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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
i have a question about baby shower thank you notes and thank you notes for toddler birthday parties.
my niece had a baby shower about a year and a half ago (first child). i hand made her a christening gown (took me 3 months for both items) and crocheted a blanket to go with it. i never received a thank you card (i did attend the shower) and she never used the christening gown. i was hoping for at least a picture of the baby in the gown. she did acknowledge from across the room as she and her boyfriend were opening the gift, “thank you aunt _____”. jump to present, a few months ago she had a birthday party, held about 60 miles away . . . i didn’t feel up to traveling, but i did send a gift from the family. i’ve yet to receive a thank you of any type. now she’s having a 1st birthday party for her second child, next month. i have second thoughts about sending anymore gifts if they can’t be acknowledged. it’s not just a little family get together type party, either. it’s being held at an orchard . . . apple picking, pumpkin patches, cider mill . . . i’m not real big on babies birthday parties . . . i really don’t think babies realize what is going on . . . i think that the parties are for roughly 5 years old and up. my daughter told her cousin that if she was going to have this party, that she might want to think about sending out thank you notes for the gifts. plus she told her that i worked hard on the gown (chantilly lace and silk) and that she never used it or sent an acknowledgement. my niece told her if she thanked you at the party, that should be enough and that she shouldn’t have to send out thank you notes. i was taught that if you sent out an invitation, you should send out thank you cards. or am i just old school?
now my niece is not talking to my daughter because she’s mad about it being mentioned.
It is required, in polite society, to acknowledge in written form, thanks for gifts received, via a shower or otherwise, and particularly those that are handmade with such loving thoughtfulness; your hurt feelings are entirely understandable. Your daughter did your niece a favor by mentioning your feelings; it is a shame your niece did not take that opportunity to come to you and apologize for her insensitivity and ingratitude. Were I in your shoes, baby would receive a birthday card in the mail (and no currency). It is a marvel that the erring party is often the most offended, as it appears your niece is.
I recently started working for a very professional woman who is about to go on maternity leave. Since I have started working for her, I have been busy arranging everything to run smoothly in her absence — she just refers to it as “my leave,” not “maternity leave” or “when I have my baby” and has not spoken very much to me or others about her baby in the office — so that precludes what time we may have to bond personally. I doubt that we’ll be pals, anyhow; as I said, she is professional.
As her assistant, I was asked by the rest of her staff to place a flower order after the baby is born and everyone agreed that they’d be glad to chip in some money. I was advised — and could tell, honestly — that she wouldn’t like something sentimental or too cute and found an elegant bouquet that I think would suit her tastes.
However, when I mentioned off-hand, to a friend who had a baby last year, about the tackiness of most new-mother bouquets, she told me that flowers were a terrible idea, period, and that a much better gift would be something for the baby or some food for the mother. I said I would do that if I were giving a personal gift, to which she said I should suggest that everyone in the office give a “real” gift.
I don’t have time during work to research an appropriate baby gift — I don’t know what my boss’s needs or preferences are for baby items — and everyone else has agreed that flowers and maybe some nice chocolates will suffice. They have worked alongside her for years, unlike me, so I want to trust their input about her sensibilities.
(My boss keeps Emily Post’s etiquette books in her office so I consulted them but didn’t came away feeling certain. I agree that it should be an office-wide gift — my boss did not have an office shower — and avoid being personal. And the flowers are not roses. I may be worrying about this too much — I want to impress my boss with my overall work performance, not through gifts, but she is the most professional person I’ve worked for and I want to respect that.)
Everyone should have the problem you have: a professional female boss from whom you can learn much, not the least that of keeping personal and professional lives separate.
Go with the flowers. They commemorate the event and strike the right note of acknowledgement without over-familiarity. I’m with you on the treacly aspect of new mom floral arrangements, so your selection is spot-on. And, I’d eschew
the chocolates; if she’s as together as you indicate, she’ll probably be intent on fitting back into those suits asap.
She’s lucky to have such an observant, intelligent and thoughful assistant. Good luck to you in all you do.