1. Kay

    A friend had a housewarming party a month ago, and included registry information on the invitation. The registry was for tools, light fixtures, sink faucets, door knobs, yard tools, etc. I was offended, but sent a gift anyway. She is getting married, and I just received the wedding shower invitation. The invitation included registry information- it is the SAME registry as the housewarming party, all the left-over items they didn’t receive, plus they have added christmas decorations- a tree stand, garland, lights, etc. To make matters worse, she is having a extremely expensive destination wedding- about $2,500.00 per couple to attend- so I don’t think she should be asking for gifts or having parties/showers in the first place as everyone is already spending so much money. How do I handle this? I want to tell her how RUDE she is being.

    • Graceandhonor

      It was most gauche of your friend to send registry information in invitations to any event. It is entirely up to you whether you wish to attend the shower; if you don’t, you need not send a gift. If you attend her wedding, you should give a gift, despite the cost to you to attend the destination wedding. You are justified in your feelings, and this bride appears very selfish and overbearing to place so many financial assumptions on her guests. I suspect, though, that your comments on the subject would fall on deaf or angry ears, so only you can decide how you wish to proceed.

    • Just Laura

      I have chosen both to attend destination weddings, and to politely decline the invitation. I am still friends with everyone. But when I attended, I purchased a gift, and shipped it to them later.
      Remember, you don’t have to attend. I don’t know that it is your place to criticize the amount of money someone spends on his/her wedding. Obviously if you don’t agree, don’t go.

  2. Kristine

    I have a question about in-laws. I am new to Emilypost.com so I hope this is the correct place to pose this type of question. I apologize in advance if I am wrong. :)

    My in-laws are, to say the least, very unhygienic people. Their home is wrought with mold and some of which are generally toxic and others I am actually very allergic to. They could very literally kill me if exposed to them. I am an Industrial Hygienist and can recolonize these molds and their symptoms very easily.

    husband is very understanding and realized that neither I, nor our children, can be exposed to these toxins any longer as every time we go over to their home I all come home very ill and my daughter is even showing signs that she is developing asthma.

    How do we tell them that we can’t come inside their house or even be around them too long as the spores attach to their clothing and cause my children and I to get headaches? Its an extremely uncomfortable situation as it could insult them GREATLY if I explain how unsafely they are living. I realize its sort of a unique situation which is why I am searching for help.

    • Tru_Believer

      This is a unique and sensitive situation. As the daughter in-law you need to step back and let your husband speak to his parents privately, calmly and with respect. Perhaps they are truly unaware of the situation or do not know how to resolve the issue. This needs to be handled by your husband. If he has siblings, perhaps they can assist in a calm, helpful discussion with their parents.

  3. Susie

    I have a friend that insists that when you receive a gift of food ( ie: baked goods etc) in a returnable container, that you should always return that container full to reciprocate the gesture as well as including a note of thanks. I can understand that attitude if someone is sending you home with leftovers or something, but if it is a gift, shouldn’t a note of thanks be a sufficient?

    • Graceandhonor

      A gift of food does not have to be reciprocated immediately, though it is nice to remember to do so at another time. One shouldn’t expect a person recovering from an illness to make a casserole right after getting better, for example. A note is sufficient.

  4. Marie

    I have a question and need correct advice. A family member was married two weeks ago; there was another family medical emergency requiring hospitalization the very same weekend. Because we were unable to attend the out-of-state wedding, we sent a very generous cash gift three days after the wedding, using Priority Mail. In today’s email, a third party sent disparaging remarks telling everyone not in attendance to send our cards and gifts promptly! I understand that emotions are high at times like these and with our patriarch near death and matriarch having major surgery tomorrow, this email was highly offensive as well as hurtful. Do I bring this to the bride and groom’s attention? Do I inquire if they received our gift? I’ve never received a message like this before and am truly appalled. The family ties are strained so I don’t want to make matters worse. Thanks in advance for your help.

    • Alicia

      What relationship does the sender of the email have to the bride and groom and what relationship does this mean person have to you and those beloved family members in the hospital? This makes a lot of difference in how I think you should handle the situation. Ranging from telling bride and groom to gracefully telling off rude emailer to doing nothing and just knowing that the emailer is a mean rude individual.
      I hope everyone in your family has the best health outcomes and recovers.

    • Graceandhonor

      It is puzzling, not to mention overbearing, that this 3rd party took it upon herself or was sanctioned to issue an overdue notice for wedding gifts, and I’d ignore that person. I would follow-up with a call to the bride and groom inquiring whether your package was received and say, “I received an email from Gertrude about overdue gifts and that surprised me; I want to be sure you received our check.”

      This scenario illustrates why it is best to always send a wedding gift prior to the wedding day. This insures it is received on time and alleviates one less headache for guests and the wedding party on that hectic day.

      • Tru_Believer

        I would not tell the Bride & Groom no matter who the 3rd party is in the family. It sounds like an unfortunate series of events and the couple may be stressed and harboring guilt. Inappropriate as the 3rd party email was I see no need to let the couple know nor confront the sender. I concur with G&H, ask the couple if they received the gift.

    • Marie

      Thanks to all. We have remained ‘mum’ and not responded to sender or to bride and groom. We received our thank you note already. When the mother of the bride found out about these behind-the-scene emails, she was mortified – but said nothing to the sender. As it turns out, the couple apparently did not receive many gifts or cards, and this was a very small, informal wedding. I think the sender wanted to encourage cards, gifts, etc., but did so offensively and many people were hurt – especially the two family members who went through emergency surgeries that weekend and do not have the use of their dominant/writing arms or hands. It was a poorly thought-out decision by the sender. Thanks for the input and help.

  5. Marla

    a friend of mine, who lives in europe, is planning a huge 40th birthday party…how can i get invited to this party without asking her directly?

    • Graceandhonor

      Call or email and say, “How are you, Yvette? What is new? You have a birthday coming up soon, don’t you? Any special plans?” Maybe she’ll bite.

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