Q: My fiances parents find a way to bring his ex-wife, Jennifer, into the conversation every time we visit. How can I stop this without saying something rude and develop a relationship with my husbands parents that doesn’t exclude his ex-wife?
A: You can do one of two things. You can ask your finance to run a little interference for you. When he is visiting with them without you present, he can say, “You probably don’t even notice you do this, but every time Beth is here, you talk about Jennifer. I’d really appreciate it if you could try and leave her out of the conversation, since the new life I’m building is with Beth and I’d like her to start feeling like part of the family.” He can encourage them to get to know you, reiterating how happy he is with you. Or you could say something yourself: “I’ve been thinking about how you often mention Jennifer when I’m with you. She’s very lucky that you are so fond of her. I hope to be that lucky someday, too, and that you’ll find as many nice things to say about me. ” The first solution is probably the best, if your fiance is willing to speak to his parents from his point of view and not make it sound as though you have been complaining.
Loading ...
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
What about when the ex wife is invited and you are not? How do we handle that one? My mate’s family has invited the ex wife and always talk to her more and I always end up feeling left out. I am in terrible jitters for my mates sister’s wedding Saturday and all I can think to do is my hair, makeup, and buy a new dress. It is not in me to get stirred up but I am so worried and nervous this is going to be painful and unpleasant with my mate when it should be exciting and promising. PLEASE ADVISE? PLEASE?
It is time to ask your “mate” (husband? boyfriend?) why he allows his family to exclude you, particularly if you are his wife or you are engaged to him. I am confused why you are worried about makeup, etc., if you have not been invited. I hope he will stand up for you; if he does not, you have a decision to make.
Is it that you are not invited, or is it that he was allowed to bring a “plus one”? Either way, if you’ve been with him a long time you should be specifically invited. I assume that he is bringing you as his date, and worrying about your appearance is one of the only things you can control in this situation. It is perfectly fine to want to look your best. It will help you feel good about yourself, and confidence will be an invaluable resource to draw on as you go through the day.
Sounds like his family is having a hard time letting go of the past and embracing the future. I do think that this is an issue your partner must try to settle. Frankly, if my family was inviting my ex and not my current partner, I would be livid. I would find it insulting for my family to know how uncomfortable I would be with having my current partner and ex partner in the same place, but proceed to do it anyway. If he simply doesn’t care about how this is making you feel, he’s not worth your time anyway.
In my opinion, the ex should have a little more respect for you and your partner. An invitation is nice, but I believe the appropriate thing to do would be to graciously decline. It is a family day, and the ex is no longer part of the family.
Vaguely related: can we not assume she is in a heterosexual relationship? It would be a bit of politeness that I am sure many readers would appreciate!