Q: My fiance and I are getting married in Jamaica. Are we expected to help any members of our bridal party pay for their airfare? We’re worried that if we do this for only a couple of attendants but not for all of them, they might compare notes and feelings will be hurt.
A: “Destination Weddings,” which are becoming more popular, usually dictate a smaller bridal party (and guest list) for this very reason-such affairs can be hard on the pocketbook. But subsidies aren’t required: If someone you’ve asked to be in the wedding can’t afford the trip, he or she can always decline for the at reason. Then it’s your call whether you want to offer some financial assistance. If you do end up paying for an attendant or two, explain that you’re relying on their discretion to keep mum. I’m sure they’ll understand this is a private manner and restrain themselves from comparing notes.
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Is it expected to give gifts at a person’s going away party? The person I refer to is a 24-year old, who is moving across the country. Her mother has asked guests to give her gas cards; but her mother also advised her to take the summer off to party, which this young woman did. I don’t feel like giving this person a gas card, when she could have worked for her gas money all summer long. Plus, she has a job and place to live provided by relatives on the other end. Please advise.
There is no traditional expectation that a guest give a gift for a “going away” party. While it is thoughtful of close friends and family to want to give something to someone who is leaving home, it is not necessary.
I’m a bit confused about how ya’ll want this blog to work. This comment has nothing to do w/ the post. I’ve never seen a site that works this way. And since you do have a place for open questions, it seems they ought to be posted there.
Hi Devora,
I am glad you are thinking about how people use this site and what would be the best practices! You are correct that there is a blogging etiquette that is often observed where people try to keep discussion focused on a proposed topic or agreed upon subject. In many places it would be “bad manners” to post a question unrelated to the topic of a post. It could be seen as an overly abrupt change of topic.
I imagine that many people come here who know Emily Post as a brand better than they understand blogging generally. It can take a few attempts to figure out which “leave a reply” button goes with which thread. Some people have never participated in an online discussion before and are unaware of some basic conventions. For now I figure that many people come here to ask an etiquette question and participate in finding a good answer and I don’t really mind if that happens in the open thread or under the main Q & A.
It is my hope that as we grow into a bigger community, regulars like yourself, will help to establish conventions and patterns of use that serve everybody. I would also like to include more general etiquette content that might inspire more focused discussion. Thanks for your input.
Dan
My daughter is in a wedding as the flower girl. the wedding is being held 3 1/2 hours away from our home and the bride is booking the hotel. I’m afraid she will book a room we can’t afford. We are a young couple on a tight budget with two children. Is it impolite to ask to be roomed with my parents, so we can split the cost of the room??
Not at all, but before you do, call the hotel directly and ask if there is a group rate for the Smith/Jones wedding party to see if it falls in your budget. Also, if the bride hasn’t already forwarded hotel rate info to you, it could be that the bride’s family will pay for your room. Time for some frank discussion.
I have a child that is having a destination wedding and I have never been to or been involved with this type of wedding. I have the Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette book and it is not really clear in the “destination” section but this is my question. Is it the proper etiquette to pay for your attendants room or flight when having a destination wedding?
There are two views on this; some feel it is perfectly acceptable to expect attendants to pay their own way, but I must say I support the opposing view…it is best to pay for your attendants’ airfare, lodging and most meals if you expect them to travel to a destination for a wedding. I frankly think this is proper whether at a resort or if they travel a distance to participate in the wedding in your hometown. We had an inquiry on this site recently from someone who had been asked to be a groomsman, and it was obvious the airfare, expenses, and a week off work would be a great strain to the young man and his fiancee who were trying to save for their own wedding. This certainly doesn’t seem right. Its all about graciousness and real awareness of one’s true socio-economic status. And yes, this may curtail wedding expectations, but there is often entirely too much presumptuous excess at others’ expense in planning wedding extravaganzas today.
Our son is having a destination wedding in Cabo at an expensive resort. His father is paying for most of it. Now we understand that it is still their wedding but would like feeings on what percentage of the guests should be bride’s family, theirs’ and ours?
There really are no percentage guidelines. In your situation, everyone should submit their ultimate guestlist and then discussion should take place regarding it and your budget. You’ll want “A” and “B” lists as destination weddings garner a lower acceptance rate than local weddings, and so it may work out fine that everyone gets to invite those they’d like.