Maid Mess: When your maid of honor doesn’t measure up
2009 November 17
Q: My fiance’s sister agreed to be my maid of honor, but every time I ask her to help me shop for a gown, she’s “too busy.” If she can’t set aside a few hours for me now, what will happen when I really need her? Can I ask her to step down?
A: No. Firing your future sister-in-law is out of the question. But you can make it easy for her to quit. Tell her you sense she’s unable to give you the time and help, and if she’d like to back out, you won’t be angry. Should she opt for the escape hatch, emphasize that there are no ill feelings, then move on with another maid of honor. But if she says she wants to take part in the wedding plans, start afresh. Maybe this talk, even though it’s bound to be awkward, will bring you closer.
Loading ...
Thank you for this post. I fully agree. I was “disinvited” from my brother’s wedding by his now wife, and it was horribly painful. There is a permanent rift between my family and his now because of their treatment of me and my other sibling during their wedding planning.
I would strongly suggest sticking to the Post’s advice if future relations are important to you. I was a very supportive bridesmaid for being out of the area, but nothing was ever good enough for her. It’s not in the best interest of your impending marriage to be on the rocks with your in-laws. You’ll want all the support and love you can get as a newly married couple.
I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t have a conversation with your future SIL though. If she really isn’t being supportive, that’s a must.
My situation was different, but the end result could still be disastrous if you let her go from her responsibilities without giving her the opt out.
You’re a wise bride for even asking the professionals for advice.
My question is similar to the MOH issue, except I’m the maid of honor, the bride is my sister, and it’s one of the bridesmaids we can’t stand. She refuses to wear the same color as the rest of us (we’re doing different styles, same color), she has one of her friends constantly calling us to complain or give directions, and she says she critizices every decision we make. She told my sister she wanted to pay for the flowers, her wedding is less than a month away, and she keeps changing the date to give her the money (money is not an issue with her, she’s quite rich). All the bridesmaids, the bride, and I are totally tired of her. How can we handle the situation politely? How do we insist on she wearing the same color?
It seems like the answer could be quite similar. You could call her since you’re the MOH, (or your sister, the bride) and tell her that it seems like she’s uncomfortable with the idea of being in the wedding; that neither you nor your sister want her to feel like she HAS to be in the wedding since she does not think the color agrees with her complexion; that you understand if she does not want to pay for the flowers; and finally, that what is most important to you is her friendship, not whether she walks down the aisle as a bridesmaid. If you make it more about your concern for her comfort, it will be a much smoother conversation. If she says that she just wants to do things her way, then tell her you want your sister’s dream to come true….having the wedding as the bride wants it, and if that’s something she feels she can’t accept, you would understand if she would like to back out. If she changes her tune, then tell her that you look forward to having a fun “girl time” together wearing your dresses, doing hair and makeup. Thank her for her friendship either way. After all, weddings are about graciousness!