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Question: Why are envelopes that are addressed to a couple have the Mr. first, but when couple signs a card, her name is first?
Actually, the proper way is for the wife’s name in the second position, particularly in cases of written notes when she is signing for her husband, too. If she refers to her husband by name in the note, her name is signed alone, i.e. “Jack and I so enjoyed dinner with you…Love, Jackie.” However, it is common for women to sign first, I suppose in allowing the fair gender to go first.
I’m struggling with with a personal debate between teaching my children (ages 6 and
to stand up for what’s right versus being tactful. Where do I draw the line?
Last night, my children and I had to walk through a group of smokers standing outside a store. Since they were smoking right by the only door to the establishment, there was no way to avoid them. I’ve taught my children that smoking is bad and that cigarette smoke harms our health. We sometimes avoid particular restaurants or bowling alleys because of the smoky environment. When we see someone smoking on TV or in a movie, we talk about the bad choice the person is making. (My son and I both have asthma, so it’s very important that my kids know smoking is not a choice for them!)
Based on the education I’ve tried to provide, I wasn’t very surprised that as they walked through the cloud of cigarette smoke last night, my children complained loudly about how bad it smelled and how it was making them cough. I wasn’t sure, though, how to respond. I felt that the kids were being rude, and I shushed them and told them so, but I also felt it was very rude for those people to stand right outside the door and threaten our health with their smoking.
So where is the line? At what point do we stop being tactful and tell the people what we really think? I think they need to know that they are being rude, since it obviously didn’t occur to them that they shouldn’t smoke right by the door, but I also don’t think I should allow my children to speak rudely to adults, regardless of the situation. How do I help my kids know how to handle a situation like this?
Hello Bonnie,
I don’t think you have to draw the line. It is admirable that you are teaching your children about smoking and the harmful effect it can have on them. Obviously they have heard you and are taking your teaching seriously. You want them to make good choices for something as important as their health, and you want them to feel strongly enough about their choice so that when they are offered a cigarette by some student at school they will stand up for themselves and refuse. Of course, that is not rude!
However, you can also teach them that they need to show respect to others (not just adults, either.) Those adults have made a different choice for themselves than you have made, they might be smoking in or near a designated smoking area, and you were in a position to walk quickly past them.
You could do two things that would show your children a respectful response.
1. A simple “Excuse me” with a smile, ask the kids to stop their comments, and walk by quickly. Once in the store mention to the kids that their behavior seemed rude and you’d like to talk about it when you get home.
2. You could also take a moment to speak to the store manager about any smoking policy and your concern about the smokers in the doorway. He or she has the authority to speak with the smokers and to ask them to stand away from the entrance when they are smoking. You avoid a potential confrontation, you show your kids how to speak up when there is something rude or disruptive going on, and you may have an impact on a situation that was not only difficult for you but is probably difficult for others as well.
I am often asked if it is okay to be rude back to someone when they are rude to you. My answer is a definitive, “No.” If you do then you have not just one rude person, you have two. Those people were being rude by blocking your entrance and posing a health risk to you. You don’t want your children to think it’s okay to be rude back. Your children learn rude or respectful behavior from you. My final suggestion would be to follow up and talk to your kids about the incident once you are home. It’s the proverbial teachable moment so give it a shot. Kids love talking about these things.
Best,
Cindy Post Senning
Thank you! A great solution all around!
Tipping? I just read your guide to tipping and my question is where does it stop? I believe tipping is generally considered a reward for good service. I have been a children’s photographer for over 40 years and if anyone deserved a reward for service, it is the person trying to get a quality image of your child. For over 4 decades I have struggled with some of the most difficult subjects who ever sat in front of a camera and was only tipped once ($1) for doing a good job. So the next time you tip that person who simply sat your plate on your table and filled your glass once (for which you had to ask), I want you to stop and think: compared to the hour spent by the guy behind the camera who continously struggled to get a good portrait of your child, setting a plate on a table and filling a glass is nothing in comparison. My suggestion is to tip him/her (photographer) $20 because it is worth every penny.
Hi Jim. While I appreciate that you have not been at the receiving end of a tipping tradition I have to mention that many service people are not paid a living wage, particularly wait staff. They are not even paid minimum wage in many states. The tradition of tipping a minimum of 15% to 20% when Americans eat out is part of an unwritten social contract. It is more than just good form, it is a part of our economic system. I would guess that more than a few servers would love to be paid more, leaving tipping to those who feel that service was indeed extraordinary, but that is not how our current system works. As for tipping people in other service professions – these traditions develop over time. Perhaps photographers will find themselves on this list someday if you are able to present your case for such treatment in a civil way.
I totally agree with this response. Those who have a business, such as a photographer often charge a sitting fee for each client, and most often charge enough for their photos that expecting a tip would be ridiculous and out of line. If they feel they work too hard with getting children to pose, they could charge more for those clients.
To Whom It May Concern at EPI:
I just finished reading an online article on tipping from Yahoo! Finance in which it stated that the people at the Emily Post Institute suggested only a 10% tip for pizza delivery drivers. I honestly could not believe what I read and was incensed at such a miserly suggestion for a tip from a group that prides itself on the consideration of others. I have worked as a pizza delivery driver for over five years; and rarely do we receive even the scarce 10%.
Perhaps most people are unaware of the differences, challenges and dangers unique to pizza delivery that aren’t always the same as waiting tables or tending bar. Bartenders and servers do not have the wear and tear on their vehicles that pizza drivers do. There are fluid changes, mechanical problems and new tires one must keep up to date. I spend more on gasoline than I do on rent every month. Unless a server or bartender is driving hundreds of miles each day to commute to their job, then they do NOT incur these expenses. The constant driving is very harsh on a car and if you don’t keep it in top shape that car will face severe and costly problems or even die like mine did last year. There’s the added danger of the other cars on the road. About four years ago someone crossed a double-yellow line, hit me head-on at over 50 mph and totaled my car. I was lucky to walk away without any serious injuries; only a mild chemical burn, some scrapes and bruises.
Another fact about pizza delivery is that the worse the weather gets, in general, the more orders are made for delivery. People know it’s dangerous to go out and so they call us; usually people who live on very icy and dangerous roads in the winter time. I’ve delivered in hail storms, snow emergencies and during tornado warnings (during one of which I saw the tornado). Inclement weather is INCREDIBLY dangerous to be driving in. BUT… it’s our job.
And last, but by no means least, we are BIG targets for violent crime (a fact that bartenders may share in some establishments). I have had THREE people point loaded guns in my face on delivery over the years in attempts to rob me of the money I was carrying. For this very reason most, if not all, pizza companies only allow their drivers to carry a small amount of cash on them. We are responsible for paying the money back if we get robbed as well (at my company anyway). Just last year a driver in my company was indeed shot in a robbery attempt. That same year a different driver was beaten with a metal pipe by some people who only took the pizza he was carrying; not even for the money. People beat a man with a metal pipe just to take a ten dollar pizza. And a LOT of these crimes go unreported because the assailants are usually fast and have their faces covered and there’s nothing the local police are very willing to do with no leads. That’s how truly dangerous it is.
Now, maybe you don’t think your neighborhood is that bad, and maybe it isn’t. But in any given delivery area, a fair portion of stores deliver to very dangerous places and they’re not always where you would think. Needless to say, when one considers the additional costs, risks and dangers involved in pizza delivery I would sincerely hope that people would choose to tip around 20%. Some people may laugh at such a percentage if they’re only used to %10. But if you’re not willing to tip properly for someone LITERALLY risking their life at times for VERY little pay, then you shouldn’t order pizza for delivery. You should go and pick it up yourself.
Hopefully, those of you reading this take these facts into consideration when ordering your next pizza and realize just how hazardous a job it can be. We’re just trying to put food on our tables, shoes on our kids’ feet and make it to the end of the month like the rest of you. I hope the people at the EPI will change their opinions on tipping accordingly and think hard when offering their suggestions to the media knowing that people will clearly take the advice of such a long-standing and respected group. I apologize if my tone has been overly aggressive, but I felt it necessary in order to get the point across.
Sincerely,
Johnny
Thanks for the input Johnny, that is definitely some food for thought (apologies for the bad pun). I will ask around the Institute and see what people think about Pizza delivery tipping.
Thank you for the response, Daniel. And no apology is necessary for the pun. In my opinion, the worse they are the better I like them! And please do start a dialogue in your Institute. I think that the more it becomes part of the public discourse in the topic of tipping service industry people that things will begin to improve; if only a little bit. This has been the worst year, bar none, since I’ve worked for tips. Thanks again for your attention, response and consideration.
- Johnny
Many pizza chains in my area charge a delivery fee. When I have asked the delivery persons if they receive any of this fee, they have not been straightforward with their reply, which makes me believe they do. While I typically start tipping in the 20% range, this practice has caused me to dial back to 15%. The net to the driver is less than if I were trusted to tip as I would normally do.
We used to suggest 10% but in response to a question that came on this blog we have considered revising this. It has been pointed out that, silly as it may sound, pizza delivery is a dangerous profession. They spend a great deal of time on the road, carry cash from door to door, and are often out at late hours. To tip the same 15% to 20% that a server receives for service to ones home seems reasonable to me.
Graceandhonor,
The trouble with the delivery fee is that each individual chain is different. Some chains give their drivers a portion of the fee while other chains (such as the one I’m working for) give us NONE of it. Usually if you ask the manager on the phone, they’ll be truthful about it.
- J.
Perhaps in that case this is an issue you and your coworkers should negotiate with your employer or failing that go work for the folks that pay you a portion of the fee as well. If the best people all go to the place that pays well then the other companies will compete for talent and offer a potion to their workers as well.
I have a question that has bothered me for a while. When I am sending a thank you card, invitation or Christmas card to a neighbor, is it OK for me to put it in their mailbox or should I put a stamp on it and send it through the post office? After all, they do live right across the street or even next door.
Thank you.
Hi Anna Maia,
What a great question! I asked around the EPI office here, and the general consensus is that you shouldn’t put thank you cards or invitations in your neighbors’ mailboxes without stamps, because it may be confusing for the postal delivery worker when he or she comes to pick up or drop off the mail. Instead, we recommend either delivering the note to your neighbor in person, or tucking it in a dry, safe place on their porch or near their door. Hope this helps!
-Kerrie
(Emily Post intern)
It is not legal to put unstamped postage into a mailbox.
See section 3.1.3 “Use for Mail” here:
http://pe.usps.com/text/dmm300/508.htm#wp1051804
Dear EPI Staff,
This may be trivial, but it is a strong pet peeve of mine. I often host casual cocktail parties with my friends, and, as I adore music, I take great care to put together an appropriate playlist. My friends often have diverse tastes in music and I try to accommodate all their tastes, and try to avoid genres that certain guests do not enjoy. For instance, if I have a guest who dislikes rap, I will avoid having any on the playlist, even if other guests enjoy it. I have found on numerous occaisions, however, that some of my friends will go to my iPod and change the music, skip forward, or change the playlist entirely. Now, I consider my iPod to be very personal and I dislike people browsing through my music without permission, but I find it extremely rude that people would take it upon themselves to change the music. How should I handle these situations?
Thank you!
Kathleen
Perhaps you could burn the evening’s playlist onto a CD and play it from that instead of directly from your iPod. That way, you limit the selection and prevent your guests from accessing your library.
Great idea Amy!
While not a matter of life and death the type of music at a party is far from trivial. It can be the difference between good vs. great, talk vs. dance, or even bad vs. intolerable. As a host you are well within your bailiwick to choose the type of music, DJ, or playlist for your party. They next time you are preparing for company try putting the ipod where it is harder to get to (particularly if you feel like the information it contains is personal). You might even put a good humored note on it asking people to resist the urge to tinker. If this doesn’t deter your would-be-DJ-guests you can always politely ask the offending parties to refrain from changing the music that you have planned for the occasion. The direct while non-confrontational approach often yields the best result.
I just received a wedding invitation from a girl that my husband and I know, but haven’t seen or talked to in about 10 years. She was more of an acquaintance than a friend. Neither one of us feels comfortable attending her wedding this spring, so we are regretfully declining. Should we still send some sort of monetary gift if we’ve decided not to attend? I just want to make sure we’re doing the right thing.
Laura
Please see the answer to your question posted in the more recent open thread.