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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
My daughter is preparing to write a thank you letter to her boyfriends mother and grandmotehr for the Christmas presents they sent. She calls his mom – Miss Alison and his grandmother Miss Gail…………
Mom’s Name: Alison L……
Grandmothers’ Name: Gail G…………
How should she address the envelope and the thank you note?
Thanks
Kathy
If a woman is widowed, the envelope should be addressed Mrs. Thomas W. Jones, using her husband’s name. If divorced, Mrs. Gail Jones is appropriate.
The note salutation should be what she calls them, i.e. Dear Miss Gail.
My sister’s mother-in-law is from the tradtional school of etiquette.
She sent my spouse and I, an invitation to a family picnic to his name on one line, my name underneath as did a cousin to a cousin of my spouse.
Traditional etiquette (custom/tradition) ‘dictates’ that when a couple is married, the envelope is addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe.
This cousin addressed her ‘xmas’ card to both of us, with my spouse’s name first and my name underneath.
From what I’ve read, a couple’s name on the same line, represents them being married, and a couple not married, one name on one line, the other name underneath.
I don’t understand with the cousin, WHY she would print her labels to us, in that manner. Why not just put his name and my name (different surnames) on the same line?
I can understand with the mother-in-law (old-school Europe) that in her eyes, if you don’t have the same name as your spouse, her thinking might be that because we have separate surnames, they don’t go on the same line.
I send out mail or cards addressed EXACTLY the way the return address label is shown.
I had to send a letter to the mother-in-law, explaining that I am married, yes…however, I didn’t adopt my spouse’s last name…my choice.
Any advice?
When we make non-traditional choices, we sometimes confuse others. I don’t think any of your correspondents have deliberately chosen to incorrectly address items to you. As for your name on the second line, rather than the first with your husband, it is a correct and practical choice, as the first line may well be very crowded with your husband’s name and your name both, because you both are not using a hyphenated last name.
I am puzzled why you felt the need to send your m-i-l a letter stating you are married and retained your name, as surely she must know this. It would sadden me to receive this kind of letter from my dear son’s wife, not because she chose not to use his name, but because she felt the need to teach me a lesson in such a distancing and off-putting way. This kind of exchange could be handled best by a conversation with my son on behalf of his spouse.
So, as for advice, we should all be happy to receive greeting cards and invitations and overlook a sender’s well-meaning mistake.
I read this article in the Philadelphia Inquirer “Hotel maids deserve a tip.
My question is: If you are only staying at a hotel for one night should you tip the housekeeper? Since she did not do anything for our room as the linens, etc. were already changed from the last guest is it necessary to tip? I say you shouldn’t tip until the second day at the hotel since it will be our linens that she is changing. My husband seems to think we should tip even though she didn’t change our linens, etc. for just one night. Who’s right?
Let’s think about your argument. The prior guests tipped for the nights they used; you should do the same. She prepared your room in anticipation of your arrival and though you may not have personal interaction with her in your short visit, you should still leave a tip.
And for stays longer than one night, I always tip each day, as often the same housekeeper does not clean my room throughout my stay. That way, each person who cleans the room is remembered. I go out of my way to acknowledge a housekeeper if I run into one in the hall; this has paid off innumerable times in exceptional service and sweet niceties.
I’d like to provide you with some insight, not from a strict etiquette point of view, but from someone who has worked in the service industry for many years.
Most people in the service industry, whether it be housekeeping, wait staff, drivers, or bartenders are paid, by law, less than minimum wage and rely on tips for their well-being. I know that I have appreciated a generous tip from time to time and went out of my way to accomodate guests who did so.
While on vacation for our honeymoon a few years ago in St. Lucia, I made a point of learning the names of the people who were providing services, chatted with them about mundane things and paid them compliments as the situation deserved. Due to the rules at the resort, we were unable to tip in cash, but I made a point of leaving a piece of fresh fruit from breakfast and a note of thanks each morning. In return, we received attentive service, great advice about local restaurants, a fresh bucket of ice left in our room each evening after one of the ladies noticed me fetching ice every evening, and some wonderful smiles. One young lady even went so far as to leave a freshly cut flower and a chocolate on my wife’s pillow every morning.
Regardless of how long your stay, thoughtfulness, a modest tip and courteous greetings will pay off, even if it is only the knowledge that you’ve helped someone who is making poor wages and relies on the generosity of guests for their health and happiness.
Regards,
Randy
We just came back from a holiday week spent with my wife’s parents. My brother in-law and his wife were also visiting with their pets, a dog and a turtle. Although generally very considerate in most areas, their pets are problematic. Instead of feeding their dog in a bowl, they put dog food into specially designed toys which the dog rolls around on the carpet, sending out food. The dog then eats the kibbles off of expensive carpet. Sometimes dog kibbles are left behind, but usually they are cleaned up. This happens twice daily, for all feedings. This was also done when they visited us at our house. Instead of saying anything and potentially straining the relationship, everybody’s solution thus far is to just clean their carpets after they leave. The family is very close, and we all spend a lot of time together watching TV or playing games on the floor. I feel like we’re lying in a dog bowl, but more importantly, we now have a 6 month old baby to which this poses both sanitary and choking hazards. Thus far, I’ve been the only one to say anything (e.g. when food has come out near the baby, I have said that that is a choking hazard and pulled the baby out of reach); however, as I am an in-law, I feel like it is inappropriate for me to address this issue directly. I have discussed the issue with my wife and her parents; however, nobody has been willing to address the issue directly either. I find the dog feeding practice both gross and disrespectful to others, but fear that I may be overreacting. So I have two questions: am I making a big deal out of something that shouldn’t be an issue? In other words, aside from the obvious issue that I must be responsible for my baby’s safety, perhaps I should just make sure that the kibbles are cleaned off the floor before she plays? If it is in fact something that needs to be addressed, should I do it or should my wife or her parents do it? How should they do it?
Dear Joshua,
It never fails to amaze me how tentatively we sometimes react to overtly rude behavior and insensitivity, how we are afraid of offending an offender. You, my friend, are correct in being very bothered by this situation. Tell your wife that this practice is abusive to everyone in the family and you and she are no longer going to participate in silently acquiescing and being overrun by her brother and his zoo. This behavior is rude to others and now is unsanitary and unsafe for your child. Do not invite the brother et al to your house again without a clear understanding that the animals are not welcome (and yes, I’d tell him they aren’t, because if you allow him to bring them, you’ll still have to be on the alert, trust me), and do not visit your in-laws unless the animals are fed in a contained space away from your child and everyone else. Your wife and you should convey this decision to her parents. It is up to them to establish rules for their home with their son; we hope they will so that the human beings can enjoy a pleasant visit, particularly with the grandbaby.
I have a black Lab of my own, “Kitty”
and I do not impose her upon my extended family. Animals can be extraordinary companions but there are some places they do not belong, and one is eating their food off someone else’s carpets.
Happy New Year,
G&H
I had some events over Christmas that I need some advice. I stayed with my sister and her husband and their two children.
My brother in law backed into my car and caused some damage, and my sister said, right away that they would pay for it. She said “please don’t be mad”, and I said I wasn’t mad. My sister said he was so upset he was almost crying.
The next day, the toilet wouldn’t go down and I was embarrassed to say I flushed it again. This caused the water to go up and into the bathroom and then it seeped onto some of my brother in law’s exercise equipment in the bathroom.
This caused him to be really upset and he said it flooded his basement and it would take days of work to clean it up. He is very particular about his things so the sistuation made me and my sister nervous and I could tell she was anxious. She tried to tell me that it’s ok and this happens alot. But I still felt really bad and offered to help him clean up but he refused. Then they told me about the water shut off for the toilet. This something I never knew existed and should have shut off the water. Well I learned the hard way.
Similar incidents have occured with their other guests. If the guest accidently damages something they talk about it for weeks. It is a big deal for him and my sister kind of has to be the mediator.
Looking back, it was very embarrassing for me and I felt very ashamed. In other people’s houses I have been, this sort of mistake happens and the hosts take it more lightly and try to make the guests feel comfortable. Is there a way for me to communicate that I wish they would interact differently? Or is it best just to gloss over the incident and thank them for the hospitality and talk about the positive aspects such as the kids opening the presents and the dinner?
Also, I worry that I kind of caused both these snafus and hope that Christmas 2009 won’t be remembered for them. Is there a way to downplay these events and remember the fun events? Thank you.
I think you should all get together and write a screenplay and send it to Chevy Chase. A year or two and humor will mitigate XMAS ’09 eventually.
It is not unreasonable for a guest to assume that the plumbing works and you did nothing wrong. I would let it go and now that you know their toilet is finicky and where the turn-off valve is you’ll be prepared next time. Your b-i-l sounds a little high-strung, though it does sound like he had a rather expensive and unfortunate Christmas.
I hope he does indeed pay for your car repairs as he should and not use the toilet incident to avoid doing so, as that would be wrong. It certainly shouldn’t take days to clean up the overflow, and it sounds to me like you and your sister have been brow-beaten enough about this incident.
I would appreciate some advice regarding some guests at our home during the holidays. Actually, my husband and I didn´t do much for Christmas or New Year´s, our two grown children live far away and were not able to come home this year and my husband has a broken foot and has been resting for the past few weeks.
Some close relatives of my husband´s (who knew he was injured) called at dinner time on New Year´s Day to announce that they would be at our house in a few minutes. Although my husband hinted that we had spent our holiday lounging and watching TV, they insisted on coming over.
We had to get dressed and I had to help my husband downstairs on his crutches.
When they arrived, they had their 20 month old toddler with them and a nanny.
I had to throw something together to offer them AND the nanny. The baby pooped and they didn´t bring a change of diapers -why the nanny? The mom just let the child run around until the smell was unbearable and then asked the nanny to try to wipe off the baby´s diaper, line it with toilet paper and put it on her again. They finally left an hour later when the sticky part of the disposable diaper would not stick again and the baby´s urine was on our floor. Our guest bath was left in a muddy, smelly mess.
I was stuck with the cleaning and my husband couldn´t help because of his foot but he says that he could not have asked them not to come over.
Thanks for your comments.
I hope you husband’s foot will mend quickly and if either of you are ever under the weather again when impromptu guests invite themselves at an inconvenient time, you’ll remember New Year’s 2010. It is not rude to decline a visit at an inconvenient time; your unhappy experience flowed from this initial decision. Granted, you were visited by a woefully ill-prepared three-ring circus (who should have swabbed the decks before leaving town), but nevertheless, you pitched the tent.