Q:I’m a frazzled mess trying to come up with the seating arrangements for my wedding. My mother and stepmother haven’t spoken in ten years. At past functions, we’ve seated them far away from each other to avoid combat, but how do I do that at the church without slighting one?
A: For starters, have a heart-to-heart with each of them ahead of time – perhaps include your father in the stepmother talk – to solicit their “good behavior.” If you keep saying how important it is to you that they make every effort to put animosity aside on this one special day, it’s hard to imagine that they would cause any problems.
Some etiquette guidelines do exist to help you: In most cases, when the bride’s parents are divorced, the parent with whom she lived after the divorce (or the one she’s closer to) sits in the first pew during the ceremony. This is often, but not always, the mother, who is joined by her husband, if she is remarried, and her immediate family. Either directly behind the mother’s contingent (which might fill the first two or three pews) or a few rows away, comes the bride’s father, stepmother, and his immediate family.
There are practical divorced-parent guidelines for the reception too. Use assigned seating, with the table for your mother and stepmother a safe distance apart. I’m sure that on the big day, your sensitivity will be appreciated by all.
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I have a very difficult situation. I am mother of the bride, to whom I’ve been estranged for about 15 years, and this was her choice. Divorce was the precipitating event. My daughter decided to invite me to the wedding, which is out of this country in western Canada. I live on east coast. Bride’s dad has been coordinating wedding plans with groom’s family and I have been for the most part left out of the loop. My other daughter has filled me in on some details as well as my former spouse, altho limited in nature as bride has been very private about details. The invitation was extended to me, as a “guest.” I am not part of the wedding party, nor any of the planning that took place, much to my regret. However, I am pleased I am invited and yet, I am well aware there will be hurdles for me to overcome. Firstly, bride’s dad has a significant other who will be included in the family photos and she will be seated along with the family of bride and groom as well as be part of the rehearsal dinner etc. I am seated along with my other daughter (as she chose to not be a bridesmaid– for a variety of reasons) and distant relatives of bride’s dad and a couple to whom I have been long term friends. Bride has indicated to me via email that she has ordered a corsage for me and is willing to have some “informal pix” taken after ceremony. The wedding is in one week and I have trepidations. I had almost considered not attending but I came to conclusion I might regret that decision down the road etc. I reached out to the groom’s mom some time ago and she merely wrote back saying she was looking forward to meeting me. I had reached out to daughter as well as groom’s mom offering any assistance in planning etc., but was told everything was under control, so I backed off.
Any suggestions as to how I should or can proceed? I know this will be a very emotional time for me, especially when I see the bride’s dad’s significant other seated with the bride and groom. I do not know if she will be walking bride down the aisle along with bride’s dad. THis is not known to me as yet. I am not sure as to how many surprises I will be able to handle. HELP.
Dear Lisa,
I am sorry for your pain, but encourage you to do your best to control your feelings. It is obvious the olive branch has been extended to you and this could be the beginning of repairing your relationship with your daughter. It is sad there may be another woman (your ex’s s.o.) in the position that might have been yours, but I encourage you to concentrate on the more important issue of your renewed relationship with your daughter. You should attend, and conduct yourself in a positive way. You will be very glad you did.
Supportively,
G&H
What do you do with an unwanted guest, who was told they were not getting an invitation to the wedding? The wedding is in Ontario, Canada. This uninvited person lives in Florida, and is bi-polar. We believe she is not taking her medicine and still acting out. The bride verbalized to this uninvited person she was not extending an invitation. However, news has gotten back to me, (Mother of the Bride) that this person is making arrangements to fly to Ontario, to attend my daughters wedding. This is my daughters big day and I do not want anything or anyone to ruin her wedding.
A call to this person’s closest relative is in order, enlisting their assistance in deterring this person from boarding a plane. If this fails, as regrettable as this will be, security services should be enlisted. Unusual circumstances do require heightened solutions. I can understand your concern.
My situation regarding my upcoming wedding is basically the other side of Joy’s, although I’m sure with different circumstances. I am the bride, and have a strained relationship with my mother, as she decided to up and leave my dad while I was a junior in high school after 20-something years of marriage. My only sibling, my older brother was away at college. I attended an extremely small private school where mother-daughter events were a central part of senior year. Instead of sticking around, she moved 1100 miles away to marry a man she met on the internet, and we later discovered she began a long distance relationship with him long before leaving my father. Dad attended every mother-daughter event with me during my senior year, made my scrapbooks, and has been the most amazing and supportive father a girl could dream of. I’ve appeased her by keeping up a relationship with her by phone, but prefer to keep her at a distance to avoid her drama. Dad has kept things civil between them, never said a negative word about her, and is very friendly to her when she decides to grace us with her presence. In turn, she pretends to be friendly to him and his significant other of 7 years to their faces (Dad’s s.o. has blended into our family beautifully), but attempts to wage emotional and pyschological warfare by speaking negatively of him and his s.o., accusing me and my brother of playing favorites, etc. She’s convinced everyone is out to get her. She’s nothing but drama. What did she expect? She left and Dad picked up the pieces, not to mention, 100% finacially supported us. Now that I’m planning my wedding, I’m actually relieved she lives so far away. She’s overbearing and would’ve been difficult to keep at bay because of her drama. She likes to throw a fit and cry, literally, when I gently tell her I don’t need her help or input. On the other hand, Dad’s s.o. is a decorator and has been extremely helpful in the wedding planning without being overbearing. I’ve taken extreme care to include my mother in key planning moments, and I even made sure we shopped for and bought my dress together while she was in town one weekend. Dad’s s.o. has been really great and sympathetic about the whole situation. She knows I’d love to include her more, but can’t or my mother would lose it. My most pressing dilemma is how I should handle the procession and seating of parents during the ceremony, and the wording of the program. Dad and his s.o. are not married, but I would like to honor her as if she were my step-mother. I love my mother and am not looking to hurt her feelings, but I know this is inevitable. I know in most situations the bride is generally closer to her mother, so I’m having difficulty finding suggestions for a bride closer to her father, especially when he’s not married to his s.o. I apologize for the length, but I greatly appreciate any suggestions and advice.
Dear Bride, You are to be commended for your clear-headed assessment of your situation. However, it is substantively like the original poster who inquired about non-speaking relatives. Since you lived with your father, and he saw to your needs after your mother left, it is proper to seat him and his s.o. in the first pew. Obviously this means an usher should seat her there before the ceremony begins and your father join her after he walks you down the aisle. They should follow your wedding party in the recession.
Your mother should be seated in the pew behind your father and his s.o., or if you think a buffer necessary, a couple of rows back beyond that. She should follow your father and his s.o. in the recession.
As for your reception, assigned seating will direct your mother.
Remain calm and do not let your mother usurp your authority, and rely on your father to be your advocate. I hope it comforts you to remember that often what we imagine is more awful than what is eventually reality. Best wishes for a long and happy marriage!
G&H
We are trying to figure out seating for our wedding ceremony. My finance has a large family with several divorces in the family and I am not too sure how to handle the seating.
First, his parents are divorced and his Mother and Stepmother have never met. His parents do talk when necessary and are cordial to each other. My finance is not particularly close with his Stepmother, but they do get along. His father is his Best Man. I read above that his Mother is seated in the first pew, followed by her immediate family and then his Father’s family. This would put his Stepmother in the 5th or 6th pew out of 6 reserved. Is that too far back and should I try to sit her closer even if it would mean sitting her in the same pew with one of his Aunts (his Mother’s sister)?
The second seating issue is that one brother on his side (who is a Groomsman) just recently got divorced and remarried. His daughter from his first marriage is our Flower Girl. Do I sit both the new wife and the ex-wife in the reserved section, just in separate pews? If so, who sits closer, the new wife or the mother of the Flower Girl?
Thank you for your help!
Okay, Bride, here goes! Seat everyone from his mother to his stepmother as you’ve described, unless his mother states beforehand she’d like some/one of her relative(s) to sit with her since she is coming solo. (I’m assuming she does not have a husband or s.o.) The stepmother will be seated after his mother and her relatives are decided. Do not seat the stepmother with the mother’s relatives.
Seat the flower girl’s mother closer to the front of the reserved section than the new wife of his brother. His ex-wife shouldn’t be made to feel like an old shoe at a wedding in which her child participates. However, this may upset the new wife, so you and your fiance should decide how you want to handle this and then your fiance should tell his brother so there are no last minute ruffled feathers.
Best wishes to you both for a long and happy marriage!
G&H
Our wedding is taking place in 4 months and I just found out that my father and stepmother are headed for divorce. I am not close with her and would be perfectly happy for her to not be at our wedding, but my father seems to think that she should still be invited if they have not yet filed for divorce. As of now, they are just seperated and I am planning to send the invites out in about 4 weeks. I don’t want any awkwardness or drama at my wedding and would prefer that she not attend.
How should I handle this situation?
Three months ahead of the wedding is very early to mail invitations, so why don’t you mail your father’s six weeks later; maybe by then they will be fully separated and that will be your out. Still, I believe in this situation, I would not invite your father’s soon to be ex.
Thank you!
I forgot to mention that it is a destination wedding. Is three months still too early to send out the invites?
Since your father surely knows of your wedding date and location, I say wait on sending his for the reasons we’ve discussed. Have a conversation with him in the meantime about your reasons for doing so and his own travel arrangements. Surely you are in communication about all this with him? Maybe his soon to be ex wouldn’t be coming anyway. But, yes, go ahead and mail to your other guests.
Help! I am the mother of the groom and need an answer today for our Rehearsal Dinner planned for 7/1/11. What is the etiquette for seating at the Head Table for the Rehearsal Dinner. Who is to be seated at the Head Table for this event in addition to the Bride and Groom? Are parents of Bride and Groom to be seated at the Head Table? Please reply as soon as possible.
It is up to the host and hostess. Anything the host and hostess wishes is fine.
Some reasonable options
1.Bride/ groom, mother of bride/father of bride, mother of groom/father of groom(maybe add in grandparents depending on size of tables ect)
2. Bride/ groom, maid of honor+ date, best man + date, maybe other bridesmaids and groomsmen and dates depending on size of tables. Then each set of parents would be at the head of their own tables. ( this would also work well in case of divorces)
I am directing a wedding in which the groom would like to recoginze a couple who was instrumental in raising him. He would like to list them on the wedding program under his parents. How would it be appropriate to refer to them? They are not his parents. His father is not in the picture. His biological mother is remarried and will be listed with her husband. The woman who actually raised him will be there with her husband and is listed as well. Any help would be appreciated.
How about, “My (or bridegroom’s name, i.e. Steve’s) loving guardians and lifelong mentors, Mr. And Mrs. John Smith”?