Q: My brother and his Japanese wife are coming from Tokyo for a visit. They’ll be staying with me for a week, and I want my new sister-in-law to feel at home. Should I buy chopsticks and Asian snacks like rice crackers? Or is that offensive?
A: While your sister-in-law is sure to appreciate your thoughtfulness, the key to making her feel comfortable is to customize your efforts to her individual tastes rather than to her ethnicity. Ask her, or your brother, what she likes to eat. Perhaps there are American dishes she’s curious to try. Whatever you do, don’t single her out by setting chopsticks only for her or by serving her one thing and your family something else. Your aim is make her feel special, not different.
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My husband’s niece has invited us to her wedding, but not our 12 & 14 year old children. She has 7 other cousins 18 and over (2 of which are married) that she is inviting. I am considering all of us going to her wedding ceremony to show our support, but not the reception. Of course, we will still send a gift. This will be my husband’s final decision, but what do you think? Thank you very much for your advice!
I personally do not understand a bride’s decision to exclude young family members from wedding attendance, as eventually the young grow up and may be pressed into family elderly care, not to mention the immediate hurt feelings this invariably causes throughout a family. This decision is self-absorbed and alienating to say the least.
Nevertheless, it is her decision to invite adult cousins only. You may not decide on your own to force your children upon her by showing up with them at the wedding. However, it would be appropriate for your husband to speak with the bride’s parent who is his sibling and let them know this has hurt your family’s feelings, as your children love the bride very much.
You should attend all the wedding events you have been invited to and be gracious while doing so. Explain to your children, if they are left at home, that sometimes others hurt our feelings, but that does not give us license to behave poorly ourselves. Also explain to them that one of the perks of being an adult is being invited to things children sometimes cannot attend, and someday it will be their turn.
It is interesting to note there is not another area of etiquette that causes as much angst or hurt as weddings, and invariably it is because the bride operates under the misguided notion that it is “HER DAY.” As one astute contributor noted on this site recently, the wedding day is only the beginning of a marriage. That marriage is lived in the context of community. Brides should remember how they behave during the wedding process will have direct bearing on years of marriage in that community.
It’s interesting that you would make such an opinionated and negative comment about this situation. There was just a posting on October 27th about this very issue, and it was deemed perfectly acceptable.
Also, I feel the need to point out that it is the prerogative of the couple- not *just* the bride’s.
I actually agree with the posting of October 27th as it stated a guest should not presume to bring children not specifically named in an invitation to a wedding and that is what I stated in my opinion above. This is the etiquette part of what I believe is a larger underlying issue, that of excluding family members. Sue’s children are 12 and 14 and one assumes they have manners and self control at that age. I do agree that it is too much to expect infants, toddlers and pre-schoolers to behave at weddings and generally it is best to engage a sitter for them, but young teens are a different story.
As for a couple’s perogative rather than just the bride’s, yes, generally the groom will go along with the bride, and will through much of his life. Therefore, it is important that she wield this power with grace and kindness, thinking of others before herself.
It’s sad that some people choose to leave out members of their own family from their weddings. I allowed my parents and my in-laws to invite whom they wanted to my wedding. My husband wasn’t sure what relatives of his had small children so I just included a line on the invitations that children were welcome. I did end up with some pre-schoolers at my wedding & reception and they were a joy.
In connections with the posting of “How to make them feel at home”, how should one prepare for their guests’ arrival into my home. You have an etiquette article called “What does your bathroom say about you?”, do you have one about the guest bedroom or if you don’t have an actual bedroom for them to use? Or what you need to do to prepare for your guests’ arrival, i.e., prepare clean sheets, make the bed, make sure your guests have enough blankets depending on the weather, etc?
Well appointed accommodations for guests should have had a recent deep cleaning, i.e. all bed linens including the mattress pad recently laundered or drycleaned. “Triple sheeting” is nice; when using a duvet in the winter, it should have its own cover, or be sandwiched between two top sheets, with the bottom one’s top hem folded over the top one to encase the duvet, much like you find in many nicer hotels today. Firm pillows as well as feather ones complete the bed comfort.
Bedside tables should hold good lighting, a water carafe with glass and coaster, a small vase of flower(s) or plant (somewhere in the room), tissues, and current magazines. If there is a desk in the room, stationery, stamps, pens and pencils, and a writing pad are nice. It is nice to have a chair with an afghan or throw and reading lamp close by, or at the minimum a bench or stool. Be sure there is drawer space for extended stays, and space in the closet and empty, padded hangers to use. A folding luggage rack stowed in the closet is handy. If there is a phone in the room, make sure it is clean.
In the winter, make sure there are extra blankets available (or an electric one) and in the summer, if a ceiling fan is available, make sure its blades are dust-free. All surfaces should be vacuumed or polished, clean, and streak-free.
It is a nice touch to turn the guest’s bed back at bedtime, and change towels throughout their stay, in addition to cleaning the bathroom regularly. Just think about how you’d like to be treated and don’t forget to do that little folding trick with the bath tissue!