Q: My husband and I have been invited to the wedding of a couple who’ve lived together for at least five years. Instead of customary gifts (they own all a couple could possibly need), they are asking guests to donate to a travel fund they created for a long trip to the South Seas. Sorry, but that strikes me as crass.
A: The couple’s mistake was not in hoping for a certain type of wedding gift-money, gift certificates, and even “donations” to pay for pricey trips are all appropriate these days. Where they went wrong was in telling guests what to give. It is each guest’s prerogative to decide what to get and how much to spend. That’s why the trend of slipping gift-registry information on invitations is so tasteless. The best way for a couple to share their wish list is through word of mouth: Tell close friends and relatives about dream gifts and let them spread the word.
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
1. I see nothing wrong to “give money” as wedding gifts; I see it more and more each year.
2. I applaud the couple for being very straight forward about what they want/like. More times than usual people get gifts that they don’t even want, like or even need. If you give them some gift cards from certain stores, what if it turned out to be something they don’t like or need, wouldn’t that make you sad to learn that your gifts totally went to a waste?!
3. It’s their wedding, they have every right to make it the way they want it, including how they would like to be gifted. Like other EPD advice, wedding gifts are the “best wishes”. you are kindda obligated to abide by the “wish list”.
my $0.2
Call me old fashioned but I see the mistake was in asking for gifts at all! Wedding gifts began as a way to help the new couple set up house, not reward them for finally making it legal. If they’ve been living together for 5 years, (or even 5 months) they should have a small ceremony for close friends and relatives. Anything else is what we in the South call “tacky”.
Preach it, Sister, preach it!!!!!!!
More and more people are including their gift registry information with their wedding invitation. Many in my circle see nothing wrong with it because they feel that guests want to know. Personally, I still think it is very tacky. If guest really want to know, they need to stop being lazy and call the couple or their parents and find out where they are registered!
I personally find it offensive when some one dictates to me what I am to get them. It is a gift not a charity.
It’s like I tell my children…Do you send a wish list of gifts in your Birthday party invitations? No. You are inviting your friend to your birthday because you like them, not because they are going to give you a present you want. If they want to ask you want you would like, then it’s o.k. to say you are hoping for a football or Lego’s or whatever. But you certainly don’t dictate in the invitation. I hear this week of there now being a wedding registry at the bank….so you can just transfer money into the newlywed’s account. Is this because the guests are too stupid to know how to write a check or is it because it is such a bother for the bride and groom to have to sign the back of them and drive them to the bank? Tacky, Tacky.
Great analogy Beth. I will be thinking about ways to use this in the future to communicate the point.
Q: We’ve been invited to a wedding by a friend who attended our wedding recently and didn’t give us a gift. Are we obligated to give one to them? I feel by standard manners, a wedding invitation requires a gift, no matter how small. I don’t want to be rude, but they didn’t give us one. What do I do?
You do the right thing and you know what that is.
Give a gift. It is better to be the bigger more generous person then to live life tit for tat. You will feel better about yourself.
Thanks! I know you are both right. At ours they had a good time and drank up a storm and even though I am slightly annoyed, I know you are right. I’ll send something (we can’t even attend theirs because of work obligations). Appreciate it.
A couple who we invited to our wedding but didn’t attend sent us a gift. They got married after us and we were not invited to their wedding. Are we obligated to give a gift?
No you are not obligated to send a gift. However, a gift if you feel like that would be a nice expression of your happiness at this milestone in their lives would be a lovely thing.
Thanks, was kinda feeling guilty for not sending something, but we are newlyweds and have to watch how we spend!
Consider then at least sending a Letter saying how happy both of you are for them. Cheap but can be meaningful and sweet.