Q: A friend from several jobs ago invited me to her wedding. I don’t feel nearly close enough to her-we see each other over lunch only once or twice a year-to want to go. Am I really obligated to buy her a present just because I was invited?
A: You won’t like the answer, but “best wishes” and a gift are in order when you receive a wedding invitation, even if you plan to skip the big day. There are exceptions, such as if you haven’t seen the person for years. But you are breaking bread with this woman periodically, which means that however one-sided the friendship (I suspect that she’s initiating most of these get-togethers), it does qualify as a friendship nonetheless. You needn’t go broke or scour every store looking for the perfect offering, but do send something.
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I find this answer troubling. I was invited to a wedding by a co-worker I had NEVER seen outside work. I tossed the invite in the trash. It seems that some of these folks are fishing for gifts.
I lived in China and was invited to a huge wedding by a person I did not even know. As a group of us (all foreigners) were ready to enter the reception we were handed an envelope in which we were to put money. Ahhhh, so that’s why I was invited!
Just like a re-think of weddings is needed (that video of the the dancing wedding party was wonderful and no doubt would have been thought to be totally crass just a decade ago) a re-think of wedding invitations is needed. When is the sender being impolite?
This is a sort of related question, re: wedding gifts and destination weddings. An old friend of mine, much more in the ‘old’ category than ‘friend’ these days, is having a destination wedding that I can in no way afford to attend. She has requested, in her invitation, that wedding gifts be in the form of CASH, as she and her groom are both adults with their own fully-furnished homes and they’d like to buy a house together. Is this sort of request now considered appropriate? I know that whatever little amount I can contribute is going to be meaningless in terms of making a down payment but I don’t want to dismiss the request out of hand, or embarass myself or them with some gift other than what they’ve requested. If I slip a hundred bucks into an envelope it’ll have a fairly real impact on my expenses for the month and will also make virtually no impact on their efforts to buy a house. Thoughts?
I am much more inclined to give generously to a polite panhandler than a pushy one that steps on my foot while shoving his cup in my face. That one gets pushed away and ignored.
My point is, do not feel held hostage to demands for wedding cash. Take whatever amount you’ve alloted and purchase a thoughtful gift. Period.
You are in no way required to give cash and it was crass of them to ask for money. Give any gift you wish in any value you feel represents your relationship with teh couple and budget.
What about if you have already given the bride and groom a gift at the bridal shower? Do you have to bring another gift to the wedding?
The answer to this oft asked question is “yes”.
Good friends eloped so they wouldn’t have to “deal” with planning a wedding. As soon as I found out, I sent them a lovely gift basket worth $100. Not long after, the bride had a “change of heart” and they announced they would be having a large reception to celebrate their marriage…totally paid for by the bride’s family. Around 200 people are invited to a cocktails/apps/dancing reception at a very exclusive hotel. No dinner will be served.
Do I need to give them another gift on top of the basket I sent?
No.
A friend ask me to accompany her to a wedding this Saturday
I do not know the couple, i ask my friend if i was required to
bring a gift, she said no just a card and a check would do fine
well my feeling is the card i don’t mind but the check i don’t
feel that this is right, i am really at a loss here with noone
else to ask what is proper. My friend does not drive at night
and that is why she ask me to go to the wedding. Thank you for
any help you might give me.
There has been a recent discussion on this topic on this site; while it is noted in “Etiquette” that a gift is the responsibility of the person who received the invitation, and the “date” does not need to give one, I believe it is only proper that a person attending so intimate an event as a wedding should take a gift(and not a check). You are being hosted by the bride and groom, just as you might be hosted in someone’s home, where you would surely take a hostess gift. In your case, I gather you are attending because your friend needs you to drive her. I would say this calls for a frank discussion with her, if a gift of your own is a struggle or does not sit well with you. She could, and simply should, add your name to her gift enclosure.
I feel like this sort of answer (that you are obliged to send a gift even if you are not attending the wedding and are not particularly close with the person) is continuing to send the wrong message to people. It encourages couples to invite guests that they don’t really want there (and that they know will not come) in order to score more presents. What happened to weddings being about celebrating a happy occasion with your family and close friends? Now it’s about inviting as many people as you know in order to get gifts (and money). And no, I’m not someone stuck in another generation, I’m in my early twenties
Thanks for sharing a “youthful” perspective.
I think uk2003 has a valid observation; I’ve been on the receiving end of two wedding invitations recently from people I barely know, them or their families, and I must here and now ‘fess up that I sent regrets and then a card. After hearing about the grabbing behavior of the brides and grooms of these weddings from third parties, I’ve slept well with my decisions. I know this would have let Mrs. Emily down, but I hope she would forgive me. Etiquette is an important framework and manners valuable tools but personal ethics are their foundation.
Help…my fiance is a bit cheap. Historically, he hasn’t been the type to buy wedding gifts. We have been dating 4 1/2 years and have gone to maybe a dozen weddings of his friends. He only bought one wedding gift. I am really embarrassed at this…and my fiance becomes incredibly defensive when I try to talk to him about it.
Now he is excited about “registering” for gifts for our wedding. I am not comfortable asking our guests for gifts when he has hardly given any gifts to people in his life…He can’t seem to see that this is inappropriate.
What should I do?
It would be helpful to you both to receive pre-marital counseling so that issues of lifestyle and outlook can be addressed. I say this because your problem is an example of a fundamental difference that more than likely will become very evident in other ways and contentious as time goes on. I hope this counseling will help him to realize why he is selfish and how to overcome it.
A true friend and caring person would be open-palmed with his loved ones, and indeed understand his lap would then overflow with blessings. This is the more important issue than the faux-pas of not giving friends a gift in celebration of one of the most important events in their lives. You have noted the obvious irony of his enthusiasm in being on the receiving end now.
Should you decide to marry this man, and you do receive counseling, I hope you both will come to the understanding that you will take on the responsibility of shopping for gifts as well as other social duties. Generally, its best if both partners participate enthusiastically, but when one falls short, the other should cover their mutual bases. This is a basic building block in many aspects of a strong marriage, IF there is mutual give and take.
In terms of wedding etiquette, go ahead and register, and without fail, write and mail thank you notes for each and every gift immediately upon its receipt. Do not be surprised if you do not receive something from those your fiance ignored, but take it upon yourself to seek out each person who gives you a gift to verbally thank them for it, in addition to writing a thank you note. After you are married, make a point of entertaining each wedding couple your fiance slighted and go out of your way to soothe ruffled feathers. This will distinguish you as a caring woman who your finance is unbelievably blessed to have landed.
when a couple has a registry that includes dinner plates would it be wrong to purchase a single plate? $46 each.
Greg- Give a gift you think the couple will like that is in keeping with your budget. If that is a single expensive plate that is wonderful.