Q: My parents are paying for my wedding, so I thought it was proper to use only their names on the invitation. My fiance, Henry, agreed. Now his parents are wondering why their names have been left out. What should I do?
A: Don’t worry. What you did is absolutely correct, given that your parents are the hosts. Henry’s folks may have seen invitations issued jointly by two sets of parents, perhaps because both sides are paying or because there are stepparents involved. Whatever their reason for being upset, all you need to do in response is be especially thoughtful of them in the months to come.
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
Um, excuse me… it should be WHOSE, and INVITATION.
Feeling a bit sheepish here, thank you.
As with any invitation, the host’s name customarily goes on the invitation. Traditionally the bride’s parents host the wedding. Today’s weddings can present us with a variety of different scenarios, but the guidelines remain the same.
I understand the parents of the bride hosting the wedding being the only name of the couple to be put on the invitation but… I feel it makes it look like parents of the groom are not supporting the uniting of the couple and grooms family is not asking family and friends to join. I’m embarassed and hurt that our names were not included as “parents of”. It’s my sons wedding too, not just the bride and her parents’. Bride planned a $5000.00 rehearsal dinner that we’re paying for, why are we not considered part of the hosts. The wedding is far away from us so there will be a big expense for travel, etc. Bride and groom also expect a nice reception in our hometown a few months after wedding for the many of those who can’t travel the distance. Lots of $$ for that too. I really am feeling crushed that the invitation does not have our name as he IS our son and we are doing a lot for them for the wedding.
This is an instance where hundreds of years of tradition are in play; tradition dictates that the bulk of expense for the wedding day itself is borne by the bride’s family, as in your case it is. It is certainly gracious of you to foot the bill for the rehearsal dinner, and tradition does dictate this as the obligation of the groom’s family; you, as the hosts should be the ones planning and deciding the budget for it and invitations to it should note you are the hosts. You are under no traditional obligation to host a later reception, but if you are, this is your chance to incorporate wording as you wish that states you are hosting this for your son and his bride.
The tradition of not naming the groom’s parents on a wedding invitation is (in addition to the fact the bride’s parents are usually the paying hosts) based upon the assumption a man capable of becoming a husband is independent of his parents and does not need their permission to do so, nor their monetary backing. The idea of a rehearsal dinner is the modern equivalent of an ancient welcoming dinner given in honor of a bride and those accompanying her to the wedding who may have never met the groom’s family prior to the marriage and the expense was shouldered by his proud parents, intent on proving they were an affluent and cultured lot. (This is where the notion of inviting out-of-town guests to the rehearsal dinner also originates.) And, it was assumed that if the groom was happy with his choice of bride, then his family was most certainly rejoicing in his happiness.
Tradition aside, some couples today are opting for the contemporary practice of listing the groom’s parents on the invitation, but in most cases, this also means his parents are paying for the privilege by contributing even more to the wedding expense. Perhaps it is not too late for you to discuss the viability of this with your son.
As in everything, we need to carefully consider what we wish for, as the realization of it is often a shock.
Just got the same shock. We as parents of the groom are not on the invitation. We are paying for the photographer, florist, limo’s, dj and rehersal. How do I approach this without causing a rift?
The time to have discussed your role and expectations (with your son) would have been during discussion of your financial participation. He then should have spoken with the bride and her parents and her parents should have contacted you thanking you for your financial assistance and stating you would be listed on the invitation. It is puzzling that her parents did not do this in view of your substantial contribution, but at this point, try to put that aside and be gracious for the sake of your son’s happiness. At the appropriate time, in view of your level of assistance, I don’t think it would be a bad thing to tell your son you were disappointed. But, do this with caution, as you don’t want to taint the happy memories for him. I hope her parents do profusely thank you for your help at some point during the wedding event, or certainly afterward. If they don’t, certainly the bride and groom should. In any event, just know you’ve done all you have out of deep, selfless love for your son.
I completely agree with Grace & Honor. My in-laws felt this same way, and I just wanted to tell them so many times, “It’s not about YOU!” It’s the bride’s family inviting guests to the wedding of their daughter, to an independent, self-sustaining man. It doesn’t matter if you’ve paid for a few select things. I understand that it’s nice that you did that, but why worry about something so trivial as your name on an invitation that will, for most guests, be thrown in the trash after the wedding? I think that those of you that are complaining about your name not on the invitation need to be a bit more excited about the MARRIAGE, not the wedding.
That said, as Grace and Honor mentioned, if you wished for your names to be included on the invitation, a discussion with your son should have taken place long before the invitations were sent out.
Be thankful that you have parents! My fiance has never been married, and I have. He’s a lovely man and would like to share our day with others, and not have a toned down affair. So, the wedding will be in his hometown. Our problem is that both of our fathers have passed away, and my mother recently passed away, also. We both want to honor our parents, dead and alive, as they were a major factor in our growth. Since I will be paying for the most of the wedding, I have no problem with our names as “hosts”, but we still want to include our parents’ names. Suggestions, anyone?
I would say: “bride”, daughter of the late x and x to “groom”, son of the Y and the late Y invite you to their wedding. Particularly if you are having a wedding where your guests will mingle with each other, you don’t want to create an awkward moment where someone might mistake another guest for one of your late parents. I also think this is a tactful way to resolve the question of your parents before the wedding so that you may approach the subject on your special day as you please. You don’t want the subject of your parents to come up at your wedding at a moment when you are not prepared.
Our son is getting married and the aunt’s and uncle’s asked to give them a brunch the day after the wedding. The person taking the lead has received feedback from other family members that they can only afford no more than a specific amount and now the per-person rate has gone over the amount.
We, groom’s parents, are more than happy to help out and make up the difference.
Questions:
1. While awkward for the lead host, is it still OK to list all hosts as if they provided an equal $$ share for the event?
2.. Groom’s parents would like to remain as anonymous contributors. Is that tacky and another awkward position for the lead host? We can keep a secret…:)
All hosts, regardless of percentage, should be listed equally; your guests should not know who paid what. If you can make your offer of contributing without public acknowledgment in such a way as won’t offend the hosts, then do so. As for timing, will the wedding couple not be on their honeymoon the day after they are married?
Thank you – actually they are leaving later that day. Thanks again for the advice.
Best you could edit the webpage title Invitation Inquiry: Whose parents go on your wedding invitations? to something more generic for your content you make. I loved the the writing yet.
My fiance’s mother refused to pay for ANYTHING stating, “It’s not my wedding, why should I have to pay for yours.” Now she is upset that her name was not placed onto the invitations. She has now returned her invite stating that she is not coming. What do I do?
It should be said that parents are not obligated to pay for any wedding costs. If you are hosting your own wedding (ie, paying for it) then it makes sense to word your invitation to indicate that.
Since this is your fiance’s mother, you should let him deal with her – it is not really your place to fight these battles, nor is it as effective for you to do so. I hope you both are able to sort out this relationship and have a happy wedding with whoever chooses to come!
While I realize this question doesn’t “best represent the most common concerns of [the Etiquette Daily] readers,” it is related to whose names are listed on the invite. My deceased mother left me some money specifically to help fund my wedding. Doesn’t that technically make her one of the hosts? I’ve seen myriad suggestions/opinions/”rules”/etc. on listing (or not listing) a deceased parent, but I feel the wedding-specific inheritance adds a twist to my situation. Personally, I like the idea of a superscript cross next to my mother’s name on the invitation and/or an appropriate tribute to her in the program.
Hosting is more then just paying for the wedding but actuially greeting and attending to the comfort of guests. As she is descesed she can not be a host. It will cause more disconcernment then pleasure to have your mom listed as hosting in addition several on the groom side or others who do not know are likely to be looking for and asking about why your mom was not at the wedding despite hosting and then feel foolish and sad when they find out at your wedding that she is passed away. Do not list her as a hostess as there is more to being a good hostess then money.
In your case I would do the style of invitation that is
You are invited to the wedding of
Betsi Ann
daughter of John Smith and the late Sarah Smith
joining in marriage with
John Adam Doe
son of Fawn and Stag Doe
on day month year
at time oclock
at some location
in some town and state
Here’s the Emily Post wording for one deceased parent:
Mr. [Mrs.] Arthur Watson Driscoll
requests the honour of your presence
at the marriage of his [her] daughter
Susan Patricia
to
Mr. Drew Randolph Morris
Saturday, the seventeenth of May
two thousand eleven
at two o’clock
New Haven Community Church
New Haven, Georgia
Alicia is right that hosting is not related to money.
http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/wedding-invitations-and-announcements/337-formal-wedding-invitation-variations-and-samples
Thank you for your feedback. Your posts make perfect sense and are much appreciated.
I just needed to put my opinion in. My (the bride’s) parents paid for the entire reception. My husband’s parents gave us a monetary gift which we put towards some expenses (photo, limo). My parents paid a GREAT deal more than his towards everything – but we listed ALL parents as hosts of the day. My parents did not feel that the invite should be a playbill of who paid for what. And all response cards were addressed to my parents – so that signifies who is “in charge” of the event so to speak. In addition, it is 2011 – women are more than self-sustainable and I was not “given away” but rather two families were joined together. Many of my friends listed the bride’s parents as “host” at the top of the invite and listed the groom’s parents under his name as “son of”. That might be a solution to many of these sticky situations – but in my opinion, this just seems a little caddy and tacky. This appears as if the bride’s parent’s want top billing – when that is NOT what the day should be about.
My parents paid for my brothers ENTIRE wedding. Church, limo, reception, flowers invitations, wedding gown you name it . Not to mention rehearsal dinner and paying for out of town guests. Guess what the BRIDES parents names went on the invitation not the grooms. They were more than happy to let it go and not get hung up on having their name on the invitation. The grooms parents need to get over themselves and realize the wedding is really a celebration for the couple!!!!
I’ve been married for 4 years now and I feel its right to share a bit of my persona experience with the wedding invitation sutff. I live on a small Island where, traditionally both sets of parents pay for the wedding expenses but I, being a working, independant woman, saved money from my salaries for my wedding while my husband expected his father (his mom doesn’t work) to pay for his share of the wedding expenses.
Now what happened is that a few years before the wedding (we dated 8 years before getting married), my father in law started having an affair with a girl twenty years younger who ripped him off of his savings, you get the picture. One year before the wedding, my Husband talked to me about postponing it because of this, I refused saying I’m not going to pay for anyone’s fault, we put our efforts together, he quickly saved money for one year like I did, we put everything in one account and did all the wedding expenses from that account.
Our wedding invitation said: “Justin and Joan together with their parents have the pleasure to invite you…” We paid for our wedding, my FIL nearly caused it to be postponed so I left out all the parents’ names on the invitation (to be fair), till today I didn’t hear a thing about it. Tradition is ok as long as it does not become ridiculous and outdated. In this modern era I think it is up to the bride and groom to decide.
Who pays and who hosts are separate things. Therefore, all the issues about who paid should have no effect on the invitation wording.
I received my son’s wedding invitation in the mail and it is worded like this:
Mr. and Mrs. Bride’s Parents Names
request the honor or your presence at the wedding of our daughter
Bride’s First Name to Groom’s First Name
Date
Time
Place
Reception to Follow
I don’t really care that our names were not on the invitation, but the Bride and Groom’s names were not spelled out and it leaves the question in my mind of “Groom who?”
Am I wrong to think this is tacky? I feel very hurt that his full name was not on the invitation and he said that anyone invited should know who they are….but that’s not my point! His wedding invitation doesn’t even has his full name AND the Bride’s parents have a different last name than she does so to me that is confusing to people who we invited because they don’t know what her last name is either.
Your opinion please!!!
I definitely understand your frustration! You are correct it is really confusing and strange to leave the Bride and Groom’s full names off. Most especially if they have semi-common names. I can’t tell you how many “Dave and Ashley”s, or “Joe and Michelle”s I know, and (unless your son Bucksnort is marrying his fiance Lalalina) there is a big chance that guests will have to rack their brains trying to figure out to whose wedding they’ve been invited.
Since the invitations seem to have already been printed and distributed, there is obviously nothing that can be done about them now. And even though invitations and their wording are the choice of the bride and groom, you have a legitimate worry that friends and family members could be terribly confused. I would suggest to your son that he call all of those on his side to confirm that they received HIS wedding invitation. Let the bride-to-be deal with the confusion on her side. If you are contacted by any of these guests “We got an invitation to a Rick and Jill’s wedding, is that your son?” I would be sure to pass the message along and let you son know that guests are bewildered.
A bit OT but excellent name choices!! LOL!! I think “bucksnort” could accurately describe the noise I just made trying not to laugh hysterically in the middle of the office.
MOG – the invitation you describe is strange, indeed. I can understand your feelings on behalf of your son (and future DIL – if I were her, I’d be peeved, too!). However, what’s done is done, and any complaining can only have negative consequences. Either this is something your DIL and son knew about ahead of time and were OK with or, if not, then it is a prompt for them to take a greater hand in the planning of their own wedding. I can’t imagine not seeing and proofing my own invitations before they went to print. What does the couple think about all this??
You are right that the groom’s full name is normally used on invitations so recipients on the groom’s side aren’t left wondering “John who?” I haven’t seen a rule regarding use of the bride’s last name, but it would make sense to me to use it if it isn’t obvious based on her parents’ names. I don’t know if I would call their invitation tacky, but it is confusing.