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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Hello,
How are you doing today???
I am an IS/IT Services Consultant building a consultant firm.
6 months ago, I sent a formal (snail mail) invitation to several individuals I’ve worked for and worked with, to meet with me for “Brunch or Lunch and Brain Pick”. I stated in my invite, that I knew they had busy schedules and I was open to their scheduling of my request. 3 days later, I followed up with an informal (email) invitation to the same individuals. Of the 10 invitations I sent, only 5 responded. Of that 5, only 3 met with me.
I repeated this process 3 months ago and got the same results (same people responded).
Now that I have been awarded a project I bidded on, the individuals who did not respond, are calling and emailing me every day.
These people are CEO’s, Directors and Managers in their companies. I have ALWAYS thought WE had a “good” relationship. WE have worked together on many projects, and I have met with them whenever they requested. I do not want to “burn” ANY bridges. What is the proper way to handle this type of situation?????
Thank you,
You didn’t strike the match, the non-respondents did. I’ve been in your shoes, and enjoy working best with the most diligent and polite of those on my contact list.
These things are very fluid; next year, these non-respondents may surface again and this year’s respondents slip away. Be polite in your correspondence and non-committal; there is no need for a declarative, “You were indifferent; I don’t want you in my sandbox now.” Work with what you’ve got now, remain non-judgmental and make some hay while you can.
This is unfortunately more typical than not in this day and age. Especially young business men and women have no regard for respect and protocol. Their eyes are solely on the dollar and their convenience. To me, it illustrates clearly that they are ill equipped to be respected themselves in the business world and need to smarten up. Perhaps next time they will not be so cavalier. My advice is to diffuse the energy around this situation and move on. By diffuse, I mean leave it alone. Do nothing. Respond politely to their inquiries as you would normally. Be sure to to make the same mistake they did. I doubt you will. You, after all, landed the contracts. Congratulations! Jay
Not sure if I’m in the right place for questions or not…
I’m in the middle of planning my second wedding; the groom and I have both been married before and aren’t having a big “to-do” over again.
Our civil ceremony is a few weeks before the reception. We were only going to send out invites to the reception, but several family members have since expressed interest in attending the ceremony as well.
The ceremony will be at a restaurant; the groom and I plan on having lunch there afterward and just bar-hopping with the rest of the evening. While we figure the more the merrier, my mother has expressed concern that the family members who want to attend the ceremony will think we are picking up the lunch/bar tab. She’s suggested having family over to her house after the ceremony. That’s fine with us, but the groom and I don’t plan on going there.
Is there a polite way of informing those that want to attend the ceremony of all this? I’m thinking of just sending a little flier to those I’ve heard from, mentioning that food and drink will be available for purchase after the ceremony, and they’re welcome to either bar hop with us or go to my parents’ house. Is that clear enough?
Dear Ms. Whittaker,
“Is this clear enough?” ‘No’ answers that question. This is quickly turning into a real mess. First of all, you state that you are planning the wedding; your reception will follow several weeks later; and that you and your groom will have your ceremony at a restaurant. Your mother does not need to concern herself with this whole affair except to heed your wishes. I am puzzled how the whole restaurant scene will unfold, given that this is a legal ceremony, but that is just a logistical obstacle which can be overcome. If other members of your family want to attend the ceremony, that is bizarre. They’re not invited, right? They can come to the reception as you planned. That eliminates the concerns your mother has. You and your spouse need to take charge here. Have things the way you want them, period. I do hope you do have a plan in your minds as to how you want this to all unfold. If not, make one and stick to it. Congratulations to you both and may you have many happy years together. Jay
I think you’ve worded your solution perfectly. Succinct and non-committal. Putting it just that way should allow you and your spouse to follow your original plan and let others do as they please, without putting you in the middle of things. Beware, however, that since it is your day and the whole motivation of others is to join you that you may have to bend a little to accommodate others.
Lets get this straight: 1. The wedding is a “few weeks before the reception.” You are sending invitations to the reception but not the wedding. 2. People have invited themselves to the wedding. 3. The wedding is at a restaurant. You and the groom are then having lunch there, and not inviting any attendees to be your guests. 4. Your mother is offering to have the wedding crashers to her home for lunch, but you won’t be there. 5. Everything wraps up with bar-hopping.
E-L-O-P-E!
Am I correct in assuming that you never invited any of these folks to your ceremony? If so, I’d say your flier is downright gracious! Maybe you could arrange a quick champagne toast if you feel a need to foot the bill?? Bubbly is always festive and one glass lets everyone participate and feel part of your wedding.
I liked the column from last week about how children should address adults. However, how do you fix the situation now? My husband’s friends have always allowed their children to call me by my first name. I was never comfortable with it but since this started when my husband and I were only dating and we rarely saw these children, I just let it go.
Now they’re getting older and it’s bugging me more. Is there a diplomatic way to correct the situation without it seeming like I’m being a snob? The catch is that my husband sees nothing wrong/improper about being addressed by his first name, so I can’t count on getting his support to address this with his friends. We’ve also talked about what to do if we were to have kids. He doesn’t feel that someone should be “auntie” or “uncle” unless there’s a family tie (which is the opposite of my upbringing and societal norm). I was raised to address my parents’ close friends like so. I think that it’s more respectful to use some form of address to a grown-up.
Any reasonable advice out there? Even if it isn’t 100% true to Emily Post?
Dear RL,
I see a couple of red flags here. First of all, the whole point of good manners and proper etiquette is to not only have respect for other people but to show that respect as well. Secondly, I think the difference you and your husband have on this matter is problematic. I do not disagree with your husband’s objection to using familial nominals (auntie or uncle) in association with non-family members. It may be opposite to your upbringing, which is fine, but it is not the societal norm. My suggestion is that you not make a big issue about this. When you have your own children, raise them as you both agree they should be raised and teach them how to address other people according to your joint plan. I think Mr. and Mrs. is a good place to start. Other people’s children’s behavior is beyond your realm and control. I hope this helps. Jay
Hi Jay,
Welcome to the site. I am liking the flavor of your replies. I hope you come back again and continue to engage the discussion.
I think Mrs. Post was a realist, and if she wasn’t, she surely would be in this day and age.
Lets apply realistic expectations to your situation. It is too late to re-direct the young people in question. They have become accustomed to addressing you one way, and now, years later, you want to change the rules, rules which you should have weighed in on when they were implemented.
Yes, well-mannered children should use a title when addressing adults and it is the responsibility of adults in their lives to teach them, and encourage them to respect the wishes of persons in what they prefer to be called, regardless of whether the adults like the person’s choice or not. I am with your husband re the aunt/uncle thing; better to use Mr. or Mrs or Miss or somesuch. If you meet new children and parents, you’ll have opportunity for a do-over.
Thank you for your input; I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your answer. To clarify, while it might not be common in North America culture to use “auntie/uncle” with non-family members, it does happen amongst people of my culture (Asian), even those of us who now live here and not only in my homeland. It’s considered the polite thing to do while recognising a closeness of those individuals.
I should’ve mentioned that the children are all under the age of 7 currently; do you still think that it’s too late to have them address me differently? What about a younger sibling (currently an infant)? Would it be possible to have her address me as I prefer?
How should I weigh in on this topic in the future with new children? If my friend introduces me by my first name, how do I graciously offer an alternative? Would Ms./Mr. first name be acceptable or should we stick to Ms./Mr./Mrs. Last name?
Dear RL,
Thank you for clarifying your situation. Yes, I am aware of the Asian cultures’ use of Auntie/Uncle, and know this is common among Hispanic/Latino cultures as well, and this does in fact nuance your situation. If the children in question are of Asian descent and most of the parents are and use Auntie/Uncle, then by all means, continue the tradition. Surely your husband will see the charm in this.
As for the young children you wish to retrain, this will be best realized if all the adults involved are on the same page. Would the mothers be open to sitting down with you and hearing your reasons for wanting change? Are you close enough to them so they would not be offended, but know that you have the best interests of their children in mind? As the women go, so shall the men, and if you get the mothers on board, they’ll make the fathers support this campaign.
As for someone, friend or husband, introducing you by your first name to a child, it would be great to be able to have the conversation about using your title prior to the introduction. But if you are caught by surprise and introduced as Renee and not Mrs. Lee, this is what I would suggest: Bend down to the child’s level, look them in the eye, take them by the hand, smile broadly and say, “My first name is Renee, but I want my very special young friends like you to call me Mrs. Lee; will you do that for me?” Then follow up and say, “Do you have a special name you’d like for me to call you?” Do you see how this is a bonding, all most conspiratorial moment with the child? I daresay if you do this consistently, the children will view you as a glorious Pied Piper, and adults will take note.
I do admire your concern about the underlying issue of what, to the uninformed, may seem a trivial matter, but we know it isn’t. This is a fundamental tool in teaching children, future adult citizens of our society, the basics of human respect.
Please stay in touch with your friends here; we support you fully.
I am in graduate school and recently completed a difficult summer class with a professor who is demanding, unforgiving, highly intellectual and borderline pompous. For the various stages of our final project he laid out a number of rules and deadlines. He stated very clearly that, a) if we had a problem with one of our group mates (selected by the professor) during the group portion of the project that it was our problem to work it out and he did not want to hear about it, b) if we missed a deadline, even by one second, that we would get a zero for the project, fail the class and have to take it over again, no exceptions, and c) not to worry about group problems because we would have the opportunity to evaluate each of our group member’s performance when the project was completed. As luck would have it I was teamed with a classmate who is notorious for not completing work on time or to the given standards required by teachers. Of course once the groups were announced this classmate told me not to worry, that he actually liked the subject and that he was motivated to get the work done by any required deadlines. Not to mention that at this point he had already missed the previous 2 classes, including the presentation and explanation of the assignment by the professor, while visiting family in another part of the country. This classmate proceeded to take a “I’ll do whatever you give me to do” approach to the work, and didn’t do that work on time leaving another classmate and I to complete it for him. Lastly, he handed the 2nd portion of the project in many hours late and the final portion a full day late. I met all of the deadlines and was also pleased with the quality of my work. He ended up getting a B and I got a B+. There was no peer review once the project was over and I am now completely coincidentally working with that teacher as a graduate assistant for the Fall semester. I never take the role of a tattler and I have not said anything to the professor, but my new found lack of respect for him makes it hard for me to take him seriously or even want to listen to him at times. On top of all of this, he will be my teacher for my masters thesis, and I am afraid that this will all boil over when he puts me under a similar set of deadlines/pressure. Is there any dignified (and safe) way to approach him to help me understand why this classmate got an extraordinary level of special treatment, or am I doomed to suck it up and try to put it past me? Any suggestions of what to say?
Your frustation is justified, but I encourage you to think calmly about how best to survive this situation. The teacher in question has proven to be mercurial, heavy-handed and unpredictable. Do not approach him about your lazy teammate’s B as this will surely whiplash on you in some way. Keep your eye on your ultimate goal, and know that your forced interaction with this teacher will eventually end and you will be able to move on, having acquired valuable survival skills that you’ll draw upon throughout your life, as regretfully, personalities like your teacher’s are all too common in the world. Mold your life so that you are the one to determine who you must deal with throughout it.