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Recently, I was invited to stay with my best friend as I visited her in another state. Once I arrived, it was made very clear that if I wanted anything to eat or drink, I’d need to buy it for myself. After that, her husband refused to turn the heat on, despite it being winter and 30 degrees in the house at night. They never left any hot water for me to shower, and would wake up extra early to eat breakfast without me. Better yet, my friend told me she was broke, so I wound up paying for all of her meals and recreation.
After 3 sleepless, miserable nights, I went to a hotel.
I had planned to take them out to a nice dinner on my last night, but I changed my mind after I moved to the hotel. Normally, I’d send a thank you card and a small gift. Right now, I am so resentful at how I was treated and all of the extra expenses that I have no plans of sending anything. Am I wrong to do this?
In my opinion, being invited to stay with someone at their home includes the use of their bathroom (including hot water), heating/air conditioning and minimally a breakfast meal. These are the minimal amenities to make a house guest feel comfortable. For whatever reason, it seems the invitation was somewhat withdrawn once you arrived. Understandably you would not want to send any kind of thank you or acknowledgment but to save the friendship as well as get the resentment off your chest, perhaps you could tell your friend why your visit with her was less than ideal and allow her to offer you an explanation, if any would be forthcoming.
I am sorry that your trip was such a dud. It sounds like you found yourself in the middle of bad situation that was not entirely of your making. When faced with a question about how to handle something like this I always try to think about both sides of the situation. This must have been very difficult for your hosts as well. They may have been embarrassed about their situation and obviously weren’t communicating very well with you about anything beyond their most basic needs. It sounds like they are having very serious financial trouble and are just barely taking care of themselves at the moment. I don’t know the nature of the initial invitation that you received but I think you did the right thing by removing yourself from the home and taking care of your own accommodations once you realized that your hosts were not able to truly host you. While you clearly don’t owe them a house gift please consider sending a note acknowledging the time they did open their home to you. It might save the friendship and begin a process of healing after this awkward visit.
I would have left after the first night. I find their behavior rude and embarassing even if they are having financial problems. She should not have extended the invitation in the first place if it was going to be a problem. A short thank you note as indicated is sufficient, at best.
I am in the process of creating birth announcements for my daughter who was stillborn in January. Would it be appropriate for me to suggest that memorial donations be made to a certain pregnancy and infant loss charity? If , how should should I word it?
I am very sorry for your loss and I am sure your friends and family are, too. I am also sure they know of your loss by now. May I suggest that you contact the charity you mention and ask if they can coordinate a solicitation with you to send your friends and family? This may be less difficult to bear for both you and the recipients (though certainly no less heartfelt), rather than sending birth announcements. My sincere condolences, G&H.
I hope I’ve sent this question to the correct place. If I haven’t, please accept my apology. Here it goes:
I have been the family genealogist for a few decades and have compiled a lot of information over the years. Before my mother died, I asked her if I could be in charge of the “family archives” and she said yes. It has been in my heart since then to put together information for each family to pass on to their children. After my parents died, I asked my nephews and nieces when a good time to have a family reunion would be, and they all agreed on July 4th. So over two years ago I began planning a private family reunion for the offspring and spouses of my parents.
I’ve put hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars into this private reunion. I discovered a few months ago that the family made some assumptions about who is invited. I had to draw the line at a place where I knew it would be difficult but I in no way thought my family would be offended. It was difficult, but I drew the line at the direct offspring. All of our children are grown, left the home and most have children of their own. I did not invite my two sisters’ step children who never lived in either of my sister’s homes. I also didn’t invite my deceased husband’s father, with whom I am close.
One of the days will be spent at a park lodge, where I will present to each family a hand decorated box, each filled with a hand-painted family tree, a hand made book about each family as far back as I have information on, a “birthdate” box with each person’s name, address, and date of birth, a tee shirt with a family motto that we are all voting on, as well as other objects. The next day I purchased tickets for everyone at a local nationally famous amusement park, and since someone expressed a concern that we wouldn’t have much time together as a family, I purchased a shelter for several hours, a buffet, and free drinks during a five hour span within the shelter.
One of my sisters and her husband have decided to make a problem out of where I drew the line, since her adult step children aren’t invited. I asked them both to forgive me but I had to draw the line somewhere. They threatened to bring in the rest of the family to make their point, and they have. Now I’ve gotten an angry phone call from a niece about it, and she believes that everyone in her generation will be upset about my choice. When I sent out the information for the family votes, I included a very kind explanation about why I’m hosting this two-day party, and offered to supply contact information should anyone want to add additional days. My one angry sister and her husband are not offering to add an additional party.
I believe this is just another symptom of my family issues. I’m the youngest, and my entire life has been spent giving everyone what they want, and this is one of the rare times when I’m so passionate about something that I’m sticking to my decision.
But is it worth the problems that my sister and her husband are causing for my family? I’m deeply hurt and want to know what the best way to handle this issue is.
Becky, I can certainly understand your hurt. You have gone to extraordinary lengths and care for those you have invited. It is puzzling that grown stepchildren have become a major blockage in this event.
Your intentions are admirable and your decision about the guest list reasonable. However, it has been my observation in my own family that the older generations often know most of the family lore when we get together for reunions. The ones that really need to hear it are the younger generations and like many things in the modern world, family lore that is passed down is less and less. Perhaps you might want to consider this and come up with a way to broaden the scope of your gathering. I would encourage you to invite others in your family from each generation to assist you in this. And, by all means, charge your committee with the responsibility of figuring out how to fund it. And, remember, this is a chance to establish pleasant memories of you for all those in attendance. Best of luck, G&H
Re: Lola staying with best friend
I disagree regarding the advice to this question. I think that a good friend would have disclosed well beforehand the situation to the invited guest so that this guest could determine for herself if she should consider the expense of a hotel when traveling to another state to visit her. Regardless of whether the invited guest could afford to move to a hotel, the original invitation was to stay at her home. Apparently there is some kind of communication issue between friends that the inviting friend could not speak more plainly about what to expect should she stay with her. Furthermore, I don’t think there is any excuse for turning the heat off in winter! I am assuming that they turned the heat back on after the guest moved to a hotel. I find that behavior pretty hostile, regardless of the circumstances.
Since writing the above post my sister has “upped her campaign” to force me to invite her two adult step-children to my genealogy/private family reunion. She now has her daughter-in-law sending out emails to the family offering to pay for admission to the amusement park and food, then the daughter-in-law asks at the end of the email “does anyone mind?” I do!!! I’m the one throwing this shindig–I didn’t know other people had the right to invite people to my party! It has never been that I can’t afford to pay for them; I drew the line where I did for a reason. Help!
Regarding the comment about people asking others how much they paid for their houses, no need to ask. It is public information and readily available on line.
Becky C. I think you should have included all of the children in this gathering. Of course it is your party, but I consider my step-children “my” children. I would be terribly offended if my sibling excluded them. At this point, I think your siblings should just decline your invitation. I hope they continue to include you in family events to prevent an all out family war.
I understand where Becky C. is coming from. When you have a party of any sort and someone makes a fuss because someone else is not invited, it puts you in a defensive mode. You feel like you are being censured for having your own plans. When I married, I invited everyone to the wedding and reception, for the dance, I made arrangements for entertainment, overnight childcare and food for all children under 16. I did not feel I wanted children at the dance. I was told by a cousin, but “my daughter is invited, right.” I said no, not even my children under 16 are invited. She said we had your kids at my dance. I said, that was your choice, you had everyone’s children at your dance. She said, “if my daughter can’t come, we can’t.” I said, I am so sorry you feel that way. She did come, minus her daughter, and had a good time.
However I understand where the sister is coming from also. As a step mother, I have always tried to make my step daughters feel they are a complete part of our family even though they do not live there full time. The had the same rules, the same rights and the same responsibilities of my children who lived with me full time. I include them as my children and would be somewhat offended if someone invited me to a “family reunion” and excluded them. However, had Becky C. billed this as a different type of event, perhaps then her sister would not feel a part of her family was being ignored. Sort of like if I invite my friends A&B to dinner but not their children or friends C&D. However, hosting an event over a holiday that excludes some family members was probably not good thinking as different families have different views of how holidays are spent. (The 4th of July is always a big family celebration for us, as it is close to one member’s birthday and we turn it into a celebration of that as well–his choice, he always wanted to wait and have his bday when the fireworks were. In time it became tradition, even though he grew up and moved away.)
Her sister is wrong to try to change the party by issuing her own invites and offering to pay their share. Her sister is certainly allowed to have her own “reunion” including whomever she feels she would like to include, she was also free to decide not to come. But to undermine an event planned and paid for by someone else is purely poor manners.
This is a thoughtful analysis Michele.
Thank you for offering this perspective. I was hoping to get the perspective of a step parent or child about this question.
Thank you so much for your responses. I’ve read them all a few times and I’m still confused. I want to do the right thing. Please walk me through this… Am I supposed to invite both of my sisters’ step-children? Do I also invite and pay for a guest they may choose to bring? If I am to invite them is it okay for me to ask my sisters for their step-children’s home address so that I may personally invite them (something that one of my sisters has never allowed) or should I allow my sisters to invite them? Do I include them in the votes for the Family Creed? Do I share the family medical history with them (this history is done anonymously by generation–we have a lot of health issues in the family)?
Do I allow my cousins and her families to come (she found out about it from one of my brothers and assumed they were invited). Do I pay for them? Since they all live in another state do I set up and pay for lodging?
I’m the kind of person who has to do the right thing, which is why I turned to the Post family for an answer. This is the first time I’ve been so passionate about what I’m doing that I’ve actually drawn a line. I’m usually all-inclusive and have a difficult time turning people away. And I usually give my one sister everything she wants. So please help me to understand what the right thing is, and how far I need to go. Thank you.
Becky,
I’ve read all the responses to your dilemma and it is no wonder you are confused. There are a lot of issues swirling here. I’m going to try to help you with each question you’ve raised here:
1. “Am I supposed to invite my sister’s step-children?” My original response of being puzzled about why they were expected to be included is because they are GROWN. It would be entirely different if they were minors and living in your sister’s home. I don’t attend every family event my parents do because I don’t live with them! However, it is evident your sister is quite upset about this and for that reason, go ahead and invite them. It is correct that she should not have foisted this upon you as you are the originating host, but then again, because it is a “family” reunion, everyone in it has a stake in ownership. Its also interesting to note that many people take no interest in helping with all the work and expense in pulling off an event such as yours, but feel the right to dictate its terms.
2. “Do I also invite and pay for a guest they may choose to bring?” No. You are bending enough and this is not a generic social event. If you get wind they are intending to bring someone anyway, respond, “Please let me know their names for nametags, and send a check to me now for $___ so that I can buy for them.” If they don’t send you a check in advance, ask for it at the reception table.
3. As for invitations mailed to adult children and your sister not providing their addresses, then don’t send them one! If they show up anyway, ask for $___ from them at the reception table. (You’ll need to know what your per person costs are in advance.)
4. As for voting for the family creed, I say take a ballot from everyone, tally it to your original guest list, and announce the winner via email later.
5. Re family medical history: Provide a synopsis of it to each senior sibling, along with an announcement they should share it with their own progeny.
6. As for your cousin coming, I would call her and laughingly say, “This reunion is getting much larger than I had planned for, but if you want to come, please do. The cost is $___ per person and you can make your room reservations at 1-800….”
I fully understand your good intentions and reasons for structuring this event as you did originally, but you have been hijacked and we are now in damage control mode. Just remember:
1. Stick to your guns about interlopers paying their own way.
2. Do not try to make extra of all the special momentos for interlopers that you have made for your original invitees.
3. Attendees ought to understand there are certain privileges older family members get that others do not. Enlist someone as an ally who understands this.
4. DO NOT TAKE ON THE FINANCIAL BURDEN ALONE.
5. Smile. Let it go. Smile. Before adjourning, vote on who organizes the next reunion. Smile.
6. Don’t expect acknowledgement of your work, but SMILE if you get it.
PLEASE let us hear from you…Your friend, Graceandhonor
Dear Grace and Honor,
Thank you so very much for helping me! My heart has been broken and I haven’t been able to see clearly and you have helped my vision tremendously!!!
I will follow your advice. I agree it is damage control at this point and I think you’ve brought excellent compromises to me. I will smile!!! My heart is lightened now!
Bless you,
Becky C.
You are very welcome, Becky. All your friends here at ED are pulling for you!