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An engagement party is being thrown by the farther of the bride and his long time live in girlfriend (who is in charge of the entire event) the mother of the bride is horrified that her family and friends will get an invitation to the event that will not have her name on it but much worse it will have the future 2nd wives name. The daughter has exclaimed the mother is the only person who is unaware that she is divorced and has been for many years. What would be the proper thing to do for this engagement party? The mother thinks her name should be on the dinner invite or at least leave of the women who is hosting the entire event but the father says no they (he and his girlfriend) are throwing the party together so both their names should go on. The ex wife and grandparents were all formally introduced so they are by no means strangers. PLEASE HELP ASAP THESE INVITES NEED TO GO OUT!!!!!d
Usually, invitations are issued by the people throwing the party. In this case that would be the father and his girlfriend. If the mother would like to be included she should offer to help pay and plan for the engagement party. It sounds like the time for this may have passed or the emotions involved in the situation may make this too difficult. As a second choice, the mother could throw an engagement party as well, or offer to help with the shower. Although he does not have to, the engagement party may set the tone for family relationships for the rest of the wedding and a third possibility would be for the father to offer to include the mother on the invitation given that she is willing to acknowledge the role that his current girlfriend (and perhaps future wife) will be playing in the event. If the mother is not comfortable with this the father should proceed and send out the invitations.
It sounds as though the father is using this party as a guise to be malicious to the mother. What kind of father would willingly cause this kind of strife to surround what should be a happy milestone event in his daughter’s life? Regardless of the acrimony between the two parents, they are deserving of mutual respect (at least during the prenuptial events and wedding) because they are the parents of the bride. If this event goes forward, though, the invitation should be worded, “Please join us in celebration of the engagement of Sally Smith and Sam Simpson on Saturday, September 2nd, at 7pm, 2000 Happy Valley Road, Houston, Texas. The favor of a reply is requested, Jack Smith and Hilary Hussey, 666-666-6666.”
Frankly, the daughter should tell Daddy no thanks to this fete if her mother is so hurt by this (regardless of mom’s divorce issues). This is just the beginning of months of this kind of wrangling, and if ground rules of kindness and civility are not enforced from the beginning by the bride, hurt feelings will abound and the bride’s happiness, not to mention nerves, will be severely impacted. Usually, parents don’t become children until the kids are in middle-age, but in this family, this young bride may need to be the mature one now!
My word! I think it is incredibly harsh, not to mention ill advised, to describe the father as ‘malicious’!
Perhaps he was just excited about his darling daughter getting engaged!
It was not at all clear to me, from the post, that he was endeavoring to be malicious.
At what point should he snub his long term girlfriend, who might have even suggested hosting an event, and call his long time ex to suggest throwing a party?
I am assuming they both heard about the engagement at about the same time. Why did MOM not organize something first?
Let Mom, HORRIFIED as she may be, host an engagement party for the couple and let her invite her friends and whomever else she likes…
I tend to think that people, nowadays, look for insult where there is none.
A thick skin can be a huge asset in life.
I cannot figure out how to start a new thread so I will post a response here.
I have a coworker who works in same company as me but in a different location. Our workloads overlap in some areas and we are dependent on each other to make sure our jobs run smoothly. We have had a consistent history of sending little gifts to each other through the interdepartmental mail when one or the other is feeling down, has gone above the call of duty, or just because. This has been a welcome system of reciprocity until today I received from my generous coworker a small placard that has my name, the meaning of my name for Christianity, and a scripture. The problem is, I am not a Christian and I do not want to offend my coworker either. How do I respond? While it is not my place to tell my coworker that it is improper to assume that I am a Christian, I also know that not all people would respond as kindly or thoughtfully. This may open my coworker up to hostility among other non-Christians if she did the same thing with them.
Do not get me wrong. I am appreciative that my coworker thought of me. I am just not sure how to proceed. Any thoughts would be great!
Thanks!
-CRM
Your co-worker has a history of appropriate and kind acknowledgment of your work together, and her latest gift is a symbol of the level of comfort she feels with your working friendship. You obviously recognize this by your comments. Perhaps one day, on the phone, mention the receipt of this item and your appreciation of the friendship behind it. Then add, “It was brave of you, in this day and age, to give a religious item to a co-worker, but I worry about your exposure to criticism in the workplace, should someone else not understand your feelings or intent. Some people can be quite hostile to this kind of thing.” Unless she asks specifically about your beliefs, do not dwell on them at that time, but if she does, be direct and pleasant in stating them. She probably already knows them, and in that case, I prefer to think that people such as your friend want to share something they find wonderful, and their intent is not to offend. Your own beliefs, or lack thereof, are not eroded by acknowledging, in a respectful and neutral way, what she has found. This will likely either confirm your choices, or present new ones for you to explore.
Your reaction is a good example of the calm response to this issue our national discourse on religious beliefs could use more of, and I commend you for it.
New question: My niece got married 14 months ago (privately at the courthouse by a Judge). She had a baby 8 months later. My niece’s mother is now throwing a large church wedding and reception in 2 months – the wedding she has always dreamed of for her only daughter. My question: Is it proper to throw a bridal shower for her, since she has already been legally married for 14 months? I haven’t heard of an upcoming shower in the works, but because I’m her aunt, I’m feeling pressured into throwing one, since she never had one when she got married at the first time. Every bride deserves a shower, don’t they?
This is certainly a multi-level marketing kind of situation, but you, dear aunt, are off the hook, as it is inappropriate for a blood relative to host a shower at all, bridal or otherwise, for a niece or any other relative. And, there is an expiration date for prospective showers, as they are intended to outfit a home prior to marriage (the legal one), or nursery, prior to baby. Once these events happen, it is assumed, particularly after 14 months, that bride/new mother and groom/new father have rounded up basic needs for bed, bath and beyond and junior, too. This is not to say that those who wish to send a gift to mark either event cannot do so, but an orchestrated party involving gifts as admission is likely to cause a fair amount of mumbling and head-shaking among the invitees.
If only your niece’s mother had grown up in Texas and knew the term, “That horse took off outta that barn a long time ago.” Or, that more people today don’t exclaim, “But, how would that look?” before giving in to fantasy instead of dealing with reality.
I have a question and would like to get some outside advice…My son has so unfourtunaly inpregnanted a very young and imature girl…She has what she calls her friend having her a baby shower and has ask for a list of our family and friends..Now they have not been together for a yr. nor has she met everyone of our family and friends…So I ask if they were going to some how list the parents name on the invitations because I know there are ppl who will not have a clue who this shower is for with just her name on it….Now the FRIEND says that I am being ungrateful because she is having a shower and I should not ask for them to mention my son on there to advice our family and friends…So therefor we have had to make our list very short to just the few who have met her and know who she is….Now from the outside have I over stepped or in anyway been ungrateful for mentioning this….I have read and also had some tell me that it was really DISRESPECTFUL towards my son and I should not feel bad and even make it a little more known that it is not fair to him nor our grandchild….
Broken hearted Nina and Momma
I can understand how upset you are over the circumstances your family is in. The best thing to have done would have been to give a list of friends you know would want to participate in this shower, whether they know the baby’s mother or not. You should then have called them prior to them receiving the invitation and let them know that your son is an expectant father and they will be receiving a shower invitation.
As things stand now, try, dear Nina, to be loving and kind to your son, his new wife (we hope) and your new grandbaby. Time and baby powder will go a long way toward healing your hurts…and encourage your son in growing to be an upstanding father and man. You are in my prayers today.