Q: My parents are paying for my wedding, so I thought it was proper to use only their names on the invitation. My fiance, Henry, agreed. Now his parents are wondering why their names have been left out. What should I do?
A: Don’t worry. What you did is absolutely correct, given that your parents are the hosts. Henry’s folks may have seen invitations issued jointly by two sets of parents, perhaps because both sides are paying or because there are stepparents involved. Whatever their reason for being upset, all you need to do in response is be especially thoughtful of them in the months to come.
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Um, excuse me… it should be WHOSE, and INVITATION.
Feeling a bit sheepish here, thank you.
As with any invitation, the host’s name customarily goes on the invitation. Traditionally the bride’s parents host the wedding. Today’s weddings can present us with a variety of different scenarios, but the guidelines remain the same.
I understand the parents of the bride hosting the wedding being the only name of the couple to be put on the invitation but… I feel it makes it look like parents of the groom are not supporting the uniting of the couple and grooms family is not asking family and friends to join. I’m embarassed and hurt that our names were not included as “parents of”. It’s my sons wedding too, not just the bride and her parents’. Bride planned a $5000.00 rehearsal dinner that we’re paying for, why are we not considered part of the hosts. The wedding is far away from us so there will be a big expense for travel, etc. Bride and groom also expect a nice reception in our hometown a few months after wedding for the many of those who can’t travel the distance. Lots of $$ for that too. I really am feeling crushed that the invitation does not have our name as he IS our son and we are doing a lot for them for the wedding.
This is an instance where hundreds of years of tradition are in play; tradition dictates that the bulk of expense for the wedding day itself is borne by the bride’s family, as in your case it is. It is certainly gracious of you to foot the bill for the rehearsal dinner, and tradition does dictate this as the obligation of the groom’s family; you, as the hosts should be the ones planning and deciding the budget for it and invitations to it should note you are the hosts. You are under no traditional obligation to host a later reception, but if you are, this is your chance to incorporate wording as you wish that states you are hosting this for your son and his bride.
The tradition of not naming the groom’s parents on a wedding invitation is based upon the assumption a man capable of becoming a husband is independent of his parents and does not need their permission to do so, nor their monetary backing. The idea of a rehearsal dinner is the modern equivalent of an ancient welcoming dinner given in honor of a bride who may have never met the groom’s family prior to the marriage and the expense was shouldered by his proud parents, intent on proving they were an affluent and cultured lot. It was assumed that if the groom was happy with his choice of bride, then his family was most certainly rejoicing in his happiness.
Tradition aside, some couples today are opting for the contemporary practice of listing the groom’s parents on the invitation, but in most cases, this also means his parents are paying for the privilege by contributing even more to the wedding expense. Perhaps it is not too late for you to discuss the viability of this with your son.
As in everything, we need to carefully consider what we wish for, as the realization of it is often a shock.
Just got the same shock. We as parents of the groom are not on the invitation. We are paying for the photographer, florist, limo’s, dj and rehersal. How do I approach this without causing a rift?
The time to have discussed your role and expectations (with your son) would have been during discussion of your financial participation. He then should have spoken with the bride and her parents and her parents should have contacted you thanking you for your financial assistance and stating you would be listed on the invitation. It is puzzling that her parents did not do this in view of your substantial contribution, but at this point, try to put that aside and be gracious for the sake of your son’s happiness. At the appropriate time, in view of your level of assistance, I don’t think it would be a bad thing to tell your son you were disappointed. But, do this with caution, as you don’t want to taint the happy memories for him. I hope her parents do profusely thank you for your help at some point during the wedding event, or certainly afterward. If they don’t, certainly the bride and groom should. In any event, just know you’ve done all you have out of deep, selfless love for your son.
Be thankful that you have parents! My fiance has never been married, and I have. He’s a lovely man and would like to share our day with others, and not have a toned down affair. So, the wedding will be in his hometown. Our problem is that both of our fathers have passed away, and my mother recently passed away, also. We both want to honor our parents, dead and alive, as they were a major factor in our growth. Since I will be paying for the most of the wedding, I have no problem with our names as “hosts”, but we still want to include our parents’ names. Suggestions, anyone?
I would say: “bride”, daughter of the late x and x to “groom”, son of the Y and the late Y invite you to their wedding. Particularly if you are having a wedding where your guests will mingle with each other, you don’t want to create an awkward moment where someone might mistake another guest for one of your late parents. I also think this is a tactful way to resolve the question of your parents before the wedding so that you may approach the subject on your special day as you please. You don’t want the subject of your parents to come up at your wedding at a moment when you are not prepared.
Be thankful that you have parents! My fiance has never been married, and I have. He’s a lovely man and would like to share our day with others, and not have a toned down affair. So, the wedding will be in his hometown. Our problem is that both of our fathers have passed away, and my mother recently passed away, also. We both want to honor our parents, dead and alive, as they were a major factor in our growth. Since I will be paying for the most of the wedding, I have no problem with our names as “hosts”, but we still want to include our parents’ names. Suggestions, anyone?
Our son is getting married and the aunt’s and uncle’s asked to give them a brunch the day after the wedding. The person taking the lead has received feedback from other family members that they can only afford no more than a specific amount and now the per-person rate has gone over the amount.
We, groom’s parents, are more than happy to help out and make up the difference.
Questions:
1. While awkward for the lead host, is it still OK to list all hosts as if they provided an equal $$ share for the event?
2.. Groom’s parents would like to remain as anonymous contributors. Is that tacky and another awkward position for the lead host? We can keep a secret…:)
All hosts, regardless of percentage, should be listed equally; your guests should not know who paid what. If you can make your offer of contributing without public acknowledgment in such a way as won’t offend the hosts, then do so. As for timing, will the wedding couple not be on their honeymoon the day after they are married?
Thank you – actually they are leaving later that day. Thanks again for the advice.