Q: I have a ten-year-old daughter, and I want to know if you think she should attend her uncle’s memorial service?
A: Most 10-year-olds are ready for this experience, as long as they are accompanied by a parent or someone else close to them. If you decide to let her attend, prepare your daughter by letting her know what the service involves and address any questions she may have. It’s worth noting that some communities and faiths choose to use an open casket for their funeral services. If you don’t feel comfortable having your daughter view an open casket, skip the viewing and simply attend the service. This is also an opportunity to teach your daughter how to write a sympathy note.
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I would consider the family as well. Your 10 year old can almost certainly handle herself. However is it better or worse for which ever of you lost your brother if she attends? Will it be better or worse for any cousins she has who might have just lost their father if she attends? Different families react to greif differently. So think about not just if she can handle it ( she probably can) but if it would be a comfort or not to the aunt,cousins, grandparents, and parent of hers who are primary mourners.
To whom is the child writing a note of condolence? Last I checked, the niece-uncle relationship was close enough so that the child is one of the bereaved.
Jerry,
The 10 year old is clearly writing a condolence note to her aunt if the uncle was married, to her grandparents if not. Perhaps if she has cousins that are the kids of the uncle she might write to them as well. If you as an adult lost an uncle whom would you write a condolence note to? The kid can be taught to write a note to those people. Yes she is amoung the bereved but then again so are all those whom are writing condolence notes and who will attend the funeral. Being amoung the bereaved is no reason not to write a note to those that are even closer to the person who has passed away.
Sorry, Alicia — my question was rhetorical. One is either close to one’s immediate family or one is not. And close family members do not owe each other notes of condolence based on a Victorian notion that there are degrees of closeness due to blood or marriage. (In the unfortunate event that one of my uncles passed away I would be at the funeral and spend some time in the area to make sure my aunt and cousins were ok. But I tend to show my feelings through actions, not through notes.)
As for the funeral question, funerals are for the living, not the dead. If the daughter had any sort of relationship with her uncle, she should be allowed to go and say goodbye.
When I go to funerals connected with my church (or other churches that we fellowship with), there are always many children of all ages in attendance. However, at funerals that are non-religious or of other denominations, I rarely see children. I think this is really sad because many children grow up having no idea what death really means. I even have a relative who attended a funeral home visitation for the first time in her late 30′s! My children (8 and 12) have been going to funerals since they were old enough to sit quietly (about 3 or 4 years old).
This is not something that is done because people enjoy it, but in respect to the bereaved family and I believe that children should learn this from a young age.
When I was five my grandma passed away. We lived, literally, across the street from the cemetary in our small town. My parents made me stay home (by myself) from the funeral at the gravesite. I watched through the window from across the street anyway. I was very confused at their decision to not include me and I was upset because I obviously knew she died and felt it was unfair that I was unable to have that closure….yes, even at five years old. Sometimes people dont give kids enough credit for being able to understand things – especially such a basic thing like death. Pets die, people die and there is no way around that. I told my parents that at some later date, and was glad I did because after that they had no problem allowing me to attend my Uncle’s funeral, who died two years later.
A lovely and thoughtful reply, Camille, as usual.