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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I love babies. At church or another group function, I feel comfortable complimenting people on their children and speaking briefly to the baby (if he or she is awake), and sometimes even asking if I can hold him/her.
In a public place, though, like a bookstore cafe, for example, is there proper etiquette for this situation? I believe it is important for babies and toddlers to interact with as many safe, caring adults as possible in their early years, but I do not wish to come off as rude or creepy to the parents. (Also, I am in my twenties but do not have any kids; I don’t know if this might make a difference.)
As a mom, nothing makes me prouder than my children. And I love it when people interact with my children. A smile with eye contact while we’re waiting in line or a quick comment is always appreciated. If the family reciprocates then you know your comments are welcome.
However, I would not ask to hold the baby or even attempt to touch the baby. Although your intentions are good, the parents don’t know that. When you become a parent, you will understand that most parents are uncomfortable with strangers touching their children for a multitude of reasons.
I received an an expensive gift of jewelry(pearls) from my sister and brother-in-law for my 50th birthday. I have a impersonal sort of relationship with her at this point and generally she has never really known me and /or my likes and dislikes. The gift I received, although extremely generous, was not at all what I would wear.
I am unsure if I should say anything at all, wanting to preserve the relationship, or if I should be painfully honest and ask if I could exchange it with another piece of jewelry that I would wear.
The dilemma is these are two competing priorities…preserving the relationship or being honest with her. I feel that a relationship without honesty isn’t real anyway.
Any thoughts?
I see your dilemma. I think you need to make a choice — preserve the relationship with your sister, or be honest. Which is more important to you?
Personally, I don’t believe that all truths need to be spoken. Situations like this frequently escalate beyond anyone’s intentions. What is the point if someone winds up hurt — to let her know what type of jewelry you prefer? I am assuming she put thought and effort into this gift (albeit misguided), and speaking the truth would only put more strain on your relationship.
This is off the topic of etiquette, but you made a comment that I found odd — “a relationship without honesty isn’t real anyway.” Everyone has relationships that are limited in some way, and we make the best of them. Everyone has issues with siblings, parents, etc.
Perhaps you could take it to a jeweler to see if you could refashion it (make a bracelet, add a pendant) to make it more appealing. If you have a daughter, daughter-in-law, or granddaughter, you could give it to her later as a family heirloom.
Hi Ginny. Sometimes at The Emily Post Institute institute we talk about the “benevolent truth”. There is a subtle art to telling the truth while being aware that you have the potential to hurt someones feelings. You can always truthfully thank someone for their incredible generosity or the thought behind the gift. If pressed you might confess that while something is not exactly the style you would pick for yourself you appreciate the gift for another reason.
Hi, Ginny,
One thing Emily Post frequently taught is to consider the feelings of others before we act or speak, to put the other person first.
Gratitude is the only appropriate response when one receives a gift -regardless of whether or not the gift is exactly what one desires. Mom’s words are true: It is the thought that counts. Your sister seems to have made a generous effort to please you and even to invest in your relationship. She honored you and showed you that you’re important to her, especially on your birthday. That pearl jewelry is lovely because of all these sentiments.
You ask if you should say anything at all. Of course, you should. “Thank you! It’s beautiful!” is a truthful statement without dishonestly saying that you’re crazy about the style. If pressed for your opinion, you can honestly say that you like it -because there must be something you like about it, such as the beautiful pearls or the gold, etc.
Also, give it some time — you might find that the style of this pearl jewelry will “grow” on you, and you’ll love it!
Speaking the truth in love,
La Mère
please help us with a dilema, a friend of ours was invited to her boyfriends fathers wedding which is being held in an upscale all inclusive resort in the bahamas. The groom has said he will pay for both of his boys to be there however if they want to bring dates they will have to pay their own way. The cost will be $1600. for each girl. Now our friend has been with this guy for over 6 years and they plan on getting married after they both finish school and start their careers, some of us feel her boyfriend should pay at least half and others feel he should pay the total since he invited her. the boyfriend is almost done with school and is working a full time job in his chosen field and makes pretty decent money even though he is still finishing his degree (his income will increase when he finishes school) she is still a full time student working approx 9 hrs a week part time . Should he be expected to pay all, half or none?
I don’t think you’ll like my opinion — let your friend deal with this and may I politely add, you ladies should MYOB.
Traditionally, at a home wedding the accommodations for the bridal party are thought of as part of the wedding expense, although this expectation is less defined for a destination wedding. Travel costs are usually considered the responsibility of the guest, whether they are part of the bridal party or not. In this case, if the father is paying for his son’s accommodation than his partner should be included in this. The travel cost would remain hers if she wishes to attend. Of course this does not preclude the father or the boyfriend from offering to pay her travel expenses but this would not be expected as part of traditional wedding etiquette.
Ia it proper to walk up to a person, friend or otherwise and say Hi! how’s (insert name) today?
For example , an aquiantance comes up to you (Mary) in the mall and says Hi how’s Mary today?
This seems to me to be at the very least showing a lack of manners, perhaps a lack of education in manners, and perhaps even rude.
When it happens to me I had to decide whether i say “Mary who?” or “perhaps you should ask her” or “You mean me???” or respond ” I guess she is fine, how is (insert name of the person who approached )???
Whatever hapened to “HI! How are You?” ?
My guess is this person thinks that they being clever or cute. You could speak to the person privately. Simply mention that you prefer not to speak about yourself in the third person, or that you find it awkward and ask them not to address you like this. By saying something in private you save the other person the embarrassment of having their behavior corrected and give them a chance to change without suffering a loss of face. Hopefully this will clear things up.
We host a lot of activities at our home, from bbq’s to girl’s only nights to movie nights, to Thanksgiving and Christmas. You name it, we host it. We have a few dearly loved friends that take it upon themselves to invite people to attend. They say, “By the way, I’ve invited So-n-so to come.” Or sometimes, they just arrive with their guests in tow. Some are people we’ve never met. I’ve never said anything to our friends, I am afraid it might damage the friendship, but this really ticks me off. I would never, in a million years, think it would be okay to invite or just bring someone to someone else’s function. How do I convey my feelings without offending anyone? Or, perhaps I need an attitude adjustment? Are our dear friends being rude, or am I being over-sensitive?
It is perfectly reasonable for you to expect guests to let you know if they are planning on bringing other people to your home. Some of your friends might so enjoy your hospitality that they are making unfair assumptions about how far it extends. Since this seems to happen regularly I would suggest speaking to your friends in advance of your next activity. You might mention that you love their company and even the way they like to include other people but that for the sake of your event planning you would really appreciate if they could let you know ahead of time if they would like to bring company. By phrasing your request as asking them to ask permission, not just to let you know if they plan to bring someone, you will indicate your preference that they ask you if this is okay.