Open thread
2010 February 8
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My daughter, who is now in junior high, has always had long hair. She likes her hair long but is always getting comments from other kids that she should cut it. Now adults are also advising that she should cut it and donate her hair to Locks of Love. In my opinion, it is her hair and she can do as she pleases with it. Some day I’m sure she will want to cut it shorter — but that is a decision that only she can make. As for donating it, that is also a personal decision and I don’t believe it is anyone else’s business. How should be daughter respond when people offer this unsoliciated (and unwanted) advice? Personally, I wouldn’t dream of telling a parent who had a daughter with short hair that she should grow it longer!!
Dear Katie,
I’m sorry that your poor daughter must endure these intrusions. You are right; these people are rude, although they probably mean well. I would suggest that you teach her to handle it in the same way that we handle any unsolicited advice: just smile sweetly and say something like, “Thanks for your advice. I’ll think about that,” and walk away. She doesn’t need to argue with the well-intentioned person. She can think about it for a moment, then decide to keep her hair nice and long!
In addition, as her mom, you could make sure that her long hair is regularly trimmed and shiningly clean so that it attracts admiration instead of advice.
What is the etiquette when giving someone a used item….I assume that I should ask them first if they would like or need such an item. And if they accept the offer or the actual item… I also assume that they should graciously receive and keep this item.
I ask because I was put in awkward situation where my boyfriend gave me some children items to give to friend who has a two year old daughter. The first few items, I did not ask her directly if she wanted them but when I showed them to her…she proceeded to take a decorative pillow.
She now is telling she does not need the pillow and wants to give it back (I am concluding that she doesn’t really like the style of this pillow). My boyfriend gave it away with such pride as it is age appropriate for a two year old and in my opinion adorable and in pristine condition!
My friend has also accepted another offer from boyfriend for books & table from when his daughter was a toddler which I have yet to give to her.
I told my friend that she can give me back the pillow but was not going to give it back to my boyfriend because I know it will offend him. She was taken a back with my directness but said that I would give the pillow to other families in our neighborhood as we have quite a toddler girls on the street. I told her that I did not care if she returned the pillow but did not want to hurt my beau’s feelings!
Could I have handled this situation better? And I was trying to help out my friend who is a single Mom on a tight budget and feel she is being perhaps ungrateful. And I am still planning on giving her the books and table that we discussed from boyfriend but I do not want to be put in this awkward situation again!
It sounds to me like you handled the situation as well as you could have. You are considerate to play a role swapping “kid gear” between parents, neighbors, and friends. I wonder if your friend, the new mother, thought she was doing the right thing by returning an item that she found she was not using. When you give her the table and book you might make it explicitly clear that your boyfriend intends them as a gift and that she should feel free to keep or pass them on as she likes. In the mean time, keep up the good work in the neighborhood.
Katie,
I agree, these kinds of comments are truly bizarre and inappropriate. Your daughter is getting an early lesson in how to respond to rudeness! Encourage her to respond politely. She should practice some responses with you so that she is comfortable using them when the time is right. Examples: “Thanks, but I like my hair the way it is,” or “I’m really comfortable with my hair sytle.” You can also speak up on her behalf.
Good luck!
Elizabeth
PR & Marketing, The Emily Post Institute