Open Thread

by epi on October 3, 2011

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This open thread is your space to use as you like. We invite you to discuss current and traditional etiquette. Feel free to ask questions of each other and the community moderators here.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Anonymous, please October 4, 2011 at 11:49 am

I wrote over 130 personal thank you notes to everyone who either a) attended the funeral or b) sent a condolence card. Now I’m being notified that some of these same people also sent a donation to charity in the deceased’s name. Am I obligated to send another thank you card to these people, or is the one I sent before I knew they had made a donation sufficient? Thanks.

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Country Girl October 4, 2011 at 12:53 pm

It is my personal opinion that one thank you note for their concern and care is sufficient. However I would urge you to verbally thank those who made a donation in the deceased’s name stating something like “I wanted to personally thank you again for being there in our time of need. I was just notified that you had made a donation in his/her name as well. How very thoughtful. We really appreciate the gesture.”

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Anonymous, please October 4, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Thank you for your response, Country Girl. Much appreciated. But these are people who I do not know well — professional associates, etc of the deceased. And some of them don’t know me at all, so I would never just pick up the phone and call them. Which means it’s either another note or nothing, I guess.

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Winifred Rosenburg October 4, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Yes you should send additional thank-you notes. But, FYI, if by condolence cards you mean a preprinted card, you needn’t have sent a thank-you note for those, only ones that are personally written.

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Anonymous, please October 4, 2011 at 3:21 pm

No, all were personal notes. Even the ones from people I didn’t know. That’s why I responded to them all personally. But — here’s another question — do I send the same card twice? I had cards that were prepinted on the front but then I wrote a personal note inside. These are the only cards I have. I feel kind of funny sending them the same exact one, even though what I write inside will be different. This is one reason why I was hoping to avoid a second note. Thoughts?

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Winifred Rosenburg October 4, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Using the same cards is fine. No one could expect you to choose different cards for each note.

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Marsha Douglas October 5, 2011 at 10:23 am

My husband and I are celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary by renewing our vows, then hosting a dinner for attendees. The invitation clearly states “no gifts please.” Someone we invited declined to attend, and included a $10 check with the RSVP. I would very much like to return it with a nice note, but I don’t know if this is considered inappropriate.

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Winifred Rosenburg October 5, 2011 at 11:04 am

It is generally not polite to return gifts, with the exception of gifts that are grossly inappropriate and $10 doesn’t seem to fall into that category. You can feel free to donate the money to a charity of your choice if you really don’t want it.

By the way, gifts should not be mentioned on invitations, even to say not to bring them. There is a rumor that when an invitation says “no gifts” it means “bring a gift.” Backwards as it seems, it is possible your effort to discourage gifts has actually encouraged some.

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