Q: A coworker recently invited me to her wedding, but the invitation was clearly addressed only to me and not my husband as well. Isn’t this bad form?
A: Yes, the invitation should have been addressed to both of you, because spouses, fiances, or live-in companions are invited to all weddings. The likeliest explanation is that rather than exercising “bad form,” your coworker was simply unaware of this guideline. Your response depends on your relationship. If shes a good friend, you might want to enlighten her in as tactful and gracious way as possible. If she’s more of a casual acquaintance-and you’ve discovered that the wedding is tightly budgeted-you could either decline or, if your husband isn’t interested in attending anyway, go to the wedding solo and socialize with other coworkers.
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Isn’t is also possible that the co-worker didn’t know this person is married?
How should one address an invitation when the spouse’s name is not known, or if one simply does not know whether the invitee is married (or engaged, or living with someone)?
You simply ask the invitee you do know, “Jane, I am looking forward to inviting you to my wedding; I’m sorry I’ve never found out if you are married or dating someone; of course, I’d like to invite him, too.”
At all costs, avoid “and date.” It is an insult to the date and lazy to boot. If the bride doesn’t know someone’s name, she has no business inviting them to her day of days.
I agree with the main reply. I must add that using the term, “invite”, is troubling. It is a verb, not a noun. Why are so many people using this term instead of the correct term, “invitation”.
Interesting point. I will think about this as I write in the future.
Last spring received an invitation to the second marriage of a nephew I had neither seen nor heard from for 15 years. The invitation was addressed to “Mrs. Annie Sxx” and Mr Denny Sxx”. I have not used the diminutive of my first name for 40 years, am a ‘Dr’ not a ‘Mrs’ ( a salutation I have never used) and my spouse does not have the same last name as mine. The obvious rudeness and laziness of this nephew, who could have asked his mother or dad for my spouse’s name, was bewildering at best. We did not attend but sent a small gift-have yet to receive a thank you note, however.
And you are surprised you haven’t received a thank you note?
It just weeks before my partner’s niece’s wedding when an invitation to her wedding arrived in our mail box. The invitation was addressed to my partner only. My partner, and I had been living together about eight years at that time. This niece, and her family, had been guests, and entertained in my home on several occasions. I went to great effort to ensure my guests were wined and dined with all the best I could offer to them. I am known amongst my friends and my family as a skilled hostess. Inside the wedding invitation, there was no indication that I was to be included at the nuptials. I was hurt. My partner was angry with me for being upset, and angry at his family for snubbing me. So, he didn’t reply right away. He put the invitation aside, seemingly forgetting about it. A couple of weeks later, my partner’s brother telephoned to see why he had not replied to the invitation. My partner told his brother he was a little confused because my name didn’t appear on the invitation. His brother replied, “well we didn’t know her last name.” My partner, over the telephone, relayed my full name to his brother. A week later, another invitation arrived. The invitation was again addressed to my partner, but stated, “and guest”. I didn’t attend the wedding. To me, it was abundantly clear after the issue of two invitations, I was not going to be a welcomed guest. When my partner returned home from the wedding he told me, “If it is any consolation to you, the reason you were not invited was because my sister in-law, (the mother of the bride), did not know how she should introduce you to the other guests. She thought it would be awkward to introduce you as my partner, and not my wife.” This wedding did not take place 100 years ago as you would think by this attitude, it was eight years ago. This sister-in-law could have consulted a wedding ettiqute book to solve her introduction problems, but instead, she chose bad manners.
This is an APALLING saga. For starters, why on earth, after all the time they have known you and been hosted by you in your home, they didn’t learn your name is absolutely incomprehensible and obviously indicates they are one big bunch of self-absorbed louts.
As for your partner’s annoyance with you for being hurt at the snub you initally received, I can only surmise he was embarassed by his family’s behavior. We shall give him a pass on that. However, he should have (or still should) firmly state(d) to both his brother and sister-in-law, “My partner, Eve, the woman I love, has been deeply hurt to learn that you do not even know her last name after all the years she has welcomed you into our home. I would appreciate you contacting her and apologizing to her for not properly inviting her to Sally’s wedding. We BOTH have been very offended by this.”
Things may have stood a chance of repair had the second invitation been addressed to you only. But, they made yet another severe gaffe by sending a second invitation to your partner and failing to invite you by name.
The ignorant wife of your partner’s brother is obviously socially stunted. As for introducing you, no explanation of your relationship to your partner is necessary or called for. “This is Adam, Jack’s brother, and this is Eve.”
The most important behavior in this group is that of your partner. He should be your champion and rise to your defense against any threat to your physical well-being and emotional happiness. This is a measure of the man.
Take heart, friend. You have our empathy and it is obvious this family could greatly benefit from your gracious example in the future.
My wife’s former boss and his wife attended our wedding five months ago. Now, they invited only her to their son’s Bar Mitzvah! They’re very nice people, and I’m thinking it’s just on oversight. Then again, I’m a little intrigued by the advice in the lead answer, that she could go alone!
What’s the best way to respond?
Should she send back the RSVP saying she will not attend without her husband?
Your wife may decline, yes, but not say, “I am not coming because my husband was not invited.” It is unfortunate that this oversight has occured, but is not up to you or your wife to correct it. If you both weigh the pros and cons of declining it and decide she should go, then she should go alone. If mention is made of your absence by the hosts, she most definately should respond, “Jeff would have liked to have been here, but was not on the invitation.” This protects your proper reputation and alerts the hosts to their oversight. Hopefully, profuse apologies will flow.
A couple, who are coworkers, invited only me to their wedding and did not include my husband. (they both know I’m married). I’m sure it was done out of etiquette ignorance, but rather than hurt my husband’s feelings, I did not tell him about the slight and I graciously declined the invitation stating that I could not attend (no explanation). I did purchase a small gift for them which I received a prompt thank you note so I was relieved to know that sending thank yous was in their radar.
I cannot tell you how lovely your comment was to read; it is wonderful you conducted yourself as you did and how astute you are!
My cousin’s son is getting married this summer. I am very close to this cousin and her son is my godson. My cousin told me that she was only given a few slots for her family so she is inviting me but not my husband. I think this is in very bad form. Should I say something? My husband is also irritated by this. Thanks,
This is indeed very bad form and if your husband is not invited, you would be justifiably correct in declining the invitation. If upon your declining, your cousin asks why, you might say, “My husband and I are a couple and that is the way I attend social events. Though I am John’s godmother, my husband has been equally supportive of that relationship.”
It is also very bad form for a bride to leave so little room for the groom’s family to invite those important in his life, and put his family in this situation. It is this initial self-centered decision from which your cousin’s faux pas flowed.
I disagree that it is in poor form to add “and guest” — for my wedding many of my girlfriends were not in a serious relationship with a particular person. I invited every single person to my wedding with a date, because I think it would be rude not to. If they were married or in a serious relationship both names went on the invite, if not, the friend’s name did along with “and guest” — it was also made clear that they could bring a friend if they didn’t have anyone serious enough to bring as a date to a wedding — as that can be awkward in new relationships. However, I think it is incredibly rude to not accommodate every guest and to ensure that they are comfortable and know at least one other person at the event, and if your budget forbids it, perhaps rethink your priorities.
best,
It sounds to me like you have done everything exactly the way Emily Post would recommend. Of course you can invite any guest to bring a “guest” of their own choosing, and this can indeed be very thoughtful allowance. It is not a traditional expectation that one allows this of every single attendee. I would also add that I like the way you are thinking about the experience of your guests. It is indeed considerate to account for how single guests are involved either by allowing them to bring guests or by seating them with people who they know or who you suspect they might like to know. More than one wedding began with an introduction made at another.
I am in a state of shock and I need a clear answer. Recently, my boyfriend’s father and step mother sent us a change the date card for the father’s retirement party. Originally it had been set for 2 months ago and due to a natural disaster, it had to be rescheduled for this month. Originally the invitation was addressed to my boyfriend only. The later sent change the date card was addressed to “Mr. John Doe and Guest”. I come from a background where decorum is only guided by common courtesy and my boyfriend’s family comes from an afluent background that includes debutants and tons of social training; so naturally I am curious to find out my answer in this situation. You see he and I have dated for a year and have lived together for 8 months, his family adores me, and I have even hosted them in my home for a birthday celebration in which they met my entire family, but the truth of the matter is I am a bit appauled and shocked that I was not mentioned as a real person on this card. Perhaps the initial invitation was a simple reminder for my boyfriend of the party details so it didn’t matter my name wasn’t on it, because of course I am invited; however, the “and Guest” revision to the change the date card has shocked me. Is this appropriate? My boyfriend states that she probably forgot my last name. Shouldn’t she have just asked him if she was unsure and addressed to both of us, or am I completely wrong and she is right? I am not used to the “proper” ways of things, so after hours browsing the web, I am still at a loss. My mother always addressed unmarried couples envelopes as Mr. Male Name and Ms. Female Name on seperate lines so as not to offend. I guess I am overly offended because the Author of the card is such a supreme example of fine form normally and it feels like this time not so much. There is no underlying agnst or disdain either, so it makes no sense. So accident on her part or ignorance on mine?
Sincerly Yours,
Shocked and Confused
You are right, not including your full name on the invitation is not appropriate. Boyfriend’s step mother should have called bf to get your correct spelling. The phrase “And guest” is used for a single person or for a brand new relationship where the couple does not live together. At this point in the game she should have the courtesy to at least know, as well as include, your name. On your other point, a Save the Date type invitation should have also included the names of all invited (Ie your boyfriend and yourself.)
While I understand completely your hurt, I do truly hope in her rush/stress boyfriend’s stepmother just had a momentary lapse of good judgment and meant no insult. If he feels it necessary, boyfriend may want to mention when he RSVPs for the both of you that his feelings were a little hurt that she didn’t include your name seeing as how you both, as a couple, have welcomed his family into your home and lives.
I agree with CG. While the invitation was addressed incorrectly, I would not let this mini faux-pas loom large in your mind. Rather, think about how your boyfriend’s family has treated you and how your interactions have been with them over the past year. If you find this mis-addressing of the envelope really out of character for the Stepmom, chances are it is a weird one-time thing and nothing was meant by it.
I actually don’t think you should have your boyfriend mention it, lest you gain a reputation for being overly sensitive and a bit of a drama queen. I’ll bet that she thought she was doing something nice by adding the +1.
How would you handle this challenge? My daughter is getting married soon and we are at a loss as to how to handle our situation. My husband has a sister who is married to the worst kind of bigot. He has never allowed us into his home and makes no bones about the reason. My sister-in-law tolerates his behavior toward us and so I have no use for her, either. Normally I would never invite either of them to our daughter’s wedding.
The issue is my mother-in-law . She is widowed and disabled to the point of needing assistance at the affair. She is close to her daughter and won’t know anyone else at the wedding. She won’t come if her daughter is not there and there would be WWIII if the daughter is excluded. The problem is my husband flat out refuses to host the bigot or include him on our invitation ( he wouldn’t come). Can we include my sister-in-law on my mother-in-law’s invitation to make it clear she is being invited only as a guest or is that tacky?
Yes it is tacky to invite only one half of a married couple. They are a social unit and thus you really should not invite one wuithout the other to a social occasion.
How about inviting grandma of the bride with and guest. then letting her know casually in conversation that bride and groom did not invite the aunt and uncle they are not close to and if she wants that aunt of the bride there she is welcome to bring aunt of bride as her guest.
That way grandma of bride can not complain that aunt of bride is not invited as she can bring her as her guest. If grandma decided to bring a different guest that is also grandmas choice. Tosses the whole problem in grandmas court.
What does your daughter think/want? It is her wedding, after all.
Family members who were overly difficult or engaged in perpetual rudeness were not invited to my wedding, meaning none of my mother’s siblings nor their spouses were invited. This was my decision alone. Being related doesn’t automatically mean invitations must be forthcoming.
Maybe now would be a good time to air out your concerns with your sister-in-law. Have your husband speak to her and say something like, “for the sake of our other guests, we wouldn’t feel comfortable inviting your husband if there is any chance at all that he might say something about … Can you guarantee that that won’t happen? I’m holding you responsible if it does.” When she realizes her wedding invitation is on the line, she may feel more inclined to take action.
Thank you for your responses!
Alicia, I wanted to do just that, but thought it is traditionally considered rude to put “and guest” if you can possibly determine who the guest will be in advance. However, “and guest” may be the best compromise solution we have.
Just Laura, My daughter has her opinions about the people involved, but is leaving the decision as to whether or not to include her aunt to us. We don’t understand why my sister-in-law puts up with the husband’s behavior and she won’t discuss it. She wasn’t raised that way. That leaves open all kind of possibilities, not all of which are malicious intent on her part.
When you put “and guest”on the grandmas invite you are allowing her to bring anyone she can make teh choice to invite her daughter or a friend to keep her company.
“and guest” is rude when soemone is in a socially commpited relationship like living together so you know for 100 sure who teh guest will be. In this case the grandma can bring her daughter or she can bring a friend. Either should be accepted if you write “and guest” on her invite
Thank you!