.
I’ve always considered a card or note of congratulations to be a wonderful gift of words, and I would consider that to be the only gift you would be obligated to give.
It would only cost a bit of your time, some paper, and a stamp to be the bigger person in this situation.
I am always surprised at the number of people who claim to know the proper ettiquette for a situation, but then want to do the opposite to “show” someone how badly they acted. Would you be rude to your kids because they were rude to you? Your mom? Shouldn’t the basic ettiquete rules apply to everyone, not just those we feel are “worthy”? Maybe they fell behind in sending thank you’s, and now they are the couple who writes in asking how to send an appropriate thank you 2 years after the wedding? Or maybe he perceived some slight to you previously, just like you are doing to him now, and decided you did not deserve a thank you either. Maybe he hand-addressed the notes and the post office could not read it and it is lost somewhere. What I am saying is, you really don’t know, so you shouldn’t punish someone with rudeness just to make your self feel better about the situation. A wedding gift does not need to be expensive, the ones I remember most dearly are the ones that clearly had some thought put into them.
My boyfriend purposed to me a little less than 2 months ago. My younger sisters boyfriend called me and told me that he is wishing to propose to my sister on their upcoming vacation in 2 weeks. While I am very happy for the them, I am very upset about how close it is to my own engagement. We haven’t had our engagement party, started planning or even had time to enjoy our engagement. I find this timing to be inconsiderate and disrespectful. I have so many concerns around this not just for myself but for my sister and my family, I see this all going badly as far as the overlapping and timing and what it would mean for all parties. I just wish he would give me and my fiance time to enjoy and time to plan our wedding as I am sure my sister would like the same. I wish for us to each have our own special time. I am sure if he follows through with his plans that it will change the entire experience for myself and my sister as well. What is the proper timing of engagements for two sisters who are very close ? Am I crazy to feel like he is being completely rude? How am I supposed to handle this? Thank you for your suggestions.
I don’t want to tell you that you’re crazy, but your relationship is entirely separate than the relationship that your sister has with her boyfriend. He seems like a thoughtful person since he took time to call you to let you in on the good news. You’ve had two months all to yourself – why can’t your family be doubly happy for the both of you now? While I’m not telling you to have to have a double wedding, I hope you can manage to be happy for your younger sister while planning your own festivities. Why would his proposing to your sister change your entire plans? I’m not sure I really understand that remark.
To answer your question, the proper timing of engagements is when each distinct party feels ready to take the plunge. It shouldn’t hinge on other people (though had they announced this at your engagement party, that would be problematic). Bottom line – he isn’t rude. There is nothing wrong with what he is doing. You are supposed to handle this like a mature person and be happy for your sister and her nice boyfriend. I’m curious as to why this can’t be “special time” together – you could make wedding dress and florist appointments together, visit bridal shows, venues, etc.
If in the future they decide to plan their wedding on the same day as yours, or copy your dress and colors and steal your DJ, then I will be the first person to take your side.
It is not inconsiderate nor disrespectful. It is lovely that you and your sister found those that you love be it around teh same time or not.
You can have as much time to plan your wedding as you wish and they can have as much time to plan as they wish. No rules on how long or short the engagements may be. You are supposed to handle it by graciously being happy for your sister and future brother in law.