Q: My cousin is getting married-it’s the second wedding for both her and her fiance. My sister says it’s rude to not give a gift, but I gave a present the first time. Do I really have to give another?
A: No. Those who gave gifts the first time have no obligation to give again. But some family and friends of a remarrying bride or groom give anyway, simply because they want to celebrate the couple’s happiness. Before you do anything, check in with other family members: Many remarrying couples forgo gifts entirely. If that’s the case, your cousin should let people know by word of mouth, since any mention of gifts on the invitation is an etiquette faux pas.
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I’m confused by the question. Is the same couple having a second wedding? Or are the bride and groom both divorced and remarrying. If they are having a second celebration, I agree a gift is completely optional. And it is certainly true the tradition of gift-giving at weddings was to help provide furnishings to a young couple just starting out who often had very little to their own names, thereby eliminating the need to give a gift for a 2nd marriage. But in the modern age, our society places so many stigmas on a non-traditional marriage (remarrying, same-sex). Having known many people who struggle for their families and close friends to accept their relationship choices (divorce and remarriage are very painful choices), my opionion on gifts is different. If this is a couple with whom you are particularly good friends, a small gift is a very appropriate way to show them that you wish them the very best. Also, I have always felt, if you attend a wedding, someone is buying you dinner and drinks for the night. A gift to the happy couple is the standard way to acknowledge your appreciation for their hospitality.
I believe the question is meant to suggest that often people are invited to a wedding knowing one party or the other, and often times that person (the one they know) has been married before. I do like the way you are thinking about this. You are correct that in many situations it would be both appropriate and advisable to give a gift at a ‘second’ wedding for exactly the reasons that you describe. The idea that giving a wedding gift is in some way an exchange for the cost of inviting a guest is incorrect and leads many people to believe that the value of the gift should equal at least the value of the dinner. While this is an easy rule to remember gift giving is a more subtle and personal choice than this rule implies, as you indicate in the beginning of your post.
My nephew and his bride to be mailed magnets with information on where to shop for the couple, a magnet assoiciated with one’s wedding is bad enough however, to make it worse these were mailed three months before the invitations. I found this to be terribly rude, however my husband thinks I’m over reacting and nixed my suggested gift; an etiquette book. What do you think? By the way the wedding was four months ago and we haven’t received even an acknowledgement of the gift.
When my husband and I married, it was a second marriage for me, no ceremony or party 1st time. Because we were combining two households, traditional gifts were not needed. We registered at Target and the things on our registry were more family gifts, camping items, board games, etc. The point being if you wanted to give a gift, these are things we could use, ultimately most folks gave us money or traditional gifts, later many told us they could not see buying Monopoly or Clue as a wedding gift. When I receive wedding invites, often for people I do not know, like a co-workers children, I tend to send a card with a small monetary gift and forgo the ceremony as I don’t feel the need to participate in what should be a family and close friend affair. If it is a family member or close friend, I try to choose something more personal either from their registry or something I have made personally for them, whether I am attending or not, regardless of if it is a first wedding or a second or more. When someone is re saying vows or re marrying the same spouse, a card wishing them well is normally all I feel is needed, although sometimes a bottle of wine may be appropriate, much like if invited to their home for dinner.
Is it necessary to give our daughter a wedding gift if this is her second marriage? After all we footed the first wedding.
A gift for a second wedding should not approach the same cost as hosting a first wedding. And more importantly, don’t you want to demonstrate you support your daughter in starting her new marriage, despite any problems you’ve encountered with her? Necessary? No. Loving? Yes.
Is it appropriate to have a bridal shower for someone getting married for the second time?
Sure, as long as the guests were not invited to a shower for her first wedding, and the bride doesn’t get carried away with gift registries.