Q: A coworker recently invited me to her wedding, but the invitation was clearly addressed only to me and not my husband as well. Isn’t this bad form?
A: Yes, the invitation should have been addressed to both of you, because spouses, fiances, or live-in companions are invited to all weddings. The likeliest explanation is that rather than exercising “bad form,” your coworker was simply unaware of this guideline. Your response depends on your relationship. If shes a good friend, you might want to enlighten her in as tactful and gracious way as possible. If she’s more of a casual acquaintance-and you’ve discovered that the wedding is tightly budgeted-you could either decline or, if your husband isn’t interested in attending anyway, go to the wedding solo and socialize with other coworkers.
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Isn’t is also possible that the co-worker didn’t know this person is married?
How should one address an invitation when the spouse’s name is not known, or if one simply does not know whether the invitee is married (or engaged, or living with someone)?
You simply ask the invitee you do know, “Jane, I am looking forward to inviting you to my wedding; I’m sorry I’ve never found out if you are married or dating someone; of course, I’d like to invite him, too.”
At all costs, avoid “and date.” It is an insult to the date and lazy to boot. If the bride doesn’t know someone’s name, she has no business inviting them to her day of days.
I agree with the main reply. I must add that using the term, “invite”, is troubling. It is a verb, not a noun. Why are so many people using this term instead of the correct term, “invitation”.
Interesting point. I will think about this as I write in the future.
Last spring received an invitation to the second marriage of a nephew I had neither seen nor heard from for 15 years. The invitation was addressed to “Mrs. Annie Sxx” and Mr Denny Sxx”. I have not used the diminutive of my first name for 40 years, am a ‘Dr’ not a ‘Mrs’ ( a salutation I have never used) and my spouse does not have the same last name as mine. The obvious rudeness and laziness of this nephew, who could have asked his mother or dad for my spouse’s name, was bewildering at best. We did not attend but sent a small gift-have yet to receive a thank you note, however.
And you are surprised you haven’t received a thank you note?
It just weeks before my partner’s niece’s wedding when an invitation to her wedding arrived in our mail box. The invitation was addressed to my partner only. My partner, and I had been living together about eight years at that time. This niece, and her family, had been guests, and entertained in my home on several occasions. I went to great effort to ensure my guests were wined and dined with all the best I could offer to them. I am known amongst my friends and my family as a skilled hostess. Inside the wedding invitation, there was no indication that I was to be included at the nuptials. I was hurt. My partner was angry with me for being upset, and angry at his family for snubbing me. So, he didn’t reply right away. He put the invitation aside, seemingly forgetting about it. A couple of weeks later, my partner’s brother telephoned to see why he had not replied to the invitation. My partner told his brother he was a little confused because my name didn’t appear on the invitation. His brother replied, “well we didn’t know her last name.” My partner, over the telephone, relayed my full name to his brother. A week later, another invitation arrived. The invitation was again addressed to my partner, but stated, “and guest”. I didn’t attend the wedding. To me, it was abundantly clear after the issue of two invitations, I was not going to be a welcomed guest. When my partner returned home from the wedding he told me, “If it is any consolation to you, the reason you were not invited was because my sister in-law, (the mother of the bride), did not know how she should introduce you to the other guests. She thought it would be awkward to introduce you as my partner, and not my wife.” This wedding did not take place 100 years ago as you would think by this attitude, it was eight years ago. This sister-in-law could have consulted a wedding ettiqute book to solve her introduction problems, but instead, she chose bad manners.
This is an APALLING saga. For starters, why on earth, after all the time they have known you and been hosted by you in your home, they didn’t learn your name is absolutely incomprehensible and obviously indicates they are one big bunch of self-absorbed louts.
As for your partner’s annoyance with you for being hurt at the snub you initally received, I can only surmise he was embarassed by his family’s behavior. We shall give him a pass on that. However, he should have (or still should) firmly state(d) to both his brother and sister-in-law, “My partner, Eve, the woman I love, has been deeply hurt to learn that you do not even know her last name after all the years she has welcomed you into our home. I would appreciate you contacting her and apologizing to her for not properly inviting her to Sally’s wedding. We BOTH have been very offended by this.”
Things may have stood a chance of repair had the second invitation been addressed to you only. But, they made yet another severe gaffe by sending a second invitation to your partner and failing to invite you by name.
The ignorant wife of your partner’s brother is obviously socially stunted. As for introducing you, no explanation of your relationship to your partner is necessary or called for. “This is Adam, Jack’s brother, and this is Eve.”
The most important behavior in this group is that of your partner. He should be your champion and rise to your defense against any threat to your physical well-being and emotional happiness. This is a measure of the man.
Take heart, friend. You have our empathy and it is obvious this family could greatly benefit from your gracious example in the future.
My wife’s former boss and his wife attended our wedding five months ago. Now, they invited only her to their son’s Bar Mitzvah! They’re very nice people, and I’m thinking it’s just on oversight. Then again, I’m a little intrigued by the advice in the lead answer, that she could go alone!
What’s the best way to respond?
Should she send back the RSVP saying she will not attend without her husband?
Your wife may decline, yes, but not say, “I am not coming because my husband was not invited.” It is unfortunate that this oversight has occured, but is not up to you or your wife to correct it. If you both weigh the pros and cons of declining it and decide she should go, then she should go alone. If mention is made of your absence by the hosts, she most definately should respond, “Jeff would have liked to have been here, but was not on the invitation.” This protects your proper reputation and alerts the hosts to their oversight. Hopefully, profuse apologies will flow.
A couple, who are coworkers, invited only me to their wedding and did not include my husband. (they both know I’m married). I’m sure it was done out of etiquette ignorance, but rather than hurt my husband’s feelings, I did not tell him about the slight and I graciously declined the invitation stating that I could not attend (no explanation). I did purchase a small gift for them which I received a prompt thank you note so I was relieved to know that sending thank yous was in their radar.
I cannot tell you how lovely your comment was to read; it is wonderful you conducted yourself as you did and how astute you are!
My cousin’s son is getting married this summer. I am very close to this cousin and her son is my godson. My cousin told me that she was only given a few slots for her family so she is inviting me but not my husband. I think this is in very bad form. Should I say something? My husband is also irritated by this. Thanks,
This is indeed very bad form and if your husband is not invited, you would be justifiably correct in declining the invitation. If upon your declining, your cousin asks why, you might say, “My husband and I are a couple and that is the way I attend social events. Though I am John’s godmother, my husband has been equally supportive of that relationship.”
It is also very bad form for a bride to leave so little room for the groom’s family to invite those important in his life, and put his family in this situation. It is this initial self-centered decision from which your cousin’s faux pas flowed.
I disagree that it is in poor form to add “and guest” — for my wedding many of my girlfriends were not in a serious relationship with a particular person. I invited every single person to my wedding with a date, because I think it would be rude not to. If they were married or in a serious relationship both names went on the invite, if not, the friend’s name did along with “and guest” — it was also made clear that they could bring a friend if they didn’t have anyone serious enough to bring as a date to a wedding — as that can be awkward in new relationships. However, I think it is incredibly rude to not accommodate every guest and to ensure that they are comfortable and know at least one other person at the event, and if your budget forbids it, perhaps rethink your priorities.
best,
It sounds to me like you have done everything exactly the way Emily Post would recommend. Of course you can invite any guest to bring a “guest” of their own choosing, and this can indeed be very thoughtful allowance. It is not a traditional expectation that one allows this of every single attendee. I would also add that I like the way you are thinking about the experience of your guests. It is indeed considerate to account for how single guests are involved either by allowing them to bring guests or by seating them with people who they know or who you suspect they might like to know. More than one wedding began with an introduction made at another.