Welcome to Etiquette Daily
This open thread is your space to use as you like. We invite you to discuss current and traditional etiquette. Feel free to ask questions of each other and the community moderators here.
Open thread
Emily's Tweets
- The Well Mannered Wedding http://t.co/1FezWiDF via @NYTimes #weddingetiquette
- How Not To Annoy People Via E-Mail http://t.co/AygjBgDK via @CNN
- The Gift of Good Manners
- French Fries – How Do I Eat Them?There are many foods that present a classic dilemma for diners young and old. The question is, “fork or fingers?” The answer is sometimes definitive – you definitely eat your peas and mashed potatoes with a fork. That’s a no-brainer. But how about french fries? It’s a sometimes fingers/sometimes forks answer: If the food the […]
- New Possibilities in a New YearHello All, A new year is an exciting time. It offers all sorts of possibilities and a fresh start. 2012 is particularly exciting in the new possibilities it offers me. After 12 years co-directing the Emily Post Institute with my brother Peter and my sister-in-law Peggy (married to a different brother), I am retiring from management […]
- Happy HolidaysHolidays bring festivities, breaks from routine, and opportunities to spend time with family and friends. We share meals, exchange gifts, and connect with people we see infrequently. I know kids and staff will enjoy a break from the routine school schedule, employees at businesses that take a break during this season will enjoy their time […]
- French Fries – How Do I Eat Them?
Emily Post 2012 Calendar
Subscribe
-
-
Polls
Loading ...-
PhotoBook
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Is it all right to refuse to accept a gift? I work with a small group of women, and one woman in particular has been blatantly rude to me since she started, going so far as to call my work “worthless” in a staff meeting and excluding me from group lunches to which everyone else is invited. However, at Christmas she gave everyone, including me, a small gift bag with an inexpensive gift. Since she didn’t attach a card, I only found it was from her because other people asked who the bag was from. I never thanked her because it was anonymous, I didn’t know why she had given it to me given her past behavior, and I’m very uncomfortable talking to her. I have discussed this situation with my manager, and it seems to have made her less vocal but no less unfriendly. Now my birthday is coming up, and there is a practice of everyone having some kind of treat and small gifts, and I really don’t want anything from her. Is it all right to simply say, “No, but thank you for the thought,” or something similar when someone gives you a gift most likely as a result feeling obligated to in some way?
Personal conflicts in the workplace can be difficult to handle. I would advise against refusing a small gift from your coworker unless there is something inappropriate about the gift itself. You will probably have to continue working with this person and it would be best not to escalate the degree of animosity between you. Gifts that are meant to curry favor, are illegal, or are deeply offensive should of course be returned. Gifts that are appropriately given (for example – as part of an accepted office tradition) should be accepted in the same spirit of generosity that they ought to be given with. Your coworkers rude behavior does not give license for you to return the bad behavior. I would make an effort to both accept the gift and to thank your coworker in an appropriate fashion. At The Emily Post Institute we often talk about how the best test of ones grace comes when confronted by the rude behavior of others. These are the little moments when we all get to give voice to our better nature and respond with the type of treatment we would hope to be receiving ourselves.
Would it be innapropriate to have a cake for someone at a shower which is for someone else? It will be a casual shower.
I think the answer would depend on how casual the shower is and how the guest of honor, host, and other guests feel about it. Close family and friends might decide to take care of celebrating two special occasions when they get together without hurting feelings. On the other hand this could also be deeply offensive if the host, guest of honor, or other guess felt that the experience of the shower had been diminished. If you decide to go forward with this idea, I would proceed with extreme caution and abandon the plan if it appears to be getting any kind of unfavorable response.
Good Morning,
My husband and I are planning to take a cruise with our 18 month old son this summer. I wish to take a nanny with us to help on our vacation. She is a lovely 28-year old whom my son adores. I wish to book two seperate cabins whereas my husband seems to have no problem booking one cabin with a pull out sofa in order to save money. I find this completely inappropriate. May I please have some specific examples as to why sharing a cabin is unacceptable.
Thank you,
Kerry
Your nanny is an employee and should be treated with the same care and respect that any employee deserves. Expecting an adult woman to share close living quarters with her male boss is totally inappropriate. The best example that I can think of would be the reaction that you had yourself. There is a good chance that the nanny will feel the same way. I appreciate that this could be a large and maybe even cost prohibitive expense. You might mention to your husband that the idea behind bringing a nanny is to allow the two of you time to relax and that could be easier if all of you are not sharing quarters.
Not to mention the fact the wife is uncomfortable with her husband’s suggestions and THAT should have ended the discussion.
My son became engaged last Sept. and yesterday he and his fiancee have called off the wedding. Apparently my son came clean about “another girl” from before the engagement and this set off a huge fight … Anyway my husband and I feel like we should offer to pay the fiancee’s parents (whom we have gotten to know fairly well) for any cancellation expenses. Or should we offer to pay half the expenses?? We don’t know what to do but we are feeling really responsible and guilty – even though we didn’t do anything. What is the proper thing to do?
Dear D.A.,
I am sorry to hear of your situation. An engagement is such a joyous event; the breaking off of an engagement can be such a sad event. You mention that you have become close with his fiancee’s parents. Unlesss they have expressed anger at your son (and perhaps you by extension) there is no reason not to offer to help cover some of the cancellation costs. Traditionally the cost of the wedding is covered by the bride’s family but nowadays, with the costs of weddings skyrocketing, both families often share the expense. Her family might refuse your offer; but whether they accept or refuse it, they certainly will appreciate it.
The only caveat would be to consider your son’s feelings. Speak with him about your intent to offer before you do. You do not need his permission but it would be considerate to let him know your plan to do so in case his former fiancee says something to him. He might feel offended that you did not let hime know you were making the offer.
Best,
Cindy Post Senning
My 6 year old daughter and a couple of other girls were invited to a new friend’s home for dinner. I dressed her in a cute outfit as I wanted her to loook nice for the party.
Apparantly, they all decided to borrow pjs and have a pj party. When we picked her up she was wearing her friend’s pjs and her own clothes were nowhere to be found. She had a pair of jeans in her backpack that did not belong to her. After many emails to the mother requesting her clothes, I am getting upset. It has been over one month. I email asking when I can please swing by the pick up the clothes. The hostess responds to the effect of, “I’m sure you understand that with 3 kids it’s difficult to manage the laundry, etc.”. Did I mention, it has been over a month? Well, I also have 3 kids and I proceeded to wash the jeans and the pjs and return them the next day. I was raised to give high priority to other people’s belongings.
I am very upset that the clothes (Gap, $65) are gone. By the time (if ever) I get them back they will probably not fit anymore. At this point, I believe she has no intention of returning them. I am feeling completely disrespected. As though she is too busy to be bothered…
It is a matter of principle now.
What should I do? Do I let it go? Do I ask for reimbursement?
Please advise!
It sounds like the email approach is not working and is leaving you feeling frustrated. I suggest calling to speak with her directly and offering a time, like tomorrow afternoon, when you can come by to pick up the clothes. Stay calm and clear in your communication. Let her know you don’t mind if she can’t be there and you are happy to pick them up off the back step or porch or anywhere she would be so kind as to leave them for you. In this way you set an expectation that the items are returned by a certain time and make it easy for her to meet the deadline. Be prepared to let her know that if the cloths are lost and she can’t recover them, you would like to know so that you can stop trying to get them back. I wish you the best of luck handling this tough situation.