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I have a question similar to “Party pruning: Limiting the guest list.” My boyfriend has been invited to a wedding. The invitation does not include my name, nor does it say “and guest.” Additionally, the response card does not include a place to add a “plus one.” Of course, this indicates to me that I have not been invited.
The issue I have is that I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and 1/2 years, and we have been living together for over a year. I know Emily Post states that: “The spouses, fiances/fiancees, and live-in partners of guests must be included, even if you don’t know them. But you get to decide if you want single, unattached guests to bring dates.” It seems clear to me that this couple has violated the rules of etiquette.
However, it also seems pretty clear to me that the rules of etiquette dictate that I cannot go to this wedding, and that my boyfriend cannot inquire as to whether or not he can bring me.
I am writing this post because I feel so frustrated (and a bit hurt) by this couple. Not only have I been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years (living with him for over 1 year), but I have also met and had lunch on at least one occassion with the groom. This is all compounded by the fact that this same situation happened about six months ago. However, in that situation, I knew the groom even better; we had spent time together on numerous occasssions. I had even talked to him about wedding planning. My boyfriend ended up going to that wedding, and I followed etiquette and stayed behind.
I know the rules of etiquette tell me that I cannot go as a guest to this wedding (which happens to be an out-of-town wedding that requires an 8 hour drive each way). I am just seeking your comments on this matter. And perhaps an answer to the question of how I keep this from happening in the future.
Thank you in advance.
Your boyfriend can decline, and if asked why, state, “Stefanie and I are a couple. I don’t attend social events without her.”
However, the best way to for you to keep this from happening again is to hold a wedding of your own.
Gently,
G&H
This happened to me after being with my boyfriend for 6 years. He was invited to an out of state wedding for college friends (we went to the same college) and I was not invited. I was a bit hurt at first and then I realized that I had never even met the bride and would have to spend an entire weekend with strangers. So then I said “have a great time!” and had a weekend to myself, doing whatever I wanted. People have budgets and money is a real issue these days. Don’t let stuff like this get to you, you will have plenty of events to attend together in the future. Another wedding we went to the bride didn’t remember me even though we met numerous times. So, I was invited but she had no idea who I was, and that stung too. It’s all not worth it.
Good Afternoon Etiquette Folks.
My husband and I are giving a Welcome Baby party for our first grandchild. My husband is the “show up to the party” type not the planner. It started out moderate but is getting out of hand. I asked my husbands Ex-wife (the biological grandmother) if she had a few friends she would like to attend. She gave me quite a list. When my daughter-in-law (DIL) asked to invite some friends I agreed, and received a very long list. My DIL’s mother also asked to invite a few friends and close family. I’m all for a good party and most of the people they would like to come I have met and know will add to the flavor of the day. My DIL picked out the invitation via email, unsolicited, “Oh! I just LOVE this one, don’t you?” It was okay but not my style. Now she has drawn my attention to another thing she would like, that I was never planning on, and making other suggestions as well. I’ve been telling our friends that gifts are not necessary but overheard my DIL saying she was looking forward to all the “loot” she would get from the party.
I’m stressing here. I really want to keep the peace with everyone. Any thoughts on how to handle the unwanted suggestions? The overloaded guest list? The actual day? The lack of expected gifts? If by chance(I’m dreaming here) the other inviters offer to cover some cost do I accept? Then give in to suggestions?
HELP, please.
Sincerely,
Vivian
Since a new baby should not be around a lot of people for the first couple of months, I’d say that is your out to cancel the whole thing. Barring this, go back to each individual who has submitted a list and tell them they have a quota and to wean their lists. This has not been billed as a shower, so DIL should be told not to expect any gifts. I suspect no matter what you do, someone is not going to be happy, so just do what you can to make it nice and hope for the best. Good luck.
One thing to say kindly to the folks offering unwanted suggestions is “Yes I do like that invite/frippery/ect but it is not what I have chosen and I am certain you will like all the details of the event as I am hostessing it.” In other words take these unwanted inputs as suggestions you can gracously ignore. Also when it comes to guest list you can ask then to wean the guest list or you can take back control of the guest list and tell each person that you had to limit the master guest list to not overwhelm the baby and that from their suggested guests you are inviting” and then list which of their guests suggestions you are including.
My husband’s sister (my sister-in-law) is getting married shortly. My husband, my daughter, and I are all in the wedding party. My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. I feel I am pretty close to his family. His family and my immediate family have seen each other often at our family functions. The bride herself has attended Easter at my brother’s house and several other functions when she had no other place to go.
That said, when invitations for her wedding went out the only people from my family they invited were my parents. I only have 2 brothers – with kids they would have had to add 6 people to the guest list. Is that poor etiquette that they were not invited or am I just having hurt feelings?
On top of that, I found out they invited my husbands ex-girlfriend from high school, as well as her husband + children, her parents and her siblings. After hearing this my husband voiced his opinion that they made the wrong choice by leaving my family off and including his ex’s and my mother in law put it all back on the bride choosing who was invited. (FYI- The parent’s of the bride are paying for most of the wedding expenses)
Is this poor etiquette that my family was excluded from the guest list?
Am I off on being angry, and very hurt by this? Or just overly sensitive?
Thoughts?
Your Husbands sister and her groom have no obligation to invite your family to their wedding. Your family is your husbands family but not really your sister in laws family. Honestly there are probably tons of people closer to the bride and groom that they would rather include.It would be very rude of you or your husband to suggest or push to include some very distant non relatives of the bride and groom in their day.
Regarding the brides brothers ex girlfriend. That is an odd relationship to include if that is the only relationship they share. However, it is very likely that the bride or groom is seperatly friends with the brides brother ex. The inclusion of her likely has nothing to do with you or with your husband. Your husband married you. Clearly he has made his choice and the fact that his sister or future brother in law knows his ex should have no bearing on anything.
This is not your wedding and neither you nor your husband should be second guessing the guest list.