Q: Whenever my sister-in-law visits for the weekend, she always brings her dog along. He’s cute, but a major inconvenience. How can I get her to leave the pooch at home without being rude?
A: Hosts aren’t obliged to include their houseguests’ pets in an invitation (unless, of course, it’s a service dog for a disabled person). So next time you invite your sister-in-law, be clear right up front: “Rebecca, I would love to have you come visit this summer. But it will need to be without Pumpkin. I hope you can find a dog sitter for him.” If you wish, explain your reasons: “Sam is allergic to dog hair” or “With three kids in the house, having a dog just makes things a little too crazy. I hope you understand.”
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I would be interested to know what type of inconvenience the dog poses. We are all familiar with the annoying dogs that have not been properly trained: jumping on people, incessant licking, barking, and general mess making. I can understand not wanting a dog visitor if this is the case, or if someone in your household is allergic. However, for many people, their dogs are much like having children: you cannot just leave them at home overnight: inside dogs need to go outside to “do their business” several times a day, they absolutely must be exercised and walked daily, and they need to be fed at least once per day. Boarding a dog every time you want to visit family can add up to a major expense for the owner, not to mention they are missing a part of their own “family” when Pumpkin is left behind. If the dog is of the annoying variety (almost always the fault of the owner), I would suggest helping your sister-in-law find ways to remedy the dog problems, not getting rid of the dog on visits (one great suggestion would be to get her the Ceasar’s Way book – his techniques really work!). Good luck!
Honestly I do not allow dogs i my house or as houseguests. They require a lot of attention and they often piddle when in unfamilur areasa and always leave a gross smell that tends to take weeks to remove. It is great to have a dog if you want one but one of teh burdens of dog ownership is being prepared to board the dog when you go on vacation. To impose the hassle that all dogs( yes even well behaved dogs are a hassle to a non dog house) are is a huge imposition on anyone hosting you. If you want to stay where a dog is welcome then you can stay at one of the motels that allows dogs. Either way the cost of providing a place for teh dog should be a known cost of owning a dog and yes the major expense is one people should consider before taking on the responsibility of a pet. Just like kids are not always welcome at all homes and all events pets are not welcome in all homes and all events . People should not impose on hospitality in bringing unwanted kids or pets places where they are not invited. So a babysitter or dogsitter is a known expense for these types of family members
It should not matter what kind of inconvience, if the hostess does not want a dog when visitors come, then that’s it. I love dogs and used to own one. It was a non shedder, a mini poodle. But now that we have no dogs in the house, we don’t want other’s pets in our home when they come for weekend visits. I don’t appreciate the EXTRA work a visiting dog brings with it. I am a meticulous house keeper and I don’t need EXTRA work from shedding dog hair especially all over the house and the furniture. Not to mention in wet weather the visiting dog would track in all kinds of dirt.
At age 60, it is enough to change extra bed linens and extra generated laundry….to add the extra work of going over all the floors and furniture and getting rid of dog hair is too much!
I totally agree. Well-said!
Interesting commentary. I have always been of the school of thought that, as homeowner, I get to set the rules. If one of my potential guests really really cannot handle being without a member of her non-human family, she is welcome to host at her home or meet me at a neutral site. The short form is “my roof, my rules.”
Of course, there are those who believe that they should be able to use a family member’s vacation home no matter the preferences of the home’s owner. Perhaps that works for some families, but American etiquette imposes no such requirement. Etiquette does not require anyone to “go along to get along.” (Remember, it takes two to disagree.)
I have a dog, and I would never assume that I could bring him with me to others’ homes without first asking permission. And I would also never be offended if my host declined. Dogs are not everyone’s cup of tea!
One suggestion that could be made to the sister is to take her dog to the new kinds of boarding kennels that are opening up, in which dogs of similar size play together for hours while being supervised by the (human) staff. It’s a great way for the dogs to socialize, get a lot of exercise, and avoid the old-style kennels where they were simply cooped up in a cage all day. They normally test new dogs for temperament (a free day of doggy day care!) and they don’t accept aggressive animals. If you pitch it to your sister as ‘good for the dog’ she might be more apt to not take offense.
As a sidenote: I find that because I have dogs of my own, often times houseguests take that as a cue that their dog must certainly be welcome. Even if your hostess is a dog lover, it is still not good etiquette to ask to bring your’s along. The hostess’ pets may have either aggression or intense fear towards other animals, and she may not have the space required to add another to the pack. If you know the hostess well enough to be staying with her, likely she is aware of your pet and will invite him along if she so chooses.
Which brings up the point if your four-legged companion IS invited to stay, be sure to ask for the “house rules” for pets. Maybe the hostess is only comfortable having your pooch for a visit if he remains outside (or in bad weather in the garage). If her rules are not ok with you, than you should find other arrangements. And be sure to always bring food, toys, plastic bags, and possibly even wipes if there are housetraining issues so that you can clean up after your pet and be sure he is entertained so as not to chew on anything!
Pet owners should never ask a hostess in any circumstance to bring a pet to their house for a visit. To ask is appalling. Imposing your pets on other people is unfair. It puts the hostess in an awkward position of saying NO and makes the situation strained. Respect is the key here. Pet owners should have respect of the hostess NOT to even ask!
My suggestion trade with a friend for a few days they take care of your dog you take care of their kids then bring the kids with you
A relative of mine always travels with his dog. He never asks if it is okay. He just shows up with him. On the most recent trip to our house, his dog went bonkers when left alone. He (the relative) did not bring a crate for the dog, did not bring food for the dog (he helped himself to our dog food,) and did not clean up behind his dog when he left puddles in our house. When left alone one evening for about an hour, the dog destroyed the wall-to-wall carpet in the guest room. I noticed it immediately and gave the relative ample time to acknowledge the damage, a day and a half. The night before he left, he asked us what time we would be getting up the next morning. When we told him we were planning to sleep late, he set his alarm for sunrise. He wasn’t counting on me getting up early. He finally said something about it on his way out the door. What made me angry more than the damage was the cowardly way the relative acted. Needless to say, he is no longer welcome in my home. Had he said something earlier, it might be different. (This was also the last straw in years of freeloading and generally poor behavior.) The cost of materials to fix the damage was $650. It would have been more if we hadn’t caught it on an end-of-year sale and if we hired someone to install the new floors.
Just something to think about before traveling with your pets. It may be the one thing that can ruin an already-strained relationship.
I’ve had dogs and cats all my life, have 2 dogs, 4 cats all high maintainence. I wouldn’t dream of bringing any along, although there are family.
I certainly wouldn’t bring them to a home that had pets, as there is a high degree of care involved introducing pets to another’s territory.
JUST LIKE WITH KIDS, some people feel their pets can do no wrong, and don’t think a thing of their pets using the carpets, beds, gardens as their toilet. As above, some tend to ignore the results as if it’s someone else’s job to clean.
In the old days when money was dramatically tighter, it was common to bring the WELL-TRAINED family dog to relatives, but nowadays it’s not. There are three choices: 1) the nice kennels that have social hour, 2) Pet-sitting in your own home while you are gone (my absolute choice now…not all that expensive, pets happy in their own home, I know they are safe and not runaways, 3) motels that accept pets. (AAA guidebooks have the list).
I would tell someone who is bringing a pet those choices and offer to find a close motel that accepts pets. Period.
On the other hand, when guests arrived with an unexpected pet, I bite the bullet for the first visit only and allow them in. I guess I’m too timid to be face-to-face confronting. On any subsequent visit I would be absolute solid in that the pet is not to stay at my home.
We just bought a house, and have friends that want to visit us (with their dog). We have cats, one is very timid, and are afraid the one cat will be afraid to go out into the our yard if it sees or senses or sees a dog there. Having had a dog in the past, we always
traded pet sitting with other friends. The friends visiting us don’t think it is important to train their dog, and the dog is a little crazy..We thought it over and have decided to have a “no pet”policy, which I now will have to tell these friends. We have mutual friends that live near them that have a dog, but I doubt they want to dog sit since our friends dog is not well behaved. Our friends may end up not visiting us., but can’t do about that. We have an RV, and when we visit them, our pets stay inside. We would never assume to let our pets onto their property, or into their home, and we feel the same should apply when they visit us. It’s a tough situation, but I agree with most of your commentary, people should leave their pets at home and not assume you must accept their pet without asking. What do you do with the dog if you go out to dinner? Even if the property has a dog run, the dog wants to be with the owners, and will probably bark. Many dog owners think they should take their dog everywhere, like a baby. I have complained to store owner corp. offices here in Oregon, as it seems people think it’s O.K. to have their 3 large dogs take up an entire ailse in a home improvement store! The employees told me it’s not allowed, and people have been bitten, but I guess they don’t have the you know what to enforce the store policy? Many people now it seems think the “rules” don’t apply to them or about someone else’s point of view. Too bad there isn’t some game or something to teach this, as that would be the only way for them to learn these days, wouldn’t it?
JAH