Q: My son’s finance has asked a married friend to be a bridesmaid, but the woman is going to be seven months pregnant on the wedding day. Isn’t this inappropriate?
A: In the past, when the mother-to-be felt some pressure to keep a low profile in public, it might have caused a stir. But today, bridesmaids are chosen based on friendship, not looks, and it’s perfectly okay for a member of the wedding party to be pregnant-as long as she feels up to the physical demands.
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I have a dilemma regarding a bridesmaid; my fiancé and I are getting married this October, but we have had a long engagement and I asked my entire bridal party at least one year in advance. One of my friends, who I asked to be a bridesmaid, and graciously accepted told me a couple weeks ago, she is pregnant and due four days before our wedding! She already has four children, and I know she was already dealing with financial stress; she was explicit with me after accepting her bridesmaid role that she would ask her parents to buy the bridesmaid dress, because she could not afford it. With the news of a new baby on the way, I am very happy for her, but concerned regarding increased financial responsibility, and responded to her, “Don’t worry about the wedding.” This was my indirect way of showing her I understand her priorities may need to shift, and if she cannot be in the wedding, I will not be hurt. However, she responded with, “How late can I order my bridesmaid dress?” (The bridesmaid dresses have already been selected; I picked my favorite four and said each bridesmaid could wear their favorite, but it turned out, each girl liked the same dress!)
Aside from her financial stress, (which if it came down to it – I could discretely purchase the dress for her); I am concerned about her delivery date. I have absolutely no problem with having a pregnant bridesmaid, I already have one other bridesmaid who is pregnant, and one will deliver a couple months prior to the wedding, and my matron of honor is trying to conceive this spring, making her about five months along in October. I even inquired at the bridal store if they could order their dresses later, or order extra material to accommodate them. With that said, I feel to remain in a wedding with a due date four days prior, is not the best idea for all involved. My bridesmaid assured me she will deliver a couple weeks early as she has with her four previous children, and it being her fourth pregnancy, that often decreases gestation time anyway. Wouldn’t there be a concern she may go too early, and now she’s invested money into a wedding she cannot attend because her newborn baby is in the hospital, (all her four previous children were born with medical conditions.)
It must be me, perhaps there is a priority conflict, and we are not viewing the situation through the same lens. Am I too harsh? My mother feels she absolutely needs to be excluded, and said I shouldn’t ‘ask’ her, I should ‘tell’ her, or else she will not get the hint. I replied, “Isn’t it rude to unask someone?” If she is insistent upon maintaining her role as a bridesmaid, should I not allow her to, isn’t her decision after all?
Confused; any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
-Melody
Wow – I’m sure you’ll get many answers.
I agree with you. You aren’t trying to exclude the pregnant bridesmaid – you’re worried about how this could affect your wedding, her health and the health of her baby. This is not unrealistic of you, and I think your head is screwed on correctly. I also agree with your mother. This person isn’t getting the hint that you need to plan a major event, and having a due date so close to the wedding date would make any sensible person bow out. I think you should let her know what you’ve let us know, and instead of being so indirect, let her know this makes you uncomfortable to know that you could be seriously interfering in this child’s health. You can’t plan a wedding with that kind of weight on your shoulders (nor should you).
Good luck, Melody. We sincerely hope this works out for you.
I think you should not exclude her but make it clear that you will be ok with whatever she makes the choice to do. Your excluding her will feel like a slap in the face of your friendship. Your being understanding no matter what choice she makes might mean that she might make the choice to spend money needlessly but she is an adult and it is her choice to make. Yes she likely should not attend your wedding at all however it is likely that her doctor will tell her that and it will not seem like a comment on your friendship if it comes from the doctor.
Since there is nothing you really need to know if she is going to be a bridesmaid or not until about 5 minutes before the wedding let it go. Let her make the choice depending on what happens in the next 7 months. You should not exclude her but likely for her health she will step down. Even if she does not that is her choice and if no significant travel and she wants to stand up for you so close to giving birth I would in your shoes consider that a great honor and sign of how highly she values your friendship.