Ai yi yi! The problem here is that your brother and wife did not buy the jewelry for your daughter, but apparently for themselves! They have forgotten the first rule of gift-giving, that the gift delight the recipient. It makes absolutely no sense that your brother would rather spend his money on something that will never be used and enjoyed instead of something your daughter would think, each time she uses it, “Wow, Uncle Ted and Aunt Alice are the best!”

Then we move to the other icebergs in your family pond, that of who is the better Mom who has produced better children. THIS is actually good, because you can demonstrate you are at least the more insightful and mature adult by sending the following letter:

Dear Ted and Alice,

We all feel very badly that things went so awry this Christmas. We love you and your family very much and want to do everything we can to mend our relationships with you.

First of all, we did not mean to hurt your feelings about Jenny’s gift. It is obvious you took great pains in selecting the necklace you gave her. It is beautiful but is simply not the type of jewelry she would wear. I only mentioned returning it, because I was sure that you would want her to have something that she would use a lot and be delighted in remembering each time she used the item that you gave it to her. We all hate the idea that the money you spent on this would not be best utilized and that is why I assumed you’d want to know she would like to choose something else. This was not meant to offend you, but instead be mindful of the thought and hard-earned money you expended.

We are also sorry that things got out of hand and hurtful things were said to each other when we discussed this at Mom’s. We love you dearly and celebrate the fact that while we each have made our own choices in lifestyle and goals, nevertheless, we are very blessed to have such wonderful family.

Please forgive us for hurting your feelings. We hope we can all work toward happier times for all of us.

Love, Jane, Paul and Jenny

(All three of you sign the letter.)

The ball will then be in their court. Give them a couple of weeks to accept the olive branch and fork over the jewelry receipt. If they don’t, return the jewelry for what you can get for it, (and be prepared to be treated less than fairly at the jewelry store, grrr) but be done with the gift exchange.

As for calling and asking what their children want or expecting Ted and Alice to do the same, this is a wrong assumption on your part. Neither you, nor they, or any gift-giver, are required to be order fulfillers. Come up with an idea on your own; just be sure to enclose a gift receipt!!!

Ai Yi Yi,

Graceandhonor!

The only way you can tell her he is not invited to a family gathering or trip is to apply this edict across the board with other children and their significant others. Notice I did not say “spouses.”

“Honey, we’d like to spend quality time with you one on one. We’ll invite Dirk another time.” BUT, you cannot use this too often as she’ll dig her heels in.

See if you can encourage your daughter to broaden her horizons outside the love department. Has she talked about getting an advanced degree and perhaps move away to pursue it? Would she like to go to Europe? Could she transfer out of state with her company? While this may seem extreme, and heaven knows, she might meet another Dirk somewhere else, encourage her to look at her life in a holistic fashion. If she thinks in these terms, perhaps she’ll draw the conclusion that Dirk is not a long-range option for her life. And, if anyone in your immediate circle asks her such questions as “When are you going to tie the knot?” or “Are you going to die an old maid?” or “Isn’t your biologicial clock ticking down?” for heaven’s sake, take them aside and tell them to stop, as these types of comments may at least subconciously make her think time is running out and she better settle in a hurry. Or give me their numbers, and I’ll take care of them for you!!!

Having been in this type of situation in the past, as one parent to another, bite your tongue, Abby, bite it until it bleeds, grip your husband’s arm in a death vise, but DON’T criticize Dirk in any way. However, you can be exremely non-committal about him and trust me on this, eventually your daughter will ask, “Why don’t you like Dirk?” Even then, DON’T respond with your true feelings. You can be lukewarm in your like of him without totally embracing him.

Encourage your other children to introduce your daughter to their friends and just do everything you can to insure she meets a broad range of young men, one of whom we’ll hope turns her head. Sometimes young women settle on one guy simply because he’s the one that’s there, and they don’t think deeply enough about whether he’s really the best one for her. But, it takes courage to wait until the right one comes along, and not settle for the sure thing, so its important that those who love her encourage her that she’ll find Mr. Right.

It time to hit your knees like never before, Mom (and entire family), and pray, pray, pray that HE opens your daughter’s eyes, brings her the right mate, and grants you the wisdom and calm to deal with this. It is anguishing for a parent to go thru this for their child, and really have so little input. I suppose it is to teach us forbearance and even more about selfless, unflinching love.

You and your family are in my prayers today.

Graceandhonor