Q: I’ve been invited to the wedding of a cousin I haven’t seen in years and whom I haven’t invited to any of my celebrations. I can’t attend and was planning to simply send a congratulations card, but my mom thinks I’m obligated to send a gift. Do I really have to?
A: No, you don’t “have to” if the only reason you’re giving the gift is that you feel pressured to do so. That’s contrary to the spirit of giving. It should be done entirely by choice, inspired by affection for the recipient, the customs appropriate to the occasion, and the giver’s monetary means.
However, when you’re invited to a wedding, the time-honored tradition is to send a gift, whether or not you attend – unless you and the person extending the invitation have lost track of each other, as seems to be the case here. By the same token, one would normally send a present to a relative unless you’re completely out of touch.
Loading ...
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Hello,
I would like to know what to do in the case where one or more people are walking down the street towards me and they do not fall into position, single file. Instead, I am forced off the sidewalk, either onto the curb or grass.
One time I saw someone in this predicament stop and turn around, doing an about-face, so that the two people coming towards her had to walk around her.
Do you think this is the correct option? I don’t want to stand my position and create a face-off.
Thanks much,
Hi, Jeannie,
It is funny that you write about this question, as I have just experienced the same thing while on a brief vacation in an active downtown center, where lots of people of all ages were milling about, sometimes on narrow walkways or pedestrian bridges. In most cases, oncoming parties fell in line single file to the right and we all passed unimpeded. But, several times, I came face to face with individuals who appeared clueless as to why they found themselves at a sudden standstill. In most cases these were much younger adolescents, who eventually figured out what to do. But in a few instances, it was apparent the adults were oblivious to simple courtesies. Where I could, I simply moved to the right; where I couldn’t, I stopped, and they eventually stepped aside. So, I’d say accommodate the oblivious when you can, and when you can’t, stand quietly until they wake up.
G&H
Unfortunately, you sometimes just have to chalk it up to rudeness and/or power-struggle behavior from the oncoming stranger(s). Not wanting to pick a side or ignoring those around them while walking on a public sidewalk is impolite and lacking in social graces. I would just assume that these individuals either don’t know any better or prefer not to be polite, and be the better person: walk off the sidewalk and around them. Unless it is unsafe or unhealthy for you to do so, I don’t think it is worth ruining your day over to have a “sidewalk confrontation” in stopping and waiting for someone to acknowledge their error.
I have an ongoing problem with my mother in law. Our family often gets together for various and sundry gift giving events. When I give a gift, I frankly don’t care whether or not I get a thank you card unless I have sent something by post and I am not sure whether or not it reached it’s destination. This is usually resolved as in most cases I speak to most of the people to whom I send gifts regularly and they thank me verbally. This brings me to the crux of the problem. My mother in law is never satisfied with a verbal thank you when we are together, no matter how effusive that thank you might be. She requires a written and snail mailed thank you, and it better not be, “terse”.
I was recently called on the carpet when visiting her for the failure of my now 19 year old son for not writing a thank you card a year ago for a graduation gift. My husband, who was present at the time, told his mother that my son had thanked her very nicely at the time the gift was given, and that in addition, he remembered posting an additional thank you card my son had written to her for the same gift. She insisted she had not received one. I asked my son to write her another card, and he has refused, saying things are getting absurd.
It seems to me, at this point, that my mother in law keeps some kind of scorecard. She has been telling me for years about the lovely thank you cards she receives from her sister’s daughter and her great nieces and nephews, and than baldly draws a correlation between me and her grandchildren.
This situation seems to be getting worse as she ages, and I would really like advice on what to say regarding this etiquette issue. Is it really necessary to thank someone verbally, then in writing by snail mail, and what would be considered too short (as she complains the thank you’s are not lengthy enough). At this point I just wish she would stop giving gifts.
At the risk of being terse, a verbal thank you does not absolve one of written thanks; perhaps if your son had seen this graciousness displayed by his parents, this important life skill and attitude would now be genuine habit.
I was taught that a thank-you note is completely unnecessary if the gift was opened in front of the giver and thanks were given in person. To send a written note also would be redundant and inappropriate.
Deb,
Your MIL has made it clear that thank you notes really matter to her. Perhaps she failed to teach this to her son when he was younger but it still matters to her. Is it really that hard to please a woman who matters to you and your family by writing a note for every gift? To ask your son to write notes for the same reason to please his grandma? To have your husband write notes on the behalf of you as a couple? Stop stressing about these notes and just take pen to paper and write the notes. It is easy enough an action to please a woman who will not be with you forever. Techically if it is needed or not should not matter what should matter is that in 2 minutes while the coffee is perking you can perform an action that would make this lady you care about happy. You can teach that same lesson that performing small actions that show how much you care is part of family to your son as well. Thank you notes and cards are a way this woman percieves as showing caring. Just go along and make her happy.
One great lesson in life is how sometimes the written sentiment can matter to folks.
Brava, Alicia, brava!!!
HELP!!! i HAVE A male friend who is getting married for the 3 rd time.. first wife he divorced,2nd wife – my best friend,died and 3rd wife to be is not nice.. he is having another big wedding num 3 and I don’t feel comfortable with it.what do you give as a gift for wedding num 3??. i ave given eac time and i am sick of it.he is in his 50′s and she is i believe in her late 40′s.. she doesn’t like any of his friends so therefore he never calls or visits,ect..but we all know we are on the invite list for october..
We’ll hope, since this couple is older and hopefully domestically settled, that they’ll get the word out for no gifts. If they don’t, and you don’t plan to attend, in this case, I’d send my regrets and best wishes. If you do attend, do send something moderate, i.e. a small set of simple glassware. And do put on a smile for your friend; it sounds as though he’s had a rough time in the luv department.
Since this is wedding 3 they probably have all the housewares they need. Why not give something like a hot air balloon ride or dinner at his favorite resturant. An experience rather then stuff. Also since this lady is getting married to one of your friends it makes a lot of sense to try and reach out to her as much as possible. Making friends with her is one way to strengthen your current friendship with the groom. So perhaps organize a lunch in the brides honor for the group of you that are friends of the groom to make her feel more welcome and included.
Question: My cousin got married 2 years ago. My aunt only invited her immediate family as well as the aunts and uncles only. All of us “cousins” were not invited to the wedding. My Aunt, who paid for my cousins wedding, still to this day feels that we the cousins owe my cousin a gift for getting married.
Can someone please tell me if we are responsible for sending a gift even though we were not invited to the wedding and are not close with the cousin??????
No. Only invited guests are required to give a gift. Uninvited cousins could have given a gift, but that is their choice to make.